Notes: Heero POV, nice and emotional, all sweet and sappy and Heero in total denial, just how I like him. Don't worry, he'll get better, and to make up for Duo's lack of emotional meltdown in the last chapter, I put one in this chapter, but from Heero's POV. Enjoy and review!
Whether Duo actually slept or not, I don't know, but he stayed in his room until well after ten, and I would occasionally hear the bed springs creak, so I know he was on his bed from time to time. I myself didn't sleep. I couldn't. I was too worried about how the hell I was going to help Duo, and too stunned that I had put Duo before the war.
I had sent back 'mission refused', something I thought I would never, ever do. It had never even occurred to me that I might refuse a mission before. Why had I put Duo before the war? I mean, he needed me, sure, but so did the war. I had been living for this war for years. It was all I thought about, all I existed for. But I had turned my back on it. I had chosen Duo over the war.
"Heero, are you alright?" Quatre asked, and I blinked, surprised. "You're frowning."
"Thinking," I said shortly, and he went away. I looked back at the screen of my laptop and pulled up an empty Word document, typing nonsense so that they would think I was working. I couldn't get past the fact that I had put DUO before the war. The war was everything to me. It was what I was trained for, what I lived for, it was the meaning of my existence. Yet... when I had realised that Duo needed me.... I'd turned my back on it. I'd weighed the two in my mind and Duo had been more important.
He was... important... to me... as more than a comrade. I wasn't thinking of him as a soldier and Gundam pilot, I was thinking of him as Duo, the guy with the violet eyes who sings along to the radio. He's important. To me. Because I care. About him. I care about him. A lot. More than I should. More than I ever have about anything.
I blinked the screen back into focus and realised that I had typed just over two pages of the same three words. I stared at the screen for a long time, unable to believe what my subconscious was trying to tell me. I cared about him, yes, I could just about admit that, but... I couldn't... I didn't.... Did I?
Gulping, I carefully highlighted the text and moved to hit the delete key, but found myself hesitating. To delete it was almost like deleting my feelings, in my own mind, at least, and I didn't want to do that. They could be a pain sometimes, but I didn't want to be emotionless. And... if it was true... if I did....
I suddenly couldn't delete the text, so I ended up saving it to a highly classified, highly protected folder, and password-protected it six ways to Sunday. I stared at the file, labelled only with the date, and fought a minor battle with myself over deleting it. It was stupid, really, and took up space on my laptop that could be used for something else, something IMPORTANT, and it was really pointless to keep it. But... what if it was true? What if I did...
Gods, didn't I have enough to worry about without adding just a little more emotional confusion too? I couldn't handle this! I could not be in love! I wasn't ALLOWED to fall in love! I'm a frigging soldier, a Gundam pilot, I don't do love! I do pain and blood and death but I don't do love!
I wasn't really aware of what had happened until the crash brought Quatre, Trowa and Wufei running, guns drawn and looking for enemies. I blinked and looked at the dark coffee stain on the wall opposite me, and wondered just why the hell my hand had hurled my cup at the wall.
"Heero, you okay?" Quatre asked hesitantly, putting his gun away and watching me with a very... unsure expression.
"I'm... fine," I managed to say in a somewhat strangled voice. "I just... I'm fine."
"You don't feel fine. You feel all panicky and... denial?"
"Stay the fuck out of my emotions!"
"Hey!" Trowa said, not really loudly but forcefully, glaring at me. He was very protective of Quatre, and I sighed, running a hand through my hair.
"Sorry. I'm fine, Quatre, I just... I'm a bit stressed."
"Lying doesn't really work to me, Heero. You may not show your emotions, but you feel them very strongly. Just what are you fighting so hard against? It'll win eventually, and it'll be less painful to just give up. Because whatever it is, it's strong. And it's... unexpected and... new.... Heero, what ARE you in denial about?"
Having an empath for a friend was a bitch sometimes. I sighed and searched for a way to make him go away that wouldn't be too embarrassing or revealing. "I just... I guess I'm not used to... caring." Alright, so that was a bit embarrassing, but it didn't involve the L-word, or Duo, so maybe it wasn't so bad.
