A Child's Voice
Daniel eyed Kat questioningly as he held the tape recorder.
"My birthday was last week, Mama. Why did you get another present?"
"Danny, hon, you know your Aunt Trina told me what happened with Mr. Fisher right?"
"Unhuh." He turned away slightly, unable to meet her gaze. Kat sighed as the little boy seemed to withdrawal from her. He flinched as she touched his hair gently.
"Baby, you didn't do anything wrong. Fisher was wrong,
not you." She opened a pack of tapes and put one into the recorder. "I know you don't feel safe yet kiddo. I know how much you're still hurting, but you don't want to talk about it with anyone yet, right?"
Daniel nodded, clutching at his cat Bear, who had become his safety blanket since his attack at his former foster father's hands. Bear gave a soft squeak of protest as the embrace became a little too tight, but he made no move to get away.
"Ok, I understand that Daniel. More than you'll ever know, but you can't keep all those feelings locked inside. You're a talker kiddo. You need to talk like you need to breath. I thought maybe you'd feel better if you at least talked about it with yourself first. Maybe just to get things out of that brilliant little brain of yours and out into the open. Then maybe when you have things a little clearer with yourself, you'll be ready to talk to someone else."
Daniel chewed his lip thoughtfully. He did realize that he needed something, but what he didn't know. He'd tried talking to Bear, but somehow that didn't seem to be enough. His fingers traced the machine gently.
"I...I'll try Mama, I just...you promise you won't listen in?"
Kat smiled softly. "I promise baby. I won't listen to the tapes unless you want me to."
"Can I talk about anything I want?"
"You use it however you'd like. This is just for you kiddo."
"Ok, I'll try Mama."
Danny stared at the machine sitting on the table in his bedroom. Finally, after several days of uncertainty, he decided it was time. It had been a really rough day, but this time he needed to talk about it. He pushed the record key hesitantly.
"Hi, this is Danny. This feels funny, I'm talking to myself. I wonder how I sound.
Mama went out with George again today. They've been going out alot. I guess it's ok. I like him and all, I just don't want to lose my Mama. I don't want her to forget about me. Aunt Trina always tells me I'm the most important thing in Mama's life, but I'm not sure I believe her. How can I be that important to her? Robert at school says Mama just wants the money the state gives her for taking care of me. I don't think that is true.
Mama has too much money already. I heard Trina tell someone that Mama inherited all the money from her father when he died. Trina didn't get any cause Mama and her didn't have the same Dad.
I think Robert is just mean. He pushed Lizzy off the swings just to see her cry. He hits me too. Every time he walks by me at school he smacks me on the back of the head and calls me teacher's pet. Today I got a nosebleed when he did it and I had to go to the nurse. She was gonna call Mama,
but I told her not to. I didn't want Mama mad if she had to come get me at school. She finally let me go back to class though. I just wish Robert would leave me alone."
Daniel laid the tape recorder down again. He sat two books on top so Kat wouldn't know he had used it, then he went outside to ride his bike.
"It's me again. I wanted to be sure Mama didn't listen to the tapes while I was gone so I hid it under a couple of books and put some papers on top. When I got out of school today, everything was just like I left it, so I guess Mama's keeping her promise. I had to be sure though. Some grown-ups don't keep their promises. I remember Aunt Trina promised Jeremy wouldn't come back but he did. I wish I was big enough to hurt him. I've been in the hospital two times now because of him and let me tell you, it was no fun.
I don't remember alot about the first time. I only remember Jeremy getting really mad and hitting me over and over. He used his belt at first, then his hands and then finally his fists. That's all I remember, getting hit over and over. I know Trina stopped him, but I don't remember that part. I know it hurt. My arm hurt and my whole body hurt, but it didn't hurt as much as it did inside. I really wanted Jeremy to like me. I wanted a new Mom and Dad so maybe I could quit missing my old ones. I just want my real Mom and Dad to hold me again.
I love my Mama Kat, really, but I want MY Mom to hold me and love me again. I wish they hadn't gone away...I wish I could be with them again. I...I just want my Mommy..."
Daniel woke up gasping for air. He was terrified. He reached for the recorder.
"I saw it didn't I? I saw my Mommy and Daddy die. I screamed over and over. Somone came and pushed me away from them. A mean lady told me to shut up so they could help my parents. So I did. They took them away, but they forgot about me. They all forgot about me. There was so much blood everywhere. My Mommy's blood. The cover stone hit Daddy too, but he didn't bleed, he just stopped breathing, but Mommy...there was so much blood."
Daniel shut off the recorder and clutched Bear to him.
His bitter tears soaked the cat's soft fur, but Bear just purred louder and batted at his human's face gently with his paws. Kat knocked gently at the door, then seeing the tears pouring down the boys face, she gathered him into a tight embrace. They moved to the rocker and rocked together for hours, Kat holding him and whispering to him softly. Finally the exhausted boy fell into a restless sleep.
"George came over today. He took Mama and I out to eat.
