Notes: Duo POV. Warning: angsty introspection ahead, but then what else would I put in this fic?
This chapter is dedicated to silvershard for your thoughtful review. I'm glad you can identify with Duo, as I'm putting a lot of myself into him, and I'm also glad that you read this instead of doing something stupid. Enjoy and review!
The stars were bright, glittering above me like diamonds. Thin clouds partially hide the moon from my sight, wrapping the shining white orb in tendrils of grey. I stared up at the night sky and thought one very specific thought: What was Heero doing?
Then again, that wasn't much of a momentous thing to note because I always thought about Heero, ever since I had climbed into Deathscythe, Heero was all I could think of.
How could I do this without him? He was the one thing holding me together. How could I possibly hope to survive without his help? It used to be that all I needed was my blades to survive. If I could cut, I was alright. But now… now cutting wasn't an option. Oh, sure I still got the urge to cut, faint and niggling in the back of my mind, but I just couldn't do it. The thought of cutting was a very bittersweet thing now. My body wanted it, needed it, craved it, but my mind was disgusted and revolted by the very idea. I looked at my scars and thought of what a weak, pathetic little creature I was and how disappointed I'd make Heero if I cut. So the one thing that might let me survive was the one thing I couldn't do. Ironic, huh?
I shook my head and climbed down from where I'd been perched on Deathscythe's shoulder, heaving my backpack onto my own shoulder. I made my way slowly out of the forest and found the path that led into the town, staring at my feet as they walked and trying very hard not to think. It didn't work.
There were no Gundams or Gundam pilots in Europe, just a bunch of other soldiers like Sally. They were good, but I was better. If I thought logically, I'd probably be kept very busy. America was more occupied by OZ than Europe, but they were still here, and I could think of several bases just off the top of my head that would be very hard to infiltrate if information was needed. So, yeah, logic stated that I would have a lot of missions. Which meant a lot of killing. Which meant I'd be left wanting to cut. Which I couldn't do. This was just fucking great.
I had been given free reign to choose my hiding place, so I'd decided to enrol at a quaint little boarding school. Yeah, I know, I've done it before, and that, I think, was why I chose to do it this time. The last time I'd gone to school, I'd been with Heero.
Maybe it was a little masochistic of me to go to a place that I knew would remind me of him, but… who gives a fuck? Besides, it might help to be surrounded by normal kids who had normal lives and who thought I was a normal kid with a normal life.
As long as I didn't think about the fact that I might have to kill any one of them at any given moment, it was golden.
But enough of those thoughts for the moment, I needed a motel or something, I couldn't really go check into school in the middle of the night, especially seeing as I hadn't set up an identity yet.
There were some perks to growing up on the streets of L2, and one of them was that I didn't bat an eyelid at the crummy motel room I was given. The peeling wallpaper was a sickening shade of green, the bed looked like it had been attacked by wolves, the desk was a cheap, rickety thing that looked as if it would fall apart if I put so much as one sheet of paper on it, and the bathroom… well, I won't describe the bathroom in detail but let's just say it was small, smelly, and had many… interesting stains on the walls.
I studied the bed for a minute before deciding I did not want to get covered with dozens of bug bites and sitting down on the floor. I booted up my laptop and set about creating a new identity. I didn't have to do much, create some transfer papers and some false school records for a few months back, and make up some nice contact information for a family that didn't exist. That part was the most painful, and my masochistic streak showed again as I named my mother Helen.
By the time I finished creating a nice electronic paper trail for one 'Duo Matthews' I had nearly managed to put Heero out of my mind. But of course, as soon as I had run out of things do to, I couldn't help but think about him.
I don't know whether to hate him or not, for sending me away. I mean, I knew he was the Perfect Soldier and that any orders were practically sacred and I knew that it had been a hard decision for him to make, but… I still didn't understand how he could send me away. Did he really think I'd survive? Did he believe I didn't need him? If he did, he was a complete idiot, and if there's one thing he's not, it's an idiot. So, logic stated that he knew I wouldn't survive and… didn't care.
God, but it hurt to think that. I knew he cared, he'd said he loved me and I believed him, but he still sent me away to Europe where it was cold and Heero-less. Christ, he must know that the first mission I get is going to leave me wanting to cut. He's seen how edgy, how raw I am at the moment.
I shook my head and looked at the bed. It was after midnight and I had school to attend in the morning. I should sleep, if only for a few hours. Of course, it's getting hard to remember the last time I slept alone. I was mildly shocked to realise that I had grown accustomed to sleeping in Heero's arms. But Heero's arms were in America, with Heero himself. I was on my own. Just like always.
Sighing, I stripped down to my boxers and after examining the bed thoroughly, fished out a blanket from my backpack and spread it over the ratty covers, lying down on top of it and attempting to fall asleep.
After five minutes, I got up and pulled on a pair of jeans and my thickest sweater, hoping to try and dispel a bit of the coldness. It didn't work. I always felt so warm in Heero's arms, like I'd just stepped out of a really hot shower and was cooling down enough to be pleasantly warm. I missed that. And I missed the way he'd stroke my back and play with my braid. And I missed the way he'd smile at me, a soft, tender little smile that only I got to see. And I missed the way he'd cradle me against his body, letting me feel the strength in his body. And I missed the way he'd whisper that it would be alright, that I would get better, that he'd always be there to help me.
Ouch.
Guess I shouldn't have thought about that last one.
He hadn't known he was lying, I knew he'd never lie to me intentionally, but… it had been a lie. I needed him, right now, needed him to hold me and make me believe things were alright, and he wasn't here. He wasn't even in the same damn continent. No, he was over in America, probably sleeping or preparing for a mission or something, not thinking about me and not known how much I fucking need him.
Gods, I hated that I needed him so much. I was a street rat and a Gundam pilot, I wasn't supposed to depend on anyone, but… I did. I couldn't survive without Heero and I knew it and it sickened me.
Heero wouldn't always be there, even if we were still staying together, he'd have to leave on missions for hours, days, weeks, and so would I, and he'd have contacts to meet and supplies to buy… it was impossible to think that he would always be by my side, and I wasn't asking for that. I was just asking for… for a little while.
Couldn't I have just a little while with Heero? Just enough to make me better? Didn't I deserve that?
Guess not.