THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.
A/N: HA! You thought this chapter was going to be titled "Drama King of Queens", didn't you? Well, you were WRONG! MUWAHAHAHAHA! The truth is, I thought about it, and decided on this one instead. Shaman King is my new obsession, so I threw it in just because. And, since "what-if" stories with such crossovers are frequent these days. Enjoy!
Speaking of Shaman King, WB won't show Marik's knife attachment on the Millenium Rod, but on the Fox Box, Ren can say, "Look at the stipulations in my abs!" They show the guy bare-chested too much. Honestly! What the hell is wrong here, peoples? But hey-Lei Pailong and Rio are cool, so I won't complain yet.
Oh yeah-Gelatinous Fiend, as you'll see later, is not a real card. I made it up. The data is at the end of the chapter.
By The Helldragon
CHAPTER NINE: Thorny Crossovers
The wise author uses crossovers sparingly. Sure, they provide interesting counterpoints, fun reactions, and new threats to crusade against. But in the end, it doesn't add up to much pizza.
Kai Kaethen arched an eyebrow. "So, who are you again? And who exactly is behind you?"
The adolescent male walking to his side grinned goofily. He wore long black pants hovering over his sandals, and a white shirt with rolled up sleeves, also currently unbuttoned, revealing his bare chest. Orange and white headphones clamped over his ears, flanked by wild black hair, his eyes sort of lazy and half-open. "I'm Yoh, remember? And Amidamaru's behind me."
"Yeah, about that," Kai said, scratching his head. "You say he's back there, but the thing is, I can't see him. Is he imaginary or what?"
"I am not imaginary!" a miffed warrior floating on air snorted, a tattered robe of gray cloaking him, red shoulder pads surrounding him. His hands hovered near sets of sheathed katanas, ready and waiting on his belt. His long white hair had been tamed into a ponytail dancing behind his scalp. However, Kai did not listen to this warrior, who by Yoh's description was called Amidamaru.
"Amidamaru's right. He's real. You just can't see him," the rather short kid trailing Kai's left side replied. The famed Yugi Moto may be short, but he had nothing compared to this guy, whose dwarfism had dwarfism. His rather tiny frame was clothed by the typical school uniform of Japan, a neat imitation of Yoh's garb. "You see, Amidamaru's a ghost. He was an ancient samurai warrior who fought and died hundreds of years ago."
"Who are you again?" was Kai's question.
"I'm Morty! Geez, where have you been?"
"Anyway," Yoh cut in, "I can see him because I'm a shaman. I can speak and work with spirits. And Amidamaru's my bud and my partner as I fight for the title of Shaman King!" He immediately assumed a goofy pose. It was good that Kai could not see the deaseced samurai, because he copied the same pose Yoh put on with amusement.
"And there's a tournament every 500 years to find this king, I know," Kai finished. "But if you're not a shaman, Morty, how come you can see him?"
Morty grew red. "Well, to tell you the truth, I don't know. It just happened."
"AAAAAAUGH!" Amidamaru suddenly hollered, pointing in front of the travelers. "GIANT MONSTER!"
Kai looked in that direction. His eyes promptly widened. Man, what a scene! Cluster-fucked ahead was Yugi Moto, locked in a duel with some other duelist. The duelist's Sangan suddenly rushed foward, but was repelled and destroyed by a magic barrier Yugi set up. Mirror Force, it seemed like. "Don't worry," Kai explained. "It's not real. It's just a sharp as hell game we like to play in these times, Duel Monsters."
Morty was now studdering. "Well, if those monsters aren't real, then who's that?"
All promptly freaked out as they set their sights on the damned soul formerly known as Tea, corrupted beyond all measures.
Looking harder, Kai noticed Matt Willard. "Well, I'm going to find out." And he rushed over, his new friends following him.
Matt Willard arched an eyebrow as the one and only Kai Kaethen ran up to greet him, flanked by two newcomers, one who was extremely small. "Hey, Kai," he said confusedly, noting the odd appearance of Kai's followers. "Who are these?"
"Never mind that," said Kai. "What's going on here?"
And Matt quickly explained the whole situation, introducing Kai to everyone present, talking about Rayde, and noting with distaste the presence of Szarbarus, who currently held Tea in her grip. "And I like cheese," Matt finished. "So what about you?"
And Kai quickly explained his own situation, discussing about Yoh and Morty, convincing them about Amidamaru, and what their purpose was. "And I like cheese, too," Kai finished. "So Yami's fighting an Exodia duelist?"
"They haven't lost any Life Points yet," Tristan replied, "but someone will soon."
"An' Yugi's gonna kick dis guy's ass!" Joey declared.
"Can we PLEASE get on with this duel?" Rayde shouted, annoyed. He returned a cruel smirk to Yami. "It's your turn."
