THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.
A/N: Because NO ONE DEMANDED IT! This chapter debuts an OC that will pop up from time to time in this fic while I insult everything that has to do with writing. The immortal Time Mage's character Kai Kaethen makes a guest appearance in this chapter, so let's give him some canned applause! And since Ralaxia's here as well, here's a hint as to her name: Fanfiction.Net is not the only place I post stories. Good hunting!
Just saw Super Saiyan Marik-I mean, the true form of Marik. But honestly, he looks like a fuckin' Super Saiyan! So that got me to thinking. How would he stack up against the competition? His stats are at the end of this chapter!
By The Helldragon
CHAPTER SEVEN: I'm Going To Mary-Sue Your Pants Off!
The wise author should know by now that omnipotent beings are bad for a good story. Omnipotent BITCHES are far worse.
"Greetings, Duelists, and welcome to Battle City Two," Kaiba had said on his gigantic floating godly blimp in the sky. "If you were lucky enough to participate in Battle City One, then shut your simple brains off for a minute while I explain things to the newcomers." And Kaiba had rambled on about the tournament. Matt tried to listen, but failed. The man was just too boring.
"So, how exactly does this work?" Matt asked Yugi. The entire group was cluster-fucked, along with lots of other people, in the heart of Domino City-a large central square that hosted several establishments and businesses like a vibrant district.
"Well," Joey stepped in, playing with his Duel Disk, "we wander around like idiots until an opponent comes by. We sling some cheap threats at 'em, den we shout, 'LET'S DUEL!' and duel dem. And we try to fight bad guys so we 'ave an interestin' plot."
Yugi sighed. "Just go around Battle City, Matt. You'll win nine locator cards soon enough."
"But he also has to ante up three rare cards per duel!" Tristan said.
Tea rubbed her chin. "The only rare card Matt really has is his Cyber Jar."
"What about my Summoned Skull and Tri-Horned Dragon?!" Matt snapped, only to calm down quickly. "Whatever. I'll see y'all later."
And so, Matt left his friends, intent on winning nine locator cards and acquiring a total of twenty-seven rare cards by the time he got to the finals. Of course, he also had to watch out for those pesky god cards and those other Millenium Items. Mental note, he said to himself. Find Yami Celebi and kick her ass...
***
Unbeknowest to Matt, Ralaxia had locked herself in an alleyway, wearing Rarity Seeker gear, studying him intently. She had wanted to take down Yugi Moto first, but there was something about this youth that intrigued her. Something that made her want to go "Ah-ooga!" So, readying her bitchy deck, she began to trail him.
***
Unbeknowest even to Ralaxia, yet another mysterious figure had locked himself in an alleyway, studying the woman wearing the Rarity Seeker gear. He had wanted to take down Joey Wheeler first, but there was something about this woman that intrigued him. Something that wanted to make him go "Ding dong!" So, readying his own bitchy deck, he began to trail her.
***
"La la la la la..." Matt hummed to himself, walking down the street. Actually, this humming was a distraction. It had only been three minutes, and he hadn't won a single card yet! If he waited any longer, he would get impatient! Of course, Matt was so busy humming that he failed to notice a sweeping shape in front of him. "Huh?" he went. "Who's that?" But as his face fell across the identity of the figure that stood before him, he forgot everything he knew.
It was a woman. Who actually was standing in front of Matt. This was an accomplishment in itself. But it wasn't just any woman. This particular female seemed to radiate an ancient aura, and yet her body clearly said eighteen years of age. Her black dress tightly covered her form, with many areas of desire whenever possible. Her toned dark body was matched only by her long black hair and her amazing green eyes, eyes that reflected the heritage of a feline. On her shoulders was a black cape, and on her arm was a Duel Disk. Another item of interest was a golden ankh that dangled around her neck, resembling a Millenium Item.
