Notes: Duo's POV, and this is a seriously important chapter, people. Plus, this contains a seriously confused Duo, angst, emotional and mental pain, and... sap! I finally got to be sappy! Oh, and there are some brief mentions of yaoi in this, so if you can't handle that then LEAVE, because it will stop being 'brief mentions' and start being 'oh wow that's descriptive' in the next couple of chapters.
Notes2: I wrote this in just under two hours, so please ignore any grammatical or spelling mistakes.
Notes3: This chapter is dedicated to Joy2 and Mara202, for your lovely reviews. You guys are mainly responsible for the speed of this chapter being written, and a large part of the sappiness. Enjoy and review!
I felt warm, sheltered and cherished. I was drifting in a pleasant oblivion, free of worries and pain and memories. I didn't want to wake up.
Of course, as soon as I thought that, I started to wake up. I struggled to remain in that sweet nothingness, but my mind was dragged into consciousness, and I became aware of someone holding me. I knew who it was without opening my eyes, so I kept them closed. It was so very warm...
"Just hold me," someone murmured, and I wondered briefly who it had been. Whoever it was, Heero obeyed and tightened his arms, holding me closely to his body. I snuggled closer still, wanting to bury myself in his peaceful warmth, to lose myself in his safe tenderness. Heero would not hurt me. I knew that now. He would protect me, comfort and support me. He would do all that because he cared.
"What time is it?" I asked in a quiet murmur, my speech slurred slightly. I was beyond tired, beyond exhausted, but I knew that if he were holding me like he was, then I'd had another breakdown, and had probably been asleep for a while.
"Around midnight." His voice was as quiet as mine, but filled with some emotion I couldn't name.
"Oh."
"Are you... alright?"
I had to think about that for a while. I was exhausted, and my head was thumping painfully, and the cuts on my arms were in that awful itchy stage, but... I was thinking coherently, and I wasn't consumed by the urge to cut, so I guess I was okay, all things considered.
"I guess so."
"Are you hungry?"
"Not really."
He sighed, though I felt it more than heard it. "Duo, you should eat something."
"I'm really not hungry, Heero."
He sighed again, but let it go. "Alright. Why don't you go have a shower and I'll make us some coffee?"
A shower sounded glorious, but... "Everyone's asleep. I don't wanna wake them."
"Quatre's watching old movies in the living room, and Wufei and Trowa aren't back from their mission yet."
"What?" I raised my head to look at him for the first time. "The mission was supposed to be a simple search and destroy. They've been gone twelve hours."
"According to Wufei, it should've taken them three hours to get there and three hours back, so it's really only six hours, but you're right, they've been gone too long. Quatre's got his radio with him, but they haven't called. It's probably nothing."
"Hm." I frowned, but then let it go. If it was an emergency, they'd call. I reluctantly left Heero's comforting embrace and stretched. My muscles were all achy and tired, but a shower and a few cups of coffee should fix that.
I looked at Heero then, really looked at him. He was lying comfortably on the bed, easy and relaxed, one arm draped across his stomach, where it had fallen when I removed myself from his arms. His bangs obscured his midnight blue eyes, which were watching me with a kind of lazy intent. He was only wearing a pair of ratty jeans and a loose white tank top, but... he looked gorgeous, breathtaking and devastatingly handsome, like some kind of fallen angel or disgraced God. He looked like someone who looked out on the world and it was beneath him, someone who was superior to them but didn't want to be, because it was lonely where he was. He was a lost soul yearning for a home, for somewhere to belong, but afraid that when, if, he finally found it, he would lose it.
"Something wrong?" he asked quietly, and I blushed when I realised I'd been staring at him.
"No, I was just... thinking." I left before I embarrassed myself further, hiding away in the bathroom. Gods, what was wrong with me? Yeah I thought Heero was good-looking, but I've never noticed him so strongly before and I've NEVER let him see just how gorgeous I thought he was.
Leaning against the door, I took a deep breath and let it out. I had to control myself better than this. Now was really not the time for me to drool over Heero's luscious body. I mean, I hated him, right? He's the bastard that took my blades. He was causing me all this pain.
And yet... I couldn't hate him, not really. I was pissed, yeah, and hurt, but... a part of me, way deep down, buried under the anger and resentment understood that... he was helping me. It hurt now, but it would get better. He was hurting me to help me. I understood that, but my heart, or my head, wouldn't let me believe it.
So, put shortly, I was a mess. I thought he was gorgeous and knew that he was helping me, but he was a bastard for taking away my blades and hurting me, yet by hurting me he was helping me, but he didn't have any right to take my blades away, but...
