THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.
A/N: Sorry I took so long in updating. I was too busy balancing my life and tending to ASK THE VILLIANS. But don't think my devotion stops there! ALL of my fics get my tender support! Oh yeah, if anyone wants to see the Yu-Gi-Oh characters play a round of Dungeons and Dragons(with a twist), tell me in your reviews. Preferably in my other stories ^_^.
By Helldragon4000
CHAPTER FIVE: Ali G-ramatically Correct
The wise author chooses to not drop the level of his work into the dregs by the constant use of slang. Unless, of course, he is trying to broadcast on UPN.
In case you are wondering the status of the field since last time:
Joey has 3550 Life Points. He holds Gearfried the Iron Knight and Time Wizard in his hand. Kunai with Chain and Chasm of Spikes are face down on his side of the field.
Sarah has 3600 Life Points. She holds Bladefly in her hand. Negation is currently in play. Gust Fan is equipped to her Harpy Lady Sisters. Rising Air Current is currently in play.
Matt was now unofficial announcer to the match between Sarah(or CELEBI, as she would have said) and Joey. "What an incredible show! Celebi has just destroyed Joey's Jinzo with her super-powered Harpy Lady Sisters! How is Joey going to squirm his way outta this one?"
"Hear me now, bitches and bruvers!" a voice called suddenly. The group turned to see a very odd-looking Duke Devlin stride up to them, fresh from school like they were, but dressed in yellow-tinted wrap-around glasses and a skull cap, while playing with his black hair.
"Hi, Duke!" Yugi said cheerfully.
"Big ups to you," replied Duke.
"We're watching Joey get his ass kicked by a girl!" Tristan added. "Want to watch?"
"Wicked! Wha bitch iz he duelin?"
"Someone named Celebi," Bakura answered, pointing to the action. "She just destroyed his Jinzo."
Duke narrowed his eyes at the Harpy Lady Sisters, then recoiled in horror. "Oh, bruver! Dose wacked up bitches' tack power iz off da charts! Ow iz he gonna ruk it?"
Joey looked worriedly at his hand(Gearfried the Iron Knight, Time Wizard). No monster he had was strong enough to defeat Sarah's Harpy Lady Sisters. And his Trap cards wouldn't work until Sarah ended her next turn! Fearful of his fate, he drew(Goblin Attack Force) and his look of despair switched to one of joy when he finally noticed his Time Wizard. Excellent! "I summon Time Wizard(500/400)!" With a puff of smoke, the clock magician appeared on the field, brandishing a staff with a clock on the end.
Celebi grimaced away from her hand(Bladefly). "No oh!"
"If the spinner lands on a house," Joey explained, "then a thousand years will pass, causing your Harpy Lady Sisters to age into weak, decrepit women! Now, TIME ROULETTE!" At this command, the small arrow on the end of the Time Wizard's staff began to rotate.
"Die my Ladies do if spinner right get you," Sarah said, "but wrong spinner bad lands does on skull, die it you lose and chunk Life Points of!" She grinned again. "Certain I am spinner that wrong is!"
But even this impudent girl was shocked when the Time Wizard's spinning arrow slowed down and pointed directly to a house. Joey leapt as high as he could go in joy, falling smack dab on the ground. "ALL RIGHT! Go, Time Wizard! Time Magic!" Time Wizard swung his staff with a flourish, and the audience gasped as a thousand years of human history passed before their eyes.
"Woa! Ook at dat!" Devlin shouted as the Harpy Lady Sisters aged in an accelerated fashion before their eyes. Matt's eyes widened as the formerly beautiful holograms turned into something far more fragiler, holding in a yelp of surprise when the three winged bitches shattered into glass particles.
"Now, attack, Time Wizard!" Joey declared. "Time Crash!" The clock mage waved his staff once more, and Celebi was driven back by a torrent of horrendously fake forces.
Joey: 3550/ Sarah: 3100
"Way to go, Joey!" Tea shouted.
Sarah was now off her rocker, so to speak. "NO! NOT FAIR IS NO! I YOU KILL THAT I WILL, WHEELER JOEY!" Trying to bring herself under control, she drew(Garuda the Wind Spirit), smiling. Joey's traps were still deactivated until her turn was over, and with this, she could attack that stupid Time Wizard. "Okay! Wind Spirit Garuda the(1600/1200), play me now do I removing Harpie Lady Graveyard from!" The holo projectors squeaked with effort, and a clothed bird-like humanoid materialized. "Wizard attack Time!" Garuda roughly shoved the air in front of him with a hand, and Time Wizard went bye-bye.
Joey: 2450/ Sarah: 3100
"WOA!" Duke Devlin shouted loudly. "Time Wizard just went bo, dat stiff! Joey ad better move his deal totwo otherwise 'e's goin to be sacked by dis main bitch!"
