Notes: Heero POV. I should have said this sooner, but I have a memory like a sieve, so please forgive me. Anyway, what I wanted to say was thank you to everyone who has reviewed. It makes me so happy to know that you like this story, and your support means even more, as this story is very close to my heart.
Okay, so I know that Heero was with Odin when he was a kid and was later picked up by J but that didn't suit my purposes so I fiddled with his history a bit, and for the sake of this story, Heero has been with J since he was four or so and Odin never existed. Oh, and feel free to yell at me for the cliffhanger. Enjoy and review!
Solo. How had I not known about this feral boy who had been so very important to Duo? All my research, all my digging, and I had failed to learn about the young street rat who had trained and protected my Duo.
Trained. I used to equate that word with drills and lessons, memorising facts dates from computer files, running obstacle courses and forcing my body to be faster, stronger, better. It had been hard, and painful, but it had been relatively safe. I acquired some minor injuries, and after the surgeries to improve my resistance and strength I was considerably weakened, but I was never in serious danger.
Duo hadn't been so lucky. His training had been a constant life-or-death battle. Failure meant pain, even death. He learned to pick pockets and beg and steal and run faster than the bad guys, or he was hurt.
But I had never known that, had I? Never realised just how dangerous his childhood had really been. I had known his skills and abilities, knew that he must have used them to survive on the streets of L2, but I had never thought about what happened if he hadn't been so good. I had never thought about what happened when he made a mistake.
I'd been a fool. I'd thought I knew everything about Duo, but I had known nothing. Oh, sure, I knew about the plague and the Maxwell Church Tragedy, but all I knew was the facts; I hadn't known how deeply those harrowing events had scarred Duo.
"He died in my arms, shivering and sweating and coughing up blood."
I can't even being to imagine how terrifying that must have been to have someone you regarded as a brother die in your arms, covered in blood and dirty, trying to comfort you with his last breath. Duo had only been seven at the time, still retaining that spark of youthful innocence that had been lost long ago. He had still been a child, in every sense of the word. He shouldn't have had to experience that kind of horror.
And it hadn't ended there, had it? No, barely a year later he had experienced yet another loss as the Maxwell Church was burned to the ground. Had he seen the people there die before his eyes? Had he witnessed yet more death and destruction? I knew he was the only survivor, but I don't know how he had survived. I knew that I would find out and I had a sneaking suspicion that I wouldn't like it.
I sighed and turned off the shower, stepping out of the bathtub, and grabbing a towel. I tried very hard not to think as I dried myself off, and I succeeded. Mostly. I kept seeing Duo as he huddled on the bed, his shoulders shaking his voice trembling. He had looked so young, so vulnerable, and it made my heart ache.
I shook my head and wrapped the towel around my waist, picking up my clothes from the floor and my gun from the closed lid of the toilet. I had my hand on the doorknob when someone knocked quietly on the door. I jumped slightly and opened the door to find that it was Duo. I frowned, noting how tense he looked.
"I something wrong?" I asked, and he flinched, eyes staring intently at my ankles.
"Ca-can we talk?" he mumbled, his voice cracking slightly, and I nodded. He turned and walked into my room without another word. My frown deepened as I followed him. This did not look good.
He was sitting on my bed, legs crossed and staring at his hands as they played with the end of his braid. He glanced at me but looked away quickly, and I suddenly realised that I was only wearing a towel. I fought a blush and pulled a clean tee shirt out of my dresser. Some clean boxers and a pair of faded jeans followed and Duo finally looked at me.
I had to wonder about this shyness of his. He had never cared about semi-nudity before, either his or someone else's. He would occasionally make a few remarks or jokes, but he never blushed and looked away, never regarded it as something to warrant embarrassment. I couldn't understand why he would suddenly be so shy.
"You wanted to talk to me?" I prompted quietly, and he sighed.
He went back to studying his hands, examining his fingernails and pressing his fingertips together. "I... I've got to... I mean, I.... Shit, this is so hard! I've got to... Godammit, Heero, why did you have to do this to me?"
I blinked at the sudden outburst, unsure of what I had done and why he was so angry. He growled and stood up, pacing the room and practically wringing his hands, anger and frustration and fear making his body tight with tension. I'd never seen him so tense, not even during a mission gone bad, or even during our talk. He's always maintained this calm tranquillity masked by youthful exuberance. Okay, lately the 'youthful exuberance' had been replaced by a weak grin and some artful evasions, but the point was, he never showed just how scared he was. Ever.
"You just had to mess with my head, didn't you?" he shouted, not looking at me. "Had to break down my defences and leave me as weak as a fucking kitten! You just couldn't leave me alone to deal with things my way, could you? God, you have fucked me up! Dammit, just the thought of-of-arrgh!"
