A/N I was disturbed how easily this one turned out. I was laying in bed one day when this song came on the radio and the next thing I know.... ye-ah. I assume Naraku must get sick and tired of being mistaken for a woman all the time so yeah. Tell me what you think!
I need your help loyal readers, I just fond a most awesome song, to be sung to Naraku, but I need someone to sing it! Someone who will be seriously creeped out at his girlishness. Please help me!
MAN I LOOK LIKE A WOMAN
"I don't know why I let you talk me into this!" Naraku grated as Kanna dragged him into the karaoke bar. "It's the pastime of hicks and yokels!"
"Come on," she ordered in her emotionless voice. "It's fun."
Naraku had dressed carefully for the evening. Wearing jeans (don't know where he got them) and a tight white shift which showed off his muscles and the fact he was boobless. It still hadn't stopped everyone from calling him ma'am and one woman saying in a hushed tone that she knew a place where he could get implants for a low price.
Naraku rolled his eyes as Kanna pulled him to the bar and ordered a drink in an authoritative voice.
"I'll have a grave digger Scary Ned," she said. She caught sight of Naraku. "And by grave digger I mean chocolate milk," she corrected.
"I'll have what's she's having," Naraku said.
Two big burly, obviously manly men entered the abr and spotted Naraku and Kanna at the bar. They elbowed one another and grinned before approaching with the slow practiced lumbering movements of real men!
"We'll have a Molsen a piece eh?" said one in a rumbling voice. He leaned on the abr next to Naraku. "I'm Canadian eh?" he said. "We just finished clear cutting British Columbia and so we thought we'd come back to feudal Japan and clear cut all your tree eh?"
Naraku smiled politely but didn't respond.
"So eh," he said, edging closer. "Like what's your sign?"
Naraku frowned in confusion.
"Like, don't be shy eh!" the big burly lumberjack said, still edging closer and closer. Naraku was steadily edging away, looking around for some sort of assistance.
Kanna was intent on her mirror, applying makeup which made her seem older. Scary Ned was getting their drinks and the rest of the bar was hanging on every soulful word of a young spindly spider demon singing, 'Don't Let Your Mom Go Down On Me!'
"So eh, come here often?" the lumber jack continued.
"No," Naraku replied in his deep manly voice.
The lumber jack blinked.
"You got a sexy voice eh?" he said undeterred.
Naraku frowned and grabbed his drink he shook his head and started drinking, to buy himself time from answering.
'Usually actually saying something make them leave me alone!' he thought to himself. 'This one must be especially love starved I'll have too...'
He jerked wildly, spilling his drink all over his front.
He slowly, and stiffly lowered his eyes to the lumberjack's hand, firmly gripping his upper thigh.
Naraku slapped him across the face with all his might.
The slap echoed across the bar, stopping everyone in their place. The lumberjack grabbed his cheek and laughed.
"Feisty eh?" he asked.
Naraku jumped off the stool to get away from his spilled chocolate milk. He looked at the large chocolate stain on his shirt.
"I think that means someone likes you here eh," said the second lumberjack to his friend.
"I sure hope so!" the one who'd sexually harassed Naraku said.
"I am not a WOMAN!" Naraku screeched. "I am a bishonen! A man cursed to be far to feminine for his own good! I'm a demon! I am not a piece of ass! And I am a man!"
"You sure don't look like it," Scary Ned said frowning at him.
"I'm not female and I can prove it!" Naraku screamed wildly. He grabbed his belt and began to undo it.
"Prove it in song!" Kanna suggested.
Naraku looked up at her, still tugging on his belt.
"Okay!" he nodded. "But only because my belt is malfunctioning!"
He marched up to the stage and killed the spindly spider demon singing 'Don't Let Your Mom Go Down On Me!'
He adjusted the mike and found the perfect song.
"Alright!" he nodded to himself as the funky music started.
Though I know it ain't right-hair black as night
To my knees it all hangs down
When I make a noise- in a really manly voice
Children all scream and shout
Ugh!
No inhibitions- make no conditions
My hair's a little outta line
I'm gonna be completely direct
Sometimes it blows my mind!
The worse thing about being a bishi
Is you're provocative to men and...
Oh, oh, oh, I'm going crazy- No I'm not a lady!
I wear men's shirts- not short skirts
Oh, oh, oh, girls gone wild-yeah, not my style!
Oh, oh, oh, guys feel the attraction-it's a chain reaction
It's 'cause of my hair- now is that fair?
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free-yeah, despite the way I look!
Man! I look like a woman!
This man needs a break-tonight I'm gonna take
Precautions to get out on the town
Don't trust first glance-because I do wear pants
Not my fault my hair hangs down
The worse thing about being a bishi
Is you're provocative to men and...
Oh, oh, oh, I'm going crazy- No I'm not a lady!
I wear men's shirts- not short skirts
Oh, oh, oh, girls gone wild-yeah, not my style!
Oh, oh, oh, guys feel the attraction-it's a chain reaction
It's 'cause of my hair- now is that fair?
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free-yeah, despite the way I look!
Man! I look like a woman!
The worse thing about being a bishi
Is you're provocative to men and...
Oh, oh, oh, I'm going crazy- No I'm not a lady!
I wear men's shirts- not short skirts
Oh, oh, oh, girls gone wild-yeah, not my style!
Oh, oh, oh, guys feel the attraction-it's a chain reaction
It's 'cause of my hair- now is that fair?
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free-yeah, despite the way I look!
Man! I look like a woman!
I'm going crazy
Can't you see it?
Come, come, come on baby
I AM NOT A WOMAN!
When he was done he stood there, panting hard for a long time before jumping off the stage and marching back to the bar, glowering at the lumber jacks.
"That's a pretty song eh," said the one who'd grabbed him. "But I knew you were a man the whole time eh?"
Naraku looked at him and slowly began to edge away.
A/N I gave Naraku modern clothing because it just wouldn't be fair to stick him in his dress-- ah his "kimono" and then toss him into a bar. No one call tell him apart from a girl once he's in a kimono. No one! And as for Kanna's make up? Could it be I have something in the works for her?
No!