Notes: Heero POV, and this is incredibly short, but I actually like it, which says a lot if you know how critical of my work I am. Enjoy and review!
I shouldn't have let him go. I shouldn't have listened to all my training. I shouldn't have been such a fucking idiot! What was I thinking, letting him go off to Europe! Just because he got the fucking orders didn't mean we had to listen to them! Dammit, he was willing to stay, he made it my decision!
A high-pitched beeping made me sit up and glare at my laptop. I did not want a fucking mission right now, I want to brood, thank you very much. Unfortunately, my stupid sense of duty made me get up and answer the message. It wasn't a mission.
01,
While I am pleased that you have found friends and people you can trust, you must remember that THE WAR COMES FIRST. You are to never refuse a mission, especially not for personal reasons. It was completely irresponsible of you to hand the mission over to Pilot 03. I thought I had trained you better than that, and if you show any more signs of such great weakness, I will have to call you back for retraining. Though, I suppose the risks of that are diminished now that 02 has been sent away. If you even think of going after him or asking him to come to you, I will retrain you instantly and make sure that any such weaknesses are beaten out of you.
I glared at the message, my hands clenched into fists. That bastard, he will never lay his hands on me again! My love for Duo is not a weakness and I'll be damned if he'll take it away from me! I'll die before I stop loving Duo!
I took a deep breath and forced myself to calm down, getting angry would not help anything. J could only hurt me if I allowed it, and since I would never allow it, I was safe. Probably. But he knew me well enough to know that I had been thinking of going to see Duo, to disregard his orders, and he'd expressly forbidden it. If I went to Europe, he'd do all he could to retrain me, and it wasn't just myself I had to worry about, I had to worry about what G would do to Duo. He wasn't as strong as me, both physically and mentally, and in the state he was in... retraining might destroy him.
Gods, I did not need this right now. Couldn't they understand that I was trying to help Duo?
I sighed and flopped down on my bed, staring at the water-stained ceiling. I missed Duo. I missed holding him and touching him and listening to his voice and watching him smile. I missed the way he'd make me feel so good just by being in the room. I missed looking at him and knowing that he needed me.
I guess that's a bit weird, isn't it? But I didn't love that he was in so much pain, I didn't like knowing that he was suffering so much, I just liked knowing that he needed me. I can't help but take pleasure in the fact that someone needed me so desperately, especially if that someone is Duo.
And now I'd failed him, hadn't I? I'd placed my training over my heart and sent him away, and now he was suffering again and I couldn't do anything to help him. Well, I could, but that would mean disregarding my orders, and I'd never done that before. Obeying orders and being a mindless puppet was all I knew, could I really break free of the cage my training had put me in?
-You already have once,- that voice said. You refused a mission.-
-That's different, it was just one stupid mission. This is about throwing away everything that I am.-
-Everything you are? You just said you were a mindless puppet, is that really what you want to be? Don't you want to be a person? Someone who can think and act for himself?-
-Of course I do, but I don't know if I can!-
-It's easy, nimwit. You just listen to your heart and forget what J says.-
I sighed. It wasn't that simple, and I knew it. For as long as I could remember, J had been God. I'd done what he said or I got hurt. He'd helped me, trained me, made me better and stronger and faster. He'd made me what I am. Sure, it had its downsides, but I liked the upsides. I didn't know if I could just forget everything that had been drilled into me since before I could remember.
I'd put Duo before my training once before, but that was just a little thing, a one-time deal. This was... if I did this, I would never be able to go back to my old life. I'd be changed forever. I didn't know if I was strong enough or brave enough to take that leap.
I sighed again, rubbing my temples wearily. I wasn't built for this kind of battle. Half of me wanted to run off and help Duo, but the other half balked at the idea of defying J, and I didn't know which half to listen to. My stomach was actually hurting from the mental conflict, my insides twisted up in one big knot of tension.
I looked at my laptop, trying to make some sort of decision. That laptop had been my constant companion through the years. Before I'd had Wing, I'd had my laptop. I'd written files, built programs, designed viruses, hacked my way into systems, downloaded data, I'd done everything I could think of. It had been a way to escape the nightmare of my training. I had thrown myself into cyberspace where pain didn't exist, where nothing existed but ones and zeroes, not even me.
It embodied so much that was the Perfect Soldier.
But in the end, it was just a machine. It was bits of plastic and wires and microchips. It wasn't a breathing, living thing that I could hold at night. It didn't need me. It wasn't Duo.
And given the choice, my laptop or Duo, there was only one answer.
The mental battle eased within me, my heart shouting at my mind to shut the fuck up. This was the right decision, I knew it.
I stood up and began tossing my few meagre belongings in my backpack, already forming a plan in my mind. Duo needed me, and that was all that mattered. If anyone dared try and stop me from going to his side and helping him through the pain that I had inflicted, then God have mercy on their soul, for I won't.
