THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to instruct, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.
By Helldragon4000
CHAPTER THREE: What Would You Do If You Were Omnipotent?
The wise author does not seek to render his characters invulnerable and godlike. Rather, he taks the time to point out their weaknesses, so when they rip the living shit out of a bad guy, it feels that much better.
"Aren't you supposed to be at school, Matt?" Tea asked.
Matt smiled. "Well, I had the feeling that something was going to go down, here on this street, at this time, against this pimply fool-" here Four Eyes snarled- "so I snuck out."
"I don't need to duel you, you moron!" Four Eyes snorted. "I'm after Yugi Moto to-"
"To take his Millenium Puzzle for some evil genius," Matt finished. "Yeah, yeah, we know. Look, kid, in order to get to Yugi, you gots to beat me first." Matt glanced momentarily at Yugi. "That all right?"
"Sure, why not?" Yugi shrugged.
"Take him down, Matt!" Joey shouted in encouragement.
On a silent command, the two duelists moved to their positions, a distance away from each other. Matt had produced his Duel Disk 2 from his backpack and was preparing his deck. Four Eyes was busy wiping his hands on his pants, greasy as they were from popping his pimples. After this little task, he slammed his deck into the deck recognition slot of the Duel Disk 2, trying his damndest to glare down his opponent opposite of him. With a floruish, both duelists launched the holographic projectors from the base of their dueling instruments.
"Let's duel!" the two shouted as the Life Point totals jumped to 4000 and the holo projectors flashed to existence.
Matt: 4000/Four Eyes: 4000
"I'll go first," Four Eyes sneered, looking down at his hand of cards (Burning Spear, Flame Manipulator, Tyrant Dragon, Salamandra, Molten Destruction). The nerdy duelist grinned as he took his card (Widespread Ruin). "I summon Flame Manipulator(900/1000) in attack mode!" In a burst of flame, the plainly clothed man appeared on the field, flames dancing about him. "Next," continued Four Eyes, "I'll play Molten Destruction, increasing the attack points of my fire monsters by 400 points!" Flame Manipulator (1300/800) smirked as the land around the two duelists transformed into blazing, molten rock.
Matt smirked back at the monster, even with the obviously fake lava flowing over his ankles. "Humph. I expected that you would use Molten Destruction."
Four Eyes grimanced for only a bare moment before regaining his composure. "Next, I'm placing one card face down!"
"Is that card Widespread Ruin?" Matt asked, arching an eyebrow.
"No way!" shouted Four Eyes. "How did you know that I was going to use that card?!"
"Just think of me as...all-seeing, I guess." Matt glanced casually down as his hand(Just Desserts, Dark Snake Syndrome, Mystical Space Typhoon, Giant Soldier of Stone, Cobra Jar). This was going to be fun; that he knew for sure. This feeling grew with the production of Matt's draw(Gravekeeper's Curse). "I use Mystical Space Typhoon to destroy your Widespread Ruin!" The duelist, adjusting his own, more stylish glasses, smiled as a storm materialized out of nowhere and atomized the face down card. "Next," Matt continued, slapping two cards down on his Duel Disk, "I play one card face down and a monster in defense mode(Cobra Jar)!"
"You won't be smiling for long!" Four Eyes declared as he drew his next card(Twin-Headed Fire Dragon). "All right, I'm sacrificing my Flame Manipulator to summon Twin-Headed Fire Dragon(2200/1700)! Prepare for your demise!" Golden lightning erupted from the Flame Manipulator, who promptly collapsed into a thundering ball of power. This sphere expanded rapidly, until the element of its composition switched from lightning to inferno, and the purplish-red dragon of two heads emerged from the blaze. Quickly, the creature's statistics changed to 2600/1500 due to Molten Destruction. "And now," Four Eyes shouted in evil glee, "attack, my Dragon! Twin Dragon Breath!"
With incredible force, two spears of flame exploded from the double maws of the dragon, slamming into Matt's face down defense monster. Briefly, the image of the Cobra Jar(600/300) appeared before shattering into the wind.
"HAHAHAHAHAHA! Feel the might of my Dragon! HUH?"
Four Eyes was reacting to a black-scaled snake, now coiled into a defensive pose. Matt smirked. "What, did my Poisonous Snake token(1200/1200) surprise you? You should know that when Cobra Jar is flipped, it creates a new monster for me, which I have placed in defense mode!"
The pimpled freak scoffed. "It doesn't matter. For all of your talk, you haven't damaged my Life Points yet, and your snake holds naught a candle to my superior Twin-Headed Fire Dragon! Make your move!"
