THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.
NOW I KNOW WHY EVERYONE THINKS SETO KAIBA LIKES SERENITY! Call me uninformed if you must, but I will merely ignore you. That episode after Yugi defeated Bakura in which Serenity pleads for Seto to land the craft...oh, you sly dogs, you all!
A/N: Oh ho, THIS is the chapter they'll remember me for. This chapter makes fun of all of those fanfictions that involves pairings that are not so typical. Before we begin, let it be known that I personally do not read yaoi. However, yaoi that is tasteful and well-written gets my support.
By Helldragon4000
CHAPTER SIX: Bermuda Love Triangle
The wise author appreciates tasteful romance, but also realizes that pulp fiction is excellent for distracting horny teenagers for a few hours.
A day after the snotball known as Yami Celebi stole Duke Devlin's soul, Matt sat on his bed in his room, looking through his deck. Not only was his deck excellent when cheating, it could also pull a decent game when playing legitimently. Matt smiled to himself as he passed his Gravekeeper's Curse and Royal Keeper, the two last cards in his forty-card deck. He knew he was going to go far.
Matt slid his deck into his deck box. The tournament was in two days, and since school had convinently been cancelled, he could sit on his ass on purpose and no one could move him. Well, except the pizza guy. Matt settled on his fuzzy green stool, and prepared to snooze his ass off.
"WHAT THE FLYING FUCK ARE THEY DOING?!"
The glasses-wearing teenager jumped at this yell. It seemed to come from outside. Matt leapt off of his stool and at his window, peering outside. Over to a sidewalk on the side of the main street flowing east to west, a venerable crowd had gathered, making much noise and much frantic movements.
"Ah ha!" Matt said. "Something to occupy myself with!" He quickly dashed out of his room, through hsi living room, and was outside before he knew it. Cutting through the grass of several front yards, he was upon the crowd, and squeezed his way into the fray.
His eyebrow soon arched like everyone else's. In this circular crowd, on the cold street, some unknown man and some unknown woman were engaged in a barrage of passionate love-making, ignoring the comments of the crowd as they screwed like many screwdrivers. Matt frowned intensely. Now why the hell were they doing this in the middle of the street? Did they not care where they were? And as he thought this, a sharp, high-pitched laughter interrupted his thinking.
"Heeheeheehee! Such fun on a glorious level! My nipples explode with delight! Heeheeheehee!"
Matt's head snapped toward the source of the voice. And it was immensely disturbing. Perched calmly on a nearby streetlamp, unlight since it was still day, was a rotund sort of creature. Upon further inspection, Matt noticed that the thing was essentially a gray ball, with red hands and feet, but with no limbs to connect them to the main body, and a red heart plastered on its stomach. The creature also had rounded eyes similar to Yugi's, but these had blue pupils instead of purple ones. And already, the whole thing was irritating.
"What the hell?" Matt said. "Did you do this?"
The ball-monster chuckled even more. "Yes I did! Such wonderous, delightful follies this is! Heeheeheehee!"
"What the fuck are you, anyway?" Matt asked, lowering his guard slightly.
"Good question!" The thing jumped onto its feet and bowed. "I am the one and only Hart, dispatched by some crazy asshole to create chaos! Heeheeheehee!"
"Heart?"
"No, Hart. H-A-R-T. All right?" Now Hart pointed west. "Now I go to make some more invigorating delight! Heeheeheehee!" With that, the spherical creature leapt off of the streetlamp, landed on the street, and bounded away, cackling stupidly all of the while. For some reason, Matt felt the need to follow it. And so he did, leaving the crowd to their horny fun.
Soon, Matt was running at the side of Hart, trying vainly to keep up with it. "So," he panted, his jacket billowing in the wind, "you're going to create chaos?"
"Yes! Heeheeheehee!"
"How exactly do you create chaos? Do you blow stuff up, or what?"
Hart stopped in its leaping gait, and Matt barely was able to stop as well. "I make people fall in love! Heeheeheehee!"
