Note's from Me:):
Okay, I usually try to avoid doing these long intro's because.. well, who cares what I have to say, but after the last chapter I just wanted say thanks to everyone for sticking with this fic and leaving such nice reviews. In all honesty I hadn't really planned for it to turn into a story like this. This is literally pushing the limits of my first person writing ability. I think I'm getting to into writing it because my eyes fill with tears during the sad scenes. I feel like I have become Riku and Sora. Anyway, this is where the story takes a turn. A big turn. Riku will be very very out of character. There is no way I can let him deal with his rape and be all big headed. And I want this story to make Sora the strong one. Riku is always taking pain for the both of them, just for once I want his walls to break. I want him to act his age for a bit. If this unnerves anyone I'm sorry, but I just want to show how much of an emotional blow this is to Riku.
Sora seemed really creepy to me in the chapter... I'm like Riku.. Um, how can you be so calm about being raped huh huh? Cloud will now be playing a big role in the later chapters, more so then he is now by the way. Hmmm, what else, I wasn't true to the game about Sora's first time in Traverse Town. Personally, the place always gave me the creeps, it just seemed so fake. Kinda like Niebelheim you know.
Other note: I try to go back and check for spelling errors, I usually get the big ones, but miss the little ones. If you notice a typo let me know please.
None of the Characters belong to me. © Square Soft
Chapter 7
Moment of truth....
Will it set me free....?
"The first time it happened was when..." I shot a quick glance at Riku and noted warily that I had his undivided attention. His eyes were wide and piercing, his lips parted slightly as he silently waited in anticipation but with a forced kind of patience. I licked at my lips, which had become suddenly dry and tried to rationalize a thought. Where to start? There... were so many...
"I was alone when I woke up in Traverse Town..."
I'll start from the beginning.
"I was alone, cold, kind of hurt from a previous fight with a really big Heartless, and completely confused. I really don't remember much... it was a blur, but I was so... happy? Maybe. To be in another world, I guess. I walked blindly around town, it was dark, dismal, chilly, everyone's eyes were glued to me like they'd never seen a boy before. I was probably wearing the brightest color clothing in the whole town. I had a huge key for a weapon, and personally I didn't feel well protected by it.
Alleys looked like doorways to Hell, corners were only for those making money.. if you know what I mean. I basically stood out like a bleeding thumb. I started to ask for directions, and where I was, but I was too terrified to talk to anyone. I wanted to get out of the streets and wandered into Cid's accessory shop. He was probably the only person I instantly felt safe to talk too. I told him my situation and he said he'd look after me. He fed me, gave me a rain coat, it was pouring outside when I came too, and told me to look around the town. I thought he'd lost his mind, but once I took the time to get familiar with my surroundings I felt a bit more at ease."
Pause...
Riku was staring at me, his eyes had grown wider, he hadn't blinked once I don't think. I had never really told what it was like when I first got to Traverse Town. The city wasn't exactly... homely to say the least. I could just hear him scolding himself for letting me be alone in this town. I touched his hand gently and watched his lashes lower just slightly. He was listening again.
".... I saw a man... get his heart taken by one of the Heartless for the first time. Naturally, I tried to help but I was too late.... That has to be the most... horrifying thing to watch.... Anyway, I explored district 2 and noted vaguely that no body was around. I sat by the fountain and wondered absently what I was going to do. I felt... uh lost... Yeah. I decided I'd go back to Cid's place, he'd probably let me sleep there for the night at least."
I paused again.
How to explain this part. If Riku knew that Leon had actually attacked me the first time we met... I didn't want to cause Riku anymore stress. But I had to tell because he had asked to hear everything... Okay I was stalling, thinking of a way to tell him what really led up to my...my .... sexual abuse... It was hard to say how it really happened because...
"You're going to get mad..." I said with a shaky voice. I was whining actually. Oh my god.... I can't tell him this...
"Sora... you said... I have to know." Riku breathed
I looked Riku in his eyes, silently pleading, begging with all of my heart for him to stay calm and not throw a fit. He raised my hands to his face and rubbed his cheek lovingly against my palms. I smiled sadly.