Quatre smiled sympathetically, and then glanced at the coffee-stained wall. "Well, next time you feel like you want to vent, do some exercises routines, maybe a few katas or something; we don't have enough dishes for you to shatter on a regular basis."
I let out a heavy sigh, deflating completely. "Right. Sorry. I just... my control slipped. It won't happen again."
"You must really be stressed right now for you to be having problems with your control," Wufei commented, and I glared at him.
"I have just decided that Duo is more important than the war right now. How the fuck would YOU handle it?" Well, so much for not being too embarrassing or revealing. I growled and stalked out of the kitchen.
There was no hanger for the Gundams to stay, just a small clearing in the woods with camouflage nets and electronic scramblers. I climbed up Wing, pressed my thumb against the small, almost completely hidden pad, and waited until it recognised my thumbprint and opened the hatch. I clambered into my sanctuary and closed myself off from the outside world. I liked my cockpit. I was in complete control here, no fears or worries or uncertainties. I was safe and protected here. It was sanctuary in every sense of the word.
Sighing, I let my head fall back against the headrest and started up just enough systems to play some music, a compilation album of softly-sung songs by female artists. I may not go Duo's extremes to avoid it, but I didn't like silence, so I often had soft music playing in the background, nothing that was too distracting, just enough to fill the quiet.
Gods, I couldn't handle this. I couldn't be in love. It was not an emotion I did. I did happiness and anger and sadness and apathy and guilt but I didn't do love. It wasn't allowed. It was against all the rules. And why DUO? Yes, I cared about him, but I liked him as a FRIEND, or maybe a distant brother, or something like that, but I didn't love him.
*But you are attracted to him,* a little voice in the back of my head said. *You dream about him, about how it would feel to be with him...*
*That's just lust, dammit!* I mentally snapped at the voice. *Lust is not love, and I would never even think of trying to make those... fantastic dreams a reality. He'd slug me!*
*Are you sure?*
*Of course I'm fucking sure! He sees me as the enemy now!*
*And that hurts, doesn't it? You don't want him to hate you. You want him to lo-*
*Shut up!*
In an attempt to stop arguing with myself, I started playing a different album, one Duo had given me to 'pretty please play it in battle, because I just bought it and it rocks and it so gets my blood pumping but 'Scythe's stereo system is busted, man, and I can't play it, and I'll be your best friend forever'. He'd said those last three words in a little-kid kind of voice, adding an extra 'r' to make it forev-err instead of forever.
I shook my head to clear away those memories and listened as Linkin Park's Meteora album started. He had asked me specifically to play track nine if it looked like we were gonna finish the battle before then. I never had played the track. Deathscythe had taken a nasty hit and knocked Duo out. I'd had to protect him and get him back to the safe house, so I'd turned off the music at track seven.
Curious to hear what Duo deemed 'the best track on the entire album, man, it like, totally rocks', I skipped the rest of the tracks to 'Breaking the Habit'.
Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
(Unless I try to start again)
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realise
That I'm the one confused
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm
Breaking the habit
Tonight
Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I have no options left again
I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking the habit
Breaking the habit
Tonight
Oh dear Gods.
That was my only thought. I just sat in stunned silence, only vaguely aware of track ten starting. I couldn't stop hearing the lyrics. They were... perfect. So bloody fucking accurate. He didn't know what was worth fighting for, he didn't know why the battles always chose him. Oh dear Gods.
A distant part of my brain noted that the song was very nice and hoped that maybe Duo just like the rhythm and the way the guy sang, and that he didn't associate with the lyrics, but the rest of my brain was more realistic.
What was I gonna do? Should I confront him? Should I tell the others? Should I ignore it? Gods, I felt so fucking... lost. I was not trained to deal with this crap. I didn't know shit about emotions and feelings and what the hell was I supposed to do?