Yugi arched an eyebrow a moment at Duke's behavior, then looked back to the scene. "Joey!" he shouted. "You can still turn this around! Just focus and believe in the Heart of the Cards!"
Matt snorted rudely. "Are you on crack, Yugi? Joey don't need no 'Heart of the Cards' bullshit! He needs to cheat!" With this, he presented a Nazi salute. "Only then can he be victorious!"
"Commie salute!" Duke hollered.
Joey mused to himself. He's right, Matt is. If I'm gonna win, den I gotta cheat! The blond haired teenager looked back at his opponent. But how can I sneak it past Sarah? He thought for a good while(which was his actual best effort). Then, it came to him!
"CELEBI!" Joey shouted, pointing behind Sarah. "STARE REALLY HARD AT DA GROUND BEHIND YA FOR A MINUTE!"
Celebi shrugged, and did so. With the speed of a bat out of hell, Joey pulled his deck out of his deck slot and fumbled through the cards.
"What the hell is he doing?" Tristan asked.
"I think he's searching through his deck for cards," Bakura answered.
Matt wiped a tear from his eye. "He's cheating...I've never felt so proud!"
When Joey had pulled his best cards from his deck(Panther Warrior, Scapegoat, Red Eyes Black Dragon, Fortress Whale, Fortress Whale Oath, and three Hinotamas), he quickly threw these cards in his hand and his deck(cleverly manipulated, of course) back into his Duel Disk. "All right, you can look now!"
Sarah's vision snapped back foward. "Right all, lose it time is you for! Move make!"
Joey grinned evilly. "Thanks to my superior skills, you're goin' down! First, I draw." The duelist secretly slipped three cards from his deck(Rocket Warrior, Parasite Paracide, Graverobber) and quickly threw down his Rocket Warrior, Panther Warrior, and Red Eyes Black Dragon on the field. "First, I play three monsters in attack mode for no fuckin' reason!"
"WHAT?!" Sarah shouted in dismay.
"Next," Joey went on, "I use three Hinotamas an' Scapegoat an' Fortress Whale Oath so you lose 1500 Life Points an' I summon my big ass Fortress Whale(2350/2150) in attack mode!" Just as many fireballs finished beating the shit out of Sarah and Joey's three monsters appeared, the gigantic gun-toting Fortress Whale materialized, looking at Sarah like she was Captain Ahab on a bad day.
Joey: 2450/ Sarah: 1600
"And then she dies," Tea concluded.
Joey: 2450/ Sarah: 0000
A hearty cheer resounded from the audience supporting Joey(as well as a loud "Pulled dat uno outta your bum-bum!" from Duke), and they flowed over to congratulate him. Matt had beaten the others to the lead, and was vigourously shaking Joey's hand in pride as his friends caught up. "God damn, kid, you make me feel all good inside," the denim-clad teenager said happily. "You are truly worthy for Kaiba's Battle City 2 tournament!"
Joey smiled goofily. "Aw, cut it out, Matt. I didn't do much..."
"Of course you did, Joey!" said Yugi, now in proximity of his friend. "If you hadn't thought fast and cheated, then Celebi would have won for sure!"
"With your skills, soon Kaiba won't know what hit him!" Tristan added.
"And you'll get to the finals in no time!" finished Bakura.
"And we'll all cheat as well, so we get into the finals, too," Matt said.
The blond-haired teenager laughed stupidly. "Youse guys are too good for me!"
"Wait a minute," Tea cut in suddenly, snapping her fingers. "After all of this sappy emotional crap, we forgot all about Sarah! Where did she go?"
This was answered with a hearty "CELEBI I AM!" The gang turned to where Celebi was standing, only it was no longer the insane girl they had met a few minutes ago. No, now a small, green creature floated in the air eeriely. This particular creature, on the first glance, COULD be an innocent being, but an evil aura clinged to the thing's eyes. That, and a "THIS THING IS EVIL!" sign pointing to the monster told the group that this thing was indeed evil.
"AUGH!" Duke hollered. "WHA IN DA SHITDRAGON'S SWEET PRIVY IS DAT JACKIE CHAN BITCH?!"
The green chibi-monstrosity scoffed. "Honestly. You really can touch up your language, you know."
This gramatically correct language shocked the entire gathering of humans. Whatever this thing was, it was so definitely NOT Celebi. Tristan gulped. "What are you, then?" he asked.
It nodded. "Simple. I USED to be Sarah aka Celebi." The monster now held a conical object in its hand. Upon closer inspection, Matt could see that the object was made of pure gold and shaped to look like a pile of shit. "But, when I invoke the powers of the Millenium Scheiss, she becomes my vessel so that I, YAMI CELEBI, can come forth!" Yami Celebi erupted in typical sinister laughter.