"...okay..." He deserved to know.
"Okay..." I started again. Boy I felt... suddenly short of breath.
"When I got back to the first district, everyone was gone. I mean... It was like a ghost town. I got really nervous and slightly scared and went to see Cid again. He... wasn't in his shop. I was starting to panic and wander just what kind of place this was... and what had I gotten myself into. When I stepped back outside it was deathly silent. I could hear my heart smacking painfully against my ribcage. That's when... he showed up."
"Leon...." Riku murmured. I nodded stiffly once.
"He... was saying something about the keyblade and the heartless coming after me because I had it. I didn't know what the hell he was talking about at first. Then he started to advance on me, telling me to hand over my only weapon...."
I had a sudden painful memory of a fireball incased bullet hitting me dead in my chest. Luckily it was just a magical bullet. Riku felt me flinch and made a worried expression.
"What happened?" He almost squeaked. I looked away from him and smiled coldly.
"He kicked my ass... that's what happened. Quick too..." Riku drew in a sharp breath. I could just hear him making a mental list of how many ways he was going to slaughter Leon once he got the chance.
"And then..." Riku urged.
"Wait..." I looked back at Riku and studied his face. He gave me a questioning look right back. "I have to tell you... something.... This is what will... make you mad..." I pursed my lips. Riku didn't say anything.
"I thought... When Leon first showed up... God Riku.... He's...was... so gorgeous." I looked quickly at Riku and noticed how his expression had darkened. I know this was the last thing he wanted the hear right now. But this is what was going through my mind the first time I met Leon.
"...You've told me about how physically appealing you find Leon once before Sora... back to the story now..."
He was getting mad. I stood up sharply and stepped away from him.
"That's just it Riku." I was almost viciously running my hands through my hair and staring at the floor. "This... my attraction to him is a part of the story. It's why everything happened in the first place."
Riku still didn't say anything.
Time to go on.
"I woke up some odd hours later in a bed..." Riku took a sharp intake of breath, I glanced at him. "I saw...." No, don't mention that part. I can't tell him I was hallucinating about Kairi, he'd be pissed then. "I met Yuffie for the first time then. Together she and Leon explained the whole Heartless, Keyblade Master thing deal to me. Moving on. There was another fight..... I met Donald and Goofy and Aeris.... Er... Moving on again....."
"Did he touch you?"
I turned to Riku and cocked my head. I didn't know what he was talking about.
"When you were unconscious?"
I blinked several times before realization sunk in. I shook my head rapidly several times and waved my hands. "Oh, no, no, no, no, er, Yuffie was there..." At least... I don't think he'd touched me then.
"Well... lets just say after all of the fights and meetings of strange new people.. and animals... I was dead tired. Cid offered me a room at his place, then Aeris offered me too. Yuffie said she didn't want a kid, a boy, staying in her itty bitty apartment with only a door separating us. She can be... a little mean sometimes. I was just about to decide to stay with Cid, when Leon told everyone in his, no-room-for-argument-tone, that I was staying with him. I... didn't object..."
"Why not?" Riku slightly demanded. I rubbed my face in aggravation.
"I... I don't know..." That was a lie and Riku was glaring at me because he knew it was one too. I blew a frustrated breath through my lips and sat back down on the bed, on the other side, and went on with my story.
"I have my reasons." I finally said after a time of ear shattering silence. I felt Riku shift on the bed, he was looking at me, and then he said.
"Give me three of them."
I frowned and stared at the floor.
1. I was tired and really didn't care where I was sleeping at that moment.
2. I wasn't going to argue with the man that had just beat the shit out of me.
3. Leon was a blue eyed, auburn haired God, who offering me a bed in his house.
Would you have said no? Yeah, that's what I thought.
"I don't... have three reasons. I was.. I was just tired okay." I finally said.
Riku didn't press, oh but he was thinking about it.
"I think... I didn't like the fact that he was so cold." I turned and looked at Riku and noticed he seemed startled that I had turned around. He averted his gaze just slightly. I sighed inwardly.