Matt's eyes narrowed behind his glasses. He regarded Hart with his most sarcastic look. "That's it?"
"Yes! Heeheeheehee!"
"No fireballs of death? No swords raining down from the sky? No magical destroyer beam cannon? You make people fall in LOVE?"
Hart jumped up and down happily. "Yes! Very grand chaotic fun! Heeheeheehee!"
Matt mused over this for a minute. And as he did, an evil smile came to his lips. No one could best Matt when it came to evil machinations, except Darth Vader, of course. "All right, Hart," he said, smirking, "I'll make you a deal."
"A deal? Heeheeheehee?"
Matt nodded. "It's not too bad of a deal. All you have to do is not rain chaos upon random people. In exchange, I'll show you some excellent candidates to rain chaos over. Do you agree?"
The basketball on feet giggled. "Yes! Excellent, amazing, exhiliarating fun! Heeheeheehee! It's a deal! Heeheeheehee!" With that, Hart hopped over to Matt and took his hand, shaking it eagerly. Matt resisted a nervous sigh. This thing sure was odd. Oh, well. At least they both would have some fun. And Matt knew the exact victims to inspire terror within...
Soon, Hart and his dark lord were on the road, running down the length of the surburbs to a certain location. Hart seemed to enjoy the exercise throughly, while Matt could only remain going because of the growing excitement in his chest. In the meantime, the denim-clad teenager decided to ask some questions.
"So, Hart, can you do anything else besides make people fall in love?"
"What do you mean? Heeheeheehee?"
"You know, like any other special attacks. I saw a dude chop through a semi-truck with a messed-up fauchard once. Can you do that, or something else?"
"Well..." Hart thought hard for a minute. Then, finally, it answered, "I can make people fall in love! Heeheeheehee!"
"I'll take that as a no. Oh, well, we're here anyway."
"Here" was the somewhat infamous Kame Game Shop, infamous because it was the home of the famous Yugi Moto. He as well as Joey, Tristan, Tea, and Bakura, as well as the new figures Serenity Wheeler and Seto Kaiba were gathered outside of the entrance, apparently engaged in some sort of debate.
"I'm telling you, Kaiba," Tristan was saying as Matt and Hart approached, "the meaning of life is sugar! Just look at all of our famous figures in history! Most of them were on sugar!"
Kaiba laughed shortly. "Don't make me laugh! The meaning of life is indeed the number 42! Did you notice that many of the most influential figures in history died at 42?"
Finally, Yugi noticed Matt and his minion. "Hey! It's Matt!" His happy expression shifted to a sour one when he examined Hart. "Uh...what's that?"
"AUGH!" Joey hollered. "It's a weird-lookin' ball thing!"
Matt took this opportunity to cackle evilly. Being evil never felt so good. "Too true, Mr. Wheeler! This is Hart, and he shall be my ultimate weapon of venegance! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Serenity arched an eyebrow. "How so? And why are you laughing evilly?"
For a response, the dark lord merely snapped his fingers. "Hart! Have at them!"
"Yes, my lord! Heeheeheehee!" With that, Hart leapt into the air, toward the group. They gaped as the basketball creature it he drew its hands together, creating a bright pink glow around its palms, and pressed them at the company. "Passionate Persuasion! Heeheeheehee!" The glow shifted into a pink stream of energy, streaking toward a shocked Tea and Yugi.
Matt merely folded his arms, smirking as he watched his minion's magic pass through the two victims. This ought to be fun...
When the beam faded, both Tea and Yugi stood perfectly still for a moment. Then, just as Matt was fixing to nod off(it took very little for him to do so), the two turned to face each other. And as Yugi looked up to Tea's height, and she looked down to Yugi's their eyes glinted in that unmistakable glint of blooming love.
The rest of the group, Matt included, stared at the odd sight. Blushing slightly, Yugi held out his hand for Tea to take. "Will you dance with me?"