Okay, this was going nowhere. If I couldn't figure out how I felt about Heero, I'd just ignore it. I was a master of that.
I pulled off my clothes, ignoring the tingle of pain from the deepest cut on my arm. After making sure the door was locked, I stepped into the tub and turned on the water, not evading the burst of icy cold, but letting it beat down on me, chilling me and waking me up. Then the hot water kicked in and I was in heaven. The hot water pounded against my skin, hurting the cuts but massaging everything else.
For a full five minutes, I just stood there, braced against the tile wall, letting the water pour over my aching muscles, surrendering myself to the relaxing heat. How something could be relaxing and stimulating at the same time I didn't know, but this was.
Fifteen minutes later, I emerged out of the bathroom, with a towel around my waist and another around my hair. The cuts on my arms were painfully visible, but Heero had already seen them.
I don't think Heero had moved at all in the time I'd been gone. He was still sprawled on the bed like some dark temptation you knew you would give in to eventually. He eyes tracked my movements as I grabbed clothes from my dresser and sat down on the edge of the bed to towel dry my hair a little bit.
Having him watch me so intently was... odd. It was a sort of tingle along my skin, half uncomfortable and half exciting. Like so many things about Heero, it just totally confused me.
After putting on black boxers, black cargos, and a black long-sleeved tee shirt with a faded grey skull on the front, I picked up my brush and began to do my hair. It was relatively tangle-free, but it still took a little while just for the pure length of it. It was still damp, though not dripping, so I left it unbraided for a few moments.
Swivelling round, I looked at Heero and tried to decide what to say. I still didn't know what to think about him. Part of me wanted to thank him and part of me wanted to curse him. Part of me wanted to nestle in his embrace and part of me wanted to slug him. Part of me wanted to never leave his sight and part of me wanted to hide from him forever.
"I'm so confused," someone whispered, and it took me a second to realise that it was me.
"I'm sorry."
"Tell me..." Tell me what to feel. Tell me how you feel. Tell me everything I want to hear. Tell me soothing lies. Tell me painful truths. Tell me everything. Tell me nothing.
"I'm sorry."
I smiled bitterly. "I know that. I want to forgive you, Heero, and part of me does, but... part of me can't. I can't handle this."
He was silent for a moment, watching me with that casual fierceness, and then seemed to come to a decision. He sat up without using his hands and said, "You braid your hair, I'll make coffee, and we can go watch movies with Quatre. Okay?"
I nodded, more than willing to ignore the whirlwind of confusion inside me. He gave me the barest of smiles and then was gone.
I blinked and touched my unbound hair. I never let anyone see me with my hair down. Ever. But I hadn't thought twice about it five minutes ago. I wanted to pretend it was the throbbing headache I had, or the exhaustion, or the confusion, but... the rest of me was more realistic. I knew that I had done it because I wanted him to see me with my hair down.
"Damn I'm fucked up," I whispered to the empty room, and began braiding my hair, though it was still damp. My toes were cold, so I pulled on a pair of socks before walking downstairs.
Heero immediately handed me a large cup of coffee. He didn't say anything, didn't even look at me all that much, for which I was extremely thankful. I may have accepted that Heero cared for me, but I still didn't know how I felt about him.
Quatre was currently watching something called 'The Matrix'. The special effects were fairly decent, though in their time they were state-of-the-art, and the idea for the movie was pretty cool, and the Trinity babe was hot, though I preferred Switch, and it was just the sort of movie I'd normally love.
But tonight, I just wasn't interested. My eyes kept straying to Heero, drinking in the sight of him as he curled up in the armchair, legs tucked underneath himself, the golden light from the lamp playing over the bare skin of his arms....
I shook my head and tried to force my mind away from Heero. It didn't work too well. I was sort of hypersensitive to him, aware of his every breath, his every move... I could probably have told you his blood pressure.
Gods, I did not need this. I really, really did not.
"Duo, you okay?" Quatre asked, looking at me with a slight frown, and I gave him a smile.
"Yeah, just got a killer headache."
"Want some aspirin?"
"Nah, I'll be fine. It'll fade in a little bit."
"If you're sure." Quatre glanced at the clock and noted with a deeper frown that it was twenty-seven minutes past midnight. "They should be back by now," he murmured, more to himself than either me or Heero.
"They'll be fine," I assured him. "I mean, with Trowa's ammunition, Wufei's flamethrower, and their training, determination and stubbornness, they can handle a simple mission."
"But it shouldn't be taking this long!"
There wasn't much else I could say, so I just shut up and tried to send a telepathic message to Trowa to get his butt back here before he gave Quatre an ulcer.