"I'm so used to people... being nice to me... instantly warming up to me because of my boyishly cute face and retarded grin... I just.... I wanted to find out how someone so beautiful could be so cold...."
Riku rolled his eyes but remained silent. He wanted me to go on and was saving his comments for once I was finished.
"So there I was.. alone in this still strange mans house. I wasn't exactly comfortable... but... I was to tired to care about any danger." Riku scolded me with a glare.
"Yes I know... I was to trustworthy... I've always been like that. You hate that about me don't you." I knew the answer was yes. But Riku wouldn't say he hated anything about me. I really didn't know if he really did. I guess he loved me that much.
Yeah...
"That's where it started...." My playful tone had disappeared, I'd been.... joking mostly with a lot of my story telling so far, trying to lighten the mood. But I couldn't joke around this. It wasn't funny and I was ashamed of myself because of it. Riku seemed to notice my change in mood too because he was suddenly staring at me again.
"Leon.... was warming up to me. Not in a sweet gentle type of way. He was training me, teaching me about various weapons and defenses. It was his way of being nice. He never told me I did good or that I was improving, he just kept pushing me. I found myself eager to hear his words of encouragement. I wanted him to tell me I was getting better. I was craving his approval.... One day... before I was about to set off and see what was past the Deep Jungle's warp hole, Leon came up to me in the secret training area and... he kissed me..."
Riku closed his eyes. Silence.
I was starting to worry about his lack of response.
"I don't mean a peck on the lips..... He was... I could taste the nicotine on his tongue... That kind of kiss." I cringed when I saw Riku grinding his teeth. He wouldn't have any left at the rate he was doing that.
"Want me to stop...?" I asked softly and stared at the far wall. I saw Riku shake his head out of the corner of my eye.
"The... fooling around between us continued. We would kiss... touch... rub... Er... not that okay... but it was getting there, almost all of the time. I won't lie, I was kind of enjoying it." I was feeling suddenly very hot and embarrassed telling my boyfriend this. For all Riku knew, a few hours ago, he had been the first person I'd ever done anything with.
Well, he had said tell him everything.
"I can't... get mad at you about that..." Riku was speaking softly and what sounded like, very forcefully. He was trying to not let this get to him. But like he'd said, he couldn't get mad at me. We hadn't been together. Hell... I hadn't even known I liked boys... or that Riku had been in love with me. I think he was just mad that I'd never told him this before.
"You were... 14. Your hormones were out of control... I know... what it's like. So you and Leon were.... exploring. Even so... what does this have to do with him ra...."
"I'm getting to that..." I cut him off before he could say that word. "...What do you consider rape? Riku." I was trying to stall again and this suddenly popped into my head. I say Riku flinch slightly at the sudden and disturbing question. Oh.... maybe I shouldn't have asked it like that.
"When you say No... and... the other person doesn't stop." I eyed him curiously. He hadn't sounded to sure about his own answer. Oh shit... I was digging a grave for myself I knew it. And I had no right to ask him some of the question I was about to... considering what had just happened to him.
"Saying No. Is that it, is that.. really enough?"
"Why wouldn't it be." Riku hissed at me. I jumped just slightly. Okay, quite while your ahead Sora.
"What if you don't say anything at all...?" I asked beside myself.
"Then it's still NO!" Riku's eyes were psychotically large. He turned so he could see me without craning his neck and his chest was heaving. I found myself getting nervous.
"I.... was only asking...." Riku was standing now and I backed away from him. He just... he looked crazy to me for some reason.
"You said NO and he didn't stop!? Is that it?" He was just barely yelling at me. I shrank away from him shaking my head.
"I didn't say no." I whispered meekly. Riku's eye's were darting back and forth across my face like he was watching cars speed down the highway.
"Then you were silent?" He breathed and grabbed my shoulders. I looked down and he shook me sharply, scaring the hell out of me. I looked up and bit my bottom lip.
Tears filling my eyes..
Fuck...
"I..... I said..."
Yes.
"Yes."