Matt drew smoothly(Inaba White Rabbit). He realized all along that Four Eyes was going to bring out that Twin-Headed Fire Dragon. "I will in a minute. For now, I'm placing another monster in defense mode!" With this, he placed his Giant Soldier of Stone on his Duel Disk.
"If all you are going to do is lay defenses, you'll never win this duel!"
"Unless, of course, I do this!" Matt replied, pressing a button on his Duel Disk which responded in his face down card revealing itself. "My Just Desserts does 500 Life Points of damage to you for every monster on the field! But, since I'M using the card, it does 700 points for each monster instead!"
"WHAT?! HOW?!"
Matt folded his arms. "Because I'm good like that. Now my trap," the duelist proclaimed, "attack his Life Points directly!" A transparent, spiritual hand extended from the Just Desserts, slinking its way over to a horrified Four Eyes. He screamed as his pimples burst into oily volcanoes by the attack, dropping his Life Points severely.
Matt: 4000/Four Eyes: 1900
"That's weird," Yugi murmured. "For some reason, the effect was different."
"AND," Matt shouted, "I'm flipping my Giant Soldier of Stone(1300/2000) into attack mode!"
"How can he do that?" Joey asked as the rock marten materialized. "The Duel Disk is actually ALLOWING him to flip Giant Soldier of Stone as soon as he played it!"
Four Eyes was livid. "That's against the rules!"
Matt smirked evilly. "The rules don't apply to me! Now, my Soldier, attack the Twin-Headed Fire Dragon!"
"But you'll lose! My Dragon has 2900 attack points, and your Stone Soldier has only 1300 attack points!"
"Not so! Whenever I want to, my monster can attack with its defense points, and if its defense is higher than your monster's defense, then you lose FIVE-THIRDS of the difference in Life Points! ATTACK!"
Four Eyes wailed in pain as the Giant Soldier of Stone lumbered over to the Dragon and attacked, its stone sword crashing with full force through the creature, causing it to explode into shards.
Matt: 4000/Four Eyes: 1067
"Where did he get that rule?" Tristan wondered.
"I think he made it up," Bakura answered.
The evil duelist was sniffling in anger. There was no way he was going to let this invincible duelist defeat him! With silent fury, he took his next card(Chosen One), shaking in evil mirth. "Excellent! The very card I was looking for! This spells your demise!" Four Eyes regarded the still calm Matt with an malevolent eye. "All I need is Lady Luck on my side, and I will be victorious!"
Tea shook a finger. "I don't think Lady Luck would want to be on your side, you freak!"
The robed man sputtered. "Shut up, you bitch!"
"No, she's right," said Matt, pushing his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. "For in order to use the Chosen One you drew, you will have to chance a selection between the Tyrant Dragon you hold in your hand and the Burning Spear and Salamandra you possess as well."
"HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT?!"
Matt bowed curtly. "I'm psychic."
"You mean psycho," Bakura murmured.
"STAND THERE SO I CAN SMACK YOU UPSIDE THE HEAD, YOU DICKWAD!" Matt screeched. He immediately leapt toward a shocked Bakura, only to have Tristan and Joey interfere, grasping his arms so that he could not lash at the white-haired teenager.
"He may be all-knowing, but he's still sensitive," Yugi sighed.
"Well, it doesn't matter!" Four Eyes screamed, blasting the Chosen One card into a slot on his Duel Disk. At once, three cards appeared face down in a circular pattern, with a mask-shaped pointer in the center of the ring. "My Chosen One card will randomly select one of the three cards that I have placed on the field. If it selects my Tyrant Dragon, then he will be automatically summoned without a need to sacrifice!" Now Four Eyes grinned in a dastardly manner. "Once my ultimate beast emerges, you will fall before his fury! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Why is that evil lackeys laugh manically just like their evil genius masters?" Matt asked casually to his friends.
"Stupidity?" Joey offered.
"Pity?" suggested Tristan.
"Contempt?" Yugi mentioned.
Matt shrugged. "Probably all of those. Can I go now?" he whined to Four Eyes.
The pimply nerd shook his head. "Not until my Dragon reveals itself and destroys you!" At that, the mask spinner started, well, spinning. Even Matt had no clue which cards were where, and where which cards were. He watched, with curiosity for the first time, as the Chosen One magic card worked its, well, magic. Finally, the spinner slowed down, slowing until it came to a complete stop, pointing to one of the cards. Slowly it revealed itself for all to see.
Matt gasped as the Tyrant Dragon(2900/2500) was shown in all of his horrific glory. With this, Four Eyes cackled as the rest of the display vanished. "YES! The time has come! Come forth, Tyrant Dragon!" The monster's card dissolved into golden sparks at this command. At the same time, a humongous, brown-scaled dragon materialized, bearing its teeth at the easily bruised Matt, who grimanced more as the monstrosity's attributes jumped to 3400/2300.