*Okay, calm down, Yuy, you can do this, you just have to focus. Now, what do you usually do when confronted with a new situation?*
*Err... research?*
*Good boy! You do research! So grab your laptop, start a search, and find out from professionals what you're supposed to do.*
I was more than a little embarrassed that I hadn't thought to do research before now and only my strong will kept me from blushing. *Uh... right.*
*Idiot.*
*Shut up.*
Shaking my head, I climbed out of the cockpit and jumped down to the ground, landing in a neat crouch. I walked back to the house to find that Duo was sitting in the kitchen with his laptop. He closed whatever he was working on as soon as I opened the door. He had his back to me and didn't turn around, just sat and offered me his back. That... hurt. A little twinge in my heart. I squashed that feeling before the little voice in the back of my head got started again.
"Where's everyone else?" I asked, my voice calm and emotionless.
"Wufei's out in Shenlong, Quatre and Trowa are upstairs."
"Right."
I was at the door before he spoke again, and his voice held such a hopeless, defeated tone that I'm pretty sure my heart skipped a beat.
"I really need them, Heero."
My breath caught in my throat and I closed my eyes. "I'm sorry, Duo. But I can't give them back. I can't let you continue hurting yourself."
"Heero..."
"I'm sorry." I walked out before I'd have to hear that defeated tone again, shutting myself away in my room. I threw myself on the bed and stared blankly at the ceiling for exactly eleven minutes and forty-six seconds, before rolling over to stare at the corner, at the tiny crack in the wall that held Duo's blades. They were so small and... delicate, yet they were causing so much pain and hurt and....
Someone knocked on the door, jerking me out of my thoughts, and I growled something that might've been 'come in' or might've been 'fuck off'. I'm not entirely sure. Whatever I said, the door opened, and Trowa stepped in.
"Wufei and I are leaving in a minute, but I wanted to tell you... watch Duo. Closely. Don't let him out of your sight." There was something... urgent in his green eyes, something desperate and afraid. It made me sit up as if someone had shot me.
"Why? What's happened? Trowa?"
"Nothing's happened, but I've been watching him. He's rubbing his hands against his jeans and fidgeting a lot. He's starting to get jittery. Keep him distracted. I've already told Quatre."
Shit shit shit shit shit!
"You have to stay," I found myself saying desperately. "You understand what he's going through. You have to stay."
"I won't be any good, Heero, I never got to where he's at, and he doesn't need me, he needs you. Well, actually he needs his blades, but don't give them to him."
"Of course not!"
"Sorry. Look, just keep him distracted, alright? Play a game of chess or review some old missions, spar with him, anything, just don't let him be alone, and don't sit in silence. Silence is bad."
He left before I could plead with him to stay. What the fuck did he mean he wouldn't be any good? I had no idea what to do! What if I screwed up? What if something happened? What if-
*Quit with the what ifs and get down there and distract him!*
*I really hate you, you know that?*
*Well I think you're a self-absorbed idiot who doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground, so we're even.*
"I can't believe I'm arguing with myself," I muttered, stalking downstairs.
Quatre and Duo were in the living room. The TV was on, and Quatre was giving a running commentary on the show. It was obvious Duo wasn't hearing him. He was indeed rubbing his hands against his jeans, and his feet seemed to be constantly moving, and he was gnawing on his lip so hard I was surprised he didn't draw blood.
"Hey, Duo, do you want to play a game of chess?" I asked, and he looked at me with desperate eyes. He wouldn't beg me, not with Quatre in the room, but he made it clear what he wanted. Chess would not help, I saw that. He was too jittery for chess. Fuck!
"Duo, you look tired, why don't you upstairs and rest?" Quatre suggested softly. "Heero, go put him in bed."
He gave me a look that clearly said 'stay with him and help him' and I nodded. I put my hands on Duo's shoulders and led him up to his room. Yes, led. He was so damned... submissive. He just followed where I pushed him, and we laid on the bed together, much like we had before.
I began humming the same tune, stroking his braid, and it was like something broke inside of him. He was suddenly trembling violently, clutching at me, pressing so very close to me.
I may not admit it out loud, but I am perfectly capable of being scared, and I was terrified. I didn't know what to do, dammit!
"Come on, Duo, just breathe with me. Come on, baby, just hold on, it'll pass, I promise. I'm sorry you have to go through this, baby, but it'll pass, just breathe."