He collapsed on the bed and buried his face in his hands. His shoulders were shaking and I suspected that he was fighting tears. What was going on with him? Why was he so angry? So scared?
"I've been sent away," he mumbled, and I stared at him, not understanding. "G's sent me to Europe, indefinitely. I'm to have no contact with you."
I was speechless for a second, my brain refusing to acknowledge what he had just said. The little voice in the back of my head, the one I was really starting to hate, laughingly pointed out that this was bound to happen sooner or later. I ignored him, focusing on the immediate problem. One question loomed in my mind, and I struggled to speak around the lump in my throat.
"But-why?"
"He found out about... things. He doesn't like it. Not the actual problem, what does he care if I slice my own arms?" I almost winced at the bitter harshness in his voice, it made him sound so much older. But then, he wasn't really a normal fifteen year old was he? He had seen things, done things, that fully grown men had never even contemplated. It had made him more than a little cynical, I suppose.
"So why send you away?" I asked, reminding myself to focus. I dared to reach out and touch his shoulder. When he didn't reject the touch, I began a light massage, feeling how tense he was.
"Because of you, because of what you're doing to me. He knows how weak you're making me, and he doesn't like it. I can't fight right now, Heero, at least not without getting a little fucked up, and he knows that. So, he's sending me to Europe, halfway across the fucking globe, so that I can keep fighting."
"But... you're hurting yourself!" It was a stupid protest, and I knew it, but I just couldn't understand how G could ignore Duo's behaviour. Even J, with his cold practicality, wouldn't let me cut myself. Why was G overlooking Duo's self-harm? He was a doctor, he had to know that eventually Duo would turn suicidal.
Duo seemed to read my mind, because he answered my questions in a soft, resigned voice. "He doesn't care, Heero, he never has and he never will. I'm just a tool to him, a weapon, a pilot for his precious Gundam. If I can't fight, I might as well be dead."
I was silent for a moment, trying to think about the situation logically, not emotionally. My heart screamed at me to just ignore everything else and to keep Duo here, where I could help him, but my head told me to obey the orders and let Duo go.
Who was I to ignore someone's orders?
I was a friend, a caring, loving friend.
I was a soldier, a cold, emotionless soldier.
Duo needed me.
Duo needed to continue fighting.
I had to help him.
I had to accept that I didn't control his life.
"I've never ignored G before, Heero," Duo said quietly, and I sighed, my head hurting from the confusing battle of emotions and thoughts.
"I know."
"But right now, you're more important than him. It's up to you: do I go or do I stay?"
Okay, so I know that Heero was with Odin when he was a kid and was later picked up by J but that didn't suit my purposes so I fiddled with his history a bit, and for the sake of this story, Heero has been with J since he was four or so and Odin never existed. Oh, and feel free to yell at me for the cliffhanger. Enjoy and review!
Solo. How had I not known about this feral boy who had been so very important to Duo? All my research, all my digging, and I had failed to learn about the young street rat who had trained and protected my Duo.
Trained. I used to equate that word with drills and lessons, memorising facts dates from computer files, running obstacle courses and forcing my body to be faster, stronger, better. It had been hard, and painful, but it had been relatively safe. I acquired some minor injuries, and after the surgeries to improve my resistance and strength I was considerably weakened, but I was never in serious danger.
Duo hadn't been so lucky. His training had been a constant life-or-death battle. Failure meant pain, even death. He learned to pick pockets and beg and steal and run faster than the bad guys, or he was hurt.
But I had never known that, had I? Never realised just how dangerous his childhood had really been. I had known his skills and abilities, knew that he must have used them to survive on the streets of L2, but I had never thought about what happened if he hadn't been so good. I had never thought about what happened when he made a mistake.
I'd been a fool. I'd thought I knew everything about Duo, but I had known nothing. Oh, sure, I knew about the plague and the Maxwell Church Tragedy, but all I knew was the facts; I hadn't known how deeply those harrowing events had scarred Duo.
"He died in my arms, shivering and sweating and coughing up blood."
I can't even being to imagine how terrifying that must have been to have someone you regarded as a brother die in your arms, covered in blood and dirty, trying to comfort you with his last breath. Duo had only been seven at the time, still retaining that spark of youthful innocence that had been lost long ago. He had still been a child, in every sense of the word. He shouldn't have had to experience that kind of horror.
And it hadn't ended there, had it? No, barely a year later he had experienced yet another loss as the Maxwell Church was burned to the ground. Had he seen the people there die before his eyes? Had he witnessed yet more death and destruction? I knew he was the only survivor, but I don't know how he had survived. I knew that I would find out and I had a sneaking suspicion that I wouldn't like it.