I shouldn't have let him go. I shouldn't have listened to all my training. I shouldn't have been such a fucking idiot! What was I thinking, letting him go off to Europe! Just because he got the fucking orders didn't mean we had to listen to them! Dammit, he was willing to stay, he made it my decision!
A high-pitched beeping made me sit up and glare at my laptop. I did not want a fucking mission right now, I want to brood, thank you very much. Unfortunately, my stupid sense of duty made me get up and answer the message. It wasn't a mission.
01,
While I am pleased that you have found friends and people you can trust, you must remember that THE WAR COMES FIRST. You are to never refuse a mission, especially not for personal reasons. It was completely irresponsible of you to hand the mission over to Pilot 03. I thought I had trained you better than that, and if you show any more signs of such great weakness, I will have to call you back for retraining. Though, I suppose the risks of that are diminished now that 02 has been sent away. If you even think of going after him or asking him to come to you, I will retrain you instantly and make sure that any such weaknesses are beaten out of you.
I glared at the message, my hands clenched into fists. That bastard, he will never lay his hands on me again! My love for Duo is not a weakness and I'll be damned if he'll take it away from me! I'll die before I stop loving Duo!
I took a deep breath and forced myself to calm down, getting angry would not help anything. J could only hurt me if I allowed it, and since I would never allow it, I was safe. Probably. But he knew me well enough to know that I had been thinking of going to see Duo, to disregard his orders, and he'd expressly forbidden it. If I went to Europe, he'd do all he could to retrain me, and it wasn't just myself I had to worry about, I had to worry about what G would do to Duo. He wasn't as strong as me, both physically and mentally, and in the state he was in... retraining might destroy him.
Gods, I did not need this right now. Couldn't they understand that I was trying to help Duo?
I sighed and flopped down on my bed, staring at the water-stained ceiling. I missed Duo. I missed holding him and touching him and listening to his voice and watching him smile. I missed the way he'd make me feel so good just by being in the room. I missed looking at him and knowing that he needed me.
I guess that's a bit weird, isn't it? But I didn't love that he was in so much pain, I didn't like knowing that he was suffering so much, I just liked knowing that he needed me. I can't help but take pleasure in the fact that someone needed me so desperately, especially if that someone is Duo.
And now I'd failed him, hadn't I? I'd placed my training over my heart and sent him away, and now he was suffering again and I couldn't do anything to help him. Well, I could, but that would mean disregarding my orders, and I'd never done that before. Obeying orders and being a mindless puppet was all I knew, could I really break free of the cage my training had put me in?
-You already have once,- that voice said. You refused a mission.-
-That's different, it was just one stupid mission. This is about throwing away everything that I am.-
-Everything you are? You just said you were a mindless puppet, is that really what you want to be? Don't you want to be a person? Someone who can think and act for himself?-
-Of course I do, but I don't know if I can!-
-It's easy, nimwit. You just listen to your heart and forget what J says.-
I sighed. It wasn't that simple, and I knew it. For as long as I could remember, J had been God. I'd done what he said or I got hurt. He'd helped me, trained me, made me better and stronger and faster. He'd made me what I am. Sure, it had its downsides, but I liked the upsides. I didn't know if I could just forget everything that had been drilled into me since before I could remember.
I'd put Duo before my training once before, but that was just a little thing, a one-time deal. This was... if I did this, I would never be able to go back to my old life. I'd be changed forever. I didn't know if I was strong enough or brave enough to take that leap.
I sighed again, rubbing my temples wearily. I wasn't built for this kind of battle. Half of me wanted to run off and help Duo, but the other half balked at the idea of defying J, and I didn't know which half to listen to. My stomach was actually hurting from the mental conflict, my insides twisted up in one big knot of tension.
I looked at my laptop, trying to make some sort of decision. That laptop had been my constant companion through the years. Before I'd had Wing, I'd had my laptop. I'd written files, built programs, designed viruses, hacked my way into systems, downloaded data, I'd done everything I could think of. It had been a way to escape the nightmare of my training. I had thrown myself into cyberspace where pain didn't exist, where nothing existed but ones and zeroes, not even me.
It embodied so much that was the Perfect Soldier.
But in the end, it was just a machine. It was bits of plastic and wires and microchips. It wasn't a breathing, living thing that I could hold at night. It didn't need me. It wasn't Duo.
And given the choice, my laptop or Duo, there was only one answer.
The mental battle eased within me, my heart shouting at my mind to shut the fuck up. This was the right decision, I knew it.
I stood up and began tossing my few meagre belongings in my backpack, already forming a plan in my mind. Duo needed me, and that was all that mattered. If anyone dared try and stop me from going to his side and helping him through the pain that I had inflicted, then God have mercy on their soul, for I won't.