"AUGH! ANOTHER MILLENIUM ITEM?!" screamed Yugi.
"AUGH! ANOTHER EVIL YAMI?!" shouted Bakura.
"AUGH! ANOTHER FUCKED UP SERIES OF PLOT HOLES!" hollered Matt.
So he was smacked upside the head.
Yami Celebi smiled its evil smile. "Yes. It's all true. And not only do I have an all-new Millenium Item, but there are SIX MORE Items! And once I capture all fourteen items, I can control the WORLD!" The green cutie of darkness cackled some more.
"What are ya plannin'?!" Joey demanded.
"Very well," Yami Celebi answered. "I shall reveal every aspect of my plot to you all. You see, all fourteen Millenium Items will be convienently located at the Battle City 2 tournament, as well as the three new Egyptian God cards. Once I possess these all, none will stand before me!"
"OH, YEA?!" Duke blathered angrily at the evil spirit. "YOU FINK YOU ALL HOT BLUE JEANS?! WELL, LET ME TELL YA SUMPTIN?! WE JUST WON'T GO TO DA TOURNEY BITCH MONGER!"
"You have no choice!" Yami Celebi thrust the Millenium Scheiss roughly before it. The air wavered for a moment, and Duke Devlin screamed many racial profanities as his soul-something that resembled the ultimate ball of snot-blasted out of his nose and into the golden shit. The body of the Dungeon Dice Monsters creator fell on the ground, and Yami Celebi laughed insanely in that typical manner.
"What the flying fuck did you do?!" Matt asked incredulously.
"I sucked his soul. And the same fate will be yours once I take your Millenium Items." Yami Celebi glared at each item holder. "Yugi Moto and his Millenium Puzzle. Ryou Bakura and his Millenium Ring. And Matt Willard with his Millenium Codpiece!"
"What?"
"Sorry. Wrong guy."
A flash from Yugi's Puzzle, and Yami Yugi-you know, the taller, cooler, more determined Yugi-entered the fray. "You shall never take my Millenium Puzzle, Celebi! And I vow, once we get to the Battle City 2 tournament, that I shall DEFEAT you!"
Yami Celebi scoffed again. "You and what army?"
"An army from the most unexpected of places, spirit." All turned to face Bakura, where this voice had originated, and saw that the Millenium Ring was glowing malevolently, hanging from his neck. His eyes had sharpened, and his hair had turned into something far more funkier. Yami Bakura-the ultimate badass-smirked cruelly at Yami Celebi, who blanched. "I shall not be the one to lose my Millenium Item, you retarded ball of snot. I shall take your Scheiss, and all of the other thirteen Millenium Items for myself!" He glanced at the pharoah's Puzzle. "As well as the Millenium Puzzle."
Matt groaned aloud. "Just great. Now Yami Bakura wants all of the Items, as well!"
"HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A RETARDED BALL OF SNOT!" the green ball of snot snapped. "I WILL DESTROY YOU AT BATTLE CITY TWO!"
"No, it is I will destroy you!" Yami Bakura promised.
"No, it is me."
"No, it is I."
"Me."
"I."
"Me!"
"I!"
"ME!"
"IT IS I!"
"Well, it don't matta!" Joey shouted over the two arguing yamis, causing them to stop. "We're all goin' to da same place, so y'all can thrash each other all y'all want!"
Yami Celebi blinked. "True." It glanced once more at the crowd, but mostly to Yami Yugi and Yami Bakura. "We shall meet again, you two and I. And once we do, I will take my prize from you!" Cackling insanely, Yami Celebi withdrew a smokebomb from nowhere, chucking it to the ground, blinding the company as it made its getaway. No one spoke, however, when the smoke instantly dissipated and the green spirit was just starting to run away.
Yami Bakura glanced evilly at Yami Yugi like its other counterpart. "I guess I shall part for now, seeing as how I must go on a beer run. But make no mistake! I SHALL emerge once again!" And with that, Ryou Bakura regained control. Immediately he sighed in relief. "Glad that's over with. We should really prepare for the tournament."
Everyone else nodded their agreement, and walked off to the Kame Game Shop to tell Yugi's grandpa what happened, leaving Duke Devlin to lie on the cold street. With cars. And ducks. And maybe some deer.
Now, what's wrong in this chapter?
A. Duke Devlin spoke all sorts of weird, innapropriate slang.
B. Joey cheated like Matt did when he fought Fantastic Four-Eyes.
C. Yami Celebi's use of the first person pronoun is incorrect.
If you guessed C, you're right! She should have followed Yami Bakura's example. The tomb raider may be a supreme asshole, but at least he commands a proper understanding of the English language.
Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when we experience vertigo with Chapter Six: Bermuda Love Triangle.