It had been three hours since Jax left but Courtney still sat slumped on the ground, her back to the couch. Her tears had finally subsided and now she sat there numbly, staring blindly into the darkness that seemed to surround her. Each word Jax had spoken to her cut through her heart viciously. The memory of his handsome face, so sad and hurt, made whatever was left of her heart ache and her eyes well up again. She felt her tears threatening to overspill and gave in, shutting her eyes and letting them fall freely. She covered her face with her hands and wept without restraint, more miserable and lonely than she had ever felt before.
She had finally done it- she had pushed Jax away one too many times and he was gone forever. She tried to be angry with him, tried to be upset that he had given up on her so easily. But in her heart of hearts, the truth rang with painstaking clarity. She had never given Jax anything substantial to give up in the first place. He wanted a relationship and she never fully committed herself to him. She did this, it was all her fault. She had no one else to blame but herself and the realization of that painful truth cut through her heart again and she felt sick to her stomach. "Oh, God..." she cried, turning her face into the couch cushion and tried to push all the agonizing memories out of her head.
Carly slowly opened the door and blinked several times to try to adjust to the darkness. "Courtney?" she called out, stepping cautiously inside and looking around. She finally heard muffled crying near the couch and felt a sharp stab of alarm when she turned on the lights and saw Courtney's slackened form on the ground. "Oh my- are you okay?" she asked worriedly, running over to her and kneeling down, taking in Courtney's pale face and red eyes. Silently, Courtney shook her head heartbreakingly and tears began streaming down her face again.
Carly had never seen Courtney this defeated. The closest memory she could conjure up was when Courtney had told her that her and Jason's divorce had been finalized. But even then, the regret in her eyes had been mingled with determination because she had resolved that she had done what was best. This time- there was no determination. There wasn't even anger or bitterness. There was only a wealth of sadness and pain.
"What- what happened, sweetie?" Carly asked tentatively, even though she already knew Jax was the reason behind her misery. What she didn't know was what he had done to have evoked such a severe reaction. She had been surprised as hell when Lucas showed up at the hospital with Diego in tow because she knew they hated each other. But her annoyance with the kid had subsided when she realized he had sacrificed his pride by seeking out Lucas to locate her. Apparently, Courtney and Jax had undergone a massive falling out and he was worried that she would do something stupid. Now that Carly was here, she didn't think Courtney could even garner enough energy to plot something irrational.
Courtney remained silent, her shoulders shaking uncontrollably. Carly tried to touch her but Courtney flinched, causing Carly's anxiousness to double. Carly finally gave up and simply sat down next to her. Silently, she wrapped a consoling arm around her shoulder and felt her own eyes tear up when Courtney turned her face into her shoulder and cried in earnest. She did not want to see her best friend hurt like this at all. "I- I messed up, C-Carly," she finally whispered miserably, trying to control her ragged breathing. "What do you mean?" Carly asked, lightly stroking her hair in comfort. "Jax... oh, God, Carly- Jax is gone," she said, wrapping her arms around herself and letting that realization sink in once more. Carly heard the hopelessness in her voice and grew increasingly angry. "What do you mean? He left you? Why would he do that? See, I knew Jax was no good!" she said, frustrated that she had done wrong in encouraging Courtney to make her own decisions. "No," Courtney said softly. "No?" Carly asked in confusion. "No, he had every right," Courtney admitted sadly. They sat in silence for several minutes until Courtney finally managed to control her tears. But she was back to being numb again. When she spoke, her voice was flat.
"I-I don't know why I did it, Carly. Jax was in front of me this whole time, he helped me when I asked and even when I didn't ask, he made me laugh, he made me smile, he made it okay to not have Jason in my life. No, he didn't just make it okay- he made it more than that. He showed me what it was like to feel free- to realize I was going to make it through my sadness, to know that I had the strength to be happy again. No matter how harsh I got with him, no matter how many times I put down his character and marked him as shallow, spoiled and arrogant... he- he never gave up on me. He'd be right there again the very next day, still trying, still proving to me that he believed I was worth the effort. I didn't take notice, I didn't realize..." she trailed off painfully, her eyes blurring.
"Realize what?" Carly asked softly, for the first time trying to understand the relationship between Courtney and Jax. "I didn't realize that it wasn't only my will and determination that was helping me move on- it was Jax who was putting out his own strength to help me. Do you know how many times I kept trying to go to Jason's rescue and he didn't need me? Do you know that each time I felt that rejection from Jason, I would sit there and wallow in my own misery because I couldn't understand, refused to understand, why he didn't appreciate me? And do you know- do you know that each time I did that, I never even once thought about Jax's feelings? Every time he tried to tell me about it, I would brush him off and tell him that a part of me will always love Jason as if that justified my actions. God, Carly, I wanted him to understand for me but I never even once tried to understand for him," she finished achingly, disgusted with herself. "You couldn't help it, you loved Jason with all your heart and you guys broke up. You have a right to feel sad!" Carly said loyally.