Heero blinked and raised his head suddenly, apparently listening for something. Then he smiled.
"They're back," he stated. Quatre leapt up and ran to the back door. Heero and I followed at a more stately pace, and arrived to see Trowa walk in, half carrying Wufei. There was blood staining his left arm and side.
"Holy shit, what the fuck happened?" I exclaimed, rushing to take over carrying Wufei, as Trowa was obviously tired.
"Control panel shard hit his shoulder. He needs a medic, and I'm not good enough."
"Quatre, call Sally, tell her to get to the town ASAP, then go and meet her," Heero snapped. "Duo, bring him upstairs."
I nodded, struggling through the kitchen door with Wufei. He was semi-conscious and trying to walk on his own, but only managing to sort of shuffle his feet. He was a few pounds heavier than me, and one inch taller, so going up the stairs was not the easiest thing, but I managed it.
Lying Wufei as gently as I could on the bed, I stripped off his shirt and examined the wound. It was bad, extremely so. The piece of control panel must've been big and it looked as if it had gone right through his shoulder joint. If he still had use of the arm, which was uncertain, he'd have to work with it constantly, and it was gonna hurt like hell for months, not to mention the fact that it'll have to be immobilised, which means he won't be able to go on missions...
"This is bad," I muttered to Heero, grabbing the wet cloth he handed me and beginning to clean the wound. "This is really, really bad."
"Hai."
"How long till Sally gets here, d'ya think?"
"An hour, tops, if she knows what's good for her."
"Plus, Quatre will say it's Wufei who's been hurt, and you know she has a soft spot for him."
"Hn."
"He's gonna be out of commission for weeks."
"Hai."
"And even then it'll have to be light duties."
"Hai."
"So unless OZ decides to lay low for a while, we're gonna be busy."
"Hai."
Okay, I didn't like seeing Wufei hurt, and I wasn't really having a good time thinking about all the possible consequences of this wound, but... it was kinda nice to have my mind occupied by something other than my problems. I know that sounds nuts and kinda... whatever, but there wasn't any room in my head for thoughts other than Wufei at that moment, and that was nice. I couldn't think about the confusion inside me or anything, I had to focus entirely on Wufei. And so did Heero. Which meant that whatever was happening between us was being forgotten briefly. For that, I was thankful.
~*~
Sally arrived with her mission face on and her bag in her hand. She completely ignored us and went straight to Wufei, examining the wound and muttering to herself. As we were Gundam pilots, we didn't have physical files or charts as it was too much of a security risk, so she just kept them in her head. She was the only doctor to ever treat us, and was the only person outside us and the Doctors that we trusted with classified information. This made her very important. Did she care? No. I liked that.
"Alright, I'll need an assistant. Duo, get your ass over here and help me."
Immediately obeying the tone of command in her voice, I stepped to her side and waited for instructions. She'd already cleaned the wound and just needed to stitch it up, and then immobilise it.
"How long's he been out of it?" she asked, getting the suture kit from her bag.
"About seventy minutes."
She nodded and grabbed a hypodermic needle and a small vial. Filling the needle with a clear fluid, she swabbed his arm with alcohol and injected him.
"That should keep him under for about two hours. I'll give him some blood once I've stitched this up. Seeing as how drugs don't really work on you guys, I expect him to fidget, and it's your job to keep him still. If he moves that shoulder at all I will hold you personally responsible. Got it?"
I nodded and put my arms on Wufei's shoulders, above the wound, holding him down gently but firmly. Sally began to stitch him up, swabbing between stitches to keep the wound relatively clear of blood.
As Sally had said, drugs didn't work too well on us, especially when people are doing things to our body, and Wufei began to struggle immediately. I held him down, getting a venomous glare from Sally, and began murmuring to him that he was safe.
When she'd stitched up the front of the wound, Sally had Heero help her roll him over, and began on his back, shaking her head in annoyance at the idiotic lack of self-preservation tendencies of Gundam pilots when she noticed some tearing around the edges, evidence that Wufei had fought on with the wound. Piloting a Gundam is hard, there's lots of force and weight involved, and with this kind of wound...
"Someday I am going to come here and find out that you've tried to pilot your Gundams with one hand ripped off and you'll just say 'oh, it'll be alright'," she muttered, jerking the needle a little roughly. "I swear, if you guys weren't so damned important I would lock you all in a hospital until you learned to take better care of yourselves. It's a wonder you haven't been permanently injured by now. But no, you just fall down fucking cliffs and walk away without a care in the world giving me a heart attack. I thought that maybe Quatre would be more sensible, but no, he has to continue piloting his damned Gundam when his arm's broken in three places! Alright, it's stitched."
