- To Kim, for hoping that my cat was okay : )
Now back to the complete and utter silliness.....
Chapter Nine:
"Owww" Sara muttered grumpily, furiously rubbing her aching, beating, temples, as she tried to slowly sit up.
"No ... drums ..... owww." Catherine mumbled unintelligibly as she sat up beside her lovely fiance.
"Turn them off !" She whined as she smacked the younger woman on the arm, sure that the brunette was behind this all somehow.
"OWWW !" Sara exclaimed offendidly, rubbing her now sore arm. Turning she quickly smacked the older woman back.
"You turn them off !" She shouted, sticking her tongue out to further emphasis just how upset she was with the other woman.
"No!" Catherine shouted back, happily ignoring the pain this caused her head.
"Yes!" Sara demanded, rather feed up with the annoying constant beating and with the obstinate woman beside her.
"No !" Catherine growled lowly, scrunching up her bleary squinting eyes menacingly.
"God Damn it Catherine! If you don't ..." Sara began to rant, before being cut off by a nasty slap.
"What the ...... ?" Sara muttered utterly confused. The slap certainly hadn't come from the ravishing strawberry blonde beside her, so that meant there must be someone else in the room.
"Ohh My God !" Sara muttered, absolutely shocked, as she took in the sight of one smiling Sister Mary Joseph Emmanuel, complete with her very own set of bongo drums.
"Now, now Miss Sidle. It is a sin to use the Lord's name in vain." She tsked the young woman, as she put her drums down and pulled up a chair to the end of the bed.
"What the HELL are you doing in my room ?!" Catherine angrily demanded. "Cause I sure as GOD DAMNED HELL don't remember inviting you !" She added, hoping that she really hadn't invited the old woman over.
"I've brought pamphlets." The nun replied, as though this should explain everything.
"Ohh well that's perfectly alright then." Catherine commented sarcastically.
"Good." Sister Mary Joseph smiled, as she turned the first pamphlet to show them.
"Now I'd like to begin with this one entitled 'In the Beginning God Made Adam and Eve NOT Adam and Steve.' ......"
"Ohhh my god ....." Sara muttered lowly to herself as she fell back against the bed. One certainly did not expect to wake up to this after ones bachelor party!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Then in this next pamphlet we can see all the sorts of horrible afflictions that can effect people in a homosexual relationship. Look there's even pictures!" Sister Mary exclaimed excitedly as she waved the page about infront of the two CSIs.
"Catherine, she's been here for like three hours already, make her leave !" Sara whined pitifully to the other woman.
"Ummm well I could just kiss you .... that seemed to work last night." The strawberry blonde suggested, waggling her eyebrows suggestively at the younger woman, as she leaned invitingly closer to her.
"Ohhh yeah ! You should sooooo try that." Sara happily agreed, as she lifted herself up to meet the other woman, greedily capturing her lips in her own.
"Hmmm. Yes well, here we see a picture of a Mr John Smith of Alaska who developed gangrene of the lower leg, after spending the night with a Mr Andrews." Sister Mary loudly read over the moaning and sighing coming from the bed in front of her.
"Doesn't seem to be working to well." Catherine sniggered as she finally released the younger woman's lips.
"Maybe I should just completely ravish you." She quickly suggested, as she lowered her hands to the brunettes slightly rumbled shirt.
"Mmmm, ohh yeah !" Sara moaned happily, quickly bringing her hands down to help the older woman.
"Hang on a minute !" Sara suddenly exclaimed, leaping away from the other CSI and completely halting her naughty hands.
"Why am I still wearing my shirt ?!" She demanded angrily.
"Well you wouldn't have been if you had let me continue." Catherine grumbled frustratedly.
"No I mean why was I STILL wearing my shirt ?!" The younger woman whined. Lifting up the bed covers she quickly peered from her fully clothed body, to that of her fully clothed fiance.
"Ohh my God ! We've still got all our clothes on !" She exclaimed in utter disbelief.
