--None of the Characters belong to me. © Square Soft
Took me long enough huh? :P:D
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Chapter 18
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Will you still love me, once you really know the real me...?
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Sephiroth
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I don't think it's healthy to be feeling this... awkward... around someone I almost slept with. Someone one I'd been living with for almost 2 weeks. It's been.. a long time since I felt this uncomfortable.
Here we were, in the car, in absolute graveyard silence, minus the crickets, much closer to each other then I really wanted to be at the moment. Riku hadn't said a word since we left my apartment. I really hadn't said anything either... besides telling him to put on his seatbelt...
What was there to say?
I know without a doubt I just made the BIGGEST mistake of my life.
I'd hurt not just myself, but Cloud and Riku.
I'm sooooo going to Hell for this....
I let things get out of hand..... WAY out of hand...
I should have never agreed to do this in the first place. What the hell was I thinking? I knew damn well this kid had a crush and me and that...
"....I'm.... really sorry...."
Riku's voice was soft and muffled. He was facing away from me, hiding behind his mussed up white tresses. I watched him for a moment before quickly averting my eyes back to the road before I had a wreck. Why was he apologizing?
"I... don't know what came over me... I couldn't help myself... I was just tired of... hiding how attracted I was to you..."
I raised an eyebrow beside myself.
"Was?"
The word slipped out of my mouth before I could stop it. This was going to be interesting. Well... at least we were talking now.
"... Still am... but not so much... anymore..." Riku turned to look at me then and I noticed how tired he looked. We really hadn't gotten any sleep tonight and it was almost 2 in the morning now. I started to tell him to just get comfortable and sleep until we reach Cloud's place. But the look on his face told that what he was about to say couldn't wait until later.
"Sora told me a while back that he felt you were a threat to him..."
I raised both eyebrows. Why would Sora say something like tha.... uhaha... don't answer that...
Riku looked down at his folded hands and frowned before he went on.
"I was so mad at him when he told me that too. I felt like... he didn't trust me or something... That he had so little faith in me that he thought I'd run off with any guy with big.... uh.. assets..."
I wanted to laugh. But this wasn't supposed to be a humorous moment was it?
"Point is.... how could he be so untrustworthy of me? I've done nothing in the past.... like that to give him reasons to think that way.... I thought I'd proved how much I loved him already...
I kept my mouth shut and continued listening.
"But I thought... why do I have to be so perfect for him... I should be the one feeling suspicious of him. He never told me about his relationship with Leon until I got raped... How could he keep something like that from me... And act like it was none of my business...?"
Still I kept silent.
"Sora's so.... I don't know... Fake."
Riku looked at me when he said that word, his gaze asking if that was the best word to use to make his point. I just nodded. I knew what he was getting at. And I'm glad he'd noticed it. Kept me from having to say it out load.
"Sora acts all helpless and sweet... and innocent... But deep down... he's... just as... screwed up as the rest of us..." Riku paused and looked out the window again.
"I always felt like I had to protect him from everything... and everyone. And I went out of my way to make sure no harm in anyway or form came his way.... I doubted Sora's abilities to take care of himself.... because he's just so fucking nice....
Riku blew in exasperated breath through his bangs before going on.
"Back on the island... He's was everybody's golden ray of sunshine. He smiled no matter WHAT was going on. I mean... older kids used to pick on him because he was smaller then them... They'd trip him, shove him, one of the fuckers even punched him in the chest for no reason...and do you know what he did? He got up, dusted himself off and smiled."
Riku jumped slightly in his seat out of barely restrained anger. I'm glad he has his seat belt on. I could tell just remembering these things was bothering him greatly. Sounds like Sora was a very passive person... He still kind of is now...
"He never stood up for himself to anyone... not even to me. I never did anything to hurt Sora though. A few times I'd play tricks on him... because he was so gullible... but I never hurt him... He was my best friend and I'd do anything for him...."
Riku fell silent for a moment and I wondered if he'd grown tired of telling me his thoughts. When he spoke again his voice sounded sad, broken, and almost on the verge of tears.
"He stood up for Leon.... He keeps apologizing for Leon.... He'll take up for a man that abused him, molested him, raped me, tried to kill his friend, killed a bunch of innocent bystanders.... but he'd never take up for himself..." Riku covered his face and sighed.
" I don't get it..." Riku looked at me again and I gave him a quick glance.
"Sora... actually... got mad at me for calling Leon a bastard..."
I won't say anything.... not yet...
"What is it about Leon that would make Sora... allow such horrible things to be done to himself..."
I blinked. Was that... a rhetorical question...? Was it even a question?
Riku was looking sternly at me and I could tell what he'd say next would probably make me hit the breaks really hard... Maybe cause an accident... It was his last... statement that was bothering me.
"I read Leon's diary..."
I didn't hit the breaks! Yay! I just lowered the window really fast. I was having trouble breathing all of a sudden...
"Really..." Was all I could manage. FUCK! I thought I'd hidden that thing....
"I guess I should ask you were you got it and why you had it.... And then I should ask why you didn't tell me about it...."
I looked at Riku, guilt and apology crossing my face. I couldn't explain myself out of this one.
"I'm not going to ask.... because I don't care how... not anymore..."
Riku went silent again. For a longer duration of time. I was about ask him how he felt about the things he'd read in the journal but he suddenly perked up again.
"Can you pull over... I'm... not really in a hurry to see Sora yet... besides.. I still wanna talk to you about something..."
I was surprised and couldn't hide it. I pulled off of the next intersection from the freeway and parked in a 24 hour grocery store parking lot. Riku unhooked his seat belt and turned his whole body to face me. I unbuckled but didn't look in Riku's direction. He figured I was listening.
"I guess I should be mad huh...?" Riku was playing in his hair again. He was nervous. I picked up on that habit a long time ago from him.
"You have every right to be. I was wrong for keeping something that important from you." I sighed and rubbed at my temples. I think I'm getting a tension headache.
"Does Cloud know about all of that...? About what happened to Leon..?"
I shook my head. I saw anger flash in Riku's eyes just briefly.
"So... both of you... knew this... but.... Do you guys feel sorry for him now?"
Riku's voice shook as he spoke. I could tell he was extremely upset and was forcefully trying to keep his temper in check. He didn't have to hold back for my sake though.
"Feel sorry....?" I said slowly. I wouldn't say that. I did pity Leon. He was... a sorry excuse for a man now. A long time ago I did feel sorry for him.... But... I went through nearly the same thing and I was 5 years younger then he was when it happened to me... You don't see me running around raping and almost killing people. Leon was out of control.
"No. I don't feel sorry for Leon. I think he's pathetic actually. But... you had to be there to understand just what it was like... I can't explain or apologize for Leon... For Squall...."
I turned and looked at Riku and winced internally at the appalled look on his face. I finished my sentence though.
"I.... understand where he's coming from.... Riku..."
Riku blinked several times, his pale sea green eyes were wide and utterly confused. I frowned and mentally kicked myself for unintentionally revealing some of my past. He was going to ask me about it now I knew.
"Had to be there....?" Riku said slowly. Those words seemed to sink in and he gave me a wide horrified stare.
"Yes...." I closed my eyes tight as the mental images of that hellish night replayed in my mind. I could almost feel the blows... I could smell the blood... I could hear his pained pleas for mercy...
Squall... I tried to help you...
I really did...
"Seph.... tell me about yourself... I hardly know anything about you... Did you.. know Leon back then...?"
Riku stuttered over his words. He seemed reluctant to ask me about such personal things.
I owed him this at least. Oh boy... where to begin...?