Putting away the suture equipment, she swathed his shoulder in bandages and then taped his arm to his chest, making sure it was all secure. She quickly hooked him up to a packet of blood, and then began putting away her stuff. She fixed all four of us with a passionate glare.
"I'm coming back in one week and if I find out that he has removed the bandages, piloted his Gundam, done any strenuous exercises, and not gotten enough sleep, I will personally circumcise each and every one of you WITHOUT anaesthesia. Got it?"
We all nodded seriously, having no doubt that she would carry through on her stretch, and she nodded herself, digging around in her bag.
"Good. I'm leaving him some painkillers, pretty strong ones, and I advise him to use them, though I doubt he will. One a day, no more. Any complications, call me."
Leaving a small bottle of pills on the nightstand, she stood up and looked at us. She sighed and shook her head.
"Dammit, I understand that you guys are Gundam pilots, but you're only kids, alright? Try and take care of yourselves. Especially you," she added to Heero. "I am fed up of Duo calling me and saying that you've just set a broken bone or stitched yourself up and asking if you're gonna be alright. If you absolutely HAVE to get injured, either let Trowa or me treat you. Okay?"
Not waiting for an answer, she stalked out of the bedroom, with Quatre and Trowa following her. Heero looked at me and raised an eyebrow. I blushed, staring at my shoes.
"I... get worried," I mumbled.
"Hm."
"It's just... you don't..." I shook my head, waving my hands to try and brush the conversation away. "Never mind. I want coffee and aspirin. My head STILL hurts!"
I fled downstairs, intent on getting aforementioned coffee and aspirin and curling up on the sofa to watch more old movies. The first part of the plan went well, but when I went into the living room with my lovely cup of coffee, I found Quatre and Trowa already curled up on the sofa, whispering to each other and kissing. Quatre's hand was already under Trowa's shirt.
I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Guys, take it upstairs, yeah? I wanna watch TV."
Quatre blushed, removing his hand from Trowa's shirt, while Trowa just smirked at me.
"Sorry, Duo," Quatre mumbled, standing up and pulling Trowa with him.
"Forgiven." I settled down to watch The Lion King, sipping my coffee and absently noting that cute little baby Simba looked really scared as Rafikki the Baboon held him up. Couldn't blame the little tyke, really.
Just when Mufasa was explaining about the Circle of Life, Heero came and sat on the sofa, and once again, I couldn't really focus on the movie. Dammit, did he know what he was doing to me? Was he playing with me? Was he oblivious?
"You're frowning," Heero muttered suddenly, and I sighed.
"I'm just... thinking."
"Want to share?"
"Not really. I think I'm gonna go upstairs and lie down for a little." Taking my coffee with me, I stood up and walked out, but instead of going into my room, I found myself walking into Heero's. Don't ask me why, I don't know.
Sitting cross-legged in the middle of the bed, with the quilt wrapped around my shoulders and bunched in my lap, I sipped my coffee and tried to think. That was harder than you'd think.
Eventually, I figured out that I was seriously fucked.
Sighing, I let my eyes wander the room, memorising every little smudge and stain on the walls, every little crack and crease in the faded wallpaper.
That was when I noticed something odd in the crack in the corner. All the other cracks were dark and sort of blackish, yet there was something white in this one. Maybe a hidden love note from this place's old owners?
Grinning, I stood up and knelt down by the crack. The crack was small, and it required the use of my lockpicks to grab the object. It wasn't a hidden love note.
I stared in sick fascination at the paper-wrapped razor blade. I'd found them. I had actually found them. I could cut again. Nothing was stopping me now. That thought alone trigged the urge, making my skin burn and crawl, making my hands shake with need.
I desperately pushed up my left sleeve, baring my scared arm. Hastily unwrapping the beautiful blade, I held it in my hand and placed it against my skin. With one quick jerking motion, I cut my arm open, watching the blood well up and trickle down my arm.
I stared at the blood, and a wave of... revulsion overwhelmed me. Oh God, what the fuck was I doing? This wasn't normal, wasn't sane, it was... stupid. It was stupid and wrong and... oh dear God, what was I doing?
With a harsh scream, I hurled the bloodied blade across the room and began to cry, tears splashing onto my cheeks, as I stared at the blood on my arm, the blood that I had shed willingly, even urgently, just to take away the pain inside me.
The door opened and I heard a confused, "Duo?" that was followed by a sickening silence.
"H-H-Help me," I pleaded, raising my eyes to look at him. "Please, Heero, help me."