Yami smiled as he drew(Horn of the Unicorn). "That's good. In case you haven't noticed, Rayde, you're utterly defenseless right now."
"He's right!" Szarbarus hissed. "Why didn't you play your Swords of Revealing Light?"
"It's not 'Swords of Revealing Light'!" Rayde countered. "It's 'Sordedus ov Ruhvialen Leiaght'!"
"She's right. You should have played it." Yami grinned. "Now you can't stand up to my assualt! I summon Freezing Beast(1500/1000) in attack mode!" From the resulting card came a medium-sized ice cube, convienently shaped to appear like a spiked monster. "And I'll add Horn of the Unicorn, raising my Freezing Beast's attack power by 700 points!" Yami added, slamming in the new card. Spider thread cracks burst on the forehead of Yami's monster(2200/1000), and a golden horn promptly erupted from the gap. "Now attack! Thundering Cold!"
Rayde recoiled in pain as Freezing Beast generated a storm of icicles charged with electricity, each one slamming into him.
Yami: 4000/Rayde: 1800
"BOOYAH!" Yoh shouted happily, earning him odd looks from Morty and Amidamaru. "He smoked him!"
"Why are you so happy?" the samurai behind him asked, confounded. "What's going on, exactly?"
Matt rolled his eyes. "Honestly, must I explain everything?"
"Yes." Amidamaru said.
"ANYWAY," said Matt, "whenever a monster attacks a duelist directly, with no monsters to stop it, the attack points of that monster is subtracted from the duelist's Life Points. Whomever loses all of their Life Points loses the duel. Got it?"
"No." Amidamaru said.
"I give up!" Matt threw his arms in the air. "Why do I bother explaining a card game to some old dead dude, anyway?"
"IT'S MY TURN!" Rayde screamed, still intensely annoyed by the constant interruptions. Angrily, he pulled his card(Ecksohthah De Fourbidan Un), but his frown soon turned upside down. "Ha! I've managed to draw the head of Ecksohthah De Fourbidan Un! Once I have all of the pieces, I can summon my ultimate beast!" Grinning evilly, Rayde slammed two card onto or into his Duel Disk. "I'll play Sordedus ov Ruhvialen Leiaght, freezing the Freezing Beast for three turns! Heh!"
Glowing swords rained from the sky, and Yami looked around, astonished, as they surrounded him and his chilling creature. "Oh, that's just great!"
"It's about time you played that," Szarbarus snorted.
"And," Rayde smirked, "just in case you all thought that I was going to risk my Sordedus, I'll also summon a monster in defense mode(Earethahbaunad Speearat)!" The familiar brown-backed card materialized in front of the Swords, protecting Rayde.
"So? Yami can still attack and win," Amidamaru said.
Joey gave the spirit the most harsh look he could muster, which missed its target since he had no clue where Amidamaru was. "Not if Rayde has a MONSTER in play! Dat can stop Yugi's attack, but HE CAN'T ATTACK ANYWAY, due ta Swords of Revealin' Light!"
"Ah ah ah," tsked Szarbarus sarcastically. "It's 'Sordedus ov Ruhvialen Leiaght'."
Yami growled. This was not good. Rayde had trapped him, and now had gained even more time to gather Exodia! And if Rayde won, he couldn't free Tea! And what was the deal with this Yoh and his 'spirit'? Was Amidamaru like Yami was to Yugi? Shaking off silly questions, the Pharoah took his card(Buster Blader) and considered his move. Since he couldn't attack, he couldn't equip Burning Beast to Freezing Beast, since to activate their effect, he had to attack. And attacking would be useless, since such a union destroyed Magic or Trap cards, and the Swords would be gone at the time. However, he could still build his forces.
"Go, Burning Beast(1500/1000)!" Yami shouted, the lava-like counterpart to Freezing Beast appearing next to his pal. "And I'll end my move there."
"Humph. That's all you can do!" Rayde snatched his card from his thinning deck(Messenger of Peace) He said nothing-Messenger of Peace would be useless now. "I guess I'll have to end my turn, too. But remember, I still have two more turns to prepare!"
"Well, this is fun," Tristan remarked.
Now Yami had a plan(Old Vindictive Magician). "I'll sacrifice Burning Beast and Freezing Beast for my Buster Blader(2600/2300)!" The Swords parted, the life energy of the two monsters dissolving. From his card, the sleek armored Buster Blader leapt into action, his sword at the ready. "And," continued Yami, "I'll use Monster Reborn to resurrect Mystical Elf!" Kneeling defensively, the fair woman emerged next to her guardian.
"Fat lot of good that does you! You still can't attack!" Drawing(Witch of the Black Forest), Rayde immediately summoned his card. "Witch of the Black Forest in attack mode!" Standing next to Rayde's defense monster, the black-robed bitch made her influence known.
