THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.
A/N: All right, all right, this chapter actually has the least amount of crap in it pertaining to the title. This chapter was written mostly to introduce a certain new character. If you've read IceRoseDragonGurl's "10 Ridiculous Duels You'll Never Get To See", you'll know that it's Szarbarus, a.k.a. Yami Tea! She's too damn cool to pass up, so IceRose has so graciously allowed me to write her in! Be sure to read her stuff-The Fuck You Bitch, You're DEAD! card shall make an appearance, probably in the story "12 Ridiculous Duels You'll Never Get To See" that she'll be writing. To quote Duke Devlin, big ups to you, IceRose, and be glad I didn't create Szarbarus first!
Oh, yeah-WHY, exactly, did Konami choose to rename "Magic Cards" to "Spell Cards"? Did it involve an issue with Wizards of the Coast and their Magic: The Gathering product or what? I'm just asking since "Spell Card" sounds a lot dumber than "Magic Card".
Now, on with the show!
By The Helldragon
CHAPTER EIGHT: Aaron Spelling Errors
The wise author knows that a strong command of the spelling of words is not only desirable for excellent fiction, but also that cruapai spelin juhs sux.
Szarbarus smiled from inside of the Millenium Puzzle. All was going according to plan. Any moment now, her assosciate would arrive, and then she would be free once more. The harpy quietly played with a single claw as she leaned on the wall of the shadow cell. It had taken her quite some effort to procure such an assisstant in order to aid her for this task, seeing as how she was stuck in this damn box. Long ago, back in the days of ancient Egypt, she required no help. Of course, that was all before the trouble started.
Szarbarus was a Harpie Lady. But not just any Harpie Lady. Oh, no! This particular Harpie Lady was known as the Harpy of Darkness, a title well deserved because of the fact that she liked to "moider" people. Five thousand years ago, she was the sole scourge of the earth...except for those pesky Egyptian Gods, of course. She remembered smacking Obelisk once for groping her. And, of course, the Pharoah of Egypt eventually kicked her ass and sentenced her to eternal boredom within the Millenium Puzzle.
She could return. All she had to do was somehow place the Millenium Puzzle around the neck of a person, and latch onto their darkness, no matter how small. From there she could feed. Feed on the darkness and allow it to overtake her host until she was free once more! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Szarbarus rolled her eyes suddenly. Man, she was getting weird...
***
"Well, that was fun," Yugi said with a smirk, examining his new Dragon Right with a trained eye. The group of Yugi, Joey, Tristan, and Tea were busily roaming Battle City Two, and Yugi had just fought a supposed "Rarity Seeker". This shameless ripoff of a Rare Hunter apparently possessed a powerful monster known as Dragon Right, which was a new brand of God card, and after Yugi drop-kicked his ass, the duelist took the card for his own.
"Who knew that a cannibal Duelist packed one of the most powerful God cards since last week?" Tristan asked.
"At least ya won it before he tried ta bite your arm off," Joey remarked.
"Dragon Right(Dragon-Type/Fire/4 Stars/ATK 3000/DEF 3000)," Yugi read off of his card. "If Dragon Left and Dragon Center are on the field with this card, you may place a Draconic Champion token(Dragon-Type/Light/12 Stars/ATK 9000/DEF 9000) in play. As long as Dragon Right remains on the field, you must hold out your right arm at all times, even when drawing or playing a card. If you cannot hold out your right arm or do not have one, sacrifice Dragon Right."
"That card's going to be hard to control," Tea was saying as she walked foward. However, this path took her face directly into the chest of some stranger. "OW! Dammit," she snapped, looking up, "watch where you're-"
She paused as soon as she got a closer look at the stranger's face. He was a tall boy, and his face clearly imitated his tough appearance. Loose blue jeans flowed down to the ankles of the brown boots he wore. A heavy jacket of red and green draped over his shoulders, with the zipper open to reveal an Exodia emblazoned shirt. The boy's blond hair rose from his forehead in many spikes, continuing in this fashion down to his neck. A dark blue Duel Disk clamped to his right wrist.
Tea flushed, and began to apologize immediately. "Oops, sorry! My fault!"
The boy studied this girl for a minute with green eyes. "Duel," he finally said.
"What did you say?" Tristan demanded, he and his friends rushing up to join the encounter.
The boy glanced momentarily at the other males. "You heard me." He returned his dark gaze to Tea, who was on the verge of freaking out. "She rudely bumped into me. I demand retribution. She must duel me. Now."
"Tea doesn't have to duel you!" Yugi cut in, but Tea waved him away.
"No, Yugi," she replied. Bravely she looked up at the other boy. "I have to fight this one. Who are you, anyway?"
With that, the boy suddenly entered a very queer pose. "I am called Rayde! I am the world's most renowned Exodia duelist!" He started to cackle. "And you've fallen into my trap! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Joey rolled his eyes. "Man, dis guy's gettin' weird..."
Tea, however, was not in such a joke-making mood. "Ex...Exodia duelist?"