"okay ....." Catherine muttered, wondering if maybe the brunette was actually completely bonkers after all.
"Damn it Catherine! You promised me I'd get lucky." She yelled at the frowning woman, deciding to smack her once again, to reinforce the injustice of her situation.
"What .... ?! But I ...." Catherine mumbled, rather thrown by the young woman's silly tantrum.
"Look honey, we were clearly very tiered and DRUNK last night, so It was probably for the best. Anyway I am marrying you - so its not like your not ever going to get lucky again. And do I need to remind you that I was trying to ravish you just before." Catherine defended herself.
"But you promised." Sara pouted unhappily.
"So do you have any pamphlets there about GOD DAMNED LIARS ?" She asked the still droning on nun.
"Why yes !" Sister Mary exclaimed, happy that the moaning had stopped and that everybody was paying attention to her once more.
"Now in this pamphlet here we can see that all homosexuals are infact big fat liars." She stated, turning the page to show the young brunette.
"ohh my God....." Catherine muttered lowly to herself as she fell back against the bed. One certainly did not expect to wake up to this after one's bachelor part !
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Sara loudly stomped into her office, annoyed that no one was around to witness her bad mood.
Growling angrily, she headed for her desk, and unhappily threw herself into her chair, only then noticing the single, beautiful, blood red rose layed across her desk.
"Awww" She muttered happily as she picked up the pretty flower and brought it to her nose.
Noticing a small card sitting on her desk, she carefully placed the rose back on her desk and read the note.
"Sara, Please take this flower as a token off my utter and undying love for you. I am sorry that I failed to keep my promise to you last night, but to quote one of the great thinkers of our time, please know that you will always 'Make me horny baby' - Catherine."
"Wow!" Sara scowled as she threw the note back on her desk "She wants a fifty thousand dollar dress, and all I get is one cheap arsed flower !"
"Humph ! Its probably plastic anyway." She grumbled as she leapt up and stalked out the door, wondering if it would be more fun to yell at Greg or at Nick.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Not finding Nick or Greg anywhere, the angry brunette decided to try one last look in the break room, at the very least she could help herself to a nice cup of extremely caffineated coffee.
However upon entering the room, the only thing that she found was her soon to be wife emptying the very last dregs of the coffee pot into her cup.
"No !" Sara exclaimed miserably.
Maybe Sister Mary J. was right. God must really hate her, she decided as she stomped up to her smiling fiance.
"Hey baby." Catherine smiled at her stunningly gorgeous fiance, only to be greeted by a low, pissed off growl.
"Umm so did you get my present ?" Catherine asked, as she carefully took a step back from the younger woman.
"Uh huh." Sara muttered, staring longingly at the older woman's cup.
"So umm am I forgiven then ?" Catherine queried.
"Nope." Sara muttered, wondering if she should just grab the cup from the other woman's grasp.
"What if I promised to make it up to you tonight ?" Catherine whispered seductively into the brunettes ear.
"Umm I ahh ......" Sara mumbled quickly losing her train of thought. Damn but Catherine was good, she thought in annoyance.
"Good" The older woman smirked, as she stepped back and downed the last of her coffee.
"No !" Sara cried, seeing the beautiful liquid vanishing into the other woman's mouth.
Reacting quickly, she grasped the other woman's neck, and pulled her into a smouldering kiss.
"Mmmm" She happily moaned as she tasted the remanets of the coffee on the older woman's lips.
"Ohh baby." Catherine sighed, glad the other woman wasn't angry with her anymore.
Damn but she was good, she thought to happily to herself.
"Now children, here we can see the 'homosexual' in its natural debaucherous state." Sister Mary Joseph Emmanuel informed the sleepy convent children infront of her.
"What the ?!" Sara shouted in utter shock, as she disentangled herself from her caffeine fix.
"Ohh for God's sake !" Catherine exclaimed angrily, when was the elderly woman going to learn to get lost.
"See how the 'homosexual' is a natural blasphemer." She continued. "Now write that down children, it could be in your tests later." She informed them.