"I..." I started then closed my mouth quickly. I realized something very horrifying to myself. I'd... never told anyone about my past before.... not even my own parents.... The only person who knew about it was Zack... because he'd been there to witness it....
"Seph...?" Riku asked in worried tone. I gave him a slight smile to reassure him that I was okay... I was really... but kind of scared too...
"I used to be in the military...." I started again. I didn't stop after that. Once I'd finished retelling my mid-teenage-life-crisis I went silent. Riku was staring blankly out of the front window with his mouth gaping open. He looked to be in disbelief.
"...How... how did you... manage to... deal with all of that?" He asked breathless. I had to think about that for a moment. How had I? I really couldn't remember... I mean... I went through a stage of rage, self destruction, depression... I just came out of it okay. I had Zack there with me to help me deal....
"I just... wasn't going to let it control my life I guess. I had friends who were there for me... I just refused to let them win... Them, as in, my attackers."
I sighed and rubbed my hand across my face. I was suddenly very tired.
"But it's not like that for everyone. Some people just can't let it go...." I added after a moment.
They won't let themselves heal...
I didn't want Riku to be like that. And he was doing his best to cope. He was trying to take control of the situation so he wouldn't feel helpless anymore. I was proud of him for that. He may have not had the best ideas to get better at first, but now he's on somewhat the right track.
"Seph... are you talking about Leon?"
I simply nodded.
"So... you knew Leon before he.... Before now...?"
I nodded again.
"Were you... friends with him...?" Riku asked timidly.
I laughed slightly, shaking my head.
"Um, no. I don't think he even really knew I existed... He's older then me. I was only 14 back when all of that happened. I was a little kid in his eyes...."
Riku closed his eyes.
"And.. you saw his boyfriend do those terrible things to him..."
I nodded very slowly this time and gave Riku a weary glance.
"I lost faith in our justice system that night.... Hmph, bastards laughed at me. They thought I was making a prank phone call...."
That left a bitter taste in my mouth. It was because of that fucked up stunt by the police that I joined the military. I was so tired of having to depend on other people to protect me and people I cared about. I'd do it myself. I'd... protect Squall.... Imagine being 14, calling the police to report a domestic dispute, and being told two faggots fighting isn't considered abuse.....
Yeah.... Makes me want to vomit...
"....This is so unfair..." Riku said suddenly. I was snapped out of my thoughts by his comment and gave him a confused look. What was so unfair?
"I... I can't even hate Leon anymore now... Everyone's going to expect me to feel... sorry for him being abused by his boyfriend... They're all going to say he has a good excuse.... for raping me..."
"Riku, no. That's not true." I started reassuringly. I for damn sure didn't feel that way.
"That's Sora's reason!!"
I closed my eyes and ran my hands through my hair. Riku was right. I knew it, Cloud knew it and Riku did too now. It was all apart of Sora's grand design to help Leon over come his past and trust people again. But it had backfired beyond repair. Leon was everything but over his past. He was practically living in it all over again....
"I can't believe he'd do that.... I'm starting to think that Sora.. was actually glad that Leon raped me... That was his way of punishing me for what I almost did 2 years ago..."
I frowned at how true that could really be. It was extremely cruel if it was Sora's true intentions.
Riku's was practically pulling at his hair now.
"Sora can look me straight in the face and still say Leon's not a bad person. And maybe at one point in his life he was a good person. But not now... I could understand if he'd done this only once... then went and got help for it.. But to keep going... To keep following an endless path of destruction...."
Riku growled and shook his head a few times.
"So having an abusive boyfriend makes Leon's actions okay?! What if I started going out killing and raping people!!? Would Sora feel sorry for me? Would he forgive me? Would he.... would he let me hurt him the way he let Leon...?"
I shook my head, really to myself, at Riku's outburst. I didn't know how to answer him because I wasn't Sora....
"What else do I have to do.... to show him how much I love him..? I tried to let it go... but I can't... Every time I close my eyes... he's there... I can still feel how much it hurt... I can still feel how scared I was... I begged and pleaded for him to stop... I kept asking myself..., 'What did I do to deserve this?'"
Riku was sobbing now. I grabbed his shoulders and forced him to look at me.
"Riku, you didn't do anything. It wasn't your fault." I said sternly. Riku had suddenly taken 50 steps back in his succession to recovery. This was not good... Not good at all.
"Does Sora really hate me that much... for what I did...?"
Riku lowered his head and bawled into his hands. I was at a total loss for what to do next. I hadn't been ready for this.... I thought Riku was past all of this...
" I'm so sorry for hurting him, for hurting Kairi, for causing so much trouble. I've asked for forgiveness a thousand times, and I've done everything I could think of to make amends... I just... don't know what to do anymore...."
I couldn't hide how sad I felt for Riku right now... Poor kid...
"I wish.. I could tell Leon... how sorry I am that he had to suffer like that...."
My eyes went wide. What did Riku just say?
"No body deserves to go through what he did.... Especially at the hands of the person you love with all of your being.... but... that doesn't give Leon the right to hurt other people..."
Riku's sobs died down a bit and he could speak a little clearer. I watched him with calculating gaze. What was he getting at here?
"I hate him. I'll never forgive him for he did to me. And I'd... like to know why he raped me.... Why he hates me so much.... for no reason I can think of..."
"He's in love with Sora." I said stiffly. Riku sniffled once then looked up at me. He didn't looked surprised though.
"He feels you're a threat. He doesn't think you're good enough for Sora after what you tried to do 2 years ago. You took away the only person he's let himself love in almost 10 years...."
Riku frowned at me.
"He doesn't trust you." I breathed.
I sat back in my seat with an exhausted sigh. Everything I just said put us right back at the starting point. Why rape Riku though? Why attack Aeris? Why kidnap some innocent kid..? Why go that far....? None of it made any sense. It was so... out of character for Squall... At least the Squall I used to know.
"We can go now...." Riku said softly, pulling his seat belt back on. I did the same and started the car up. In no time we were back on the free way headed to Cloud's place. Riku didn't say anything else during that time and we soon pulled up in front of the apartment building. I parked the car and we sat there in silence for a moment, neither of us making a move to get out of the car. I gave Riku a weary smile and took his hand. He looked pale all of a sudden.
"Riku... whatever happens, you have my support. I know Sora and Cloud are going to be upset. But they'll get over it."
Considering this was Cloud's fucked up idea in the first place.....
Riku gave me a stiff nod and made a move to open the car door. He paused for a moment then leapt out and ran to the side of the building behind some bushes. I was to surprised by his actions to move at first. Then I heard a gagging sound and groaned.
Poor kid.
I walked slowly around the corner and winced each time I heard Riku gag. I wasn't too eager to watch him throw up and turned my back once I'd reached him. I have to admit... I can handle blood and guts tossed all over the place in battle, but someone puking makes my insides turn. Maybe it's the smell....?
"You alright?" I asked after a moment. Riku had gone silent so I assumed he had finished tossing his cookies. He took a few shuddery breaths and panted a pained 'yes'. I turned around then and reached out to help him stand.
"I... just... felt kind of sick..." He stuttered and wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his sweater. I shook my head, frowned, and told him not to do that.
"Urg... clean up when we get upstairs alright."
Riku nodded. He looked deathly pale right now.
This was going to be... uh... interesting to say the least.
God help us...
Riku was still sucking in gulps of air by the time we reached the front door to the building. I rubbed his back and gave him a reassuring smile before hitting the buzzer under Cloud's name. There was a long silence before anyone answered. Cloud sounded surprised.
"He.. hello."
I'm sure he wasn't expecting anyone to ring his doorbell at 2 in the morning.