Riku's face went completely slack, his pupils dilated to little black dots, he dropped his arms from my shoulders, and he backed away from me and sank onto the bed. I didn't know what to say to him at that moment. I had just admitted to him that...
"You... weren't my first...."
He didn't look up at me.
Extended silence.
"....Leon... had come back from training. He was tired, sweaty, ....and... I was starting too like him a lot. You could say we were.. together... but none of the others knew about us.
He had just finished his shower when I came into his room. I'd missed him during the day and went to kiss him. Yes... we were... close..."
Oh... God I can't believe I'm about to say this.
"Leon and I...hadn't really talked about sex much. I think he just didn't... think I would want too so he never brought it up. He isn't much of a talker anyway.... I just knew that on that night... I wanted him. I was depressed, alone, frustrated because I couldn't find you and....Kairi... I was desperate Riku."
I started to sob at how... whorish I sounded back then. It had seemed like a good thing to do at the time. I'd had no prior sexual experience's but I knew Leon would teach me, that he'd guide me through things.
Yeah right...
"So... he fucked you then." It wasn't a question. Riku was just trying to get to the point. He had gotten up and I hadn't noticed. He was standing right over me again. I don't know why but I sank to the floor and covered my face. I don't know what Riku was doing but he asked me.
"You started it? You made it happen then?"
"I kissed him." I groaned not uncovering my face."
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
"....and you said yes..."
"I... told him... I was ready..." I heaved.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
"...was..." Riku's voice cracked and I looked up. His eyes were sparkling with unshed tears. His face was a portrait of sadness.
I felt so terrible just then.
"...was he gentle with you...?"
"no..."
"So it hurt?"
"..yes...."
He was always worried about me. I wouldn't lie to him.
"....was there blood...?"
"... yeah..." Riku... stop....
"...did he say he loved you...?"
Riku....
"...no..."
"But you said yes."
God... don't do this to me.....
I nodded. Riku's lips moved a few times but nothing came out. He bit his lip and tried to speak again. A pained high pitched squeak left his throat before any words came out.
"He raped you." His words were final. I was about to argue with him but he pointed at me and shut me up.
"You... were... 14 fucking years old! So WHAT, If you said yes. You didn't know what the hell you were talking about. Leon took advantage of you. That sick bastard knew that you were lonely and he...." Riku looked up at the ceiling.
"I'm gonna kill him...." He whispered. The way he said those words struck so much fear in me at that moment that I lost my breath momentarily. I wanted to tell Riku no, not to do that, but I was just so scared of him right then. I was scared at what he do once I'd told him the rest.
"...more then once..." I wasn't rubbing it in his face. His head snapped down from him gazing at the stucco. His eyes asked me a silent 'what?'.
"More..." He choked.
This is where it got bad.
"I.... didn't say anything those other times...."
Riku paled. I kept going. "He got abusive. He'd hit me or shove me and hold me down. I told him no once... and he left me with a broken rib...." I took a breath. If I could just get this out fast....
"The... sex got rougher... I'd be in the shower and he'd come in and... take me... I'd be asleep... he'd hold my wrists together so I couldn't fight back. He even... once across the kitchen table...." I paused and caught my breath. "He told me why he'd done it.... He said I was a whore, to him, and everyone around me. I lived to please people... I wanted to make them happy... that's why I didn't fight back. Because I felt he was somehow... right about that.
Riku was pulling at his hair and murmuring curses and vile ways he'd murder Leon. I knew he was very serious and he was going to hurt himself pulling at his hair.
"Riku.." I was up and pulling him into a hug. He was gripping against me like I was a life supporter, looking hauntingly into my eyes.
"How could you let him do... why didn't you say....I feel sick...." Riku slumped to the floor. I followed him.
I know.... he was feeling all of this. He could probably see it in his head. He was thinking back to all of the times he'd never asked me if I wanted to make love or not. All of the times he just kept going even though I wasn't really participating. And he was seeing each and every time Leon took me against my will. The force he used, the threats. It was eating away at Riku that he hadn't been there to save me. I didn't blame him. I'd gotten myself into that mess. I never should have led Leon on like that. That's why I'd gotten over it so quickly. I was still bothered by the fact that Leon had taken me against my will. But I blamed myself. That's... why it didn't bother me so much.