He fell to his knees and wrapped his arms around me, surrounding me with his warmth and his protection. I sank into his embrace with a deep shudder, clinging to him, unaware and uncaring that I was staining his shirt with blood.
All I could think was... what was wrong with me? And would I get better?
Notes2: I wrote this in just under two hours, so please ignore any grammatical or spelling mistakes.
Notes3: This chapter is dedicated to Joy2 and Mara202, for your lovely reviews. You guys are mainly responsible for the speed of this chapter being written, and a large part of the sappiness. Enjoy and review!
I felt warm, sheltered and cherished. I was drifting in a pleasant oblivion, free of worries and pain and memories. I didn't want to wake up.
Of course, as soon as I thought that, I started to wake up. I struggled to remain in that sweet nothingness, but my mind was dragged into consciousness, and I became aware of someone holding me. I knew who it was without opening my eyes, so I kept them closed. It was so very warm...
"Just hold me," someone murmured, and I wondered briefly who it had been. Whoever it was, Heero obeyed and tightened his arms, holding me closely to his body. I snuggled closer still, wanting to bury myself in his peaceful warmth, to lose myself in his safe tenderness. Heero would not hurt me. I knew that now. He would protect me, comfort and support me. He would do all that because he cared.
"What time is it?" I asked in a quiet murmur, my speech slurred slightly. I was beyond tired, beyond exhausted, but I knew that if he were holding me like he was, then I'd had another breakdown, and had probably been asleep for a while.
"Around midnight." His voice was as quiet as mine, but filled with some emotion I couldn't name.
"Oh."
"Are you... alright?"
I had to think about that for a while. I was exhausted, and my head was thumping painfully, and the cuts on my arms were in that awful itchy stage, but... I was thinking coherently, and I wasn't consumed by the urge to cut, so I guess I was okay, all things considered.
"I guess so."
"Are you hungry?"
"Not really."
He sighed, though I felt it more than heard it. "Duo, you should eat something."
"I'm really not hungry, Heero."
He sighed again, but let it go. "Alright. Why don't you go have a shower and I'll make us some coffee?"
A shower sounded glorious, but... "Everyone's asleep. I don't wanna wake them."
"Quatre's watching old movies in the living room, and Wufei and Trowa aren't back from their mission yet."
"What?" I raised my head to look at him for the first time. "The mission was supposed to be a simple search and destroy. They've been gone twelve hours."
"According to Wufei, it should've taken them three hours to get there and three hours back, so it's really only six hours, but you're right, they've been gone too long. Quatre's got his radio with him, but they haven't called. It's probably nothing."
"Hm." I frowned, but then let it go. If it was an emergency, they'd call. I reluctantly left Heero's comforting embrace and stretched. My muscles were all achy and tired, but a shower and a few cups of coffee should fix that.
I looked at Heero then, really looked at him. He was lying comfortably on the bed, easy and relaxed, one arm draped across his stomach, where it had fallen when I removed myself from his arms. His bangs obscured his midnight blue eyes, which were watching me with a kind of lazy intent. He was only wearing a pair of ratty jeans and a loose white tank top, but... he looked gorgeous, breathtaking and devastatingly handsome, like some kind of fallen angel or disgraced God. He looked like someone who looked out on the world and it was beneath him, someone who was superior to them but didn't want to be, because it was lonely where he was. He was a lost soul yearning for a home, for somewhere to belong, but afraid that when, if, he finally found it, he would lose it.
"Something wrong?" he asked quietly, and I blushed when I realised I'd been staring at him.
"No, I was just... thinking." I left before I embarrassed myself further, hiding away in the bathroom. Gods, what was wrong with me? Yeah I thought Heero was good-looking, but I've never noticed him so strongly before and I've NEVER let him see just how gorgeous I thought he was.
Leaning against the door, I took a deep breath and let it out. I had to control myself better than this. Now was really not the time for me to drool over Heero's luscious body. I mean, I hated him, right? He's the bastard that took my blades. He was causing me all this pain.
And yet... I couldn't hate him, not really. I was pissed, yeah, and hurt, but... a part of me, way deep down, buried under the anger and resentment understood that... he was helping me. It hurt now, but it would get better. He was hurting me to help me. I understood that, but my heart, or my head, wouldn't let me believe it.
So, put shortly, I was a mess. I thought he was gorgeous and knew that he was helping me, but he was a bastard for taking away my blades and hurting me, yet by hurting me he was helping me, but he didn't have any right to take my blades away, but...
Okay, this was going nowhere. If I couldn't figure out how I felt about Heero, I'd just ignore it. I was a master of that.
