Notes: I had to repost this chapter due to a few mistakes, so sorry for the mixup.
It felt so good to hold him. Not just good, it felt right. The feel of his body against mine, the soft sound of his breathing, the sweet scent of his hair... it all just felt so right. How could I have ever thought of giving this up?
I sighed and rubbed my cheek against the top of his head, breathing in the scent of his hair. He shifted slightly, clutching at me a little tighter, and I bit my lip as his thigh slid over my groin.
"Why are you here, Heero?" His voice was soft and wistful, layered with deep longing and confusion. It was the first time he'd spoken since I'd arrived and my heartbeat raced at the sound. God, I'd missed his voice.
He was still waiting for my answer so I said simply, "You needed me."
"You're breaking orders."
"I know."
He made a soft contented sound and snuggled a bit closer to me. "I missed you," he admitted quietly, and I closed my eyes. "So very much. I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, could barely function. You're all that's holding me together at the moment. If you leave me again, I don't think I'll be able to handle it." He paused and then added, "Sorry for sounding so... needy, but I needed to say that."
What could I say to that? I've never been good with words, I've always relied on actions to convey my emotions, so all I did was kiss the top of his head and continue to hold him.
We didn't stay like that for long, Duo was hungry and confused; he wanted a nice meal and some answers. So I went for takeout and we talked about unimportant things for a bit. Then he asked a very important question.
"What do we do now?"
I sighed and looked at my food, avoiding his eyes. Truthfully, I didn't know. I had no idea what we were going to do now. When I'd left the safe house, Trowa had asked me the same thing. He hadn't tried to stop me, he'd just asked a question. I hadn't answered him, I hadn't known how.
I was going to help Duo, that was a certainty. But I needed more of a plan than that. Like it or not, we were Gundam pilots. We couldn't turn our backs on the war forever. And even if we wanted to, we wouldn't be allowed. J and G would hunt us down and force us into retraining. They'd strip away every shred of humanity we'd ever possessed and decide which pieces we were allowed to keep. I wouldn't let that happen, not to me and especially not to Duo. But how could I stop it?
We could run, hide away from everyone and everything. With my computer skills and Duo's thieving skills, we could practically disappear. But... I didn't want to do that. I don't know exactly why, but the thought of running and hiding made my skin crawl.
So where did that leave us?
"I don't like it when you don't answer," Duo mumbled, and I looked up to see the incredibly... lost expression on his face. "You don't know, do you?"
I sighed again and said, "No."
"Dammit."
"If the doctors find out that I've come here, and they will given enough time, they'll force us into retraining. On my own, I could possibly evade the people they'd send, but not with you."
A flare of defiance sparked to life in Duo's eyes and he said, "I'm just as good as you at running and hiding, if not better."
"Running and hiding, yes, but J has some very... talented people at his command. It'll take more than wits and guns to outsmart them, and I don't want you to see the kind of bloodshed I am capable of."
He frowned and gave me one of those searching looks he was so good at. "I don't think you could do anything to horrify me, Heero," he said quietly, and I wasn't sure whether he was comforting me or mocking himself.
I looked down at my hands and thought about all the things I had been trained to do, all the ways I could kill a man with my bare hands. I thought about gouging out eyes, slashing throats, cutting off limbs.... It wasn't a pretty picture.
"Heero?"
I looked up at Duo's concerned face and grimaced. "Sorry. The point is, I'm not leaving you no matter what. So either we find some sort of agreement with the doctors or...."
"Or?"
".... We get retrained."
"Fuck that! I ain't goin' through that hell again! And I certainly ain't letting that bastard G teach me not to love you!"
My control snapped. I was too tense, too worried, too fucking confused to handle this conversation, and my anger burst out without my meaning it to. "Do you think I want to be retrained?" I snapped back. "Do you think I enjoy the endless days of searing pain? Do you think I like being told what a weak, useless, pathetic little shit I am?"
I stood up and stalked into the bathroom, leaning heavily on the sink and staring at my reflection in the cracked mirror. My eyes were filled with violent swirls of rage, but not at Duo, at J, at his assistants, at my entire fucked-up past.
It was in the past, I survived it, I'm alright. It was in the past, I survived it, I'm alright. It was in the past, I survived it, I'm alright. If I repeated it often enough, I just might start to believe it.
I felt a presence and turned to see Duo standing hesitantly in the doorway. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, looking very uncertain. "I know you don't like your past any more than I do. I just... I'm getting scared."
I felt the anger seep out of me and I pulled him into a comforting embrace. "I'm here, Duo," I murmured, stroking his back. "I'll protect you."
"What are we gonna do, Heero?"
"I don't know, but I'll think of something."
We stayed like that for a while, before he drew away enough to look into my eyes. "Have I ever thanked you for what you're doing?"
It was such a stupid question that I laughed and brushed my fingers across his cheek. "You don't need to thank me, Duo. I want to do this. I want to help you."
He drew away again, this time leaving my arms completely. He looked very determined suddenly and I wondered what he was contemplating so seriously.
"I've been doing some thinking," he said after a while, his hands toying with the end of his braid. "Most of it about you. About how... I feel about you. I told you a while ago that it wasn't love, but I think... I think I don't know if that's true anymore. And I know that if I wanna find out... I have to... I mean, I want to... that is, would you..." He sighed in frustration and ran a hand through his bangs.
