It was over. His relationship with Courtney, or whatever the hell you wanted to call it, it was actually over. Jax sat on the bench and stared out into the darkness. He heard the water crashing against the dock rhythmically and sought peace in its consistency. He felt restless. Empty. I hate this, he thought numbly to himself.
He didn't even know why he said all the things he said to her earlier. He didn't know he had been harboring so much bitterness and anger inside, so much hurt. He didn't even know when he had let Courtney Matthews steal a way into his heavily guarded heart. He wanted to say he hated her but he didn't. He could never hate Courtney, no matter how much pain she caused him because he knew she genuinely was a good person. She didn't mean to make him feel this way, not intentionally. He simply hadn't registered enough to find a way to get into her heart.
Who was he kidding? There was no way into her heart because her heart belonged to Jason. He thought she had managed to take most of her heart back, that she had put the pieces back together and was ready to move on. He didn't mind that it was a severely scarred heart, a heart that had been smashed into a billion pieces because he loved it anyway. He thought it made her a stronger person, it made her heart a much more profound gift. But it wasn't his gift to take because she could never give it to him. He had stupidly gone and given her his own battle-down heart when she obviously didn't want it. And that hurt him a hell of a lot more than he wanted to deal with.
He sighed heavily and closed his eyes, feeling the wind swirling about and pulled his jacket a little tighter around him. He needed to get over this, he needed to move on. It wasn't as if Courtney was the last woman on earth. He was a wealthy, attractive and intelligent man in his own right, he could easily find another woman to entertain him. But he didn't want to be entertained, not anymore. He thought he did, that's why he made that stupid bet with Courtney. If he had known she would illicit such feelings from him, that it would end like this, he would have never gone anywhere near her. He knew she was Sonny's sister, Jason's ex-wife, Carly's best friend. She was inevitably attached to the mob and he despised every single thing about the organization.
But back then, back in the beginning... he had thought she showed great promise with moving out of that circle. Her own foundation, her own life. That's what intrigued him- a woman who could get past all that. But he was wrong. She couldn't move on, no matter how much she tried and now it was like he was reliving a part of his life he never wanted to remember. He loved Courtney but she didn't love him back. He had no choice, he couldn't make her feel what she didn't. He was going to have to come to grips with that, he was going to have to move on. It was what he did- what he always did. He had to throw himself into something else, find another focus to concentrate on.
His mind drifted to Alexis. She was going through a tough time and although he called her everyday to make sure she and Kristina were doing well, he didn't spend nearly as much time seeing them as he should. He glanced at his watch. Alexis had brought Kristina back to the hospital again. He would go visit them tomorrow, show his best friend some support and buy Kristina a present from Uncle Jax. True love wasn't the only love that existed- there were other types of love too. And if he couldn't succeed in one, he was damn well determined to succeed in the other.