"What the HELL are you doing here ?!" Sara demanded, wondering if a court would grant her an AVO on a nun.
"The children and I are on an excursion trip to see the damned in there natural environments." She informed the young woman.
"A School trip ?!" Sara exclaimed in shock.
"But its the middle of the GOD DAMNED night !" She yelled, not quite believing the audacity of the woman.
"Hmm yes, it seems that's the best time to catch such debaucherous people." Sister Mary sagely told the CSI.
"You're a GOD DAMNED loony !" Sara yelled irately as she grabbed her fiance and pulled her out of the room.
"And I'm telling my mom on you - so there !" She added snidely as she pulled them both out of the break room.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"What a looooong night." Sara sighed wearily as she exited Catherine's car and began to walk up the path to her house.
"Awwww poor baby." Catherine sniggered as she quickly opened her door and thrust the complaining woman inside.
"Now I believe I made you a promise I intend to keep." She growled as she pushed the brunette against the wall and greedily captured her lips.
"Mmmm...... Wait where's Lindsay ?" Sara quickly asked, as she pulled herself away from the lustful woman.
"Sleep over." Catherine muttered, once again pinning the young woman to the wall.
"Ohh. Right. Good." Sara nodded.
"Hang on, where ?" She asked, hoping Catherine hadn't meant she was having a sleep over here.
"Chad ?! I don't know !" Catherine exclaimed frustratedly.
"Ahhh ......" Sara began.
"Sara. Shut up !" Catherine growled as she once again pounced on the young woman.
"Mmmm. Okay." Sara sighed happily, as she pulled the older woman harder against her.
"Hello. Excuse me." A third voice interrupted them from the couch.
"What the ...... ?!" Both woman exclaimed, quickly leaping apart to see a somewhat flushed looking Sister Mary waving at them.
"Ohh My God ! Did you give her keys or something ?!" Sara demanded angrily.
"I'm going to kill you, you silly old bat !" Catherine screamed frustratedly as she advanced on the elderly woman.
"Yes. That's another one of the unfortunate side effects of the 'homosexual' - homicidal tendencies." Sister Mary sadly shook her head.
"Actually I'm here to help you both." She told the two glowering CSIs.
"Lady, the only way you can help me is by getting lost !" Catherine growled as she continued her advance on the pompous nun.
"I have a spider." Sister Mary sweetly told them.
"A big hairy tarantula type spider." She continued.
"I believe your looking for one ?" She added.
"But how ...... ?!" Sara spluttered, certain that the old woman couldn't really know everything that had happened.
"I have my connections." The elderly nun smiled, looking heavenward.
"Ohh." Sara muttered disappointedly. Well clearly they were screwed.
"Well umm I've already got another one lined up, so you can just ummm ...." Sara muttered.
"Hmmm yes your San Francisco contact, well I'm afraid he had a little accident." Sister Mary informed them "So I guess you really do need my help after all then, don't you." She smiled sweetly at the shocked women.
"What's the catch." Catherine asked, almost afraid of what the answer would be.
"Ahh yes the catch." Sister Mary smiled even wider.
"In exchange for one extremely rear Mexican Red-Legged Tarantula, all I ask is that you both attend one week of our 'Lets get it STRAIGHT' camp."
" Your what camp ?!" Sara asked bewildered.
"Our camp for reforming homosexuals back into the straight lifestyle."
"?!" Both CSIs exclaimed.
"Your joking right......" Sara spluttered, clearly shocked.
"One week, that is all.Then I will leave you alone for ever." Sister Mary stated.
"And if it doesn't work ?" Catherine questioned.
"Dearie, if it doesn't work then I will run away to Nicaragua and join a post modern belly dancing troop." The nun laughed.
"But ...." Catherine encouraged.
"Fine." Sister Mary sighed. "One week, work or not you still get the spider.
"Great." Catherine clapped her hands, happy to have a way to get rid of the old lady.
"So where do I sign ?!"