"You know, a guy who duels with Exodia?" Rayde grinned. "Oh well. It doesn't matter, since I'll defeat you anyway." Suddenly, the boy gestured to the Millenium Puzzle. "But maybe if you wore that pendant, then you might have a chance."
Yugi protectively wrapped his hands around his Puzzle. "Why do you think that?"
"Look, we need something for the plot to go on, so just hand it to her, all right?"
"Is it okay, Yugi?" Tea asked.
After deliberating for a moment, Yugi finally nodded. "Sure, I guess. But be careful."
***
Szarbarus eagerly clacked her claws together. "Do it..." she whispered. "Do it!"
***
Tea draped the rope of the Millenium Puzzle around her neck, and now the thing was dangling innocently. For now. Determined, she faced Rayde. "All right, Rayde, it's time to duel."
"Oh, it's time all right," Rayde replied, smiling evilly, "but not to duel. It's time for the empress of all darkness to return!" With that, he stepped backward.
"What's he talking about?" Tristan asked, confused.
Suddenly, Tea groaned, and doubled over, holding her hands to her head. Anguish swam around her body, and in her mind, a chilling laughter echoed. Her eyes closed tight, the young woman began to pant, pain noticable only to her beginning to take hold.
"Tea!" Yugi immediately shouted. "What's wrong with you?"
For an answer, Tea curled her fingers, only to straighten them again as thick, inch-long talons erupted from her digits. "I...don't know..." she gasped, an action repeated when three pearly claws tore from the toes of her boots.
Suddenly, Yami Yugi appeared next to Yugi, Tristan, and Joey, amazingly in a flesh-based form and garbed similar to his vessel. "It's just as I feared."
"Yami?!" Yugi shouted. "How did you do that?"
"Plot hole," Tristan suggested, a professional look on his face.
Yami Yugi ignored this, and looked back to Tea, whose sleeves had been shredded with the mutation, with a fan of black raven feathers beginning to spread from her lower back. "Never mind how I did it. Yugi, I have a confession to make. Five thousands years ago, when the Egyptian Gods ravaged the earth, there was one other monster that I was eventually able to defeat and seal within the Millenium Puzzle."
"Who?" Yugi demanded.
The eyes of the Pharoah narrowed. "Szarbarus. The Harpy of Darkness. She was safe in the Millenium Puzzle until Tea put it on. I did not realize her power was potent even in my item."
"What power?" Joey asked.
"The power to take over others in order to return to flesh." Yami closed his eyes from the sight. "She could not take you over, Yugi, since you are already preoccupied with myself, so I imagine that she bided her time until a suitable host came along, one with darkness worth exploiting. That host was Tea, I'm afraid."
"And yet," a voice spoke, "she's absolutely perfect as a vessel for which to herald my glorious return!" All turned to look at a hunched over Tea, very disfigured and twisted with her corruption, her tattered clothing singing in the wind. She still held claws to her head, but her eyes were open, burning with a hellish light this side of a light bulb. "And you, Pharoah, can do nothing to stop it!" Laughing, the female threw her head back and her arms wide, rows of black feathers leaping from those arms, all visible skin melting to a darkened green color.
Suddenly, Matt Willard walked up. "Hey, heroes, I found some chips and-WHAT IN THE SWEET NAME OF FRITO LAY IS THAT?!" he shouted, pointing a finger at Tea's damnation.
"Harpy of Darkness," Yugi summuriazed. "Ancient evil female bitch."
"And don't forget me, Rayde, supreme Exodia duelist!" Rayde shouted.
When all was said and done, Tea was about 97 percent Tea no more. Her boots and medium-length skirt were essentially rendered useless, so almost nothing covered her sinuous green legs and sharp claws. The same went for her arms, flanked by black wings ending at her back, with a half-ring of feathers developing from there as well. As a matter of fact, the only thing that still looked like Tea was her face, but even this was surrounded by wild red and blue hair, her once innocent eyes slathering like hellfire.
"Ooooooooooooookay," Tristan drew out. "I hereby present every demon fanboy's dream."
"Tea..." Yugi breathed, utterly shocked. "What's happened to you?"
The thing that was Tea emitted a short, rasping laugh, and her following voice was tinted with a chilling echo. "Tea had to take a breather. Now, I am only Szarbarus."
"Shitfire and fuck-me-rummy," Matt spat. "Wait, what's a Szarbarus?"
"Weren't ya listenin'?" Joey angrily responded. "It's a fuckin' Harpy of Darkness!"
"All right," Rayde said suddenly, turning to face Szarbarus, "I did what you wanted. Now give me what I want."
"Wait a minute!" Yami interrupted. "You were in league with her all along, weren't you? YOU-"here he pointed at Szarbarus-"were just waiting for HIM-"here he pointed at Rayde-"to come along and challenge Tea so that YOU-"the finger jumped at Szarbarus again-"could take over when HE-"the finger drifted to Rayde-"suggested for Tea to put on the Millenium Puzzle!"