"Are duels supposed to be this long?" Morty questioned.
"No, they're supposed to be fun to watch," answered Kai. "But this thing is rather boring for now..."
Yami rolled his eyes(Pot of Greed). "I'm not that dumb, Rayde. Contrary to popular belief. Now I'll use Pot of Greed, which lets me draw two cards!" He glanced hard at the newcomers. "Mystical Space Typhoon...Dragon Right...wait, Mystical Space Typhoon?! WAIT! DRAGON RIGHT?!"
Szarbarus' eyes flew open. "Dragon WHAT?!"
"AUGH!" Rayde screamed. "THE NEW GOD CARD!"
"This ought to be fun," Matt smirked as Yami played his cards. First, Mystical Space Typhoon destroyed the Swords...
...and Egyptian echoes called in the background as Dragon Right(3000/3000) descended into life, a massive scaly behemoth of red, befit with sharp slashing talons, huge wings, and a maw ready to kick ass.
"HOLY MOTHERFUCKER!" went Amidamaru. "SUPER BIG DRAGON!"
"And," Yami said to a pale Rayde, "my Buster Blader gains 500 attack points for every Dragon monster in play or in the Graveyard! But, in order to keep Dragon Right in play, I must hold out my right arm!" And he did so. Both Buster Blader(3100/2300) and Dragon Right(3000/3000) glared at Rayde with much intensity.
"AUGH!" shouted Szarbarus. "Did you HAVE to wet your pants, Rayde?!"
"Let's name the attacks," Matt said to Joey.
"Fun," Joey grinned.
"Now, Dragon Right," ordered Yami, his right arm still out, "attack Rayde's monster!"
"BIG FLAME BOOM!" hollered Joey.
He was smacked by Matt. "That sucks! How about...JUDGMENT OF HELLFIRE!"
Flames exploding from its mouth, nostrils, fingers, toes, tail, wings, and other unmentionables, Dragon Right unleashed a ultimate torrent of fire at Rayde's Earthbound Spirit, atomizing the fool.
"BITCHIN'!" Yoh shouted.
"Now, Buster Blader, attack Witch of the Black Forest!" declared Yami.
"With SWORD OF DA BIG CHEESES!"
Everyone near Joey smacked him this time. "Idiot!" shouted Matt. "Attack with DRACONIC BASTARD BLADE!"
Holographic blood splattered the air as Buster Blader sent his weapon singing through the bitchy Witchy, the resulting shockwave drop-kicking Rayde to the sky like Team Rocket.
"Looks like Rayde's blasting off for the first time!" Tristan observed.
"Wobbuffet!"
"What did you say, Morty?"
"Nothing."
After pilfering three cards convinently left on the ground even after Rayde blasted off(Raigeki, Spirit Reaper, Gelatinous Fiend), Yami stood, giving Szarbarus an evil eye. "All right, Szarbarus! I defeated your servant! Now release Tea!"
Szarbarus promptly blew her tongue at the Pharoah. "You seriously think I was going to hold up to my promise?"
"Ya didn't make a promise," Joey said.
"It doesn't matter," the Harpy of Darkness replied. "Tea is mine forever. And there's NOTHING NO ONE can do about it."
"You're wrong!" Yoh suddenly said, stepping in front of his friends. "If you shall not give up Tea, then I will take her from you!"
"Oh?" Szarbarus certainly seemed amused. "And who are you as to make such a boast?"
"I am Yoh," the other replied boldly. "And I shall defeat you! Amidamaru! Let's party!"
"I'm with you!" the samurai said, his hand fingering the hilt of a katana.
"You're serious, aren't you?" Facing her new foes, Szarbarus brought her claws foward, shifting her feet into a combative position. "I'll teach you to insult your superiors!"
"Yeah, but I get insulted all of the time," Matt said.
"SHUT UP!" everyone screamed at him.
All right, here's the Gelatinous Fiend, which is actually a useful little dork:
Name: Gelatinous Fiend
Type: Fiend/Effect
Attribute: Dark
Level: 1
ATK: 0
DEF: 0
Flavor Text: A monster capable of morphing into any shape.
Effect: When this card is Normal Summoned, Special Summoned or Flip Summoned, remove a Monster Card in your Graveyard from the game. If you cannot, this card is destroyed. Gelatinous Fiend becomes an exact copy of that monster.
Now, what's wrong in this chapter?
A. Yoh, Morty, and Amidamaru magically just appeared without reason.
B. Dragon Right was too damn powerful.
C. Anna should have been there.
If you guessed C, you're wrong! Anna is too much of a bitch to be of any use. Ren, however, would make a nice addition.
Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when we shout "Jehova!" at Chapter Ten: Magician of Black Chaos Theory.