TBC ......................
Now back to the complete and utter silliness.....
Chapter Nine:
"Owww" Sara muttered grumpily, furiously rubbing her aching, beating, temples, as she tried to slowly sit up.
"No ... drums ..... owww." Catherine mumbled unintelligibly as she sat up beside her lovely fiance.
"Turn them off !" She whined as she smacked the younger woman on the arm, sure that the brunette was behind this all somehow.
"OWWW !" Sara exclaimed offendidly, rubbing her now sore arm. Turning she quickly smacked the older woman back.
"You turn them off !" She shouted, sticking her tongue out to further emphasis just how upset she was with the other woman.
"No!" Catherine shouted back, happily ignoring the pain this caused her head.
"Yes!" Sara demanded, rather feed up with the annoying constant beating and with the obstinate woman beside her.
"No !" Catherine growled lowly, scrunching up her bleary squinting eyes menacingly.
"God Damn it Catherine! If you don't ..." Sara began to rant, before being cut off by a nasty slap.
"What the ...... ?" Sara muttered utterly confused. The slap certainly hadn't come from the ravishing strawberry blonde beside her, so that meant there must be someone else in the room.
"Ohh My God !" Sara muttered, absolutely shocked, as she took in the sight of one smiling Sister Mary Joseph Emmanuel, complete with her very own set of bongo drums.
"Now, now Miss Sidle. It is a sin to use the Lord's name in vain." She tsked the young woman, as she put her drums down and pulled up a chair to the end of the bed.
"What the HELL are you doing in my room ?!" Catherine angrily demanded. "Cause I sure as GOD DAMNED HELL don't remember inviting you !" She added, hoping that she really hadn't invited the old woman over.
"I've brought pamphlets." The nun replied, as though this should explain everything.
"Ohh well that's perfectly alright then." Catherine commented sarcastically.
"Good." Sister Mary Joseph smiled, as she turned the first pamphlet to show them.
"Now I'd like to begin with this one entitled 'In the Beginning God Made Adam and Eve NOT Adam and Steve.' ......"
"Ohhh my god ....." Sara muttered lowly to herself as she fell back against the bed. One certainly did not expect to wake up to this after ones bachelor party!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Then in this next pamphlet we can see all the sorts of horrible afflictions that can effect people in a homosexual relationship. Look there's even pictures!" Sister Mary exclaimed excitedly as she waved the page about infront of the two CSIs.
"Catherine, she's been here for like three hours already, make her leave !" Sara whined pitifully to the other woman.
"Ummm well I could just kiss you .... that seemed to work last night." The strawberry blonde suggested, waggling her eyebrows suggestively at the younger woman, as she leaned invitingly closer to her.
"Ohhh yeah ! You should sooooo try that." Sara happily agreed, as she lifted herself up to meet the other woman, greedily capturing her lips in her own.
"Hmmm. Yes well, here we see a picture of a Mr John Smith of Alaska who developed gangrene of the lower leg, after spending the night with a Mr Andrews." Sister Mary loudly read over the moaning and sighing coming from the bed in front of her.
"Doesn't seem to be working to well." Catherine sniggered as she finally released the younger woman's lips.
"Maybe I should just completely ravish you." She quickly suggested, as she lowered her hands to the brunettes slightly rumbled shirt.
"Mmmm, ohh yeah !" Sara moaned happily, quickly bringing her hands down to help the older woman.
"Hang on a minute !" Sara suddenly exclaimed, leaping away from the other CSI and completely halting her naughty hands.
"Why am I still wearing my shirt ?!" She demanded angrily.
"Well you wouldn't have been if you had let me continue." Catherine grumbled frustratedly.
"No I mean why was I STILL wearing my shirt ?!" The younger woman whined. Lifting up the bed covers she quickly peered from her fully clothed body, to that of her fully clothed fiance.
"Ohh my God ! We've still got all our clothes on !" She exclaimed in utter disbelief.