Matt, of course, was stammering at this female's slam-bang body as he tried to say something. "W-w-w-w-h-wh-wh-who-who ar-ar-ar-"
For an answer, the girl looked at him with serious eyes. "By the gods, it is true!"
"What?"
The woman sighed. "It's been so long, Matticus! For countless years I have waited for your return! For countless years I have waited to feel your strong, muscular, sexy body once more!"
Matt frowned. Okay, this woman was cracked. "Um, I think you got the wrong guy, lady." He shrugged. "But then again, why am I complaining-"
Ralaxia, the woman who had stopped Matt, frowned. Matticus was never this foward. This might not be the one she seeked! "You act different," she said.
"Of course. I'm weird and-"
"There is only one way to prove that you are Matticus!" With that, the chick snapped her arm foward. "If you can defeat my perfect body, my perfect deck, AND my perfect Millenium Item, you are truly Matticus!"
"WHO THE HELL IS MATTICUS? WHEN THE HELL DID YOU GET A MILLENIUM ITEM?" A pause. "WHY AM I COMPLAINING?! ALL RIGHT!"
"But," the woman suddenly added, smiling, "if I win, then you shall die!"
"Die?" Matt repeated. He paused for a minute. "Eh, I had a good run."
But all of a sudden, before Matt could launch his Duel Disk with debonair, a short laughter cracked the air. "If he loses, he dies? Honestly, you people just aren't creative any more."
The voice had come from behind the woman, so she had turned to look upon this new menace, and Matt had to peek over her shoulder in order to do the same thing. A adolescent male stood here, glaring down at Ralaxia with a hint of reckoning. He wore a black vest over his white shirt, and his black trousers were exceptionally baggy and wide. At the end of one arm was a sleek Duel Disk, already stacked for battle. His hair was spiked down his scalp, only to end in a long lock of hair that dangled three inches down his back. Both eyes of different colors, one a bluish-hazel and the other brown, were intently focused on the Rarity Seeker.
"Excuse me," Matt cut in, "but who the hell are you?"
The newcomer ignored him. Instead, he directed his comments at Matt's female adversary. "Now, if you WERE going to kill him, then you should just do it."
The woman scoffed. "I must test him first, little boy! Stay out of my way!"
The other grinned back. "Then why don't you test me first, Rare Hunter?"
"Rarity Seeker."
"What?"
"I am a Rarity Seeker. NOT a Rare Hunter."
"Well, you wear the cloak of a Rare Hunter. Therefore-"
"THEREFORE, I am a Rarity Seeker, which are exactly like the Rare Hunters, but since we're around, we're better! AND, I'm perfect, so-"
"It doesn't matter!" the boy snapped. "It's time to duel!"
Matt was fuming now. "HELLO?! I'M RIGHT HERE! WHO IN THE HELL ARE YOU TWO?! AND I DO BELIEVE I WAS CHALLENGED FIRST!"
Ralaxia glanced momentarily at Matt before facing her new opponent once more. "If you truly are Matticus, then a few more minutes will mean nothing compared to 5000 years. And I am Ralaxia, the most perfect RARITY SEEKER the world has seen!"
The vested one nodded in determination. "I am Kai Kaethen. And I shall defeat you, RARE HUNTER! Prepare to duel!"
Matt stood on the sidelines, thinking two main thoughts as the warriors launched the holographic projectors from their Duel Disks. The first was that HE had wanted to fight this perfect Rare Hunter-er, Rarity Seeker. Who the hell did this Kai think he was, anyway?
The second, more important thought was one concerning beer. Or, even more importantly, about the true identity of this Rarity Seeker. Never before had he heard a name such as Ralaxia, and yet some part of his long gone mind clicked when he heard it again. And why did she call him Matticus? What the hell did this all mean? And where was his beer?