I pulled off my clothes, ignoring the tingle of pain from the deepest cut on my arm. After making sure the door was locked, I stepped into the tub and turned on the water, not evading the burst of icy cold, but letting it beat down on me, chilling me and waking me up. Then the hot water kicked in and I was in heaven. The hot water pounded against my skin, hurting the cuts but massaging everything else.
For a full five minutes, I just stood there, braced against the tile wall, letting the water pour over my aching muscles, surrendering myself to the relaxing heat. How something could be relaxing and stimulating at the same time I didn't know, but this was.
Fifteen minutes later, I emerged out of the bathroom, with a towel around my waist and another around my hair. The cuts on my arms were painfully visible, but Heero had already seen them.
I don't think Heero had moved at all in the time I'd been gone. He was still sprawled on the bed like some dark temptation you knew you would give in to eventually. He eyes tracked my movements as I grabbed clothes from my dresser and sat down on the edge of the bed to towel dry my hair a little bit.
Having him watch me so intently was... odd. It was a sort of tingle along my skin, half uncomfortable and half exciting. Like so many things about Heero, it just totally confused me.
After putting on black boxers, black cargos, and a black long-sleeved tee shirt with a faded grey skull on the front, I picked up my brush and began to do my hair. It was relatively tangle-free, but it still took a little while just for the pure length of it. It was still damp, though not dripping, so I left it unbraided for a few moments.
Swivelling round, I looked at Heero and tried to decide what to say. I still didn't know what to think about him. Part of me wanted to thank him and part of me wanted to curse him. Part of me wanted to nestle in his embrace and part of me wanted to slug him. Part of me wanted to never leave his sight and part of me wanted to hide from him forever.
"I'm so confused," someone whispered, and it took me a second to realise that it was me.
"I'm sorry."
"Tell me..." Tell me what to feel. Tell me how you feel. Tell me everything I want to hear. Tell me soothing lies. Tell me painful truths. Tell me everything. Tell me nothing.
"I'm sorry."
I smiled bitterly. "I know that. I want to forgive you, Heero, and part of me does, but... part of me can't. I can't handle this."
He was silent for a moment, watching me with that casual fierceness, and then seemed to come to a decision. He sat up without using his hands and said, "You braid your hair, I'll make coffee, and we can go watch movies with Quatre. Okay?"
I nodded, more than willing to ignore the whirlwind of confusion inside me. He gave me the barest of smiles and then was gone.
I blinked and touched my unbound hair. I never let anyone see me with my hair down. Ever. But I hadn't thought twice about it five minutes ago. I wanted to pretend it was the throbbing headache I had, or the exhaustion, or the confusion, but... the rest of me was more realistic. I knew that I had done it because I wanted him to see me with my hair down.
"Damn I'm fucked up," I whispered to the empty room, and began braiding my hair, though it was still damp. My toes were cold, so I pulled on a pair of socks before walking downstairs.
Heero immediately handed me a large cup of coffee. He didn't say anything, didn't even look at me all that much, for which I was extremely thankful. I may have accepted that Heero cared for me, but I still didn't know how I felt about him.
Quatre was currently watching something called 'The Matrix'. The special effects were fairly decent, though in their time they were state-of-the-art, and the idea for the movie was pretty cool, and the Trinity babe was hot, though I preferred Switch, and it was just the sort of movie I'd normally love.
But tonight, I just wasn't interested. My eyes kept straying to Heero, drinking in the sight of him as he curled up in the armchair, legs tucked underneath himself, the golden light from the lamp playing over the bare skin of his arms....
I shook my head and tried to force my mind away from Heero. It didn't work too well. I was sort of hypersensitive to him, aware of his every breath, his every move... I could probably have told you his blood pressure.
Gods, I did not need this. I really, really did not.
"Duo, you okay?" Quatre asked, looking at me with a slight frown, and I gave him a smile.
"Yeah, just got a killer headache."
"Want some aspirin?"
"Nah, I'll be fine. It'll fade in a little bit."
"If you're sure." Quatre glanced at the clock and noted with a deeper frown that it was twenty-seven minutes past midnight. "They should be back by now," he murmured, more to himself than either me or Heero.
"They'll be fine," I assured him. "I mean, with Trowa's ammunition, Wufei's flamethrower, and their training, determination and stubbornness, they can handle a simple mission."
"But it shouldn't be taking this long!"
There wasn't much else I could say, so I just shut up and tried to send a telepathic message to Trowa to get his butt back here before he gave Quatre an ulcer.
Heero blinked and raised his head suddenly, apparently listening for something. Then he smiled.
"They're back," he stated. Quatre leapt up and ran to the back door. Heero and I followed at a more stately pace, and arrived to see Trowa walk in, half carrying Wufei. There was blood staining his left arm and side.