It was at that point that I realised I had called him baby and went back to humming.
His skin was hot to the touch, but he was shivering madly as if he were cold. I didn't know if he needed a wet cloth on his brow or several thick blankets. His breath was coming in ragged gasps, ripped almost painfully from his throat, but he was breathing, so I couldn't complain too much. If he stopped breathing like last time, then I'd panic, but right now I had to maintain my calm, keep my focus. I had to be strong, because I was not only supporting myself now, I was supporting him. He couldn't take care of himself at the moment, so I had to do it for him, and dammit, I would not fail! I will never fail him!
He mumbled words under his breath occasionally, and I didn't understand most of what I heard. 'Burns' 'itches' 'fire' 'bugs' 'hurts' 'need' 'help'.
He only said help once, and it was the last word he did say, but it echoed in my mind. He'd asked for help. Not consciously, but he had asked for it. He wanted help. My help.
"I'll help you, Duo," I whispered into his hair, closing my eyes. "I promise."
It wasn't that easy. A promise of help didn't make his jitters pass. He held onto me and shivered, and sometimes I had to remind him to breathe when he stopped, but with the knowledge that he had asked for help held firmly in my mind, I was able to get through it, and more importantly, able to help him get through it. That's not to say that I wasn't still scared, I was, but it was a manageable fear now. I could work through it.
The whole thing lasted maybe half an hour, but it seemed like an eternity. Eventually, though, he began to stop shivering, and just clutched at me. After a few moments, his breathing evened and he fell asleep. I didn't let go of him. I continued to hold him and sing to him and I swore that I would help him through this. And I whispered three very important words to him.
"I love you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AN: Arrrggghhh! Damn my frigging muse! Okay, before anyone yells at me, I did intend for Duo's little episode to be longer. I actually intended it to be the focus of the entire chapter. But, apparently, Duo's little episodes are easier to write from his point of view, so... I'm sorry. This chapter isn't at all what I planned for it to be, and I had no idea I was going to add in a song, which is bloody brilliant and everyone should listen to it to just get the feel for it, because I think it fits Duo rather well in this story. Anyway, once again, I am sorry for the shortness of the last little bit.
Whether Duo actually slept or not, I don't know, but he stayed in his room until well after ten, and I would occasionally hear the bed springs creak, so I know he was on his bed from time to time. I myself didn't sleep. I couldn't. I was too worried about how the hell I was going to help Duo, and too stunned that I had put Duo before the war.
I had sent back 'mission refused', something I thought I would never, ever do. It had never even occurred to me that I might refuse a mission before. Why had I put Duo before the war? I mean, he needed me, sure, but so did the war. I had been living for this war for years. It was all I thought about, all I existed for. But I had turned my back on it. I had chosen Duo over the war.
"Heero, are you alright?" Quatre asked, and I blinked, surprised. "You're frowning."
"Thinking," I said shortly, and he went away. I looked back at the screen of my laptop and pulled up an empty Word document, typing nonsense so that they would think I was working. I couldn't get past the fact that I had put DUO before the war. The war was everything to me. It was what I was trained for, what I lived for, it was the meaning of my existence. Yet... when I had realised that Duo needed me.... I'd turned my back on it. I'd weighed the two in my mind and Duo had been more important.
He was... important... to me... as more than a comrade. I wasn't thinking of him as a soldier and Gundam pilot, I was thinking of him as Duo, the guy with the violet eyes who sings along to the radio. He's important. To me. Because I care. About him. I care about him. A lot. More than I should. More than I ever have about anything.
I blinked the screen back into focus and realised that I had typed just over two pages of the same three words. I stared at the screen for a long time, unable to believe what my subconscious was trying to tell me. I cared about him, yes, I could just about admit that, but... I couldn't... I didn't.... Did I?
Gulping, I carefully highlighted the text and moved to hit the delete key, but found myself hesitating. To delete it was almost like deleting my feelings, in my own mind, at least, and I didn't want to do that. They could be a pain sometimes, but I didn't want to be emotionless. And... if it was true... if I did....