Kai: 4000/Ralaxia: 4000
"Ladies first," Ralaxia said before Kai could speak, and drew a card(Gravekeeper's Guard)to add to her hand(Mystical Elf, Enchanted Javelin, Pyramid Energy, Sebek's Blessing, Dian Keto the Cure Master). She had to do this quickly, then fight her supposed love one to test his mettle. "For my first perfect move, I'm playing Dian Keto the Cure Master, which will allow me to gain 1000 Life Points!" The green-robed man soon appeared, and tossed a glowing orb into the sky, which soon exploded into a shower of sparks over Ralaxia's hood.
Kai: 4000/Ralaxia: 5000
"Next, I'll place two cards face-down and a monster(Mystical Elf) in defense mode." The familiar brown-backed cards materialized near Ralaxia's feet.
Kai glanced warily at his total draw(Chaos Magician, Cost Down, Kycoo the Ghost Destroyer, Shadow Spell, Breaker the Magic Warrior, Dark Magician) and weighed his options. Those two cards were some sort of trap, so he should set one up as well. "I place one card face down and summon Breaker The Magic Warrior(1600/1000) in attack mode!" A red-armored warrior appeared, hoisting a shield and sword in his hands. "With the magic counter he recieves, his attack power jumps to 1900. However, I can use it to destroy a magic or trap card on the field, which I'll do now!" Breaker's sword glowed blue, and then a burst of the same colored light shrieked over to Ralaxia's Pyramid Energy, obliterating it.
"NO FAIR!" Ralaxia shouted.
Kai arched an eyebrow. "It's perfectly fair. Breaker's ability allows me to do that."
"It's not that." The Rarity Seeker smiled sweetly. "The perfect duelist isn't supposed to lose any cards."
"Well," Kai declared, "you did! Now, Breaker the Magic Warrior, attack her defense monster!" At once, wind kicked up as Kai's spellcaster rushed to do battle with her creature.
Ralaxia released a cackle. "HAHAHAHAHAHA! You've fallen for my trap! First, I'll activate Enchanted Javelin, which gives me Life Points based on the attack power of your monster!" A lightly colored javelin appeared, slamming its way through Breaker's chest nonstop. "And, you've attacked my Mystical Elf(800/2000), which will stop your attack!" Kai watched, shocked, as the resulting blue-skinned lady held up a tender hand, blocking Breaker's blade with a magic aura.
Kai: 3600/Ralaxia: 6600
Matt frowned. This guy just walked into that one!
Kai snorted. "Fine, make your move."
Ralaxia smiled back(Gravekeeper's Chief). "I will. Now I'll sacrifice my Mystical Elf for Gravekeeper's Chief(2400/1700)!" With a flourish of hippie-inspired light, a white-green robed man brandishing a staff ascended from his holographic card, the Mystical Elf dissolving into nothingness. "And thanks to my perfect move beforehand, your warrior is defenseless! Gravekeeper's Chief, attack!"
Kai grinned triumphantly. "You must be losing your touch, mysterious woman I've just met! I was expecting an attack! Activate Shadow Spell!" As the trap card appeared, black chains launched from its image, wrapping digilently around a struggling chief. The newcomer folded his arms. "Shadow Spell not only stops your attack, but it lowers your monster's attack power by 700 points!"
Ralaxia swore to herself. She was going to activate Sebek's Blessing in order to gain more Life Points, but that plan was ruined! Now her Gravekeeper's Chief was at 1700 attack points, and vulnerable to an counterstrike!
The vested one drew his new card with a flourish, seeing as how Ralaxia dimly signaled for him to move(Nobleman of Crossout). Adding this to his hand, he slid a new card into his Magic/Trap slot and Dark Magician into his graveyard slot. "Now I play Cost Down! By discarding a card from my hand, I am able to lower the level of all mosnters in my hand by two. Therefore, I lower their summoning cost. So, I'll play Chaos Magician(2400/1900) for free!" A black-clothed Dark Magician variant wavered into place next to Breaker the Magic Warrior. Kai lashed at his opponent. "Now, Chaos Magician, attack!" The spellcaster swung his staff, and a black bolt of power crashed into the Gravekeeper's Chief. "Go, Breaker the Magic Warrior!" Ralaxia held up her arms protectively as the red magician slashed his sword through her perfect body.