"It's me, Cloud." I answered softly. Riku was staring at the concrete trying to focus on his feet and get his equilibrium straight.
"Seph..."
Cloud whispered softly. He sounded short of breath and extremely surprised. He must have really missed me. I hope I can restrain myself from sprinting up the stairs once he unlocks the door. I missed him more then I could put into words right now. I was SO close too.
"Can we come up?" I asked a little unsure. Why was it taking Cloud so long to unlock the door? Was he mad at me for being so distant?
Oh no...
I bit my bottom lip and twirled a strand of my hair anxiously. Riku's habits were rubbing off on me. After another moment the soft mechanical buzzing of the lock unlatching rang in my ears. I pushed the door open and pulled Riku inside. We stopped for a moment again and he sat down on top of the heater in the mail area.
"...I don't think I can do this anymore..."
I gave Riku a slightly confused look. He could have meant a few different things by saying that.
"...It's kind of to late now, Riku." I said smiling, motioning to the fact they we were already here at Cloud's place. My heart wasn't in it though. I have a feeling Cloud's going to slap me once I tell everything that's been going on. I guess I deserve to be hit though.
"...You wanna know something...? This... has been bothering me for a while now..." Riku spoke softly and slowly, staring down at his lap. I leaned on the stair railing to listen.
"... I can hate Leon all I want... But if I do that, I should also hate myself..."
I'm getting a headache from frowning so much. Riku... seriously, come on. Enough of the self accusations already....
"...Leon... did all of those things for a reason. A reason he at least thinks is valid. To him... what he did was right... So, does what I did to Sora two years ago mirror what Leon's doing now? My excuse for hurting Kairi, and helping in the near destruction of our world, was because I loved Sora. I loved him enough... to almost kill the one person rivaling me..."
Riku paused and drew a breath. He looked like he was going to puke again. I looked around for a trash can and noticed the one nearby was to big for me to pick up and sit in front of him. Hold it in Riku. Hold it in. Urg
"I was so blinded by my... jealousy for Kairi that I almost killed a lot of innocent people... I was a fool though... I forced Sora to choose between his two best friends. But I couldn't help it... I just wanted to be with him so badly. I was so close too.... Then Kiari showed up and ruined everything..."
Riku raised his head to look at me and absently rubbed his temples.
"When you really think about it... I forced Sora to love me... in return for the safety of everyone he held dear...."
I should just hand over my Masters Degree in Psychotherapy right now. Riku was psycho- analyzing himself.... far better then I ever could. No where during my studies was this kind of thing mentioned. I had no CLUE what to tell Riku this time. If I came right out and told him he was wrong, he wasn't doing what Leon is doing, I may confuse him. But if I stay quiet, he might think I'm agreeing with him.....
Someone help me... seriously....
"... But... if I'm so much like Leon... wouldn't that make Sora love me even more? If Leon is really what he wants in a lover...?"
That's a trick question if I ever heard one.
"Unless... Sora really doesn't love Leon as much as he lets on... then he doesn't love me as much as I think he does..."
I don't think Riku's talking to me anymore.
"Wait.... Sora never came out right and said he loved... Leon... not the way he said he loved... me... So that means..."
Riku suddenly stood up and looked at me wide eyed. It took a minute for his words to sink in though. I was to busy thinking about my explanation to Cloud.
"Leon... ? Riku gasped. "...The way he's acting isn't normal for him... Why would he hurt his friends. Aeris, she's known him longer then all of us right? And it's not common for someone so mentally damaged to lash out at the people closet to him."
I frowned while I thought about this. Riku was right.... Why would Leon...er Squall do all those things? He's not that crazy.... and I honestly don't think he meant to hurt anyone....I know people change over time... but his behavior is just so.... out of character that I could swear he's acting like.....
Oh dear God....
Why didn't I see this sooner!
I gave Riku a dazed wide eyed look and he stared back at me in confusion. We'd both come to realize two different things, both involving Leon. I don't quite think Riku was on the same page as me though.
"Seph... what's wrong? You look kind of.... worried..." Riku said softly and walked up to me. I shook my head to clear my mind and took Riku's hand.
"I've got to speak to Cloud...." I said mostly to myself. If I was right about what I was thinking about, then this whole ordeal with Leon would be over. How could I have missed it in the first place? Sora had pretty much told me and Cloud about it. He probably didn't realize it though but he was a vital part to this whole equation. I couldn't tell Riku about my theory just yet though.... it might upset him... and make him lash out at Sora...
With a new found vigor I made my way, holding Riku's hand, up the stairs to Cloud's apartment.
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Cloud
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I was dozing off. The nice blissful embrace of sleep almost had me. Then I heard the buzzer to my apartment go off. I snapped awake and looked around. I noted absently that it was 3 in the morning. Who the FUCK is ringing my doorbell at this hour?
I dragged myself out of bed and headed for the door. About half way there I stopped though and thought about this.
Just who would be at my door at this time of the night?
Should I be scared?
Maybe someone got locked out of there apartment and forgot their key....?
Dude.... what if it's Leon...?!
I shook my head to rid my mind of sleep and ill conceived thoughts. If it was Leon I could take his skinny ass down no problem.
I think...
Not like he could get up here without me unlocking the door first anyway. I continued on my way to the door. Was almost there when Sora's soft, childlike voice made me freeze mid step.
"Stop acting so surprised." He whispered.
I didn't waste my time looking to see where he was. I knew very well by now. He'd turned into a little hermit, camping out in the corner of the living room. I looked at the wall in front of me and noted his shadow splayed across it. His unruly hair and slender frame were silhouetted perfectly on the wall.
"You already know who it is."
Sora went on. I was actually surprised to hear him talking so much. He hadn't said a word since he dropped that overly cryptic message of his unspoken love for Leon in my lap. I'd avoided talking to him after that as well. He'd freaked me out.
"You look like a wife that's been waiting up late wondering oh so desperately where her husband is. He hasn't called, or written in a very long time, and you're at your wits end with worry."
Sora laughed softly to himself. He thought that shit was funny. I started to call him something REALLY mean but put my temper in check. He was JUST a kid, I kept telling myself.
ONE more word Sora and Domestic Services will be dragging me off of you with pepper spray and clubs!!
I FINALLY reached the door and pressed the receive buzzer for downstairs. I asked 'hello' and waited for a reply. It was silent for a minute and then I heard a voice that made my heart do triple-spin-flips!
happiness meter, rising, rising, rising (It's not that that's rising, PERVERTS!)
SEPH!
internal feminine squeal
Yay!
I tried to get keep my happiness under some control. The last thing I needed was Sora making remarks about me hopping around like an idiot chanting Sephiroth's name. I did kind of feel like doing that. Ah heh...
I didn't hesitate unlocking the downstairs door and pretty much ignored whatever else Seph asked me. He could talk to me when he got upstairs.
I unlocked the door while I waited and stood smiling like a fool. I couldn't wait to see Seph's face. It felt like I hadn't spoken to him, seen him, touched him in.... years. I was so giddy that I was shaking.
I can't wait to hear what.... what he's been... up... to....
happiness meter.... dropping...., dropping....
I slumped, somewhat defeated. My happy energy had all drained away suddenly. Why was I suddenly so worried? I mean... Seph... was going to be in my arms in about 5 seconds. I should be running out of the door to meet him right? Then why do I feel so sad....? So scared...?
Something... bad is about to happen.....
I covered my face out of confusion. I was starting to feel like I'd have an anxiety attack.
What the hell...?
I heard Seph and Riku's foot steps scaling the last flight of stairs before they reached my door. I wondered why they didn't take the elevator. I opened the door and stood aside to watch them come in. I felt my heart and head flutter erratically when Seph came into view.