I sighed and turned off the shower, stepping out of the bathtub, and grabbing a towel. I tried very hard not to think as I dried myself off, and I succeeded. Mostly. I kept seeing Duo as he huddled on the bed, his shoulders shaking his voice trembling. He had looked so young, so vulnerable, and it made my heart ache.
I shook my head and wrapped the towel around my waist, picking up my clothes from the floor and my gun from the closed lid of the toilet. I had my hand on the doorknob when someone knocked quietly on the door. I jumped slightly and opened the door to find that it was Duo. I frowned, noting how tense he looked.
"I something wrong?" I asked, and he flinched, eyes staring intently at my ankles.
"Ca-can we talk?" he mumbled, his voice cracking slightly, and I nodded. He turned and walked into my room without another word. My frown deepened as I followed him. This did not look good.
He was sitting on my bed, legs crossed and staring at his hands as they played with the end of his braid. He glanced at me but looked away quickly, and I suddenly realised that I was only wearing a towel. I fought a blush and pulled a clean tee shirt out of my dresser. Some clean boxers and a pair of faded jeans followed and Duo finally looked at me.
I had to wonder about this shyness of his. He had never cared about semi-nudity before, either his or someone else's. He would occasionally make a few remarks or jokes, but he never blushed and looked away, never regarded it as something to warrant embarrassment. I couldn't understand why he would suddenly be so shy.
"You wanted to talk to me?" I prompted quietly, and he sighed.
He went back to studying his hands, examining his fingernails and pressing his fingertips together. "I... I've got to... I mean, I.... Shit, this is so hard! I've got to... Godammit, Heero, why did you have to do this to me?"
I blinked at the sudden outburst, unsure of what I had done and why he was so angry. He growled and stood up, pacing the room and practically wringing his hands, anger and frustration and fear making his body tight with tension. I'd never seen him so tense, not even during a mission gone bad, or even during our talk. He's always maintained this calm tranquillity masked by youthful exuberance. Okay, lately the 'youthful exuberance' had been replaced by a weak grin and some artful evasions, but the point was, he never showed just how scared he was. Ever.
"You just had to mess with my head, didn't you?" he shouted, not looking at me. "Had to break down my defences and leave me as weak as a fucking kitten! You just couldn't leave me alone to deal with things my way, could you? God, you have fucked me up! Dammit, just the thought of-of-arrgh!"
He collapsed on the bed and buried his face in his hands. His shoulders were shaking and I suspected that he was fighting tears. What was going on with him? Why was he so angry? So scared?
"I've been sent away," he mumbled, and I stared at him, not understanding. "G's sent me to Europe, indefinitely. I'm to have no contact with you."
I was speechless for a second, my brain refusing to acknowledge what he had just said. The little voice in the back of my head, the one I was really starting to hate, laughingly pointed out that this was bound to happen sooner or later. I ignored him, focusing on the immediate problem. One question loomed in my mind, and I struggled to speak around the lump in my throat.
"But-why?"
"He found out about... things. He doesn't like it. Not the actual problem, what does he care if I slice my own arms?" I almost winced at the bitter harshness in his voice, it made him sound so much older. But then, he wasn't really a normal fifteen year old was he? He had seen things, done things, that fully grown men had never even contemplated. It had made him more than a little cynical, I suppose.
"So why send you away?" I asked, reminding myself to focus. I dared to reach out and touch his shoulder. When he didn't reject the touch, I began a light massage, feeling how tense he was.
"Because of you, because of what you're doing to me. He knows how weak you're making me, and he doesn't like it. I can't fight right now, Heero, at least not without getting a little fucked up, and he knows that. So, he's sending me to Europe, halfway across the fucking globe, so that I can keep fighting."
"But... you're hurting yourself!" It was a stupid protest, and I knew it, but I just couldn't understand how G could ignore Duo's behaviour. Even J, with his cold practicality, wouldn't let me cut myself. Why was G overlooking Duo's self-harm? He was a doctor, he had to know that eventually Duo would turn suicidal.
Duo seemed to read my mind, because he answered my questions in a soft, resigned voice. "He doesn't care, Heero, he never has and he never will. I'm just a tool to him, a weapon, a pilot for his precious Gundam. If I can't fight, I might as well be dead."
I was silent for a moment, trying to think about the situation logically, not emotionally. My heart screamed at me to just ignore everything else and to keep Duo here, where I could help him, but my head told me to obey the orders and let Duo go.
Who was I to ignore someone's orders?
I was a friend, a caring, loving friend.
I was a soldier, a cold, emotionless soldier.
Duo needed me.
Duo needed to continue fighting.
I had to help him.
I had to accept that I didn't control his life.
"I've never ignored G before, Heero," Duo said quietly, and I sighed, my head hurting from the confusing battle of emotions and thoughts.
"I know."
"But right now, you're more important than him. It's up to you: do I go or do I stay?"