Kai: 3600/Ralaxia: 4300
Matt clapped lightly as if he was watching a round of golf. This Kai kid knew what he was doing, that's for sure. Now, if the moron hadn't interrupted him, then he would be in Matt's cool book.
The Egyptian whore glared at her opponent. "You may have gotten the come-uppance on that one, but I assure you! My training as one of the Most Awesome Really Yearning Super Ultimate Elite cannot fail me now!"
"What the hell is a Most...whatever the hell you said?" Matt queried. He soon sighed in exasperation as the woman looked at him longingly.
"The many years have clouded your memories, Matticus," she said. "Long before I was involved with a certain ancient pharoah bastard('That sounds familiar,' Matt thought), and before I was involved with a certain ancient tomb robber bastard('That sounds even more familiar,' Matt thought), I was part of a most prestigious society. The Most Awesome Really Yearning Super Ultimate Elite raised all of their women to be absolutely, positively perfect in mind, body, and soul. They were also trained to use their own special Millenium Items created just for them. However, I never graduated the acedemy, so I never got a Millenium Item." Ralaxia assumed a bold glare toward Kai, fire in her eyes. "But once I defeat you, Kai Kaethen, the MARYSUE will reward me well!"
"But you already have the Millenium Key," Matt said, pointing to the woman's pendant.
"So?"
"Then draw and show me what you're made of!" Kai replied.
Ralaxia said nothing at first, but upon her draw(Snatch Steal), she cackled again. "Yes! I've drawn the card that shall engineer your defeat! I play Snatch Steal!" From the image of the newest magic card burst forth a man clutching some sort of satchel. He ran fast circles around Kai's Chaos Magician, slowly dragging him to the witch. "Snatch Steal allows me to take control of one of your monsters by giving you 1000 Life Points per Standby Phase! And now I can use your own monster to destroy you, after I play a monster(Gravekeeper's Guard) in defense mode." A new brown-backed card showed up next to the brainwashed Chaos Magician. With that, Ralaxia shouted, "Now, attack Breaker the Magic Warrior! Shadow Lightning!" Breaker recoiled as the familiar bolt struck.
Kai: 2800/Ralaxia: 4300
Matt sighed again, this time in annoyance. WHY again could he not play this duel?
Kai grimaced to himself at the situation. This was not good. Even though he gained Life Points due to Snatch Steal's effect, he had nothing left to fight back with. The only monster he had was Kycoo the Ghost Destroyer, and that wasn't strong enough to whack his now-evil Chaos Magician. It looked like this MARYSUE was going to end his Battle City experience...
"Hey, kid!"
Kai looked up from the ground, over to Matt. A determined look glanced across his face. During Kai's moment of indesicion, Matt had decided to support the guy, even if he did steal his duel. "You don't have to take this shit!" he shouted. "You can kick her ass easy! There's just one thing you have to do!"
"What?" Kai shouted back. Matt simply smiled.
"Cheat," he mouthed. "That is the only way."
Kai blinked for a minute, then nodded. "All right, Ralaxia," he declared, "I'm not done yet! I've got a move that'll vanquish you in no time at all!"
Ralaxia laughed shortly. "Don't make me retch! None of your monsters can take down my Chaos Magician!"
"We'll see about that," the other whispered. His breath caught in his throat, he drew. Three times(Dark Hole, Monster Reborn, Premature Burial). "Yes! Ready, Ralaxia? This is where you fall!"
"Bring it!"
"With pleasure!" Kai yelled, slamming all three new cards into his Duel Disk. "I play Dark Hole, to destroy all monsters on the field!" The Rarity Seeker gaped as a swirling vortex of darkness appeared in the sky, sucking up all. Both sides stood their ground as Ralaxia's two creatures flew into the heavens and knew no more.