I couldn't seem to say anything....
Seph smiled slightly, but I noticed how forced it was. He looked somewhat distressed.
"...Hi..." He said just above a whisper and stood rooted where he was. I blinked and felt a sharp sting of sadness work it's way into my throat from his stiff almost cold 'Hi'.
Was that all he had to say?
I forced, I mean really forced, myself to smile. Oh it was fake. And Seph knew it too because he bit his bottom lip and averted his gaze from me. I noticed Riku standing behind him, trying to stay out of my line of sight. He was latching onto Seph like a 3 year old to their mother. I couldn't stop the glare that came to my eyes.
I hadn't seen Riku... in a while... He looked the same... a little tired maybe... My glare turned into a frown of disapproval. I was still mad at him for running away. I probably would stay mad until he gave me an extremely good explanation. I was tempted now to go off on him. But I noticed how Seph seemed to be blocking him from me and stopped myself.
"Can we come in?" Seph asked softly. For a minute I was tempted to slam the door in his face. Why was he acting so timid? He seemed almost guilty about something. I was starting to feel sick from worrying so much...
What the hell's going on?
"Yeah..." I said stiffly and stepped aside to allow Seph to walk by me. Riku seemed hesitant to come near me at first but I motioned him in as well. I couldn't help but glare at the back of his head. I wanted to smack him. For more then him just running away too.
God, let go of my boyfriends hand! What are you, a six year old?!
I shook my head to rid if of the vicious thoughts running rampant in it. I had no reason to be acting like this. Sure I was upset, sexually frustrated to the maximum, and worried out of my mind. Take a deep breath Cloud. Everything will be alright. Seph's here now and I'm sure he has a reasonable and very rational explanation for never calling, emailing, or stopping by to see me.
I closed my door and locked it. The click of the dead bolt was rather... ominous. Riku jumped.
There was a long dramatic silence and I caught myself gritting my teeth.
OKAaaaaaaY!!
"So..." I started and looked everywhere around the room but at Seph. I noticed Sora had gone back to his little hovel in the living room since he was nowhere in sight at the moment. I could only imagine what was running through his mind right now. Did he see Riku holding Seph's hand?
Did he even care?
"So...?" Seph repeated and I heard a bit of humor in his voice. That made me feel a little better. Relaxing a bit, I stepped forward, intent on embracing my lost love. He held out his arm to hold me at bay....
arrow to the heart, dies
Seph shook his head and motioned at Riku. I glared again at the boy and put my hands on my hips. Waiting.
"He got sick." Seph explained calmly.
Riku nodded a few times and closed his eyes. He... looked like he was going to be sick again...
"Cloud... I'm.. sorr..." Riku started. I heard the ominous gurgle in his throat and I stepped back cringing. Seph was slower to react. Riku stared in shock at what he'd just done.
"Seph... I am... so... sorry...." He gasped and hid his face in embarrassment. Man... Poor kid must be real nervous about something. I felt too sorry for him right now to be mad that he'd just soiled my carpets.
"I'll get it Riku." I said softly and went to the kitchen to get my handheld carpet cleaner. This was just... weird. Riku was a pretty tough kid. I'd only seen him cry once in the whole time that I knew him, and that was, I believe, the day after he was raped. Riku isn't the type of person to express his feelings, besides anger, to much. He doesn't like showing helplessness. I guess I can understand that to some extent. But Riku's a kid. It's okay to ask for help. He was kind of like Seph in that sense. I don't think Seph's ever shown being helpless around me.... or anyone really....
But... for Riku to be so nervous or scared that he'd throw up... Something must be seriously wrong.
Seph ushered Riku into the bathroom to clean himself and Riku up. He'd probably have to take his trench coat to the cleaners. The smell of puke was hard to remove.... My poor carpets.
This situation would have been funny had this been any other time....
I set to work cleaning up my carpets and gagged. This wasn't how I expected to spend my night.... I finished cleaning before Riku and Seph were done in the bathroom and went to check on them. Seph had finished wiping off his coat and slung it over the shower railing to dry. Riku was gurgling water over the sink.
"You okay?" I asked Riku and walked up to him. He glanced up at my reflection in the mirror and nodded before spitting out the water. His cheeks were bright red.
"I... couldn't hold it in...." He explained and gave me an apologetic stare. I shook my head. It was no big deal. Happens to the best of us.
"You want some warm ginger ale or something?" I asked, attempting to be helpful. Seph had his back to me while he ran the ends of his..... He has his hair tied back... I blinked and lost my train of thought... I'd... never seen him with his hair pulled back before... I hadn't even noticed it until now...
I didn't like it that way...
Seph gave me a sidelong glance before lathering some soap onto the ends of his hair and rinsing it. I'm assuming some of Riku's baby puke got on his hair. ICK!
Riku nodded in agreement to getting the soda and followed me out of the bathroom. He flopped down on his back on the couch and closed his eyes to rest. I got his drink and sat down across from him on the other couch.
"Take your time." I whispered to Riku while he sipped his soda. As I sat there watching him I noticed how he was trying really hard not to look me in the eye. What was he hiding from me for? What had he done besides run away?
Seph came out of the bathroom a little while later, towel drying the end of his ponytail. I frowned again at his hair being tied back. I'd have to fix that as soon as I got the chance.
"Feel better?" He asked Riku, but he was looking directly at me. I made a face at him and noticed he smiled slightly. Riku nodded a few times but didn't look up.
"Well.... are you going to be okay out here by yourself? I need to talk to Cloud about something."
silent gasp
There goes that bad feeling again. Seph wanted to talk? Why did he say it like that? Why was he asking Riku if it was OKAY for the two of us to leave him in the living room?
I gave Seph a surprised and utterly confused look until he came over to me and took my hand.
"Come on." He said softly in my ear. My whole body tingled from his voice and from his touch. OH, he wanted to TALK. Ah heh heh, I get it now.... I think...
I let myself be wisped away to my room without a second thought. Riku was probably gagging. But I didn't care.
Seph was mine again. We'd talk, make love, then everything would be okay.
I was so not ready for what he told me though.
------
Riku
------
I am so embarrassed!
I just... puked TWICE in front of Seph. And ALL OVER HIM!!!!
DIES
I can't believe I just did that. This is worse then me trying to jump his bones in the shower! I'm never going to live this down. And what's worse, I threw up on Seph in FRONT of Cloud!
stabs self
ARG! I couldn't resist stuffing my face into the couch pillow I'd latched onto like a security blanket. I screamed into it and punched it a few times.
I!
Am!
So!
Lame!
Seph must be disgusted with me. In one night I've managed to screw up enough for three life times. I can't believe I almost slept with... someone who wasn't Sora! But I wanted Seph SOOO bad! Enough to risk everything. Like... my failing relationship with my boyfriend.
My boyfriend...
Sora...
The one person I want to see more then anything... But I'm terrified to face him... What can I say to him...? I know deep down... he's holding some weird grudge against me.... I want to find out what it is... but first I have to apologize to him for what I almost did. I tried to sleep with Seph as a way to punish Sora for sleeping with Leon...
Sora wasn't with me when he slept with Leon, so it was.... okay I guess....
But.. I haven't broken up with Sora yet....
So what I almost did with Seph was cheating....
This is so frustrating... How can I even begin to apologize. I want to be with Sora. I always have. I love him with all of my heart and soul. Being away from him for this short time has given me a chance to think. I hope after what I tell Sora tonight that he can still find it in his heart to love me... and to forgive me...
"Pathetic."
