Notes: Duo POV. I have absolutely no idea where this came from, but I kinda like it. Oh, and I'd like to say thanks to silvershard for your email, because it prompted me to sit down and do some serious writing for this fic, and voila, this chapter got written. So, thanks! Enjoy and review!
Computer science was my favourite class. Not just because it was so bleeding easy, but because it let me work on any missions during class. Currently, I was putting the finishing touches to my mission plan before the mission tomorrow night. I was supposed to be building a nice search programme, but I'd finished half an hour ago.
I heard footsteps behind me and quickly shrank my mission plan, pretending to work on my search programme again. The teacher barely glanced at my screen before moving on, and I smirked.
Someone nudged my leg, and I repressed the instinctive reaction I had to go for a weapon, turning to look at the girl next to me, Kay. She was hopeless at computers and always crashed her computer at least once. This time, it hadn't crashed, it had just frozen. She was looking at me desperately, and I couldn't blame her. Mr. Henry had told her that if she crashed or froze her computer one more time, she'd get detention.
"Computers is not your strong point, hun," I murmured, leaning over to type in a few commands. The screen flickered for a moment before unfreezing, and she beamed at me.
"Thank you SO much, Duo! You're a lifesaver!"
"Yeah, yeah, I know."
I winked at her and returned to my own 'work'. My stomach was turning over in little flipflops from her bright smile and well-meaning compliment. She didn't have any idea what I was. She couldn't see the blood on my hands, the scars on my skin. She couldn't see the people I'd put in the ground. She couldn't see.
But that was the point, wasn't it? To hide who, what, I was from the world? Run and hide, just never lie. I'd worked so hard to make sure that no one could see what I really was, why was it starting to make me nauseous? Why did I want to stand up and scream until someone noticed? Why did I want them to see the scars on my skin, the blood on my hands?
The answer came from a little corner of my mind, that little voice everyone has that answers almost any question you ask of yourself, you just have to listen.
Because someone HAD noticed, it said. Someone had listened to me scream, had seen the scars and the blood, and he had cared, and he had helped, and now he wasn't here.
Goddamit, I missed Heero. I always felt better when he was around, even if he was just working on his laptop and ignoring me. Ever since we met, he'd always given me this sense of... calm. Not really peace, and I rarely relaxed around him, but... It was sort of like the comfort you get with a security blanket, ya know? Remember the way you used to hug it tight when you were a little kid, hoping it would protect you against the monsters under the bed? That was sort of what Heero was to me. He would protect me. He was strong and dangerous and dedicated, and I knew that I could always depend on him.
I guess that's what had first led to my attraction to him, the fact that he was so strong. I've always gone for the strong protector types, they make me feel safe. And Heero was just so gorgeous, with that muscled body and the tousled hair and the eyes, oh God the eyes...
But he wasn't here anymore. He was halfway across the fucking globe and he couldn't help me. My security blanket had been torn to shreds and incinerated and the monsters under the bed knew that and they were waiting... waiting for me to slip up, to lower my defences, to let them in, and they would fall upon me like ravenous dogs, swallowing me up whole until I stopped feeling, stopped existing...
"Mister Maxwell, is something wrong?"
Mr. Henry's sharp, snide voice broke me out of my thoughts and I realised that I had stopped even pretending to work; I was just sitting in my seat, shivering and staring blankly at the screen.
I quickly closed my mission plan and forced myself to breath evenly, holding my body completely still.
"I'm... I'm not feeling well, Sir," I muttered after a moment's panic that I'd have to lie, but it wasn't a lie, it would just lead him to believe that my problem was physical and not mental.
"Do you wish to see the nurse?" His voice was bored and impatient; I was disrupting his class and he couldn't even shout and scream at me for it.
That sounded good, I could pretend to see the nurse but go to the toilet instead and cu-calm down.
"I-I think I should, Sir."
He heaved a great sigh and said, "Very well," in that ever-suffering tone he has before walking to his desk and writing me out a note. I grabbed it in a shaking hand and didn't quite run out of the classroom to the nearest bathroom.