"You destroyed my monsters!" Ralaxia gasped. "That's not fair! I'm supposed to be perfect!"
Kai grinned. "It matters not! For now, my Monster Reborn and Premature Burial will resurrect my Dark Magician and Chaos Magician!" In a flash, both magicians returned, their arms folded.
"Oh, no!" Ralaxia shouted.
"Oh, YES! Dark Magic and Shadow Lightning attack!" And as the bolt of darkness struck the Rarity Seeker, followed with a dark shattering, she could only scream in pain.
Kai: 2000/Ralaxia: 0
Matt clapped at a normal tone this time. Kai sure pulled his ass out of the proverbial frying pan for this one. Of course, without Matt's advice, he would have lost.
"Impossible..." Ralaxia whispered as the holograms faded into nothingness. "I lost..."
"You lost because you believe yourself to be perfect," Matt stepped in, moving up to join the duo. "No one is perfect. Especially not Kai-he had to cheat in order to defeat you." The newcomer grimaced when that sentence drew a look of pure hatred toward him from the woman he just defeated.
"Don't blame me!" he protested, raising his arms for defense. "Matt told me to!"
Ralaxia snapped her dark gaze at Matt now, whose face had freaked out like Kai's. "This isn't over!" she hissed. "You may be Matticus, my dear, but I warn you-do not show your face again, or I will be forced to destroy you!" She straightened tightly. "And now, I must make my exit. Huzzah!" With that, she dashed off down the street they were on.
Matt arched an eyebrow at the retreating sight. "Oooooooookay...that was weird." He turned to face Kai. "Now, what's your name again, kid?"
"Kai Kaethen."
"Very nice. I'm Matt Willard." The denim-clad duelist bowed briefly. "Now, kid, let me tell you a few things. One, when someone is in a duel or about to go into a duel, DO NOT INTERFERE. Okay?"
Kai blinked. "Uh, sure..."
"Two. When I'M going into a duel, DO NOT INTERFERE or I will have to kick your ass. All right?"
"The only reason I interfered," Kai objected, folding his arms, "was that I have heard about some evil business here in Battle City Two. I have dedicated myself to stopping it."
Matt nodded. "That's all right, I guess. I'm here on the same thing. Listen, since we're doing the same stuff, you wants to tag along or something? We can back each other up."
However, Kai shook his head. "Nah. I don't want to pass my troubles onto other people. Besides, I've heard of you as well, Matt Willard. You, apparently, can annoy anyone to death..."
Matt grinned. "Too true! Ah, well, if ya need to get me, I'll be around. See ya."
And with that, Matt walked off into that proverbial sunset, even though it was daytime. Kai watched him go with one thought.
"I need a beer..."
Much apologies to the reviewers who submitted their characters.
Now, what's wrong in this chapter?
A. Ralaxia was amazingly a gorgeous, intellegent, Millenium Item-wielder who could duel, too.
B. Kai Kaethen just stepped out of nowhere and barged in on Matt's duel.
C. Matt was never strong, muscular, and sexy.
If you guessed C, you're right! Never in a million years could Matt be a babe magnet. Well, he COULD, but only if chicks were made of metal and his colon was positively charged.
Here we go! Super Saiyan Marik's statistics as I see them. If you want to bitch at me about it, then go right ahead.
Name: Super Saiyan Marik
Power Level: 7,500,000
Style: Kung-Fu
Energy: Ki
Special Attacks: None
Special Techniques: Mind Control. Marik uses Mind Control to take over minions to fight for him, and in a pinch, he can temporarily absorb the powers of his servants, assuming their special attacks and other powers.
Seeing this dude fight Perfect Cell would be quite entertaining. Hey, maybe it'll happen in CROSSFIRE!...
Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when we draw a line in the sand with Chapter Eight: Aaron Spelling Errors.