"I want you to get the hell out of here and never speak to me again!" Courtney hissed angrily as soon as the door closed. She could not believe his arrogance for showing up at her loft. Did he think he could just explain and make everything okay? That she was going to forgive him for sleeping with another woman? She made an excuse for Jason when he lied to her about sleeping with Sam but she realized how foolish she had been. She was not going to do the same for Jax!
"I want to explain-"Jax began but she slapped him hard across the face. "There is nothing to explain! You got my message but you decided to sleep with someone else anyway instead of waiting for me! I just wasn't worth your time, was I, Jasper Jacks? I knew you would leave once the bet was over, I just don't know why you bothered to tell me all those things about falling in love with me if you never meant it! During the stupid bet, all you wanted was to get me to sleep with you and even after it, that's all you wanted!" she ranted bitterly, her anger mounting as each word came out of her mouth.
Jax felt a muscle moving spasmodically in his cheek as he listened to her unfair words. "I didn't sleep with her but that's beside the point! What if I did? How the hell was I supposed to know it even mattered to you what I did? You chose to stay here with Jason, you don't get to make me feel like the bad person for leaving you behind!" he spat out hurtfully. "He is my ex-husband! I will always care for him! I couldn't very well leave him when the reason he's in jail is because of me!" she argued, stalking around the room. "I am so sick and tired of that line! Skye is my ex-wife and I will always care for her! I don't care if you stayed because you were worried about your friend. But that isn't the case! You have repeatedly told me that you will always be connected to him, that you will never be indifferent to him, that a part of you still loved him! You cannot expect me to just sit there and lay my heart on the line when you can't do the same for me!" he yelled, clenching his fists in frustration.
"I can't help it, I feel like I hurt him! Do you know how guilty I feel that our marriage didn't work out? How awful it is knowing that I lost our baby? That's the reason we couldn't stay together!" she cried, her eyes welling up with tears again. "It is not your fault that you lost your baby! Nobody knows what's going to occur at any given time, accidents happen! Your marriage failed because you fell in love with a vision of Jason Morgan, but you couldn't deal with the reality of him! You abhor the mob, you loathe violence! You can't stay in that relationship and make it work because it defies the very morals that make you who you are! It isn't wrong but if you keep blaming yourself for it, you will never be free!" Jax rambled furiously.
Courtney felt as if he just slapped her. "I went after you! I saw Sam and Jason at the PCPD and I realized that he didn't need me anymore," she said, feeling drained. "That's great, you saw him with another woman so you decided that I was a better choice, is that it?" he asked sarcastically. This time, she felt as if he had reached inside her chest and yanked her heart out. "That is not what happened," she whispered in horror when she saw that he truly believed it. He saw the shock and hurt on her face and felt as if someone was slowly tightening a noose around his neck. Jax reached his hand behind his neck and tried to rub out some of the tensed muscles there. Courtney finally saw the dark circles under his eyes, the stubble on his chin and the haggard look on his face.
"Why would you think such a terrible thing?" she asked quietly. "Because you did it before. That night in the gazebo, you came to me and told me you saw Sam and Jason at the hospital and although you felt sorry for them, you knew it had nothing to do with you. You looked radiant that night- because you felt liberated," he replied, running a hand through his messy hair. "But?" she asked, feeling as if he had more to say. "But since then, every time that something happens to Jason, you still rush to his side," Jax told her sadly. "He's my friend," Courtney said, staring at him. "No, he's not. You can't be free of him. You can't open your heart to anyone else. I know that now. You will always love Jason. I don't even know why I tried so damned hard, it was futile," he said flatly and stood up. "Why can't you try to understand for me? I am trying to move on but it's hard okay? I don't know how to progress. I went from loving AJ straight to falling in love with Jason. I've never had time to deal with it, time to move on. I'm trying my best," she said, willing him to see where she was coming from.
Jax looked at her beautiful face and felt regret wash over him. He wanted her so bad. But he couldn't have her. "I do understand for you Courtney. I've been as patient as I have ever been, I've been your friend throughout this entire ordeal. We may have started out over a silly little bet but it became serious very quickly. I saw that you were like Brenda in some ways, the way you both loved people without reservation. You love recklessly. I warned myself to stay away, I told myself not to do this again. I couldn't bear to be a part of some contrived triangle anymore, I couldn't play the role of second best. I've told you countless times before but I don't think you ever really heard me. Brenda hurt me and in turn, I hurt her. I don't ever admit it, but no matter how hard I try to hide from love, the promise of it always lures me out. I know it hurts to play with fire but I do it anyway because I can't help but believe that life cannot be this cruel. I thought I could be happy with you. The light went out of my life when things ended with Brenda. I thought I lost the only chance at love when I lost her. But then you came into my life and I thought things were different. You made me smile and laugh in a way that I hadn't thought was possible again. You made it a beautiful thing to wake up every morning instead of something to be angry about. You made me trust you even though I didn't want to, even though I knew that you probably would never be over Jason. But you told me you were, you made me believe it. I- I told you that I thought I was falling in love with you but I was lying. I've already fallen. I- I love you and I hate what you do to me. I hate how you make me feel when I see you running to Jason. I hate how you make me think that I can be happy. I hate you how made me believe in love again," he said brokenly, his own eyes welling up when he saw her tears streaming down her face. He walked dejectedly to the door and opened it. Turning back to her, he said achingly, "I hate how you hurt me. But most of all- I hate how you never even know you did it. You worry about how you make Jason feel but the entire time, you never bothered to even see what you're doing to me. And that hurts me the most. I- I can't do this anymore, I can't keep doing this to myself. Good-bye, Courtney."
His heart broke when he finally turned his back on her and walked out the door, leaving Courtney there sobbing fitfully to herself. "I love you too, Jax," she whispered brokenly as she watched the door slam shut on the best thing in her life.