"Holy shit, what the fuck happened?" I exclaimed, rushing to take over carrying Wufei, as Trowa was obviously tired.
"Control panel shard hit his shoulder. He needs a medic, and I'm not good enough."
"Quatre, call Sally, tell her to get to the town ASAP, then go and meet her," Heero snapped. "Duo, bring him upstairs."
I nodded, struggling through the kitchen door with Wufei. He was semi-conscious and trying to walk on his own, but only managing to sort of shuffle his feet. He was a few pounds heavier than me, and one inch taller, so going up the stairs was not the easiest thing, but I managed it.
Lying Wufei as gently as I could on the bed, I stripped off his shirt and examined the wound. It was bad, extremely so. The piece of control panel must've been big and it looked as if it had gone right through his shoulder joint. If he still had use of the arm, which was uncertain, he'd have to work with it constantly, and it was gonna hurt like hell for months, not to mention the fact that it'll have to be immobilised, which means he won't be able to go on missions...
"This is bad," I muttered to Heero, grabbing the wet cloth he handed me and beginning to clean the wound. "This is really, really bad."
"Hai."
"How long till Sally gets here, d'ya think?"
"An hour, tops, if she knows what's good for her."
"Plus, Quatre will say it's Wufei who's been hurt, and you know she has a soft spot for him."
"Hn."
"He's gonna be out of commission for weeks."
"Hai."
"And even then it'll have to be light duties."
"Hai."
"So unless OZ decides to lay low for a while, we're gonna be busy."
"Hai."
Okay, I didn't like seeing Wufei hurt, and I wasn't really having a good time thinking about all the possible consequences of this wound, but... it was kinda nice to have my mind occupied by something other than my problems. I know that sounds nuts and kinda... whatever, but there wasn't any room in my head for thoughts other than Wufei at that moment, and that was nice. I couldn't think about the confusion inside me or anything, I had to focus entirely on Wufei. And so did Heero. Which meant that whatever was happening between us was being forgotten briefly. For that, I was thankful.
~*~
Sally arrived with her mission face on and her bag in her hand. She completely ignored us and went straight to Wufei, examining the wound and muttering to herself. As we were Gundam pilots, we didn't have physical files or charts as it was too much of a security risk, so she just kept them in her head. She was the only doctor to ever treat us, and was the only person outside us and the Doctors that we trusted with classified information. This made her very important. Did she care? No. I liked that.
"Alright, I'll need an assistant. Duo, get your ass over here and help me."
Immediately obeying the tone of command in her voice, I stepped to her side and waited for instructions. She'd already cleaned the wound and just needed to stitch it up, and then immobilise it.
"How long's he been out of it?" she asked, getting the suture kit from her bag.
"About seventy minutes."
She nodded and grabbed a hypodermic needle and a small vial. Filling the needle with a clear fluid, she swabbed his arm with alcohol and injected him.
"That should keep him under for about two hours. I'll give him some blood once I've stitched this up. Seeing as how drugs don't really work on you guys, I expect him to fidget, and it's your job to keep him still. If he moves that shoulder at all I will hold you personally responsible. Got it?"
I nodded and put my arms on Wufei's shoulders, above the wound, holding him down gently but firmly. Sally began to stitch him up, swabbing between stitches to keep the wound relatively clear of blood.
As Sally had said, drugs didn't work too well on us, especially when people are doing things to our body, and Wufei began to struggle immediately. I held him down, getting a venomous glare from Sally, and began murmuring to him that he was safe.
When she'd stitched up the front of the wound, Sally had Heero help her roll him over, and began on his back, shaking her head in annoyance at the idiotic lack of self-preservation tendencies of Gundam pilots when she noticed some tearing around the edges, evidence that Wufei had fought on with the wound. Piloting a Gundam is hard, there's lots of force and weight involved, and with this kind of wound...
"Someday I am going to come here and find out that you've tried to pilot your Gundams with one hand ripped off and you'll just say 'oh, it'll be alright'," she muttered, jerking the needle a little roughly. "I swear, if you guys weren't so damned important I would lock you all in a hospital until you learned to take better care of yourselves. It's a wonder you haven't been permanently injured by now. But no, you just fall down fucking cliffs and walk away without a care in the world giving me a heart attack. I thought that maybe Quatre would be more sensible, but no, he has to continue piloting his damned Gundam when his arm's broken in three places! Alright, it's stitched."
Putting away the suture equipment, she swathed his shoulder in bandages and then taped his arm to his chest, making sure it was all secure. She quickly hooked him up to a packet of blood, and then began putting away her stuff. She fixed all four of us with a passionate glare.