I locked myself in the cubicle furthest from the door and sat on the closed lid of the toilet, wrapping my arms around my body. Not now, it couldn't happen now, not when I was at school, not when I didn't have any bandages or steri-pads, not when I didn't have any security, not when I didn't have HEERO.
I just had to keep myself distracted, yeah, that was it. Just don't think about the itching and the burning and the aching and the craving and the needing and dear God I couldn't do this!
How could I even hope to overcome the need without Heero there to help me? How could anyone expect me to do this without him?
Okay, that's it. I officially am declaring an emergency.
I didn't bother getting permission to leave school, nor did I bother to grab my things from the computer lab, I just walked out of the bathroom and out of the school, taking the quickest route to the motel. I rubbed at my arms, dragging my nails over the skin and peeling away a bit of the scab from the last cut I'd made, when I'd first asked for help. A droplet of blood welled up, wet and warm against my skin, and I watched the red spot form on the white of my shirtsleeve.
The room was just as I'd left it, my laptop peeking out from under the bed, my clothes lying on the floor, and the rest of my stuff in the corner. I fell onto my knees and dug my emergency box out of my backpack.
I stared at the contents and grabbed the box of paper clips, spilling the contents onto the floor with a soft, tinkling sound. I snatched up two clips and linked them together, adding another and another, counting silently in my head as I went, focusing entirely on the silver clips in my hands and not the itching, crawling feeling coating my skin.
I just had to keep myself distracted, keep myself busy, that was it, I just had to ignore all the itching and burning and just keep busy.
The door banged open and the need was forgotten as instincts kicked in and I jumped up, letting the long chain of paper clips slip from my fingers as I drew my gun and pointed it at the intruder.
My eyes widened, my brain refusing to believe it.
It just wasn't possible. He couldn't be here. This was some damned demented trick my fucked-up mind was playing on me. I wasn't going to fall for it. No way.
Heero wasn't standing in my doorway. He wasn't looking at me with concern. He wasn't dropping. He wasn't walking towards me. He wasn't wrapping me up in his arms. He wasn't holding me. He wasn't comforting me.
"I'm here, Duo," he whispered, and a broken sob escaped my lips as I collapsed against him.
We fell to the floor. My knees hit the wooden floorboards sharply but the pain went unnoticed as I lost myself in his embrace.
Computer science was my favourite class. Not just because it was so bleeding easy, but because it let me work on any missions during class. Currently, I was putting the finishing touches to my mission plan before the mission tomorrow night. I was supposed to be building a nice search programme, but I'd finished half an hour ago.
I heard footsteps behind me and quickly shrank my mission plan, pretending to work on my search programme again. The teacher barely glanced at my screen before moving on, and I smirked.
Someone nudged my leg, and I repressed the instinctive reaction I had to go for a weapon, turning to look at the girl next to me, Kay. She was hopeless at computers and always crashed her computer at least once. This time, it hadn't crashed, it had just frozen. She was looking at me desperately, and I couldn't blame her. Mr. Henry had told her that if she crashed or froze her computer one more time, she'd get detention.
"Computers is not your strong point, hun," I murmured, leaning over to type in a few commands. The screen flickered for a moment before unfreezing, and she beamed at me.
"Thank you SO much, Duo! You're a lifesaver!"
"Yeah, yeah, I know."
I winked at her and returned to my own 'work'. My stomach was turning over in little flipflops from her bright smile and well-meaning compliment. She didn't have any idea what I was. She couldn't see the blood on my hands, the scars on my skin. She couldn't see the people I'd put in the ground. She couldn't see.
But that was the point, wasn't it? To hide who, what, I was from the world? Run and hide, just never lie. I'd worked so hard to make sure that no one could see what I really was, why was it starting to make me nauseous? Why did I want to stand up and scream until someone noticed? Why did I want them to see the scars on my skin, the blood on my hands?
The answer came from a little corner of my mind, that little voice everyone has that answers almost any question you ask of yourself, you just have to listen.
Because someone HAD noticed, it said. Someone had listened to me scream, had seen the scars and the blood, and he had cared, and he had helped, and now he wasn't here.