"okay ....." Catherine muttered, wondering if maybe the brunette was actually completely bonkers after all.
"Damn it Catherine! You promised me I'd get lucky." She yelled at the frowning woman, deciding to smack her once again, to reinforce the injustice of her situation.
"What .... ?! But I ...." Catherine mumbled, rather thrown by the young woman's silly tantrum.
"Look honey, we were clearly very tiered and DRUNK last night, so It was probably for the best. Anyway I am marrying you - so its not like your not ever going to get lucky again. And do I need to remind you that I was trying to ravish you just before." Catherine defended herself.
"But you promised." Sara pouted unhappily.
"So do you have any pamphlets there about GOD DAMNED LIARS ?" She asked the still droning on nun.
"Why yes !" Sister Mary exclaimed, happy that the moaning had stopped and that everybody was paying attention to her once more.
"Now in this pamphlet here we can see that all homosexuals are infact big fat liars." She stated, turning the page to show the young brunette.
"ohh my God....." Catherine muttered lowly to herself as she fell back against the bed. One certainly did not expect to wake up to this after one's bachelor part !
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Sara loudly stomped into her office, annoyed that no one was around to witness her bad mood.
Growling angrily, she headed for her desk, and unhappily threw herself into her chair, only then noticing the single, beautiful, blood red rose layed across her desk.
"Awww" She muttered happily as she picked up the pretty flower and brought it to her nose.
Noticing a small card sitting on her desk, she carefully placed the rose back on her desk and read the note.
"Sara, Please take this flower as a token off my utter and undying love for you. I am sorry that I failed to keep my promise to you last night, but to quote one of the great thinkers of our time, please know that you will always 'Make me horny baby' - Catherine."
"Wow!" Sara scowled as she threw the note back on her desk "She wants a fifty thousand dollar dress, and all I get is one cheap arsed flower !"
"Humph ! Its probably plastic anyway." She grumbled as she leapt up and stalked out the door, wondering if it would be more fun to yell at Greg or at Nick.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Not finding Nick or Greg anywhere, the angry brunette decided to try one last look in the break room, at the very least she could help herself to a nice cup of extremely caffineated coffee.
However upon entering the room, the only thing that she found was her soon to be wife emptying the very last dregs of the coffee pot into her cup.
"No !" Sara exclaimed miserably.
Maybe Sister Mary J. was right. God must really hate her, she decided as she stomped up to her smiling fiance.
"Hey baby." Catherine smiled at her stunningly gorgeous fiance, only to be greeted by a low, pissed off growl.
"Umm so did you get my present ?" Catherine asked, as she carefully took a step back from the younger woman.
"Uh huh." Sara muttered, staring longingly at the older woman's cup.
"So umm am I forgiven then ?" Catherine queried.
"Nope." Sara muttered, wondering if she should just grab the cup from the other woman's grasp.
"What if I promised to make it up to you tonight ?" Catherine whispered seductively into the brunettes ear.
"Umm I ahh ......" Sara mumbled quickly losing her train of thought. Damn but Catherine was good, she thought in annoyance.
"Good" The older woman smirked, as she stepped back and downed the last of her coffee.
"No !" Sara cried, seeing the beautiful liquid vanishing into the other woman's mouth.
Reacting quickly, she grasped the other woman's neck, and pulled her into a smouldering kiss.
"Mmmm" She happily moaned as she tasted the remanets of the coffee on the older woman's lips.
"Ohh baby." Catherine sighed, glad the other woman wasn't angry with her anymore.
Damn but she was good, she thought to happily to herself.
"Now children, here we can see the 'homosexual' in its natural debaucherous state." Sister Mary Joseph Emmanuel informed the sleepy convent children infront of her.
"What the ?!" Sara shouted in utter shock, as she disentangled herself from her caffeine fix.
"Ohh for God's sake !" Catherine exclaimed angrily, when was the elderly woman going to learn to get lost.
"See how the 'homosexual' is a natural blasphemer." She continued. "Now write that down children, it could be in your tests later." She informed them.