Tea nodded briefly. "Sure." And soon, the pair had collapsed into a full-fledged waltz.
"Matt!" Tristan shouted. "What did you do to them?!"
The boy in glasses smiled once more. "I did nothing. It was all Hart's fault."
"How is it Hart's fault?" Bakura demanded, choosing not to notice Tea and Yugi serenade by him.
"You see," Matt explained, gesturing to his giggling minion, "Hart here has the power to trigger intense emotional responses in one's brainwaves of passion."
"What the hell are you talking about?" Kaiba snapped.
"I make people fall in love!" Hart shouted. "Heeheeheehee!"
"It's the most evillest power yet, except, of course, a magical destroyer beam cannon." Matt pointed his finger at the group. "Now, Hart, work that voodoo once more!" Immediately, Hart leapt up again, and blasted another Passionate Persuasion over to Serenity and Kaiba, giggling all of the while.
But Joey had other plans. Dashing forth, he managed to shove Serenity out of the way of the pink wrath, but not before taking it himself.
"Joey!" Serenity called to him from her position on the ground.
Matt paled. "What? No! This can't be!" This wasn't supposed to happen! Hart's Passionate Persuasuion had struck Joey and Kaiba! But that meant...
"Kaiba, you rich billionare you, wouldja like ta look at da clouds with me?" Joey asked the president of Kaiba Corporation, his tone far too exotic for Matt's tastes.
Kaiba smiled, nodding his head. "Of course." And so they settled on the pavement, using their arms for pillows, watching the clouds go by as Tea and Yugi stepped over them during a round of the tango.
"You unprecedented bastard!" Matt swore at Hart while Serenity was helped by Bakura and Tristan. "Why the hell did you zap them?"
Hart frowned, which was hard since technically it had no mouth. "I didn't do it on purpose, my lord! The other merely got in the way! Heeheeheehee!"
Meanwhile, Tristan was glaring at Matt, bitching at Hart, while Bakura stood by Serenity. "How in the hell did he find a creature that can make people fall in love?"
A quick flash, and the two uncorrupted individuals saw in horror that Yami Bakura had taken over regular Bakura once more. "I don't know," he hissed, "but I'll make sure that it dies along with his fucking master!" And with that, the tomb raider leapt into action, barrelling toward Matt.
Matt immediately stopped his complaining rant when he noticed Yami Bakura fly at him. "OH, SHIT! YAMI BAKURA! DO SOMETHING, HART!"
Yami Bakura did not fear many things. However, he was smart enough to quake as Hart jumped up, preapring to strike with its power. Instinctively, Yami Bakura retreated. This left a shocked Bakura to take the awesome power of Hart's Passionate Persuasuion all by himself. Matt could only watch, in dumbfounded amazement, as Bakura flashed his eyelids sensually. To himself...
"Oh, yami, I cannot be complete without you!" the white-haired boy said to no one.
At that time, Yami Bakura took over. "What are you talking about?" he asked, confusion etched on his face.
Another flash, and regular Bakura returned. "You know what I mean, yami," he cooed. "I must have you! Forever!"
Matt arched an eyebrow as Yami Bakura and regular Bakura switched back and forth, the spirit trying desperately to run from his light side even though they possessed the same body. "Oooooooooookay..."
Hart was now absolutely giddy. "Heeheeheehee! Such awesome, superb delight! Heeheeheehee! Let us rain chaos some more! Heeheeheehee!" The spherical creature turned its frenzied gaze toward Tristan and Serenity, the former having his arm protectively around the latter.
Matt mused for a minute. Tristan already loved Serenity. That he was certain of. And if Hart's Passionate Persuasion attack hit, then they both would truly be in love! The foundations of the entire world would crumble under such emotional strength! And Matt, even as evil as he was acting, was determined not to let that happen!