Goddamit, I missed Heero. I always felt better when he was around, even if he was just working on his laptop and ignoring me. Ever since we met, he'd always given me this sense of... calm. Not really peace, and I rarely relaxed around him, but... It was sort of like the comfort you get with a security blanket, ya know? Remember the way you used to hug it tight when you were a little kid, hoping it would protect you against the monsters under the bed? That was sort of what Heero was to me. He would protect me. He was strong and dangerous and dedicated, and I knew that I could always depend on him.
I guess that's what had first led to my attraction to him, the fact that he was so strong. I've always gone for the strong protector types, they make me feel safe. And Heero was just so gorgeous, with that muscled body and the tousled hair and the eyes, oh God the eyes...
But he wasn't here anymore. He was halfway across the fucking globe and he couldn't help me. My security blanket had been torn to shreds and incinerated and the monsters under the bed knew that and they were waiting... waiting for me to slip up, to lower my defences, to let them in, and they would fall upon me like ravenous dogs, swallowing me up whole until I stopped feeling, stopped existing...
"Mister Maxwell, is something wrong?"
Mr. Henry's sharp, snide voice broke me out of my thoughts and I realised that I had stopped even pretending to work; I was just sitting in my seat, shivering and staring blankly at the screen.
I quickly closed my mission plan and forced myself to breath evenly, holding my body completely still.
"I'm... I'm not feeling well, Sir," I muttered after a moment's panic that I'd have to lie, but it wasn't a lie, it would just lead him to believe that my problem was physical and not mental.
"Do you wish to see the nurse?" His voice was bored and impatient; I was disrupting his class and he couldn't even shout and scream at me for it.
That sounded good, I could pretend to see the nurse but go to the toilet instead and cu-calm down.
"I-I think I should, Sir."
He heaved a great sigh and said, "Very well," in that ever-suffering tone he has before walking to his desk and writing me out a note. I grabbed it in a shaking hand and didn't quite run out of the classroom to the nearest bathroom.
I locked myself in the cubicle furthest from the door and sat on the closed lid of the toilet, wrapping my arms around my body. Not now, it couldn't happen now, not when I was at school, not when I didn't have any bandages or steri-pads, not when I didn't have any security, not when I didn't have HEERO.
I just had to keep myself distracted, yeah, that was it. Just don't think about the itching and the burning and the aching and the craving and the needing and dear God I couldn't do this!
How could I even hope to overcome the need without Heero there to help me? How could anyone expect me to do this without him?
Okay, that's it. I officially am declaring an emergency.
I didn't bother getting permission to leave school, nor did I bother to grab my things from the computer lab, I just walked out of the bathroom and out of the school, taking the quickest route to the motel. I rubbed at my arms, dragging my nails over the skin and peeling away a bit of the scab from the last cut I'd made, when I'd first asked for help. A droplet of blood welled up, wet and warm against my skin, and I watched the red spot form on the white of my shirtsleeve.
The room was just as I'd left it, my laptop peeking out from under the bed, my clothes lying on the floor, and the rest of my stuff in the corner. I fell onto my knees and dug my emergency box out of my backpack.
I stared at the contents and grabbed the box of paper clips, spilling the contents onto the floor with a soft, tinkling sound. I snatched up two clips and linked them together, adding another and another, counting silently in my head as I went, focusing entirely on the silver clips in my hands and not the itching, crawling feeling coating my skin.
I just had to keep myself distracted, keep myself busy, that was it, I just had to ignore all the itching and burning and just keep busy.
The door banged open and the need was forgotten as instincts kicked in and I jumped up, letting the long chain of paper clips slip from my fingers as I drew my gun and pointed it at the intruder.
My eyes widened, my brain refusing to believe it.
It just wasn't possible. He couldn't be here. This was some damned demented trick my fucked-up mind was playing on me. I wasn't going to fall for it. No way.
Heero wasn't standing in my doorway. He wasn't looking at me with concern. He wasn't dropping. He wasn't walking towards me. He wasn't wrapping me up in his arms. He wasn't holding me. He wasn't comforting me.
"I'm here, Duo," he whispered, and a broken sob escaped my lips as I collapsed against him.
We fell to the floor. My knees hit the wooden floorboards sharply but the pain went unnoticed as I lost myself in his embrace.