"But I don't have a right to treat Jax like he was nothing but a pair of comforting arms! I can't flirt with him and tell him I have feelings for him but then treat him like an afterthought! It's not fair but it's what I did! Oh, God, he's been through this before, Carly. He's been through this with Brenda. I- I know because he told me about it once. He was so bitter and sad that day, and that's what made me see a different side of him. I- I felt connected to him because I felt the same way. He told me that he went into that relationship with her giving his everything and in the end, all he got was nothing. He- he got the same raw deal from me... I didn't even know I was doing it to him. He told me he thought he was falling in love with me, he wanted to know how I felt about him and I told him I would miss him as a friend. I was scared and I lied to him to push him away. And he still didn't leave me, he still believed in us. We- we were supposed to go to Bermuda together, we were supposed to start our relationship and then I disappointed him once again because I stupidly thought Jason needed me. I put my life on hold, I put Jax on hold, and in the end- it was all for nothing. Jason doesn't need me- he never needed me. We couldn't make each other happy no matter how hard we tried and I just refused to acknowledge it. I do now, I know I should make myself happy first. But then I did the worst possible thing," Courtney said painstakingly, her heart aching with guilt and remorse.
Carly, whose own heart had involuntarily began feeling sympathy for Jax, stared at her warily and asked, "What did you do?" Courtney wiped at her eyes angrily, willing herself not to cry. "I thought I could do all that to Jax, I thought I could break my promise to him again... I thought I could do all that and he would still be willing to sacrifice his own feelings for me. I went to Bermuda, I thought he would be a little mad but that he wouldn't stay that way for long. I figured that he would understand like he always did and that we could finally start our relationship. But- but then some woman came out of his bathroom and once again, I jumped to the wrong conclusion. I didn't even bother to try and listen to his explanation, didn't even give him the benefit of the doubt. God, how hypocritical of me! I expect Jax to do all that for me, and he did, but whenever it was my turn to do the same for him- I never do. I left him there and came back to Port Charles. And then..." she said, swallowing at the lump in her throat, continued painfully, "Carly, Jax still came after me. He put himself on the line again, he came here to try to explain and I slapped him. It- it hurt me so much to do that... and it hurts a thousand times worse because I know he didn't deserve it. I know he is telling me the truth when he says he didn't sleep with her. I was going to apologize but then..." She trailed off and then hated herself with a passion when she couldn't help but start crying again.
"Shh... it's okay..." Carly said comfortingly but Courtney simply shook her head and whispered, "He broke my heart." She paused as her words settled in before continuing sadly, "I don't even know when Jax finally captured a piece of it big enough to make me hurt this way but he has. He- he finally couldn't stand it anymore. He told me all the ways I hurt him and I didn't even respond- I couldn't respond, because I knew all that he said was true! On-only I never realized it until he pointed them out to me. He- oh Carly, he left. He told me he loved me but that he couldn't do this anymore and he left!" she said brokenly, her eyes filled with anguish. "Shh... Jax will be back, you said it yourself that he always comes back the next day, willing to try again," Carly tried to say reassuringly.
"Jax is never coming back and I don't have a right to expect him to! He risked it all because he finally found a way to trust me and I broke his trust over and over again! I wasn't only blind when it came to Jason, I was blind when it came to Jax too! I didn't move on by myself, I didn't have the strength to pick up the pieces of my heart and continue my life alone. Jax came out of nowhere and he helped me. He has done nothing but be selfless and put me first, but I have never once put him first! You- you should have seen his eyes when he left Carly. He has never looked at me that way before- I've never seen Jax look that way before. He's always so happy, so fun-loving. He's always smiling, laughing, teasing. His blue eyes... oh my God, they are so blue... they're always twinkling at me like he is about to do something charming and reckless and he can't wait to see how I react. But today... they looked... dead. Every single bad feeling was floating in the depth of his eyes. He tricks everybody into seeing his carefree ways, to think that he is strong and can take on anything but inside, he hurts so much worse than anyone else. I knew that once- I figured it out but then over time, I forgot because he put up that front again. He hides his pain so well that you never know something is wrong. God, I- I love him Carly. I didn't know how much until today, until I realized everything that he has done for me and never asked for in return. I- I was finally coming in first with somebody and I didn't know what to do with it. And all Jax wanted to do was come in first with me and I never gave that to him. And now... now, Jax is gone and I- I miss him. I actually messed up so bad that Jax has finally given up on me. I single- handedly ruined the only chance I had with the person who made me look forward to everyday."
Courtney felt Carly wrap her arms around her and finally admitted what was hurting her the most. "I never learned to appreciate Jax the way he deserves to be appreciated and now I have to learn to live without him in my life. I- I don't know if I can do that," she whispered agonizingly. Carly felt her heart break for her best friend and could do nothing but sit there with her and say sadly, "I'm so sorry."