Tristan stood strong, unwavering, even as Hart's pink influence lashed at him. He would not submit willingly. So naturally he was surprised when the ultimate dark lord of them all ran directly at him, seperating the teenager from a surprised Serenity with a powerful shoulder. But as Tristan fell to the rocky ground, he still knew what Matt was up to. He planned to take the blow himself, along with Serenity.
"NOW," Matt screeched, spreading his arms, "MY MOMENT OF TRIUMPH IS NIGH! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" He continued to laugh maniacally even as the Passionate Persuasion hit him. But when nothing changed, when he felt or believed nothing new, he stopped. "Huh? What happened?"
"It didn't work?" Serenity asked, relieved.
"It didn't?" Matt repeated. "Do you not feel anything toward me? Anything at all?"
Serenity shook her head. "No."
"DAMMIT!" Matt screamed. "HART! WHAT THE HELL WENT WRONG?!"
Hart seemed truly shattered for a change. "I don't know...unless...heeheeheehee..."
"UNLESS WHAT?! CLARIFY THAT UNLESS!"
Hart settled on the ground. "My people pass down a legend. It speaks of a certain individual, reincarnated throughout eternity. It speaks of his amazing ability. A Passionate Persuasion cannot affect him, nor can any other man or woman fall for this particular person. They call him 'the Chosen One'. And, you are probably him...I'm sorry, my dark lord...heeheeheehee..."
Matt stood perfectly still for a moment, even with the dancing couples and the cloud-gazing gay guys. Then, he broke. "DAMN YOU, HORRIBLE FATES!" he shouted, bellowing to the heavens. "DAMN YOU AND ALL OF YOUR FUCKING EVIL DEEDS! WHY MUST I BE ETERNALLY DAMNED TO NEVER GET LAID?! WHY?!"
"My dark lord-" Hart began, but was interrupted as Matt roared in rage, running over to Hart.
"I'M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU FUCKING LITTLE BAG OF BALLS!"
And so, with a tire iron, Matt smashed Hart to unmistakable death, slamming his weapon repeatedly into the flesh of the creature. And all of the while, the denim-clad teenager shouted many profanities, some off of his head, and some he made up, like "FUCSHIDAMN!" and "SHITMONGER!". And when he had finished, Matt turned to the group, panting in exertion. And it was then that he noticed, in confusion, that everyone affected by Hart was normal once more, talking in confused tones.
"What happened?" Yugi asked to Tea. "What were we doing?"
"I dreamt that I was watchin' clouds..." Joey trailed.
"Why do you possess a bloody tire iron, Matt?" regular Bakura queried.
Quickly, Matt hid the iron. Apparently, when he killed Hart, the magic had ended its effect. "Um...you see..." And just then, Matt thought of a rather convincing story. "We were at a Repblican party meeting, and they tried to wipe your minds, but I beat them up with my trusty tire iron-" here Matt proudly displayed his weapon-"and we were released. Oh yeah, and George Bush got re-elected."
"NO!" Kaiba shouted, holding his head.
Of course, Tristan and Serenity were not convinced. "Yeah, right," they said simultaneously.
"Well, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it," Matt replied, folding his arms. "But let me tell you, such a horrible incident will never happen again. My days of evil are over."
"That's good," Serenity said, smiling.
"When did your days of evil start?" Tea asked.
"Hey, let's get some sodas!" Matt said suddenly. Agreeing, the group left for the nearest soda shop.
Little did they know that Hart's bloody pulp began to pull together like water, and one could hear an eccentric giggling...
NOTE: A fauchard is a medieval weapon, often converted from scythes by peasants. It basically is a long staff with a curved blade at the end. The dude chopping through a semi-truck was Ken from Shaman King.
Now, what's wrong in this chapter?
A. School had been convinently cancelled for the tournament.
B. Matt discovered an odd little freak with the power to make people fall in love, and used it for weird brands of evil.
C. There was no magical destroyer beam cannon.
If you guessed C, you're right! Something just HAD to blow up to make the chapter perfect.
Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when we trip the light fantastic with Chapter Seven: I'm Going To Mary-Sue Your Pants Off!