We went to the King Dragon. I like it there. I can eat everything I want and then get more if I want. I remember when I stayed with Mrs. Eldon, she got mad whenever I ate. I was allowed one sandwich after school and a glass of water, but no more. Weekends I would get so hungry, but I wasn't allowed extra food, just a sandwich and a glass of water. Aunt Trina took me away from there when she found out. I was kinda glad about that one.
You know, I was really mad at Trina when Jeremy hurt me at the mall, but I think I'm not so mad anymore. She looks so sad when she talks about Jeremy. Mama gets mad,
but Trina gets sad. I don't like to see Trina sad. She's helped me so many times. I think I'll tell her I'm not mad anymore. I think she really does love me, its not just words. I know Mama loves me too. Did you know she watches me sleep sometimes? She wants to make sure to be there if I have bad dreams. I've seen her watching me from the rocker sometimes at night and I've woke up before and found her sleeping there. I feel safe when she's with me. Maybe I'll tell her that. Maybe she'll stop being sad too."
"Mama went to see Jimmy at the cemetery today. She said it was his birthday. He would have been 10. She misses him so much. When I first came here I thought she missed him so much she would hurt herself. She used to sleep with his picture in bed with her, but she doesn't do that anymore.
I know she tried to adopt me, but my Grandpa Nick wouldn't let her. He did make her my guardian though and she days that no one can take me away from her now. I'm glad. I never want to be away from Mama. I love her. I want her to love me too. I think she does. Robert said the money thing again today,
so I kicked him. I know he's lying. I got sent to the office, but I didn't care. I won't let him lie about my Mama again."
"It's Mama's birthday today. I went shopping with George and he picked her out a really pretty ring. I think she'll really like it. George and I talked for a long time. He told me he really loves Mama and me. He wanted to know if I was ok with them dating. I told him I was.
I thought at the time I was lying, but then when we got home I realized it wasn't a lie. I really do like him.
He takes us places and he never forgets about me. I saw him kiss Mama and she looked really happy. I like it like this. I feel real good about it. George was gonna help me buy a present for Mama today, but I think I already know what I'm gonna give her. I'm not afraid anymore. Mama would never laugh at my feelings or try to hurt me. She loves me too much. I'll wait til George leaves to give her her present though. This one's just for us."
Daniel knocked at Kat's door and entered her room hesitantly. She looked confused as he handed her the package. He smiled gently and inserted the first tape.
"It's time Mama. I feel safe." He pushed the play button "Hi this is Danny..."
The End...
Daniel eyed Kat questioningly as he held the tape recorder.
"My birthday was last week, Mama. Why did you get another present?"
"Danny, hon, you know your Aunt Trina told me what happened with Mr. Fisher right?"
"Unhuh." He turned away slightly, unable to meet her gaze. Kat sighed as the little boy seemed to withdrawal from her. He flinched as she touched his hair gently.
"Baby, you didn't do anything wrong. Fisher was wrong,
not you." She opened a pack of tapes and put one into the recorder. "I know you don't feel safe yet kiddo. I know how much you're still hurting, but you don't want to talk about it with anyone yet, right?"
Daniel nodded, clutching at his cat Bear, who had become his safety blanket since his attack at his former foster father's hands. Bear gave a soft squeak of protest as the embrace became a little too tight, but he made no move to get away.
"Ok, I understand that Daniel. More than you'll ever know, but you can't keep all those feelings locked inside. You're a talker kiddo. You need to talk like you need to breath. I thought maybe you'd feel better if you at least talked about it with yourself first. Maybe just to get things out of that brilliant little brain of yours and out into the open. Then maybe when you have things a little clearer with yourself, you'll be ready to talk to someone else."
Daniel chewed his lip thoughtfully. He did realize that he needed something, but what he didn't know. He'd tried talking to Bear, but somehow that didn't seem to be enough. His fingers traced the machine gently.
"I...I'll try Mama, I just...you promise you won't listen in?"
Kat smiled softly. "I promise baby. I won't listen to the tapes unless you want me to."
"Can I talk about anything I want?"
"You use it however you'd like. This is just for you kiddo."
"Ok, I'll try Mama."
Danny stared at the machine sitting on the table in his bedroom. Finally, after several days of uncertainty, he decided it was time. It had been a really rough day, but this time he needed to talk about it. He pushed the record key hesitantly.
"Hi, this is Danny. This feels funny, I'm talking to myself. I wonder how I sound.
Mama went out with George again today. They've been going out alot. I guess it's ok. I like him and all, I just don't want to lose my Mama. I don't want her to forget about me. Aunt Trina always tells me I'm the most important thing in Mama's life, but I'm not sure I believe her. How can I be that important to her? Robert at school says Mama just wants the money the state gives her for taking care of me. I don't think that is true.
Mama has too much money already. I heard Trina tell someone that Mama inherited all the money from her father when he died. Trina didn't get any cause Mama and her didn't have the same Dad.
