THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.
A/N: They're here! The first two character submissions I have accepted! Sarah aka Celebi and the voluptuous Ralaxia make guest appearances in this chapter. Since the reviewer who submitted Ralaxia wanted a cool deep sounding name, I chose this one. Where did I come up with Ralaxia? Read ALL of my stories and you'll find out.
By Helldragon4000
CHAPTER FOUR: Proper Kelsey Grammar
The wise author acknowledges the fact that a proper book of grammar is his friend, when really all he wants to do is shove the damn thing up the ass of his English teacher.
Adolf Hitler was very busy. Being an evil genius did that for a man. First off, his Rarity Seekers were still trying to acquire all of the seven extra Blue Eyes White Dragons, as well as those seventy two Toon Worlds. Hitler had already placed the three Blue Eyes they had already found in his deck. As well as one Toon World, but the Nazi was not a fan of cartoons, ever since a disastorus encounter with the Allied Avenger at a local shopping mall in his native Germany.
Secondly, he was illegally registering his Rarity Seekers into the database of Kaiba Corporation's newest tournament, which was called Battle City 2. It wasn't too hard-when Hitler got to the section titled "Check here if you are entering this tournament illegally" at the online registration, he merely left the box blank. Not too surprisingly, everyone submitted was accepted.
Thirdly, Snivelly had just informed Hitler that six other souls had picked up the newest set of Millenium Items. Hitler passed over the holders of the Millenium Flail, Finger, Car Door, and Shotgun, but when he got to the last two, his curiosity perked. It seemed that a young girl named Sarah(aka Celebi, as her profile said,) held the Millenium Schiess-not a bad Item, in Hitler's opinion. The second holder of interest, another girl named Kuri(Hitler was not bothering to learn the girls' last names) had the Millenium Dark Magician Plushy. Cute.
Hitler was plotting on how to conquer Belgium on his conquering map on his conquering table when it came to him. A voice. A seductive, omnipresent, somewhat irritating voice. "Adolf..." it whispered, "come out and play..."
"Ah, schiess," Hitler swore, his German accent now free. He glanced hard into the shadows of the dimly lit drawing room, fiddling with his mustasche. "Dammit, woman, where have you gone? I know you're there, somewhere!"
"You are too impatient, Hitler," the voice drawled, its originator stepping out of the shadows. Hitler had to blink rapidly; sure, he had seen this vision before, but everytime it was something else entirely. Yes, a woman came out before his eyes. But not just any woman...a MAGIC woman! a MAGIC woman from ancient EGYPT!
"I knew that you would be hanging around here, Ralaxia," Hitler mumbled, almost to himself.
Ralaxia was indeed a sight. Even in her tender age of 50(due to the fact that she was from ancient Egypt), somehow she had maintained the trim figure and youth of an eighteen year old female. The only thing covering her dark Egyptian skin was a skintight dress of a dull tan fabric, stopping just above her knees and just below the upper crevaces of her breasts. Her long, flowing black remained tamed and free, dancing elegantly down to the small of her back. With each step, Hitler's eyes danced past her figure and her sharpened face, and not too surprisingly, he had a relevation just like the many fanboys who wrote fanfictions inspired on sexual thoughts. Those same eyes rose up to her neck and face, from the immense amounts of jewelry around her neck to her eerie eyes, eyes of a emerald feline nature.
Hitler watched the Egyptian strut toward his conquering table. Sure, she was drop-dead gorgeous, but she had a tale behind her beautiful ass. A long time ago, in far, far away Egypt, Ralaxia was one of the many queens to the ancient Egyptian Pharoah Yami Yugi. She ruled almost half of the land under the Pharoah's control, and yet her subjects hated her guts. Why the subjects hated her he'd never know. Yami loved her, but she only returned the favor to the tomb robber known as Yami Bakura. However, she sucked at stealing, so she was caught, but since Yami got a dream that a divine monkey told him that his destiny lied in his expert sexual skill to this particular woman, he married her instead of killing her. Using her influence, Ralaxia formed alliences with the priest Seto as well as other important figures, loving them, but not Yami or Bakura, who failed to rescue her. However, she soon truly fell in love with Matticus, the second right hand man of Nero, who visited one day to offer human vaccum cleaners. Consumation was natural afterwards, since Matticus was a dateless bum anyway, and soon, Ralaxia was bearing a child within her, an obvious result of Matt. Unbeknowest to all of the other males she had slept with, she had used a steady combination of withdrawl and ancient condom technology to avoid pregnancy, going all of the way only for Matt. Yami, naturally, got pissed, chased Matticus back to Nero, and killed Ralaxia. The only way she had been revived was through the power of the Millenium Key.