I sat up sharply and stared around. I didn't even recognize the scratchy, almost exhausted sounding voice that spoke to me. I saw his eyes before I noticed the rest of his body. He was hiding in the darkness, watching me. Looking unnervingly like Leon used to.
"Hi... Sora..." I said softly and tried to smile. It fell flat though when he stepped out of the darkness.
Oh dear god... He looks awful and... he's really pissed about something.
"Hello Riku. It's good to see you again."
Sora's words were like DRY ice. My heart practically withdrew into itself at his tone. He sounded more like he wanted to cast a hex on me. One that would rip my eyes out and gouge them over hot knives.
shiver
I think I'll stand up now. Sora was looming over me and making me kind of nervous. He was staring at me so intensely that I almost couldn't match his gaze. This was going to be difficult.
"Why are you here?" Sora suddenly asked.
Man did he sound bitter. I guess I owe him an apology for not really explaining myself. I did just kind of get up and leave. And I didn't call or write. That wasn't completely my fault though. I wanted to contact Sora... I just... Even if I had I wouldn't have even known what to say to him.
"I live here." I said, in a matter of fact tone. It was true... And the best answer I could come up with. Sora scowled just slightly.
"I thought you wanted to get away from me."
Here we go.
I ran a shaky hand through my hair and looked around the room. If I didn't look in Sora's eyes I could keep my cool.
"Uh.. about that... I didn't really want to get away from you..... I just... needed time to think... I was really confused about a lot of things. And the way I... attacked you that night... I just couldn't bare to look in your face...."
Sora blinked really slowly but didn't say anything. I kept going.
"So... I mean... In all honesty you weren't helping. The way you threw yourself at me, practically forced me to fuck you and then you start raving about me wanting to be with Seph.... I was angry... At you for acting like that... and at myself for letting you goad me into responding." I was getting angry.
Sora started at me dumbstruck for a moment. I wasn't finished yet however.
"It's like...." I waved my hands frantically an a attempt to find the right words, "you... I don't know.... got suddenly jealous and freaked out. I wasn't sure if you were giving me head because you loved me or... because you thought Seph could do it better or something..."
I paused. Sora gasped deep in his throat and I saw hurt and anger flash in his eyes.
"I did it because I loved you!" He yelled, voice a pitch to high on the soprano note. And because of the hollow pain I heard in his voice. I snapped.
"Bullshit, Sora!"
He clamped his mouth closed, stopping himself from saying whatever it was he was about to say and stared wide eyed at me.
"You started tripping because you loved me.... Right.... So, you'll go out of your way to give your body to me when you think you have a challenge, because you love me so much, but when the time came that I needed your love most, that I needed your honesty, your shoulder to cry on, you turned your back on me."
I drew a breath and held up my finger to silence Sora. I. Wasn't. Done. Yet.
"Do you have even the slightest idea how much trouble you've caused? Leon could have very well killed me! He's still fucking trying too. He tried to butcher Aeris and then he kidnapped some innocent bystander. He could have very well already killed him!" "Squall wouldn't do that!" Sora yelled back me, almost cutting me of.
"Shut the fuck up, Sora!" I didn't yell, only spoke very slowly and calmly. That seemed to tear at his heart far more then me raising my voice. I was almost surprised I said that to him. But it was MY turn now. I was so pissed at Sora I couldn't even begin describe my level of anger right now.
"I came over here with every intention of talking this out and setting things right with you. I'm tired of fighting, yelling, and being scared out of my mind at the possibility of Leon finding us and slitting our throats. Being away from you gave me a hell of a lot of time to think I came to a very disturbing conclusion."
I paused for just one moment and took a shuddery breath. Sora was biting his bottom lip, nearly chewing on it, he was either really frightened of me right now, or so angry he couldn't react.
"Sora, I'm eternally sorry for EVERYTHING I ever did back then. I was a.... so fucking stupid... Too stupid to realize how much I hurt you. I forced you to choose between the lives of a many innocent people, Kairi, your other friends, over me. I was jealous beyond all conceivable reason, and I know exactly how you feel, thinking Seph might steal me away.... I felt the same way about Kairi."
I shook my head slightly so I wouldn't lose my train of thought. My rage was seeping away and I was feeling drained and really heart broken. There was this burning sensation in my throat, and an ache in my heart that made my chest hurt. I knew with my next words, I'd either get mad again, or burst into tears.
"I knew deep down you never forgave me for that shit I pulled two years ago... And I know deep in your heart that you believe Leon is only acting the way he is because of his past.... But Sora... never in my life have I ever wished anything bad on someone. Sure I wanted Kairi to just go away, but I never wanted her... hurt or... killed....:"
Fuck... my eyes are starting to water....
If I don't ask it now.... I never will...
"....Sora...."
".... Are.... are you glad Leon raped me...?"
There... I said it.
Sora looked at the floor and frowned.
"I...." He started.
Sora looked up at me and to my utter surprise, he smiled just slightly.
"I wanted to hurt you... the way you hurt me... But I couldn't bring myself to do on my own... But I knew... somehow you'd get what was coming to you... Riku..."
I felt like I'd faint.
I couldn't believe it.
It was one thing to think Sora felt this way, but to actually hear him say it.
"Everybody always loved you Riku.. You were so perfect. Good grades, you were good at sports, you were good at martial arts. Everybody looked up to you. You were the perfect role model for everyone...."
Sora sneered.
"I was always being compared to you. "If only you were as nice as Riku." "Riku always helps out, all you do is lazy about." "Riku's always on top of things, he so responsible, he's so handsome, he's so respectful, he's so fucking perfect!"
Sora took a deep inhale and a stream of tears fell down his cheeks. "I was never good enough for anything!!" Sora closed his eyes but continued to speak. "No body really respected me. I was just a sweet goofy little boy with his head in the clouds. People only wanted to be my friend to get close to YOU! There was never anything just for me! My OWN god damn parents even compared me to you!"
Now... wait just a minute....How long has Sora been keeping this all inside..? I never knew he felt like this... It's not my fault everyone... Hold on....
Sora balled his fists and his voice raised a notch.
"I tried SO hard to keep up with you. If you did something I had to try and do it better! But I never could. Everything always came SO easily to you. You never even tried to be good. You just were!"
Sora opened his eyes and gave me the most hateful look I'd ever seen on his face. He didn't even look this mad when I told him I'd been raped. Further evidence the was happy it happened. Little bas.... holding his tongue
"All of this IS YOUR FAULT RIKU! Leon raped me because I was fucking stuck here in this hell hole of a town ALL alone. If you'd never ever suggested that stupid adventure bullshit I'd be at home right now with my mom and dad, totally happy with my meager existence. But like the dumbass little fool in love I was I followed you into oblivion! And for the FIRST time in forever I was chosen to be the greatest.... and even then... it was a hand me down for you!
Sora advanced on me then and I had to take an involuntary step back. I thought he was going to hit me. I was too shocked to really say anything back to him....
"And you thought saying you were sorry was going to fix things! Why don't you go and apologize to Kairi, to my parents, to all of those people you put in danger!? Why don't you tell Leon your sorry for being so disrespectful to him, even before he ever touched you? Why don't you..." Sora clamped his mouth shut and his eyes looked around the room really fast for a second. Another wave of tears leaked down his cheeks and I suddenly wanted to stab myself.
"I... envied you Riku.... I was so jealous of you. You had everything I wanted, everything I always tried so hard to get.... You were everything I wanted to be... When I started to realize how much I really loved you.... I didn't even think.. I was good enough for you....
Sora stepped back and lowered his head, crying.