Szarbarus rolled her eyes. "Well, duh. Now as for you," she started, glancing at Rayde, "you will get your money. But only after you defeat the Pharoah."
"WHAT?!" Rayde immediately countered. "He'll slaughter me!"
"No shit, Sherlock!" Matt yelled at the blonde. "She may have been out of action for 5000 years, but she's not stupid!"
"Well," Rayde declared, activating his Duel Disk, "I'll defeat the Pharoah anyway so that I can be filthy rich! Prepare to duel!"
With that, Yugi disppeared, and Yami was in his place, armed with his Duel Disk. "Very well!" he answered, launching his own equipment. "And if I win, you will release Tea from your hold!"
The Harpy of Darkness folded her muscled arms. "Honestly, you must think very little of me, Pharoah. It will make me feel a lot better when Rayde defeats you."
Yami: 4000/Rayde: 4000
"You can go first, Pharoah!" Rayde declared.
Yami said nothing and drew(Gazelle the King of Mythical Beasts, Freezing Beast, Mirror Force, Mystical Elf, Dust Tornado, Monster Reborn). "I'll place two cards face-down(Mirror Force and Dust Tornado) and summon Gazelle the King of Mythical Beasts(1500/1200) in attack mode!" In front of two brown-backed cards appeared a tan furred lion-like creature, wearing a shaggy brown mane. "And I'll end my turn."
Rayde smiled as he glanced at his hand(Suangahn, Sordedus ov Ruhvialen Leiaght, Earethahbaunad Speearat, Reaigecky Brayk, Leyft Armah ov De Fourbidan Un, Mhan Eetr Bugh). "I'll also throw a card face-down(Reaigecky Brayk) and a monster in defense mode(Mhan Eetr Bugh), ending my turn!" Two cards appeared near Rayde's feet.
Eyeing those cards suspiciously, Yami drew(Burning Beast). He couldn't risk his Freezing Beast/Burning Beast combination yet, so he decided to resort to another tactic, sliding his Mystical Elf(800/2000) on his Duel Disk. "First, I place a monster in defense mode, then I'll attack with my King of the Mythical Beasts!" On his command, Gazelle dashed foward.
"Nice try, Pharoah!" Rayde declared as a huge brown insect materialized. "But you've attacked my Mahn Eetr Bugh!"
"Your what?" Yami asked, arching an eyebrow at the odd pronunciation.
"I believe he means 'Man Eater Bug'," Szarbarus explained, smirking. "You see, his awful pronunciation is due to the fact that his entire deck is composed of misspelled cards!"
"NO!" shouted Tristan.
"And when Rayde's opponents become confused," the Harpy continued, "he can easily defeat them! You can't win now, Pharoah!" And with that, Gazelle was blown into digital bits along with the Bugh.
"We might 'ave a problem," Joey said.
"Damn straight, we might have a problem!" Matt quickly shouted back.
Upon drawing(Shamsuki Samuai), Rayde quickly made his action. "I'll unleash my Suangahn(1000/600) to the field!" Instantly, a fuzzy three-eyed beast showed up to the party.
Yami hastily pressed a button on his Duel Disk. "I'll activate Dust Tornado, which'll destroy your face-down card!" A sweeping tornado streaked after Rayde's card, but he had other plans.
"I'll just activate the card you were about to destroy: Reaigecky Brayk!" Rayde smirked as explosions suddenly littered the field, sending the Pharoah to cover his face defensively. "This card not only negates yout Dust Tornado, but it'll also destroy your defense monster!" As a particularly large explosion struck Yami's defense card, the Mystical Elf appeared briefly before dissipating to the winds.
"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" the hateful Szarbarus laughed. "It looks like your time is up, Pharoah!"
"Now, Suangahn," ordered Rayde, "attack!" With that, the fuzzball launched itself at Yami, but before it could reach him, a aura of glimmering light shone around the duelist. As soon as Suangahn touched it, it blew up. Rayde blinked in disbelief. "WHAT?! How did that happen?"
Yami grinned. "Simple. I activated Mirror Force, which protected me from your Saungahn's attack and destroyed it as well!"
Rayde snarled, but that snarl soon turned to a smile as he searched his deck. "Yes, but Saungahn's effect allows me to search my deck for a monster with 1500 attack points or less!" Adding Reighat Armah ov De Fourbidan Un to his hand, the Exodia duelist fixed Yami with a steely eye. "This duel ain't over yet, Pharoah!"
"And when it is," Szarbarus added, the harpy spreading her arms eagerly, "you will die at my hands! MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"What a bunch of fuckholes..." Matt muttered.
"I heard that."
Now, what's wrong in this chapter?
A. Rayde's cards suffered from a case of bad spelling-itis.
B. Yami could not appear unless Yugi was wearing the Millenium Puzzle.
C. The males were not slobbering at Szarbarus.
If you guessed C, you're right! Szarbarus may be an ancient evil Duel Monster, but DAMN, she's fine as a motherfucker! Those guys were either gay or too damn stupid to gawk at her!
Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when we rock the casbah with Chapter Nine: Drama King Of Queens.