For the first time since the duel, Matt uttered an explexitive. "Oh, shit..."
"'Oh shit' is right!" Joey repeated loudly. "There's no way that Matt's going to beat that thing! It's over! It's all over! He's doomed! DOOMED, I tell you!" Yugi and friends arched their eyebrows collectively as Joey fell crying to the ground like a baby, wrapped up in a fetal position.
"Well, that was unexpected..." Tristan said.
"ANYWAY," interrupted Four Eyes, his hands on his hips, "it's time for you to writhe in miserable agony, you exceptionally dumb lug! Tyrant Dragon, attack the Giant Soldier of Stone with Flames of the Cruel Monarch!" The dragon reared his head back, lunging foward with gouts of flame spilling from its maw. The rock warrior literally couldn't stand the heat; the thing soon melted into a pile of gooey crap, with the remnants of the flame continuing on to its master. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And now you'll lose 2100 Life Points!"
Matt: 4000/Four Eyes: 1067
The man blinked through his super-thick glasses. Maybe he wasn't reading that right.
Matt: 4000/Four Eyes: 1067
No, his glasses WEREN'T busted. Matt's Life Points were still 4000! Four Eyes sneered in confusing rage at his opponent, who was still smirking stupidly even as the power of the Tyrant Dragon faded away. "IMPOSSIBLE! HOW WERE YOU ABLE TO WITHSTAND THE HELLISH FURY OF MY SUPREME MONSTER?!"
"You scream too much. First off, that thing is a hologram. He couldn't hurt me if he tried. Which he did." Matt grasped the outer edge of his denim jacket. "And second, my jacket is made of an indestructible material, one that is immune to any and all attacks from your pimply assualt!"
"How DARE you insult my face! TO my face!"
Yugi was in silent awe. "Amazing! He's not hurt one bit!"
"How WAS he able to take that attack?" queried Tea.
"Sheer chutzpah." Matt drew his card, and grinned. "Besides, this duel is over anyway."
Four Eyes scoffed. "That's what you say."
"No, it's fact. For now I hold the card that will snag me the win!" Matt held out the card a bit before slapping it down. "Fuck you, bitch, you're dead!"
Four Eyes laguhed shortly. "There is no card that you could have drawn that can defeat my ultimate Tyrant Dragon!" The abovementioned dragon roared to ennunciate that point.
Matt looked at Four Eyes from above his glasses. "But I do. I just said the name of the card." With this, the holographic arena flashed violently with bursts of emerald light. "The Fuck You, Bitch, You're DEAD card!" As soon as the green flares faded, a mighty armored knight stood in the precense of the two duelists. His emerald armor shone brilliantly from the light of the sun, which was amazing considering the fact that the warrior was merely a hologram. His right hand was garbed in a massive right glove, which has frozen in a position that was showing the middle finger to Four Eyes, who was dumbstruck. The knight's sword was also a giant metallic middle finger, with barbs for good measure. To top it all off, the horns extending from the sides of the warrior's helmet were middle fingers as well.
The robed man Matt was dueling gasped in horror. "What does that card do?!"
"The Fuck You, Bitch, You're DEAD card instantly destroys every monster and card on the field except for himself." Matt now pointed at Four Eyes. "And then my monster attacks your Life Points directly for infinite damage! ATTACK! BLOW OF THE FUCK!"
Four Eyes screamed as his Tyrant Dragon was destroyed with a snap of the knight's fingers. Then, he screamed some more as the Fuck You, Bitch, You're DEAD card ran over with blinding speed, slashing and stabbing the geeky dork with a million attacks before pulling out a .44 Magnum like Dirty Harry and shooting Four Eyes with a holographic bullet.
Matt: 4000/Four Eyes: So far into the negatives it's not even funny.
"Way to go, Matt!" said Joey, who had reverted into his normal state.
"You sure kicked his zit-tacular ass!" Bakura said.
Matt merely reset his Duel Disk, picking up the holographic projectors he had launched. He knew he was going to win all along. He just had to prove it in a rather suave style. "Yeah, well, next time I'm not going to be so omnipotent. It's boring like that."
Meanwhile, Four Eyes had turned into a greasy squash. Why? Cause Matt said so.
Now, what's wrong in this chapter?
A. Matt could amazingly predict what cards Four Eyes was using.
B. Matt was using rules he had never made up before, and rules that Four Eyes was going along with.
C. Four Eyes should have turned into a kumquat.
If you guessed C, you're right! Kumquats, as well as cantalopues, accurately reflect how greasy the man was.
Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when we flutter into Chapter Four: Proper Kelsey Grammar.