"God Riku.... it's not.. fair.... Why is it that.... everything I do upsets everyone...? I can't do anything right.... I.... was so close to letting go of the past. And then... you said those things about Leon that day... and I got SO mad... You had no idea what he'd gone through.... I thought my life was hard... Compared to Leon's it was an easy stroll...."
Sora ran both hands nervously through his hair and sniffled. I frowned and swallowed but kept my mouth shut. I was going to let him finish before I said my piece.
"....The first time.... Leon did rape me.... But I was too scared to do or say anything about it.... Then I found his diary.... and.... I guess I tricked myself into thinking it was okay what he was doing.... He'd been abused so badly.. I just wanted him to have a chance to..."
Sora sighed and rubbed his eyes.
"I... don't know what I wanted.... It was so many different things running through my mind...."
There was silence for a minute. I waited to see if Sora had anything else to say. I couldn't believe what I'd just heard. This little brat...
"Are you done?" I finally said. My tone was everything but sentimental and understanding. Sora looked up at me with wide confused eyes. He must have heard the anger in my tone of voice.
"That was a real nice little soap opera episode right there. I'm glad you told me all of that too. Because now I know I was right about how fucking spoiled and ungrateful you really are."
Sora gaped at me.
"You were compared to me huh?" I wanted to laugh really hard. This was kind of funny.
"Sora, do you know how old I was when I discovered I liked boys?" Sora took to long to answer. "10 god damnit. I was still a little kid!"
"Do you know how fucking crazy my mother is, no of course you don't, the bitch was so fucking fake around everyone. No one could have ever guessed she abused her only son. That she forced him to be something he hated. I was GAY before I reached puberty. My mother found out about that and do you know what she did!?"
Once again Sora took to long to guess.
"She beat the fuck out of me. I didn't even know women could swing so hard! Do you know how much my mother hated you Sora?! She despised you because you were the one I loved. YOU were the REASON I was a faggot! Imagine your own mother calling you that! A dirty cock sucking faggot every time you came within her line of sight."
"So which is worse Sora, getting smacked around by your lover, or by the women that gave birth to you?! Unlike me, Leon had a chance to walk away when he got ready to. Oh, Seifer may have gone after him, but Leon always had a way to break free."
I slammed my fist into the wall closet to me and watched Sora jump. I was so fucking enraged.
"It's not like... a woman in that situation. Not that women are helpless, but up against a full grown man in a abusive relationship.. it's either kill or die... Leon's a man! Don't give me that he had no choice bullshit. I was a child standing against my mother. I didn't have SHIT! Sora, I'm sorry Leon had a fucked up life, millions of other people do too. But that does not give him the right to go around hurting others."
Recalling my past was starting to get a little hard to take. My voice cracked and I viciously wiped away tears. I wanted this to end right now. I was tired of everything. I should have just killed myself when I had the chance and been done with it. Fuck... everything....
"Fuck.. what does it even matter anymore. I was perfect. For. You, Sora. My mother would take you away from me if I even put a toe out of line. I had to be good at everything. Everybody had to LOVE me.... So I could be with you. You selfish little bastard! I did everything for you! And because I fuck up once you hate me forever. You wished harm on me, and it happened, and you were happy..."
I sucked in a deep breath...
"I'm sorry your life was ruined because I was forced to be a GOD in everyone's eyes! I'm SORRY that by a flukey fucked up chance of fate, we ended up being mortal enemies! I'm SORRY that I just wanted to get AWAY from the Island of HELL and BE WITH YOU! I'M SO FUCKING SORRY, That... I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M apologizing for anymore...."
This is pointless...
"I'm done..." I said throwing my arms up. There was no point in talking, yelling, and screaming anymore. My throat hurt, I had a massive headache, I was tired..... I give up.
"I can't take this anymore. If you want to be with Leon so badly.... Go. To. Him." I gave a defeated sigh and turned to head for the door.
"It's over Sora."
Those three ominous fate shattering words, said by me... The words I feared over death to hear from Sora's lips. And I was the first to say them.
I heard him gasp and felt my emotions nearly overflow. I didn't want our relationshiop to be over. Sora had been my best friend since we were in diapers. Every pain I'd ever suffered had always been for him. I took the abuse from my mother, the sneers from people who hated me because they thought I was stuck up, I got into fights to protect Sora... Maybe I'm overly selfish... or just a damn fool... but I really doesn't matter anymore does it...?
"Again, I'm sorry for ever hurting you. I guess I was being to hopeful thinking you could ever forgive me... or love me enough to forgive me for what I did."
I left it at that and went to the door. It took me a minute to find the 'real' door knob through my blurry vision. I pulled open the door and couldn't fight down the sob that escaped my throat.
Christ..
This hurt so bad...
"Riku!" I heard Sora yell. The desperation in his voice made me pause. I didn't turn back to him though. If he begged me not to go I would give in.... I couldn't let that happen.
I didn't turn to Sora, I only shook my head slightly and heard a defeated sob echo across the room from him. Reality had set in for him. I was really leaving this time. And probably not coming back.
I pulled up the door behind me. If Sora said anything else I didn't hear him. I walked in a daze to the elevator and pressed the down button. I was crying I know... but only the tears were coming. When the elevator arrived I stepped in and leaned against the wall. I couldn't bring myself to move after that.... and I collapsed....
The doors closed with a soft jingling noise and I just laid across the floor. It was like every ounce of my strength had been snatched out of my body. I let go then..... and just cried and cried..... for a really long time.
--------
Cloud
--------
The moment my bedroom door closed I leapt into Seph's arms for a long embrace. I came to me just as eagerly this time and we just held each other for a moment. During that long beautiful moment I pulled the hair tie from his hair and tossed it aside, before running my hands through all of the gorgeous silky strands. I missed this SO much.
Seph laughed softly and tightened his arms around me. Feeling the pressure of his body, feeling the warmth of his skin, seemed to make all of my worries vanish into thin air. He was all that mattered right now. I nuzzled into his neck and breathed in the scent of soap and cologne. We fell back onto the bed and I couldn't help but giggle like a girl. I felt all warm and fuzzy.
For a long moment, we just laid there in silence. Perfectly content with just being so close to each other again. Seph shifted and brought his hands to my hips and nudged me so I looked up at him.
"Hmm?" I said absently, lost in the euphoria that was Sephiroth. :D
"You really missed me didn't you?" Seph asked with a smirk. I frowned, okay pouted, and poked him in the ribs. He grimaced but smiled none the less.
"Yes I missed you. Dumbass." I hissed and snuggled even closer to him, if that were possible. Seph laughed good naturedly and ran his hands through my hair. My frown disappeared instantly and I smiled to myself. I felt like a kitten getting spoiled.
"Cloud..."
Seph said softly, and his tone forced me to sit up quickly, worry etched into my face.
He gave me the strangest look before he sat up and pushed me off of his lap. I felt an arrow pierce my heart again, that's 2 in one night. Insert chibi Cloud crying
"Seph... what is it. You're acting... kind of weird..."
Seph ran his hands anxiously through his hair, and I noticed, to my frustration, that Riku had the same habit when he got nervous. Why was Seph, of all people, nervous?
"Are... you mad at me about something?.."
I can't believe I just asked that... I really sound like a girl now...
Seph looked at me over his shoulder and raised an eyebrow.
"No. Do I have something to be mad at you about?" He assured. I bit my lower lip.
"Uh... me suggesting you take Riku to your place and... yeah.. that..."
Seph groaned and stood up. He walked away from the bed and went to stand next to the window. The lights from outside cast his shadow across the room, over me, and seemed to make the air a bit heavier.
"Yes... that..." He said softly.