"I'm coming back in one week and if I find out that he has removed the bandages, piloted his Gundam, done any strenuous exercises, and not gotten enough sleep, I will personally circumcise each and every one of you WITHOUT anaesthesia. Got it?"
We all nodded seriously, having no doubt that she would carry through on her stretch, and she nodded herself, digging around in her bag.
"Good. I'm leaving him some painkillers, pretty strong ones, and I advise him to use them, though I doubt he will. One a day, no more. Any complications, call me."
Leaving a small bottle of pills on the nightstand, she stood up and looked at us. She sighed and shook her head.
"Dammit, I understand that you guys are Gundam pilots, but you're only kids, alright? Try and take care of yourselves. Especially you," she added to Heero. "I am fed up of Duo calling me and saying that you've just set a broken bone or stitched yourself up and asking if you're gonna be alright. If you absolutely HAVE to get injured, either let Trowa or me treat you. Okay?"
Not waiting for an answer, she stalked out of the bedroom, with Quatre and Trowa following her. Heero looked at me and raised an eyebrow. I blushed, staring at my shoes.
"I... get worried," I mumbled.
"Hm."
"It's just... you don't..." I shook my head, waving my hands to try and brush the conversation away. "Never mind. I want coffee and aspirin. My head STILL hurts!"
I fled downstairs, intent on getting aforementioned coffee and aspirin and curling up on the sofa to watch more old movies. The first part of the plan went well, but when I went into the living room with my lovely cup of coffee, I found Quatre and Trowa already curled up on the sofa, whispering to each other and kissing. Quatre's hand was already under Trowa's shirt.
I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Guys, take it upstairs, yeah? I wanna watch TV."
Quatre blushed, removing his hand from Trowa's shirt, while Trowa just smirked at me.
"Sorry, Duo," Quatre mumbled, standing up and pulling Trowa with him.
"Forgiven." I settled down to watch The Lion King, sipping my coffee and absently noting that cute little baby Simba looked really scared as Rafikki the Baboon held him up. Couldn't blame the little tyke, really.
Just when Mufasa was explaining about the Circle of Life, Heero came and sat on the sofa, and once again, I couldn't really focus on the movie. Dammit, did he know what he was doing to me? Was he playing with me? Was he oblivious?
"You're frowning," Heero muttered suddenly, and I sighed.
"I'm just... thinking."
"Want to share?"
"Not really. I think I'm gonna go upstairs and lie down for a little." Taking my coffee with me, I stood up and walked out, but instead of going into my room, I found myself walking into Heero's. Don't ask me why, I don't know.
Sitting cross-legged in the middle of the bed, with the quilt wrapped around my shoulders and bunched in my lap, I sipped my coffee and tried to think. That was harder than you'd think.
Eventually, I figured out that I was seriously fucked.
Sighing, I let my eyes wander the room, memorising every little smudge and stain on the walls, every little crack and crease in the faded wallpaper.
That was when I noticed something odd in the crack in the corner. All the other cracks were dark and sort of blackish, yet there was something white in this one. Maybe a hidden love note from this place's old owners?
Grinning, I stood up and knelt down by the crack. The crack was small, and it required the use of my lockpicks to grab the object. It wasn't a hidden love note.
I stared in sick fascination at the paper-wrapped razor blade. I'd found them. I had actually found them. I could cut again. Nothing was stopping me now. That thought alone trigged the urge, making my skin burn and crawl, making my hands shake with need.
I desperately pushed up my left sleeve, baring my scared arm. Hastily unwrapping the beautiful blade, I held it in my hand and placed it against my skin. With one quick jerking motion, I cut my arm open, watching the blood well up and trickle down my arm.
I stared at the blood, and a wave of... revulsion overwhelmed me. Oh God, what the fuck was I doing? This wasn't normal, wasn't sane, it was... stupid. It was stupid and wrong and... oh dear God, what was I doing?
With a harsh scream, I hurled the bloodied blade across the room and began to cry, tears splashing onto my cheeks, as I stared at the blood on my arm, the blood that I had shed willingly, even urgently, just to take away the pain inside me.
The door opened and I heard a confused, "Duo?" that was followed by a sickening silence.
"H-H-Help me," I pleaded, raising my eyes to look at him. "Please, Heero, help me."
He fell to his knees and wrapped his arms around me, surrounding me with his warmth and his protection. I sank into his embrace with a deep shudder, clinging to him, unaware and uncaring that I was staining his shirt with blood.
All I could think was... what was wrong with me? And would I get better?