Of course, Hitler knew all of this thanks to his Millenium Amulet. But, he also knew that whomever wielded all fourteen Millenium Items would wield complete sexual dominance over Ralaxia, as Yami Yugi himself so said when he cursed her on her death. Then, her feline cat eyes would shatter, revealing the hellish fury of a woman scorned. Ralaxia was bitter, but she was intellegent, cunning, and a supreme bitch. Hitler always had to watch his step around her.
"So, how goes the plans to seize Belgium?" the Egyptian female asked, playing with the rope that held the Millenium Key around her neck.
Hitler beamed. "Just fine, thank-wait a minute," he said, growing suspicious, "why do you care?"
Ralaxia smiled coldly. "I don't." She stopped even to the table, a large map of Europe sprawled over the surface. "You tok over Belgium so easily back then, Adolf. But now, in these times, can you even manange to vanquish a few duelists or holders of Millenium Items? Times have changed."
"Maybe so," Hitler snarled back, "but I am prepared. With my army of Rarity Seekers and powerful cards, we can take whatever we like. Soon, all fourteen Millenium Items will be under my control." Now the Nazi began to walk around the table, away from Ralaxia. "Honestly, if you had followed Machiavelli's principles like I do, Ralaxia, then you might have gained the trust of your subjects, and they might have allowed you to access more power."
"They were fools," Ralaxia snapped. "Like all peasants."
Hitler stopped in front of the picture of England. "They might be fools, but they are also your most valuable resources. You must work to gain their trust, or you will never retain hold of your empire. 'A prince should be feared, not hated'." Hitler fiddled some more with his mustasche. "The common people should also be rewarded for their efforts."
"I cared for them!" Ralaxia suddenly burst out, slamming a hand on the table. "I fought for them, I allowed them to live! And they hated me!"
"Maybe it's the fact that you were still greedy when it came to riches, instead of spreading it amongst the people when deserved," said Hitler, folding his arms. "Or, maybe it's all of the old flames you allowed to run away from you ever since you died..."
That wasn't very intellegent on Hitler's part. With one single movement, Ralaxia was next to Hitler, her hands wrapped around the collar of his shirt, near the chain that held his Millenium Amulet. Hitler's mask had disappeared slightly; he hadn't expected such strength.
"I will not stand here and allow you to insult me," she growled, her beautiful face contorted in anger. "My old passions have slipped from my grasp! I will not spare them from my eternal vengeance! The descendants of those hateful souls...DEAD! I promise you that!"
"Then you might want to know their names." Quickly, Ralaxia released Hitler, who promptly readjusted his collar. "I happen to know the names of the descendants of those old flames."
"Tell me!" Ralaxia seethed.
"Yami Yugi is Yugi Moto-"
"I'll kill him!"
"Yami Bakura is Ryou Bakura-"
"I'll kill him, too!"
"Seto Kaiba is, well, Seto Kaiba-"
"I'll kill that one, too!"
"John Cleese is Sir Lancelot-"
"What?"
Hitler sighed. "Never mind." He turned back to the laptop computer sitting on the map, near Norway. "They've all entered in Battle City 2. You can take them down from there." The Nazi smiled evilly. "As well as help me retrieve the new God cards."
Ralaxia, who had turned to face the shadows, now swiveled to face Hitler. "This is vengeance for me! I refuse to do your dirty work while my foes run amok!"
Hitler was bordering into his somewhat famous temper. "Need I remind you, Queen of Egypt, that I revived you? That I, through the power of my Millenium Item, drew your spirit into the Key, and beat the shit out of Shadi in the process? You owe me, Ralaxia! And while you are paying your debt, you may hunt down and destroy your enemies in the process. Understand?"
Ralaxia sighed. "I do." She walked off, into the shadows, but before disappearing completely, that same omnipresent voice hit Hitler's ears once more. "But I warn you. If you stop me in my quest, you shall DIE!"
And with that, Hitler was left alone to plot against Belgium.
***
"I can't believe that there's going to be a Battle City 2!" Yugi was saying as he and his friends were walking home from school. Yugi, Joey, Bakura, and Matt now held invitations in their hand, lovingly distributed to them by an acid-seeping Seto Kaiba.
"Yeah, an' Kaiba actually invited me!" Joey said.
"True," conceded Matt, "but that comment was punctuated with many insults and smart remarks about your ancestry."
"Well, it'll be good to get out of school for a few weeks like at Duelist Kingdom and at Battle City 1," Tea remarked.
"Yeah, and it'll be like time stops everywhere else as this tournament is going on!" Tristan mentioned.
"Looks like we have some major preparing to do," Bakura said to the other duelists, "but I have a feeling that this tournament will be full of trouble just like the last two."
Yugi shrugged. "Probably." He fingered the rope that wrapped the Millenium Puzzle around his neck. "But then again, these things are like a danger magnet."