I think Robert is just mean. He pushed Lizzy off the swings just to see her cry. He hits me too. Every time he walks by me at school he smacks me on the back of the head and calls me teacher's pet. Today I got a nosebleed when he did it and I had to go to the nurse. She was gonna call Mama,
but I told her not to. I didn't want Mama mad if she had to come get me at school. She finally let me go back to class though. I just wish Robert would leave me alone."
Daniel laid the tape recorder down again. He sat two books on top so Kat wouldn't know he had used it, then he went outside to ride his bike.
"It's me again. I wanted to be sure Mama didn't listen to the tapes while I was gone so I hid it under a couple of books and put some papers on top. When I got out of school today, everything was just like I left it, so I guess Mama's keeping her promise. I had to be sure though. Some grown-ups don't keep their promises. I remember Aunt Trina promised Jeremy wouldn't come back but he did. I wish I was big enough to hurt him. I've been in the hospital two times now because of him and let me tell you, it was no fun.
I don't remember alot about the first time. I only remember Jeremy getting really mad and hitting me over and over. He used his belt at first, then his hands and then finally his fists. That's all I remember, getting hit over and over. I know Trina stopped him, but I don't remember that part. I know it hurt. My arm hurt and my whole body hurt, but it didn't hurt as much as it did inside. I really wanted Jeremy to like me. I wanted a new Mom and Dad so maybe I could quit missing my old ones. I just want my real Mom and Dad to hold me again.
I love my Mama Kat, really, but I want MY Mom to hold me and love me again. I wish they hadn't gone away...I wish I could be with them again. I...I just want my Mommy..."
Daniel woke up gasping for air. He was terrified. He reached for the recorder.
"I saw it didn't I? I saw my Mommy and Daddy die. I screamed over and over. Somone came and pushed me away from them. A mean lady told me to shut up so they could help my parents. So I did. They took them away, but they forgot about me. They all forgot about me. There was so much blood everywhere. My Mommy's blood. The cover stone hit Daddy too, but he didn't bleed, he just stopped breathing, but Mommy...there was so much blood."
Daniel shut off the recorder and clutched Bear to him.
His bitter tears soaked the cat's soft fur, but Bear just purred louder and batted at his human's face gently with his paws. Kat knocked gently at the door, then seeing the tears pouring down the boys face, she gathered him into a tight embrace. They moved to the rocker and rocked together for hours, Kat holding him and whispering to him softly. Finally the exhausted boy fell into a restless sleep.
"George came over today. He took Mama and I out to eat.
We went to the King Dragon. I like it there. I can eat everything I want and then get more if I want. I remember when I stayed with Mrs. Eldon, she got mad whenever I ate. I was allowed one sandwich after school and a glass of water, but no more. Weekends I would get so hungry, but I wasn't allowed extra food, just a sandwich and a glass of water. Aunt Trina took me away from there when she found out. I was kinda glad about that one.
You know, I was really mad at Trina when Jeremy hurt me at the mall, but I think I'm not so mad anymore. She looks so sad when she talks about Jeremy. Mama gets mad,
but Trina gets sad. I don't like to see Trina sad. She's helped me so many times. I think I'll tell her I'm not mad anymore. I think she really does love me, its not just words. I know Mama loves me too. Did you know she watches me sleep sometimes? She wants to make sure to be there if I have bad dreams. I've seen her watching me from the rocker sometimes at night and I've woke up before and found her sleeping there. I feel safe when she's with me. Maybe I'll tell her that. Maybe she'll stop being sad too."
"Mama went to see Jimmy at the cemetery today. She said it was his birthday. He would have been 10. She misses him so much. When I first came here I thought she missed him so much she would hurt herself. She used to sleep with his picture in bed with her, but she doesn't do that anymore.
I know she tried to adopt me, but my Grandpa Nick wouldn't let her. He did make her my guardian though and she days that no one can take me away from her now. I'm glad. I never want to be away from Mama. I love her. I want her to love me too. I think she does. Robert said the money thing again today,
so I kicked him. I know he's lying. I got sent to the office, but I didn't care. I won't let him lie about my Mama again."
"It's Mama's birthday today. I went shopping with George and he picked her out a really pretty ring. I think she'll really like it. George and I talked for a long time. He told me he really loves Mama and me. He wanted to know if I was ok with them dating. I told him I was.
I thought at the time I was lying, but then when we got home I realized it wasn't a lie. I really do like him.
He takes us places and he never forgets about me. I saw him kiss Mama and she looked really happy. I like it like this. I feel real good about it. George was gonna help me buy a present for Mama today, but I think I already know what I'm gonna give her. I'm not afraid anymore. Mama would never laugh at my feelings or try to hurt me. She loves me too much. I'll wait til George leaves to give her her present though. This one's just for us."
Daniel knocked at Kat's door and entered her room hesitantly. She looked confused as he handed her the package. He smiled gently and inserted the first tape.
"It's time Mama. I feel safe." He pushed the play button "Hi this is Danny..."
The End...