"Before you say anything Seph.. I'm sorry.. For ever dragging you into this whole mess. I should have kept it to myself, should have gone right to the police.. regardless of Rilku's protests... I keep calling him immature... I'm no better then..."
"Cloud."
I froze and looked Seph in the eye.
"Shut up for sec would you." Seph sighed wearily. I couldn't help but gape slightly at his words. He'd never told me to shut up before... I don't think he's ever said it... at least not around me... I'm scared... I really am...
"I refuse to sit here and let you blame yourself over and over again about something you had nothing to do with."
I blinked.... Okay..
"True, you suggested I take Riku to my place, in hopes that he'd get better. It's true you stated, rather idiotically, to help him by any means necessary. But it's false that I had to actually listen to you, and do what you asked."
I blinked again.
"I could have said 'no', that it was a bad idea to take a 17 year old boy, who'd just been raped, who'd just had a fight with his boyfriend, who had a crush on me, to my place. I never said no, or thought to say it, because I wanted to help."
I shifted on the bed.
"Cloud... I have my own mind... I love you, but your not such an influence on my actions that I'd do something crazy just because you asked me to. So STOP blaming yourself, okay."
I nodded, a confused smile on my face.
Seph closed his eyes really slowly and seemed to be forcing his voice to work. I have to admit it did hurt to hear his next words, but at the same time, I really didn't care... And that's because...
"I almost slept with Riku, Cloud."
I took a deep breath, waiting for him to finish.
"And when I say I 'almost', I mean.... we were naked, in my bed, and I was barely an inch away from penetrating him...."
I couldn't stop my eyes from widening, just the mental image.... Uh, anyway...
"We touched each other, all over. We kissed... the way you and I kiss... Riku sucked.... er... he did stuff to me that... sigh.... And it felt soo good, Cloud. I'm ashamed to say that I wanted to go on. I wanted to keep touching, and kissing, and then fuck Riku until... until... I guess until we passed out..."
Again, all I did was blink. A lot slower this time though.
"I let myself lose control. Not YOU. I'm a grown man, no one can tell me or force me to DO anything... I acted of my own accord and let things get... madly out of hand and I'm so...."
I stood up and crossed the room to stand right in front of Seph, he was ranting and raving on and on and didn't seem to notice me. He was just about to apologize when I grasped his face, shoved him against the wall, and kissed him with every ounce of my being.
I saw his eyes flutter closed, and he tried to resist me for just a moment, then he gave in. That proves I have more influence over him then he'll ever admit. grin
"So you wanted to fuck Riku?" I said softly, huskily, into to his ear. "So what." I bit his ear lobe gently enough to hurt, but not enough to be really painful. A shuddery breath left his lips.
"And you were so close weren't you?" Oh, this is fun. I don't care what happened 10 minutes ago at this point. All I want is Seph right now. All of him.
"You bad boy." I pulled back and licked just slightly at his lower lip. I wanted to laugh at the aroused fog that seemed to cloud his eyes. He was just a sexually gone as I was.
"You smell like him..." I said in a slight hiss. "..like Riku." But I wasn't mad.
"You smell like a baby." I started to pull Seph towards the bed by his shirt collar. He followed blindly.
"What you need to smell like, is sex, with me." I said and pushed Seph down on the bed. He gave me the cutest bewildered look I'd ever seen on his face before I straddled his hips. He hissed between clenched teeth when I sat, on purpose, on his delicate area.
I MISSED this!
"I could punish you for almost cheating on me. But then you could punish me for ever giving you the freedom to DO something like that right?" I nuzzled into Seph's neck and let my hands run under his sweater. I felt his hips buck up, so he could keep rubbing his arousal against me. I licked my lips before practically tongue diving into his waiting tender lips. His hands came up to run up my back and down my spine in caressing manner. It was taking an immense amount of will power for me to not just rip his clothes off and ride him like he was a wild bull.
That sounds like it'll be fun.
I'd managed to unzip his hooded sweater and ran my palms across the expanse of his chest, those rock hard abs, mmmm ripples, up the sides of his waist, to his nipples, then back down to the area just below his navel. I was about to slide my hand into his pants, just to feel how ready he was. Seph jerked stiffly and I knew he was just barely holding to any form of control he had left.
Oh yes, we were going to spend hours and hours making love over and over again. Until we pass out.
"Cloud stop..."
What the fuck did he just say....?
"Stop..." Seph said again. But a little sterner this time.
I pulled back and glared as hard as I could into his eyes. He was panting and gasping but also trying to push me off of him.
"Wait..." He slightly stuttered and sat up. I stayed on his lap though, dead set on having sex at some point.
Seph took a minute to gain control and I made sure I was sitting on his hard on just to keep it that way. Hard. He wasn't going to get out of this.
"I said... we needed to talk..." He breathed and looked up at me. I scoffed.
"Seph... I wanna fuck!" I almost yelled. GOD how I wanted too. To my surprise Seph started to laugh. I forced down on his crotch out of frustration. He hissed.
"Ow..." He breathed and glared at me. I bit my bottom lip and said.
"It's been weeks Seph. Weeks. I'm about to go crazy. Unlike you, I haven't had ANYTHING to keep my sex drive under control. You at least came close to getting laid this whole time... I've been so freaking worried I didn't even jerk off.!"
"Cloud.. ow... it's... okay, could you just get off my lap... That really hurts now..." Seph begged. I threw myself off of his lap and onto the bed and turned my back to him.
He laughed again, while wincing, and fixed his sweater.
"So talk.... god dammit." I snarled and hugged a pillow. Just in case I needed to punch something. I was so horny it wasn't even funny.
So Seph talked, a hell of a whole lot, about things I didn't really want to hear. But things I needed to know. He told me about Riku, how he's been coping. Then he told me about talking to Riku on the way to my place, how they had a revelation of sorts. How Riku helped him come to the conclusion that Leon was out of his mind, but we already knew that right? Seph realized Leon was a shizo, just like me and Sora had. Only, Seph was properly educated on the facts behind such an illness, and plainly stated Leon was really sick in the head.
"It's Seifer."
I raised an eyebrow.
"How do you know that?" I asked, my attention was all his now.
"I knew Seifer. About as well as I knew Squall...., which wasn't that much, but I knew him." Seph said and pursed his lips.
"You read Leon's diary, Cloud. You know how abusive Seifer was.... Leon's taken on his personality. How he attacked Riku, how he attacked Aeris, how he quite possibly attacked that missing boy... It all fits. Those are things Seifer would do. Now, he was crazy..."
I frowned. And Seph knows all of this.. how..?
"Like I said, I was around Squall and Seifer enough to know a fake relationship. In public, Seifer was the perfect boyfriend. But you could see just how terrified of him Squall was. Every time Seifer went to hold Squall, or talk to him, Squall would flinch away in fear. I never said anything because I was a kid, no body listened to me. And other adults were totally blind to all of those little details... they were all to busy dealing with other unimportant issues... Like social status... and shit..." Seph hissed...
I figured we were treading on a not too happy subject. I decided to cut it short.
"So now that we know, Leon is Seifer, or he thinks he is, we can call the police, tell them where Leon is and all live happily ever after."
"Call the police...?" Seph said softly. He gave me a weary look.
"Seph, oh my god... come on... We finally know what the deal is right? Let's just let the police handle everything now.. Like we should have done from the beginning!"
Seph frowned and looked away from me. "So they can shoot Leon down like a wild dog... So they can mutilate him without ever knowing why he's like this....?"
I recoiled slightly at the ice in Seph's voice. Why was this such a big deal to him.
"Seph... I know you feel sorry for Leon, that you feel bad that you couldn't help him when you were a kid... but you've got to..."