"Danger magnet?" Matt repeated, his tone ugly. "I ought to kill you for that one."
Suddenly, a loud "HEY!" from behind the group stopped them in their tracks. They turned around, only to see a young girl of about twelve years of age, wearing a simple T-shirt and jeans and sporting long blonde hair, running up to them.
"Who da hell is that?" Joey asked, his face confused.
The girl answered that question in one long shout. "Oh my god I can't believe it's Joey Wheeler the second place finalist of Duelist Kingdom and top ten of Battle City I've always wanted to meet you!" Matt, Joey, and Tristan grimaced as the girl stopped just in front of the group, out of breath.
"Who are you?" Bakura asked.
The girl, now having recovered, beamed. "Sarah call me they do, but you say Celebi I am!"
Tea arched an eyebrow. "What did you say?"
"She's speaking Yoda," Tristan explained. "I can help." She glanced at Sarah. "Me Tristan called I am, this and they are Yugi, Matt, Joey, Tea, and Bakura. You what you now want?"
Sarah smiled widely, looking merely at Joey, who was starting to freak out. "Always me want see Joey Wheeler, cool he is?"
"What?"
"She's saying you're cool, Joey," Tristan translated.
Joey's confused expression shifted to one of immense pride. "Well, I know I'm great and all, but dis is da first time I ever had a loyal fan!"
"And probably the last..." Matt trailed.
"WHAT?!" Like so many times before, Joey leapt at Matt, only an inch from his goal of tearing his friend apart since Tristan had grabbed the jacket collar of his friend.
"Must you do this, Joey?" Yugi sighed, exasperated.
But unbeknowest to the friends, Sarah was dreamily gazing at Joey's rage with hazel eyes. "OH! COOL SO JOEY WHEELER FREAK OUT HE IS I LIKE!"
Joey now stopped. "Huh? You like it when I freak out?"
"YEAH!" Suddenly, out of the mysterious nowhere, Sarah had a Duel Disk. She must have either pulled it from the void or the backpack she had dropped on the ground. "Be all right if you duel me you will?"
Joey swelled his chest in arrogance. "Yeah! Sure, Sarah!" He glanced pitifully at his arm. "But I don't 'ave a Duel Disk..."
With one sentence, Sarah had tripped just like Joey was. "CELEBI I AM!" In an instant, she was calm once more. "Can use extra mine I have." She delved into her backpack and casually tossed another Duel Disk to Joey, who failed to catch the device.
"This ought to be interesting," Tea said as the combatants walked away from each other to the desirable dueling distance.
"Eh, she probably duels as bad as she speaks," Bakura concluded.
With a flourish, both duelists activated their Duel Disks. "LET'S DUEL!"
Joey: 4000/Sarah: 4000
Joey looked down at his opening hand(Alligator Sword, Gearfried the Iron Knight, Graceful Dice, Jinzo, Kunai with Chain) and grinned. This was definitely a good start. Now, Joey drew(Time Wizard) and prepared his plan of attack. "All right, I'm throwin' two cards face down an' summon Alligator Sword(1500/1200) in attack mode!" With a blast of holographic technology, two brown card backs materialized, with a reptilian warrior bearing a sword in front of them.
"Turn mine it is!" Sarah glanced at her five cards with one goal in mind: to honor the famous Joey Wheeler with an excellent duel(Blue-Winged Crown, Harpie Lady, Gust Fan, Rising Wind Current, Bladefly). She hummed oddly to herself as soon as she drew(Dust Tornado). "Play one card down face do me and summon now attack mode in Blue-Winged Crown(1600/1200)!" A new face down card appeared next to Sarah's feet, with a blue feathered falcon appearing soon after. "Next," said Sarah, laying Rising Wind Current in the field card reccognition slot of the Duel Disk, "Rising Wind Current power will up Blue-Winged Crown much 500 attack points do, lower but 400 defense points he gets!" A fierce wind now kicked up, jostling the leaves in the trees and increasing Blue-Winged Crown's statistics to 2100/800. Sarah folded her arms smugly. "And now end turn do I."
"Huh?" Joey mused to himself. "Oh, I see...she didn't attack 'cause she thinks I have a trap, which I do." His brain was now humming with activity as he drew his new card(Chasm of Spikes). "Okay," Joey spoke up, slipping his new card into the Duel Disk, "I'm placin' another card face down-"
"Now time use I can Dust Tornado!" Sarah cried in glee as the violet card revealed itself.
"WHAT?!"
"Dust Tornado allows Sarah to destroy one Magic or Trap card on the field!" Yugi shouted to a clueless Joey. The tri-color haired teenager was then shouted down to the ground by Joey's opponent.