"What the HELL are you doing here ?!" Sara demanded, wondering if a court would grant her an AVO on a nun.
"The children and I are on an excursion trip to see the damned in there natural environments." She informed the young woman.
"A School trip ?!" Sara exclaimed in shock.
"But its the middle of the GOD DAMNED night !" She yelled, not quite believing the audacity of the woman.
"Hmm yes, it seems that's the best time to catch such debaucherous people." Sister Mary sagely told the CSI.
"You're a GOD DAMNED loony !" Sara yelled irately as she grabbed her fiance and pulled her out of the room.
"And I'm telling my mom on you - so there !" She added snidely as she pulled them both out of the break room.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"What a looooong night." Sara sighed wearily as she exited Catherine's car and began to walk up the path to her house.
"Awwww poor baby." Catherine sniggered as she quickly opened her door and thrust the complaining woman inside.
"Now I believe I made you a promise I intend to keep." She growled as she pushed the brunette against the wall and greedily captured her lips.
"Mmmm...... Wait where's Lindsay ?" Sara quickly asked, as she pulled herself away from the lustful woman.
"Sleep over." Catherine muttered, once again pinning the young woman to the wall.
"Ohh. Right. Good." Sara nodded.
"Hang on, where ?" She asked, hoping Catherine hadn't meant she was having a sleep over here.
"Chad ?! I don't know !" Catherine exclaimed frustratedly.
"Ahhh ......" Sara began.
"Sara. Shut up !" Catherine growled as she once again pounced on the young woman.
"Mmmm. Okay." Sara sighed happily, as she pulled the older woman harder against her.
"Hello. Excuse me." A third voice interrupted them from the couch.
"What the ...... ?!" Both woman exclaimed, quickly leaping apart to see a somewhat flushed looking Sister Mary waving at them.
"Ohh My God ! Did you give her keys or something ?!" Sara demanded angrily.
"I'm going to kill you, you silly old bat !" Catherine screamed frustratedly as she advanced on the elderly woman.
"Yes. That's another one of the unfortunate side effects of the 'homosexual' - homicidal tendencies." Sister Mary sadly shook her head.
"Actually I'm here to help you both." She told the two glowering CSIs.
"Lady, the only way you can help me is by getting lost !" Catherine growled as she continued her advance on the pompous nun.
"I have a spider." Sister Mary sweetly told them.
"A big hairy tarantula type spider." She continued.
"I believe your looking for one ?" She added.
"But how ...... ?!" Sara spluttered, certain that the old woman couldn't really know everything that had happened.
"I have my connections." The elderly nun smiled, looking heavenward.
"Ohh." Sara muttered disappointedly. Well clearly they were screwed.
"Well umm I've already got another one lined up, so you can just ummm ...." Sara muttered.
"Hmmm yes your San Francisco contact, well I'm afraid he had a little accident." Sister Mary informed them "So I guess you really do need my help after all then, don't you." She smiled sweetly at the shocked women.
"What's the catch." Catherine asked, almost afraid of what the answer would be.
"Ahh yes the catch." Sister Mary smiled even wider.
"In exchange for one extremely rear Mexican Red-Legged Tarantula, all I ask is that you both attend one week of our 'Lets get it STRAIGHT' camp."
" Your what camp ?!" Sara asked bewildered.
"Our camp for reforming homosexuals back into the straight lifestyle."
"?!" Both CSIs exclaimed.
"Your joking right......" Sara spluttered, clearly shocked.
"One week, that is all.Then I will leave you alone for ever." Sister Mary stated.
"And if it doesn't work ?" Catherine questioned.
"Dearie, if it doesn't work then I will run away to Nicaragua and join a post modern belly dancing troop." The nun laughed.
"But ...." Catherine encouraged.
"Fine." Sister Mary sighed. "One week, work or not you still get the spider.
"Great." Catherine clapped her hands, happy to have a way to get rid of the old lady.
"So where do I sign ?!"
TBC ......................