I suddenly couldn't delete the text, so I ended up saving it to a highly classified, highly protected folder, and password-protected it six ways to Sunday. I stared at the file, labelled only with the date, and fought a minor battle with myself over deleting it. It was stupid, really, and took up space on my laptop that could be used for something else, something IMPORTANT, and it was really pointless to keep it. But... what if it was true? What if I did...
Gods, didn't I have enough to worry about without adding just a little more emotional confusion too? I couldn't handle this! I could not be in love! I wasn't ALLOWED to fall in love! I'm a frigging soldier, a Gundam pilot, I don't do love! I do pain and blood and death but I don't do love!
I wasn't really aware of what had happened until the crash brought Quatre, Trowa and Wufei running, guns drawn and looking for enemies. I blinked and looked at the dark coffee stain on the wall opposite me, and wondered just why the hell my hand had hurled my cup at the wall.
"Heero, you okay?" Quatre asked hesitantly, putting his gun away and watching me with a very... unsure expression.
"I'm... fine," I managed to say in a somewhat strangled voice. "I just... I'm fine."
"You don't feel fine. You feel all panicky and... denial?"
"Stay the fuck out of my emotions!"
"Hey!" Trowa said, not really loudly but forcefully, glaring at me. He was very protective of Quatre, and I sighed, running a hand through my hair.
"Sorry. I'm fine, Quatre, I just... I'm a bit stressed."
"Lying doesn't really work to me, Heero. You may not show your emotions, but you feel them very strongly. Just what are you fighting so hard against? It'll win eventually, and it'll be less painful to just give up. Because whatever it is, it's strong. And it's... unexpected and... new.... Heero, what ARE you in denial about?"
Having an empath for a friend was a bitch sometimes. I sighed and searched for a way to make him go away that wouldn't be too embarrassing or revealing. "I just... I guess I'm not used to... caring." Alright, so that was a bit embarrassing, but it didn't involve the L-word, or Duo, so maybe it wasn't so bad.
Quatre smiled sympathetically, and then glanced at the coffee-stained wall. "Well, next time you feel like you want to vent, do some exercises routines, maybe a few katas or something; we don't have enough dishes for you to shatter on a regular basis."
I let out a heavy sigh, deflating completely. "Right. Sorry. I just... my control slipped. It won't happen again."
"You must really be stressed right now for you to be having problems with your control," Wufei commented, and I glared at him.
"I have just decided that Duo is more important than the war right now. How the fuck would YOU handle it?" Well, so much for not being too embarrassing or revealing. I growled and stalked out of the kitchen.
There was no hanger for the Gundams to stay, just a small clearing in the woods with camouflage nets and electronic scramblers. I climbed up Wing, pressed my thumb against the small, almost completely hidden pad, and waited until it recognised my thumbprint and opened the hatch. I clambered into my sanctuary and closed myself off from the outside world. I liked my cockpit. I was in complete control here, no fears or worries or uncertainties. I was safe and protected here. It was sanctuary in every sense of the word.
Sighing, I let my head fall back against the headrest and started up just enough systems to play some music, a compilation album of softly-sung songs by female artists. I may not go Duo's extremes to avoid it, but I didn't like silence, so I often had soft music playing in the background, nothing that was too distracting, just enough to fill the quiet.
Gods, I couldn't handle this. I couldn't be in love. It was not an emotion I did. I did happiness and anger and sadness and apathy and guilt but I didn't do love. It wasn't allowed. It was against all the rules. And why DUO? Yes, I cared about him, but I liked him as a FRIEND, or maybe a distant brother, or something like that, but I didn't love him.
*But you are attracted to him,* a little voice in the back of my head said. *You dream about him, about how it would feel to be with him...*
*That's just lust, dammit!* I mentally snapped at the voice. *Lust is not love, and I would never even think of trying to make those... fantastic dreams a reality. He'd slug me!*
*Are you sure?*
*Of course I'm fucking sure! He sees me as the enemy now!*
*And that hurts, doesn't it? You don't want him to hate you. You want him to lo-*
*Shut up!*
In an attempt to stop arguing with myself, I started playing a different album, one Duo had given me to 'pretty please play it in battle, because I just bought it and it rocks and it so gets my blood pumping but 'Scythe's stereo system is busted, man, and I can't play it, and I'll be your best friend forever'. He'd said those last three words in a little-kid kind of voice, adding an extra 'r' to make it forev-err instead of forever.