"CELEBI I AM!" Again, Sarah had now calmed down once more. "And right Yugi is. Dust Tornado blow up one card Magic Trap or indeed." She pointed a finger at Joey's hidden Graceful Dice. "And choose card that I do there!" At once, a swirling tornado swung into existence, hovered over to the target card, then collided forcefully onto its surface, sending the Graceful Dice into the sky before the entire display vanished.
"AUGH!" Joey exclaimed. "My Graceful Dice!" Quickly, he regained his composure. "No problem-now I summon Jinzo(2400/1700) by sacrificin' my Alligator Sword!" The Alligator Sword did not respond as an image of Jinzo's card, nor did it react as the creature sank into the card with a flash. Another flash, and the mechanical monstrosity known as Jinzo ascended, his arms folded confidently across his frame. Joey grinned at the arrival of one of the most powerful creatures in his deck. Jinzo's firepower more than made up for the fact that no Trap cards could be used while he was out. Estatic, Joey waved his arm at the Blue-Winged Crown. "Now attack, Jinzo! Cyber Energy Shock!"
Jinzo brought his arms to his right side, gathering the dark power that fueled him into a single orb, then releasing it with full intensity, the sphere crashing into the blue bird and shattering it into the wind. Sarah was now rather angry. "ARGH! Pay for Blue-Winged Crown demise do you will soon I revenge wreak!"
Joey: 4000/ Sarah: 3600
"Shot good nice, Joey dude!" Tristan shouted happily. He hastily covered his mouth when he realized he was speaking Yoda.
Recovering her cool, Sarah drew(Pot of Greed) and smiled evilly. "Excellent! Play Greed of Pot me, draw cards two lets do me!" The female freak grinned even more malevolently with the production of her draw(Elegant Egotist, Negation). "Beautiful! Me Negation play!"
"Negation?" Tea asked. "What does that card do, Yugi?"
Matt answered. "Negation prohibits one type of card from being played or activated until Sarah's next turn! With that, Sarah can seriously hamper Joey's plans!"
"She did ask ME..." Yugi drawled.
Sarah was literally jumping for joy. "Yes! Negation, stop Trap use being played now me please!" Joey watched, horrified, as black bindings wrapped around Joey's face down cards.
"Dammit!" Joey shouted.
"Now, Harpie Lady(1300/1400) forth come!" Sarah declared, and all watched as the nubile beast of the skies materialized. This particular Harpie Lady was a player, as she winked cutely at Joey, who promptly grimaced. She did it again when her attributes jumped to 1800/1000.
"AUGH!" Bakura shouted in horror. "ATTACK OF THE IMITATORS!" Matt quelled Bakura's fear with many smacks upside the head.
This wasn't good, Joey thought. If she played Harpie Lady, then next was...
"Now, me Elegant Egotist I use, now can I summon Harpie Lady Sisters(1950/2100) from deck of me!" The image of the Harpie Lady unfocused for a minute, and before Matt's eyes, two more identical women seperated from the main body. With another flash, golden armor much similar to the card Cyber Shield surged over the torsos of all three Harpie Ladies, finishing the transistion.
"Ah, crap!" Joey said. Just then, the attack and defense points of the Harpie Lady Sisters switched to 2450/1700 due to the effect of Rising Wind Current. "Ah, CRAP!"
"Me done not yet ain't!" Sarah smirked, placing Gust Fan in her Duel Disk. The lead Harpie Lady Sister, who sported long ruby hair comapred to the other wild styles of her siblings, snatched the resulting Japanese fan. "Gust Fan with, my Sisters of Harpy Ladies 400 attack more points recieve they get!"
"AH, CRAP!" Joey shouted once more as the trio of blue-skinned females recieved more power, this time to attributes of 2850/1500.
"Attack, Sisters mine! Tornado Triple!" Glancing at each other, the Harpy Lady Sisters flapped their wings at Joey, but with so much might that the wind kicked up by this force generated three miniature tornadoes, which quickly danced over to Jinzo. The machine attempted to barricade against the attack, but it was futile; the winds tore apart Jinzo faster than one can say "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers" twenty seven times.
Joey: 3550/ Sarah: 3600
"Ouch," Bakura remarked. "That's gotta hurt..."
"I don't think Joey has a card that can beat that," Tea said.
Joey was thinking the same thing, too. "How am I gonna beat Sarah's Harpy Lady Sisters...?"
"CELEBI CALLED AM I TIME LAST I SAY!"
Now, what's wrong in this chapter?
A. Ralaxia had one hell of a crazy, twisted past that was hard to follow.
B. Sarah's sentence structure was atrocious.
C. Tristan's too stupid to understand Yoda speak.
If you guessed C, you're right! Joey is not lying when he insults Tristan's intellegence-the teenager takes remedial kindergarten.
Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when we cross the threshold into Chapter Five: Ali G-ramatically Correct.