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Chapter 3

I pulled myself up into a sitting position and yawned softly. I was still really groggy even though I hadn't done anything the previous day to tire myself out. Clumsily, I felt around for my bed mate. My fingers brushed gently against the neighboring pillow and I recoiled slightly.

Cold.

Sora had been up for a while it seemed. The warmth his body usually left behind had long seeped away. I shivered slightly and scooted from under the blanket. My feet sunk into the carpet as I made my way to the window to close it. It was raining again. The air was bitterly frosty and sent a pained chill down my back. My slender frame had yet to really heal from the time I spent in Kingdom Hearts. My once powerful muscular body had nearly been reduced to skin and bones. Lack of food and water would do that to a person. I was regaining my strength slowly though. But I got cold very easily now. I had to sleep in long sleeved shirts regardless of how many blankets covered me. Sora would provide me with plenty of warmth too.

Where was Sora anyway?

I turned from the window after I locked it. Call me paranoid okay. I looked around the room but didn't see Sora anywhere. I was still getting used to this. Waking up in the middle of the night to find him gone. It was... different. Had this been 2 years ago and I was in better health I would have heard Sora sneaking away. But now due to the events that only recently passed I slept like the dead, only waking when I got cold or when it was morning. Well, I had gotten really cold.

There were really only a few other places Sora would have gone. I always found him there. This fact disturbed me a bit. I knew Sora had horrible nightmares and that he was extremely reluctant to tell me what they were about. But I suspect they're about Sora's little Keyblade adventure, or had something to do with it. Maybe they had something to do with me too. That made me feel awful. Sora was having nightmares about what I'd done to Kairi. To him. Every night he would get up and go to that place and stare unblinkingly at the wall. He wouldn't speak or move, not even when I showed up. It was... bizarre to say the least.

Quietly I made my way out of our room. I timidly glanced down the hall to the left and frowned at the door slightly hidden in shadow. I hoped that person wasn't awake yet. I'll explain why later. I turned to the left and trudged down the hallway to a single door. It was cracked just slightly and a pale yellow light streamed out. I could hear the shower running and steam rose and billowed out of the crack in the door. I couldn't help but sigh as I went in, closing the door softly behind me.

"Sora."

I whispered, knowing full well he couldn't hear me over the spray of the shower. This had gone on every night for the past few months though. Sora knew I was there already. I sighed again, a little frustrated, and rubbed my arms. I was starting to get hot from the steam and the sweater I wore felt suddenly very uncomfortable. Absently I got undressed, folded my pajamas and laid them on the towel rack just next to the sink.

"Sora." I called again. Still no reply.

I tossed my now shoulder length hair out of my face and pulled back the shower curtain. There he was leaning stiffly against the tile wall. His pale blue eyes were wide open and didn't even flicker from the constant spray of too hot water. I winced at the redness of Sora's now paler skin. Why did he do this to himself?

"Sora." I called softly and reached in to turn the hot water off. This seemed to jar Sora awake because he flinched at the sudden change in water temperature and backed away. I frowned and turned the water heat back up. Sora didn't even turn as he spoke.

"I ... I felt sticky."

Sticky?

I groaned and climbed into the tub. I didn't reach for Sora though, not yet. I couldn't because he would shy away. I wondered about that. Was it because of me? Did Sora feel dirty because of me? If he did, why?

I reached out slowly, tracing the delicate curve of Sora's shoulder without touching it. Not yet. I would go slowly like every other time this happened and eventually Sora would come back to bed.

"It's... not because of you." He breathed. His hair was plastered to his face obscuring his eyes so I couldn't really see his expression. He pushed the soaked locks away and started to talk again. Naturally I listened but.... I'd heard all of this before.

"I... don't like being all sweaty. ... I sweat from the nightmares."

I nodded and leaned against the shower wall. Silence ensued and all I could do was wait. This was were Sora stopped talking altogether. And for the next 10 minutes or so he wouldn't move, blink, or barely breath. It made me feel odd. It was like Sora was silently willing me to go away so he could be alone. But if I left him he would just turn the hot water back up and burn himself.

"Why do you do this?"

I blinked in surprise. I had meant to think those words, not say them out loud. I dreaded Sora's answer immediately when he turned on me with a wide shocked gaze.

"Why...?" Sora repeated like he'd never heard that question or that word before. His voice raised a pitch to high as he said it. I nodded stiffly. Sora was hugging himself tightly at that moment. He let his arms fall and stood up a little straighter.

"Some thing's wrong with me...." Sora's words were clear and concise, like he'd thought about this long and hard and this was his final conclusion. I felt my eyes bug out. I hadn't been expecting that response. I recovered from my surprise quickly though and stepped up to Sora.

"Why do you think that? Sora, there's nothing wrong with you, not at all. Your perf..."

"Don't say that. It's not true!"

Sora hissed and glared up at me. His blue eyes flashed with barely controlled rage and for a moment I was frozen in shock. Sora looked so angry. I hadn't seen that look in Sora's eyes since...

Since we fought in Hallow Bastion.