"Would you kiss me?"
It felt so good to hold him. Not just good, it felt right. The feel of his body against mine, the soft sound of his breathing, the sweet scent of his hair... it all just felt so right. How could I have ever thought of giving this up?
I sighed and rubbed my cheek against the top of his head, breathing in the scent of his hair. He shifted slightly, clutching at me a little tighter, and I bit my lip as his thigh slid over my groin.
"Why are you here, Heero?" His voice was soft and wistful, layered with deep longing and confusion. It was the first time he'd spoken since I'd arrived and my heartbeat raced at the sound. God, I'd missed his voice.
He was still waiting for my answer so I said simply, "You needed me."
"You're breaking orders."
"I know."
He made a soft contented sound and snuggled a bit closer to me. "I missed you," he admitted quietly, and I closed my eyes. "So very much. I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, could barely function. You're all that's holding me together at the moment. If you leave me again, I don't think I'll be able to handle it." He paused and then added, "Sorry for sounding so... needy, but I needed to say that."
What could I say to that? I've never been good with words, I've always relied on actions to convey my emotions, so all I did was kiss the top of his head and continue to hold him.
We didn't stay like that for long, Duo was hungry and confused; he wanted a nice meal and some answers. So I went for takeout and we talked about unimportant things for a bit. Then he asked a very important question.
"What do we do now?"
I sighed and looked at my food, avoiding his eyes. Truthfully, I didn't know. I had no idea what we were going to do now. When I'd left the safe house, Trowa had asked me the same thing. He hadn't tried to stop me, he'd just asked a question. I hadn't answered him, I hadn't known how.
I was going to help Duo, that was a certainty. But I needed more of a plan than that. Like it or not, we were Gundam pilots. We couldn't turn our backs on the war forever. And even if we wanted to, we wouldn't be allowed. J and G would hunt us down and force us into retraining. They'd strip away every shred of humanity we'd ever possessed and decide which pieces we were allowed to keep. I wouldn't let that happen, not to me and especially not to Duo. But how could I stop it?
We could run, hide away from everyone and everything. With my computer skills and Duo's thieving skills, we could practically disappear. But... I didn't want to do that. I don't know exactly why, but the thought of running and hiding made my skin crawl.
So where did that leave us?
"I don't like it when you don't answer," Duo mumbled, and I looked up to see the incredibly... lost expression on his face. "You don't know, do you?"
I sighed again and said, "No."
"Dammit."
"If the doctors find out that I've come here, and they will given enough time, they'll force us into retraining. On my own, I could possibly evade the people they'd send, but not with you."
A flare of defiance sparked to life in Duo's eyes and he said, "I'm just as good as you at running and hiding, if not better."
"Running and hiding, yes, but J has some very... talented people at his command. It'll take more than wits and guns to outsmart them, and I don't want you to see the kind of bloodshed I am capable of."
He frowned and gave me one of those searching looks he was so good at. "I don't think you could do anything to horrify me, Heero," he said quietly, and I wasn't sure whether he was comforting me or mocking himself.
I looked down at my hands and thought about all the things I had been trained to do, all the ways I could kill a man with my bare hands. I thought about gouging out eyes, slashing throats, cutting off limbs.... It wasn't a pretty picture.
"Heero?"
I looked up at Duo's concerned face and grimaced. "Sorry. The point is, I'm not leaving you no matter what. So either we find some sort of agreement with the doctors or...."
"Or?"
".... We get retrained."
"Fuck that! I ain't goin' through that hell again! And I certainly ain't letting that bastard G teach me not to love you!"
My control snapped. I was too tense, too worried, too fucking confused to handle this conversation, and my anger burst out without my meaning it to. "Do you think I want to be retrained?" I snapped back. "Do you think I enjoy the endless days of searing pain? Do you think I like being told what a weak, useless, pathetic little shit I am?"
I stood up and stalked into the bathroom, leaning heavily on the sink and staring at my reflection in the cracked mirror. My eyes were filled with violent swirls of rage, but not at Duo, at J, at his assistants, at my entire fucked-up past.
It was in the past, I survived it, I'm alright. It was in the past, I survived it, I'm alright. It was in the past, I survived it, I'm alright. If I repeated it often enough, I just might start to believe it.
I felt a presence and turned to see Duo standing hesitantly in the doorway. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, looking very uncertain. "I know you don't like your past any more than I do. I just... I'm getting scared."
I felt the anger seep out of me and I pulled him into a comforting embrace. "I'm here, Duo," I murmured, stroking his back. "I'll protect you."
"What are we gonna do, Heero?"
"I don't know, but I'll think of something."
We stayed like that for a while, before he drew away enough to look into my eyes. "Have I ever thanked you for what you're doing?"
It was such a stupid question that I laughed and brushed my fingers across his cheek. "You don't need to thank me, Duo. I want to do this. I want to help you."
He drew away again, this time leaving my arms completely. He looked very determined suddenly and I wondered what he was contemplating so seriously.
"I've been doing some thinking," he said after a while, his hands toying with the end of his braid. "Most of it about you. About how... I feel about you. I told you a while ago that it wasn't love, but I think... I think I don't know if that's true anymore. And I know that if I wanna find out... I have to... I mean, I want to... that is, would you..." He sighed in frustration and ran a hand through his bangs.
"Would you kiss me?"