I'd asked for it.
"He took us both Sora...." Riku was barely speaking. I knew he meant the rapes. It was different for Riku. I know he hadn't wanted what Leon had given him.
"I'm sorry Riku. This wasn't supposed to happen. Leon told me he wouldn't hurt you."
I was apologizing for causing him this pain.
"This is my fault...."
Riku was rocking back and forth and cradling his head. He stopped suddenly and winced painfully before balling up and cradling his abdomen. "ah...god..." He breathed painfully and closed his eyes. We sat in silence for a time and I let him cry silently. It felt weird... how easy it was for me to tell him everything now.
I mused....
"You know... it did feel good one time... and I called out your name. I think Leon hit me hardest that time.... I lost a baby tooth.. Yeah. He was so mad that I was thinking about you when he was the one inside of me."
I just had to let Riku know that. Weather it made him feel better or not.
"He told me... you only loved me for sex Riku. That's why I wanted to stop for a while. I had to prove him wrong."
I was a fool for believing Leon. I was scorning Riku's love for me over absolute bullshit. Leon hadn't known anything. The man had been jealous of Riku before he'd even met him. He was and forever will be alone because he is cruel, uncaring, abusive, and just...sad... his entire existence is just shameful.
"I'm sorry for believing what he said."
Riku didn't look at me. I could tell he was thinking about that.
"I'll be quiet now..."
And so it was quiet. For some minutes, then an hour, then 3. I realized that Riku had fallen asleep balled up on the floor. There's no telling how long he's been awake. I picked his head up and laid it on my lap. He whimpered slightly and I couldn't help but wince. It was about 4 o'clock now. Still raining outside. I leaned back against the bed and dozed off. I was asleep for at least 3 hours. The talk, the crying, the yelling, the drama had drained me. At about 6:45 I blearily woke up. Riku was looking at me and I gasped slightly when I saw him. He was deathly pale with bags under his eyes. And he was trembling.
"He was my first.... Sora...."
Not only had Riku been raped his first time, but he would forever be stuck with the vision of Leon.... desecrating him like that. He'd remember his first time all too well. Just like me...
I fucking HATE Leon!
"I don't wanna stay here....." Riku whispered softly.
I smiled sadly at him and pulled him into a hug, caressing his head.
"Then we won't." I said simply and stood up. I had to talk to Cloud about something.
No matter what it took, I was not letting Riku stay in this house. And we weren't coming back. I hadn't finished my story.... not all of it. But it could wait. I just couldn't bare to tell him anymore. He was trying so hard to be brave for the both of us. But I could see the pain literally devouring him. Riku had never been physically vulnerable a day in his life. To have his control over his own body so easily taken away... It was worse then death to him.
He would have rather died...
I didn't even know if Cloud was still in the house. He hadn't bothered us once the whole time. I walked down the hall with a new found determination. I would protect my Riku no matter what. I'd take him somewhere safe.
"Cloud."
He was sitting on the couch reading the newspaper. He turned to me and smiled.
"Were you guys asleep?" He asked rather quietly. I smiled back slightly and nodded.
Cloud sat down his paper as I walked around the couch to stand in front of him. He was gazing at me questioningly.
"What's wrong?" He finally asked.
I took a deep breath. I'd just say.
"Would it be okay if Riku and I stayed with you for awhile?" I paused. "I mean like.... for a year or so....?"
To Continue.
Good, Bad, Review Please :)
Things to come.
2 months later.
Sora and Riku are now coping with their rapes together but it's starting to tear them apart. They've taken up residence in Clouds 2 bedroom apartment downtown. Riku is depressed and suicidal and Sora doesn't know how to help .Cloud is oblivious to the fact that anything is seriously wrong, but he suspects. Aeris gets cussed out for keeping Sora's secret, and Leon has disappeared. Oh yeah, Cloud has a new boyfriend. Wait till you find out what he's like.
Err.... still no real sex.... :P