Sora turned his back on me then and slumped against the wall again. I stared down at my feet and watched the water spiral around my ankles toward the drain. I could see Sora's ankles. So thin and delicate. My gaze drew upward to Sora's pale thighs, his supple behind and the small of his femininely curved back, then up to his shoulder blades. My breath came out shuddery. Sora was so beautiful.

"Is that all I am to you?" Sora spoke suddenly. His tone was accusing.

I jumped and stared at Sora with a guilty expression. Here he was distressed and I was admiring his body like a dog in heat.

"Wha... what?" Was all I could stutter out though.

Sora turned to me, face slack.

"You know what I mean. You're thinking about it now."

I frowned.

"Sex."

I glared. Now why the hell would Sora ask me that if he already knew the answer? Yes, I was thinking about sex.... but that's not all I wanted him for. This was starting to frustrate me greatly. Is this what all the sneaking out at night was all about? Sora thought I only wanted him for sexual purpose? This had been on his mind for a long time obviously. I assumed he just needed to build up the courage to ask it out right. But it made no sense from my point of view.

Sure we had sex.

We were together. Boyfriends. It was something that just eventually happened in any relationship.

So we had sex.

So what.

Not all the time.

Tonight, yes. Yesterday... yeah...

But...

Wait.

I gasped slightly. Sora's expression cracked, almost like he was about to burst into tears, and he looked down at his feet. I shook my head as realization dawned on me. So this was about me.

"You want to talk about his now....?" I asked in a whining tone.

Sora poked out his lip, not in a cute way. He was pissed.

"Yes, why can't we..."

"Because it's kind of too late Sora. We've.... we've already done it."

"But we never talked about before the fact. We never discussed it with each other. It just happened."

"Uh... yeah..."

"RIKU!"

"What is there to talk about Sora! It's done. You can't... get your virginity back because we talk about sex."

Sora clamped his mouth shut.

Almost every night when we had participated in some kind of sexual activity Sora had gotten up to take a shower. It didn't bother me at first because he'd always said it was his nightmares. Naturally I believed him. I mean, he did have nightmares and broke into cold sweats. But, Sora had been lying to me... About something serious like this. And I hadn't even noticed. God, Sora had changed. He used to be an emotionally open book that I knew by heart cover to cover. Now I wasn't so sure about his feelings.

"You... feel dirty after we make love... is that it....?" I barely breathed staring hard at him. Sora's head snapped up and he stared wildly at me. I was trembling slightly and shaking my head. I couldn't believe it. Sora whimpered slightly.

"The first time... I was .... I didn't know what I was doing..." Sora whimpered.

I scratched my head. "Well, neither did I." I said matter-of-factly and truthfully.

Sora shook his head. "I wasn't ready then. You... you rushed me... and now.... You... every night Riku. That's why I'm always so tired. The only way we can be together during the day... is when..." Sora sucked in a breath through his clenched teeth before he yelled.

"...All you ever want to do is fuck!"

I felt my eyes widen and I took a shuddery breath at Sora's vulgar choice of words. When Sora said it like that it sounded so terrible. Almost like forced sex. Like rape. I was starting to get mad too.

"Why didn't you just say you didn't want to?" I asked a little too coldly. I hadn't meant to sound so heartless. My words seemed to strike a cord in Sora and I watched his face scrunch up in a pained expression.

"Say I didn't want to?! Even if I had, would you have stopped Riku?! Would you?!"

I clamped my mouth shut and looked away. I honestly didn't think I could have stopped even if I wanted to. Even if he was begging me. Sora didn't understand what it was like.... being inside of him. It's not something you can explain to someone. I couldn't admit that to Sora though. I was taking to long to answer and Sora seemed to get the message. He didn't like my silent response and lashed out at me. His hand clipped me across the cheek and jarred me just enough to make me loose balance and hit the tile wall. I winced after I righted himself. The blow hadn't hurt much, Sora hit me harder then that when we used to play fight. But... that's just it. We weren't playing. This was for real. Sora had really meant to hit me hard. I couldn't seem to rid my face of the hurt expression it had.

"Is that what this is all about?" I whispered. Sora clenched his teeth harder, I think he was even angrier now because his strike had missed, he balled his fists and turned to get out of the shower. I lunged forward, almost slipping on the wet floor of the shower stall and roughly grabbed his thin wrist. He whirled around and glared viciously at me, his free hand was raised to strike again.

I watched it cautiously. Sora really could hurt me if he wanted too.

"Let me go." He snarled.

In all of my effort I just didn't have the strength or will to be angry at him for wanting to kick my ass. How could I really blame him for acting the way he was?

Everything he'd said... accused me of....

It was true...

Most of the time we were just having sex. And I really hadn't always cared if Sora wanted to do things or not. But he had never said no or stop.

Actually, he'd never said yes either.

Oh my god....

I'm a bastard.

"Sora, wait..." I whimpered and pulled him to me. He started to fight against me.

"Riku... no... leave me alone..."

He was trying futilely to get away. His heart wasn't in his struggle though. Under the gentle stream of now warming water I saw tears pouring down his flushed cheeks. I tried to pull him closer but he used his arms as a brace to keep some distance. I spoke softly and as calmly as I could to try and get him to settle down.