"What? Let it go!?"
That was the first time I ever heard Seph yell. It sent a chill down my spine.
"I'm not saying what Leon is doing is right. Yes, he's wrong for raping Riku, for hurting your friend Aeris, for... kidnapping that boy.. He's wrong for all of it... But Seifer was wrong for what he did too. All he got was a quick stab to the heart, and there, he's off the hook. But Squall, he has to live with the memories, the pain.. for the rest of his life. Seifer never apologized for what he did. Not even with his last breath! He cursed Squall for the rest of his life.."
I watched Seph pace around the room. He looked so furious that I was too afraid to go near him. What was this outburst all about.
"Seifer, that bastard had the audacity to look Squall in the face and say he loved him. He could hit Squall, rape him over and over and over again... but never even once did he apologize for all of the shit he did. Son of a bitch was so hell bent on making Squall's life miserable that he willed himself to LIVE through getting impaled...."
I sat up then, eyes wide and utterly shocked. Wait... did he mean...
"You mean... Seifer's still alive...?"
Seph stopped pacing and looked at me. His sea foam eyes were burning with... madness. This was the Seph I was always afraid to meet. The Seph of the past. That's why I never tell people about my past... I can't even remember much of it now...
"Alive? Oh no. He's good and dead. Which is far better then he deserves."
I sighed. I don't know why I was relieved to hear that.
"I made sure he was dead. I made sure he'd never hurt Squall again...."
My head snapped up to look at Seph again. That vengeful aura that had surrounded him just a moment ago had disappeared. He was back to himself again. But... had I heard him right...?
"W... what are you saying...."
Seph came to sit next to me on the bed. I had to resist the urge to move away from him. I was just... a little scared of him right now.
"I told you.. I was the one that called the police, right?" Seph asked me. I nodded.
"I saw the whole thing... I waited for Seifer to get home... this was a few hours after I'd tried to keep Squall for going home that night. I was worried, so I followed him home... just in case something happened. I was about to leave when Seifer showed up, drunk off his ass and falling over. I watched through the window. I could hear and see everything...."
Seph squeezed his eyes shut. I gaped in pure fear of this recollection. No. Fucking. Way.
"Squall begged and pleaded for Seifer to stop hurting him. I tried to call the police, I tried to tell them what was happening. Those fuckers HUNG up on me! What was I supposed to do, run in there and try and fight Seifer myself. I was scared as hell too! The way Seifer was hitting Squall... so much force.. he would have killed me if he'd hit me like that..."
I suddenly felt like crying. Oh my god.. Seph... Squall... oh my god...
"I cried... every time I heard Squall scream in pain... If I couldn't do anything more... I'd cry for him... and pray that Seifer didn't kill him... over something so stupid..."
I gasped, trying not to let my emotions overflow. Is this the first time Seph ever told anyone this? And was just a baby when he saw something so terrible happen...
"It went on for hours Cloud... By the time it went silent.. it was morning... I thought... Squall was dead.... I couldn't hear anything anymore. I snuck around to the back of the house and tried to peek in. At first I didn't see anything... And then Squall slammed into the back door, breaking out the glass. I was so shocked that I just stood there..."
Seph stood up again and this time he started to act out what he was remembering.
"It was so surreal. I'd been waiting for it for so long... like I was the one Seifer had been abusing. Watching that sword come down, it twirled 6 times before it descended. Just imagine... a pound of raw meat hitting the ground from 3 stories up... yeah, it sounded like that. I heard bone break.... And I was so happy...."
This was really freaking me out....
"And then Squall grabbed the hilt of the sword and impaled it further into Seifer's spleen. And he smiled. God, seeing him smile.. was like a breath of fresh air... And then it was gone... replaced by fear... Squall realized what he did and he ran away... right past me..."
I suddenly felt like I had to puke.... I have a bad feeling about what Seph's going to say next.
"He wasn't dead Cloud.... The cut was so clean... It only broke his rib cage... I know... I did research... Hahahaha.."
Is he laughing...? Oh dear god...
"I sat there and waited for him to die Cloud. He was twitching and gasping, trying to cling desperately to life. He'd coughed up blood and was bleeding so heavily that he probably would have died in a few more minutes anyway... But he was taking to long to just croak. I went and kneeled next to him and started to cover his mouth and nose, to suffocate him..."
I couldn't hold back my gasp this time.
"But he turned and looked at me. I saw my reflection in his eyes. I got so scared that I jumped away.... He was starting to sit up. I couldn't believe it. How the hell was he still alive?..."
I'm speechless right now.
"Little cock sucking bastard"... That's what he called me.... "You think you can kill me! Squall thinks he can get rid of me...?" He was pulling that damned sword out of his chest, coughing up blood the whole time. But he was still coming. "Squall will never get rid of me! He's mine god dammit. MINE!"...."
Seph turned around and looked at me.
"That was the first time I ever killed anyone."
I closed my eyes.
"Before Seifer could stand, I lunged forward and wrenched that blade out of him. I didn't even think, I just struck, lifting that sword with both hands, and all of the might my 14 year old body could muster I swung! I closed my eyes before the blade hit Seifer's body.... but I heard the thud... and felt it roll into my leg...."
gag
"When I opened my eyes.... his eyes were looking up at me... wide and surprised. Still I could see my reflection in them.... I wouldn't let him curse Squall, if he wanted someone to haunt, he could haunt me. I was in shock really.... I cleaned up the blood, amazingly none of it splashed on me... and wiped the hilt of the blade, to remove my finger prints as well as Squalls, with alcohol and left. I waited 2 days before I called the police to report I'd 'discovered' Seifer's body. I was the kid playing with his ball outside their yard.. I knew full well Squall was long gone."
I was still speechless. I just blinked several times and shook my head. So... well... man... what to say.
"I killed Seifer. Had it not been for me... He might have lived. But I can guarantee.. if he'd lived, Squall wouldn't be alive today."
And Seph was right. To my utter disbelief.
"Still wanna have sex?" Seph said, a bit of humor in his tone. He was trying to appease my unease. I shook my head slowly. Uh.. no.. at least not right now...
"So what now?" I asked softly... I was worried about the answer.
"Leon's a schizophrenic. He's got Seifer's personality. Hell... sounds more like he's possessed by Seifer. But you know me; I'm not one to believe in supernatural hokum."
I gave a stiff laugh, trying to calm myself.
"But now that I've put everything together it all makes sense now. Leon, or rather Seifer, isn't after Riku... well he is.. but Riku's not his real target."
I perked up and frowned.
"It's Sora then?" It has to be... Who else is there?
Seph nodded and then looked up at me, and I saw my reflection in his eyes. I gasped.
Oh.
My.
God.
"It's me." Seph said.
It was him.
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Author's notes:
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I. Am. SOOO sorry for the this super long wait. I've been so busy with school, art projects and other time taking things that IC just kept getting pushed aside. I thought about it all the time though. In my head, I have the rest of the story mapped out, it's the explaining it that's the hard part. I've got so much more I wanna tell. This story has... I don't know, turned into an epic novel of sorts. But I haven't forgotten about it and for damn sure will not let it die. So how was it? Surprised? I know you guys are about ready to kill me for not letting Seph and Cloud get their freak on. But all in due time. Really it's coming! So, as Riku and Sora's rocky relationship comes to a heart stopping end, how is everyone feeling? I'm looking forward to LONG reviews bashing me about being an evil cold hearted bitch who better put Sora and Riku back together ASAP. :P Revelation, after revelation. When will it all end?
points her make believe Gunblade
"BANG"
(hint, hint, wink, wink)
You'll see.
-Tata