I shook my head to clear away those memories and listened as Linkin Park's Meteora album started. He had asked me specifically to play track nine if it looked like we were gonna finish the battle before then. I never had played the track. Deathscythe had taken a nasty hit and knocked Duo out. I'd had to protect him and get him back to the safe house, so I'd turned off the music at track seven.
Curious to hear what Duo deemed 'the best track on the entire album, man, it like, totally rocks', I skipped the rest of the tracks to 'Breaking the Habit'.
Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
(Unless I try to start again)
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realise
That I'm the one confused
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm
Breaking the habit
Tonight
Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I have no options left again
I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking the habit
Breaking the habit
Tonight
Oh dear Gods.
That was my only thought. I just sat in stunned silence, only vaguely aware of track ten starting. I couldn't stop hearing the lyrics. They were... perfect. So bloody fucking accurate. He didn't know what was worth fighting for, he didn't know why the battles always chose him. Oh dear Gods.
A distant part of my brain noted that the song was very nice and hoped that maybe Duo just like the rhythm and the way the guy sang, and that he didn't associate with the lyrics, but the rest of my brain was more realistic.
What was I gonna do? Should I confront him? Should I tell the others? Should I ignore it? Gods, I felt so fucking... lost. I was not trained to deal with this crap. I didn't know shit about emotions and feelings and what the hell was I supposed to do?
*Okay, calm down, Yuy, you can do this, you just have to focus. Now, what do you usually do when confronted with a new situation?*
*Err... research?*
*Good boy! You do research! So grab your laptop, start a search, and find out from professionals what you're supposed to do.*
I was more than a little embarrassed that I hadn't thought to do research before now and only my strong will kept me from blushing. *Uh... right.*
*Idiot.*
*Shut up.*
Shaking my head, I climbed out of the cockpit and jumped down to the ground, landing in a neat crouch. I walked back to the house to find that Duo was sitting in the kitchen with his laptop. He closed whatever he was working on as soon as I opened the door. He had his back to me and didn't turn around, just sat and offered me his back. That... hurt. A little twinge in my heart. I squashed that feeling before the little voice in the back of my head got started again.
"Where's everyone else?" I asked, my voice calm and emotionless.
"Wufei's out in Shenlong, Quatre and Trowa are upstairs."
"Right."
I was at the door before he spoke again, and his voice held such a hopeless, defeated tone that I'm pretty sure my heart skipped a beat.
"I really need them, Heero."
My breath caught in my throat and I closed my eyes. "I'm sorry, Duo. But I can't give them back. I can't let you continue hurting yourself."
"Heero..."
"I'm sorry." I walked out before I'd have to hear that defeated tone again, shutting myself away in my room. I threw myself on the bed and stared blankly at the ceiling for exactly eleven minutes and forty-six seconds, before rolling over to stare at the corner, at the tiny crack in the wall that held Duo's blades. They were so small and... delicate, yet they were causing so much pain and hurt and....
Someone knocked on the door, jerking me out of my thoughts, and I growled something that might've been 'come in' or might've been 'fuck off'. I'm not entirely sure. Whatever I said, the door opened, and Trowa stepped in.
"Wufei and I are leaving in a minute, but I wanted to tell you... watch Duo. Closely. Don't let him out of your sight." There was something... urgent in his green eyes, something desperate and afraid. It made me sit up as if someone had shot me.
"Why? What's happened? Trowa?"
"Nothing's happened, but I've been watching him. He's rubbing his hands against his jeans and fidgeting a lot. He's starting to get jittery. Keep him distracted. I've already told Quatre."
Shit shit shit shit shit!
"You have to stay," I found myself saying desperately. "You understand what he's going through. You have to stay."
"I won't be any good, Heero, I never got to where he's at, and he doesn't need me, he needs you. Well, actually he needs his blades, but don't give them to him."