"Sora... stop.. don't do this."

He batted at my hands and yanked against my grasp but I wasn't going to let him go.

"No Riku... Just let me go....." He groaned and punched at my chest. He really did want me to let him go. I was doing exactly what had caused this problem in the first place. I wasn't stopping. I loosened my grip and felt him almost slip away.

"Riku!" He screeched. He stopped fighting now and just covered his face with his free hand, sobbing. I was barely holding onto his wrist. He wasn't pulling his arm away. He kept mumbling for me to let him go. I frowned in concern.

"Sora... I'm not even holding onto you to you anymore."

Something was really wrong here. Why was he acting like this? Was I hurting him that bad? This wasn't just about us having sex all the time. Sex wasn't really that important to me. It was nice to have sure, but If it caused this much distress to Sora I could live without it.

I think....

Sora sniffled and sucked in a harsh breath. He couldn't seem to speak but his mouth was moving.

"What?" I asked

He turned just slightly to look at me.

"Yes you are.... you won't let me go." He said just above a whisper. I blinked a few times and released his arm completely.

Sora hugged himself and looked away from me. It took him a moment to speak.

"It's always like this. You over powering me. You know you're stronger then me. Even now after 2 years... I'm still a little weak... kid! How can I expect you and other people to respect me and consider me grown up when I can't even stand up to you? My boyfriend! I'm tired of this Riku... I can't take it anymore. You think it's easy being who I am. Everyone expects me to be this nice, kind, giving, always smiling little boy without a care in the world... I can't be that. Maybe I used to be... but not anymore...."

Sora paused and bit his bottom lip before hissing,

"This has to end Riku... tonight!"

I had to step back and gather my thoughts. It felt like an arrow had just struck me in the heart. I was really confused too. I leaned heavily against the far shower wall and took a few deep breaths. The shower water splashed my face, giving me a bit of strength. I could hear Sora scrubbing at his eyes.

Something dawned on me.

"You... mean... you want to break up?"

God it hurt to say that. I felt my stomach twist into a really tight knot and my breath catch in my throat.. I think I would have just died right there if he answered how I thought he would.

I couldn't see what Sora was doing because I had my head down. I heard him moving, I think closer to me. He was panting heavily like he was out of breath and couldn't catch it. I felt him run his fingers through my hair and I looked up. He was smiling just slightly.

More confusion on my side.

"Break up?... No... why would you...? No."

I inhaled sharply. Oh my god.... I thought I was going to faint.

"I just... don't wanna have sex anymore for a while. I feel like that's the only reason you're with me. Like that's all that we do. Our relationship lacks romance and understanding. I have to be sure that sex isn't all we have.... Is that okay...?" He said it so timidly. Like he was afraid I'd start yelling at him for suggesting it.

Was that okay?

Was that okay?

Sora.

Sora.

I slid to the floor and wrapped my arms around his leg. I couldn't stop blinking and my eyes were stinging really badly. Was I crying? Yeah I was... That was okay in front of Sora. I laid my head against his smooth slightly pudgy tummy and started to sob. Only he could reduce me to a bawling little heap like this. Only Sora could make me weak in the knees.

"Riku."

I heard him whisper. He sounded concerned. I guess he was waiting for my answer. I hope he didn't think I was crying because he didn't wanna have sex anymore. I answered quickly.

"Of course that's okay idiot. If you... if you don't wanna do something just say it. I'd never force anything on you.. Ever... Sora... YOU can get angry and say stop. To me or anyone else."

Sora smiled sincerely this time and stroked my hair. "Riku." He said. "Riku." Over and over again. I tightened my grip around his leg.

"Don't you ever do this again. Hurt yourself because of me." I said fiercely. "No matter what it is you can tell me. I'm your best friend... your boyfriend... your.. your lover." I looked up at him. He was watching me.

I'll never get over how beautiful he is.

"Riku." He said one more time.

"I love you."

Sappy I know... I don't care.

"I love you Sora, no matter what."

And he just kept breathing my name softly and caressing my head.

"Riku."

My name sounds so nice when he says it.

"Riku"

Mmmmm....

"Riku!"

I jumped slightly and looked up at him. His expression was soft and forgiving.

"The water's getting cold." He said. I blinked a few times. I do that a lot, and started to stand up. Sora helped me. I watched his face for a long time. Like I was seeing it for the first time.

Sora had changed. Maybe not so much physically, but emotionally and mentally he was a completely different person. I had to learn about him all over again. Gone was that free spirited little boy I met almost more then 10 years ago.

10 years...

That's a long time to know someone.... Then find out you really don't know them at all.

"Can.. can I kiss you?" I asked timidly. I didn't want to invade his personal space. Should I be feeling like that? Like I was invading him? Hell, we'd had sex already. We were back and square one.

Frustration...

This was going to be hard.

Sora smiled and gave me a soft peck on the lips before turning and starting to wash up in the now cold water.

Okay. This was going to be extremely hard.

But for him, for my Sora, I was willing to do anything.

To be continued.

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