"Of course not!"
"Sorry. Look, just keep him distracted, alright? Play a game of chess or review some old missions, spar with him, anything, just don't let him be alone, and don't sit in silence. Silence is bad."
He left before I could plead with him to stay. What the fuck did he mean he wouldn't be any good? I had no idea what to do! What if I screwed up? What if something happened? What if-
*Quit with the what ifs and get down there and distract him!*
*I really hate you, you know that?*
*Well I think you're a self-absorbed idiot who doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground, so we're even.*
"I can't believe I'm arguing with myself," I muttered, stalking downstairs.
Quatre and Duo were in the living room. The TV was on, and Quatre was giving a running commentary on the show. It was obvious Duo wasn't hearing him. He was indeed rubbing his hands against his jeans, and his feet seemed to be constantly moving, and he was gnawing on his lip so hard I was surprised he didn't draw blood.
"Hey, Duo, do you want to play a game of chess?" I asked, and he looked at me with desperate eyes. He wouldn't beg me, not with Quatre in the room, but he made it clear what he wanted. Chess would not help, I saw that. He was too jittery for chess. Fuck!
"Duo, you look tired, why don't you upstairs and rest?" Quatre suggested softly. "Heero, go put him in bed."
He gave me a look that clearly said 'stay with him and help him' and I nodded. I put my hands on Duo's shoulders and led him up to his room. Yes, led. He was so damned... submissive. He just followed where I pushed him, and we laid on the bed together, much like we had before.
I began humming the same tune, stroking his braid, and it was like something broke inside of him. He was suddenly trembling violently, clutching at me, pressing so very close to me.
I may not admit it out loud, but I am perfectly capable of being scared, and I was terrified. I didn't know what to do, dammit!
"Come on, Duo, just breathe with me. Come on, baby, just hold on, it'll pass, I promise. I'm sorry you have to go through this, baby, but it'll pass, just breathe."
It was at that point that I realised I had called him baby and went back to humming.
His skin was hot to the touch, but he was shivering madly as if he were cold. I didn't know if he needed a wet cloth on his brow or several thick blankets. His breath was coming in ragged gasps, ripped almost painfully from his throat, but he was breathing, so I couldn't complain too much. If he stopped breathing like last time, then I'd panic, but right now I had to maintain my calm, keep my focus. I had to be strong, because I was not only supporting myself now, I was supporting him. He couldn't take care of himself at the moment, so I had to do it for him, and dammit, I would not fail! I will never fail him!
He mumbled words under his breath occasionally, and I didn't understand most of what I heard. 'Burns' 'itches' 'fire' 'bugs' 'hurts' 'need' 'help'.
He only said help once, and it was the last word he did say, but it echoed in my mind. He'd asked for help. Not consciously, but he had asked for it. He wanted help. My help.
"I'll help you, Duo," I whispered into his hair, closing my eyes. "I promise."
It wasn't that easy. A promise of help didn't make his jitters pass. He held onto me and shivered, and sometimes I had to remind him to breathe when he stopped, but with the knowledge that he had asked for help held firmly in my mind, I was able to get through it, and more importantly, able to help him get through it. That's not to say that I wasn't still scared, I was, but it was a manageable fear now. I could work through it.
The whole thing lasted maybe half an hour, but it seemed like an eternity. Eventually, though, he began to stop shivering, and just clutched at me. After a few moments, his breathing evened and he fell asleep. I didn't let go of him. I continued to hold him and sing to him and I swore that I would help him through this. And I whispered three very important words to him.
"I love you."
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AN: Arrrggghhh! Damn my frigging muse! Okay, before anyone yells at me, I did intend for Duo's little episode to be longer. I actually intended it to be the focus of the entire chapter. But, apparently, Duo's little episodes are easier to write from his point of view, so... I'm sorry. This chapter isn't at all what I planned for it to be, and I had no idea I was going to add in a song, which is bloody brilliant and everyone should listen to it to just get the feel for it, because I think it fits Duo rather well in this story. Anyway, once again, I am sorry for the shortness of the last little bit.