THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.
A/N: All right, people, it's plugging time! If you liked Szarbarus in this fic, then be sure to check her out in "10 Ridiculous Duels You'll Never Get To See", and its sequel, "12 Ridiculous Duels You'll Never Get To See"! Also, since Time Mage's character is still here, you should go read his new fic "Return Of Battle City: Wandering Souls". These three are cool and spontaneous, so read them!
Are we going to finish Battle City, or what? You know, it really pisses me off that the chicken shit known as Noah has decided to stop Battle City. HELLO! YAMI MARIK ABOUT TO DESTROY THE WORLD HERE! GET A CLUE!
By The Helldragon
CHAPTER TEN: Magician of Black Chaos Theory
The wise author utilizes rationality as one of the many fuels for the plot of his story. That is, if he even has a plot.
"You have no idea who you are dealing with, boy," Szarbarus spat, holding her offensive stance. "I've been destroying the populace and terrorizing the world before your great great great great great great great great great great GREAT grandparents were even thought of!"
"That's a lot of greats," Tristan said.
"I don't care how many people you whacked!" Yoh declared, Amidamaru tensing for action. "I will vanquish you and set Tea free! Or at least give it my best shot!"
Yugi, who had reverted to normal quickly, scratched his chin. "I don't get it. Why is Yoh going to fight Szarbarus? Doesn't he know about her power?"
"He's kinda stupid like that," Morty explained. "But I know Yoh can beat her!"
"Yeah, but I think she can make stuff go blow up," Matt said.
Joey frowned. "Let's just hope Yoh's got da guts."
"Morty," Yoh commanded, holding out his hand. "Stick me."
"What?"
"I said stick me!"
Morty promptly paled. "Here? Now?"
"Yes!" Yoh said. "Give me a stick!"
"OH!" the short boy replied, obviously relieved. He drew an eye to the ground. "Hey, look," he said. "A pipe. Here you go."
"I didn't see a pipe there before," Kai mentioned as the other handed the makeshift weapon to the shaman.
"That's cause you have tunnel vision," Matt jested.
Szarbarus snorted. "It matters not if you have a stick or a pipe or even a bigger pipe or even a slightly bigger stick! I will crush you!"
"We'll see about that!" Yoh thrust his hand foward. "Spirit Form! Unity!" To his and Morty's eyes only, Amidamaru suddenly turned into blue flame, maintaining a human shape at first, then dissolving into wisps that streamed to Yoh's hand. As the flames converged, Yoh opened his hand, allowing a cute ball of fire with Amidamaru's shoulder pads to manifest itself. Fiercely, Yoh shoved this thing into his bare chest, pausing in a hunched state as the remnants of the move dissolved into his body.
"What's he doing?" Yugi asked.
When all was said and done, Yoh straightened. His eyes were now sharpened and whole. "Let's rock the casbah!" he shouted, his voice coinciding with that of Amidamaru's.
Szarbarus smiled knowingly. "Ah, Amidamaru, I see that you have fused with a host like I have done."
"WHAT?!" the rest of the bystanders shouted. "YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID?!"
The Harpy of Darkness sighed. "I'm not as moronic as I look, you know. I may possess Tea's body, but my mind is still as fresh as ever."
"I'm still confused!" Kai wailed.
Morty rolled his eyes. "Yoh's a shaman, remember? He can join with Amidamaru and combine their powers in order to fight their enemies. Pay more attention, would you?"
"He can't," said Matt. "He has selective hearing."
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?! AND WHAT IN THE NAME OF KIDNEY STONE IS TUNNEL VISION, ANYWAY?!"
"Enough talk!" Yoh interrupted, bringing his pipe foward. "It's go time!" Roaring, he dashed foward, Amidamaru backing his attack, and swung hard at Szarbarus' head. With an incredible speed, the Harpy defended with her bare forearm, amazingly holding well against metal. Pushing aside the pipe, her face now twisted in hate, she lashed forth with viper claws, missing widely as Yoh ducked under the singing death. The shaman quickly struck at Szarbarus' side, but again she defended, more ferociously this time around.
"You know," Yugi said to Yami, who once again materialized into flesh, "if we had the Puzzle, we could have blasted her brains out by now."
The Pharoah shrugged. "True, but in order to do that, we need THE MILLENIUM PUZZLE, NOW DON'T WE?!"
Driving her taloned foot foward, her efforts for naught as Yoh flipped artfully backwards, Szarbarus paused momentarily, still ready to fight. It was obvious that she was allowing her opponent to make his next move so that she could counter. "I'm waiting, shaman! Bring it!"
Yoh grinned, drawing back his pipe. "With pleasure. CELESTIAL SLASH!" He swung, and a energy wave of pure red erupted from nowhere, streaming rapidly over to Szarbarus, whose wide eyes betrayed her fear and surprise. Lingering screams of agony sliced the sky as the vicious blow collided into the Harpy of Darkness head on, blasting her to the dirt in an explosion of smoke.
"HOT DAMN!" Matt yelled happily. "I think the word is 'Booyah'!"
"Guess again!" Tristan whined, feebly pointing at the battleground.
Pushing forth from the fog, leaning and clutching her stomach, Szarbarus slowly fumbled out of the scene, looking pretty damn pissed. Many feathers had been torn from her wingspan, and her forest green flesh exhumed strands of smoke. Several lacerations on her limbs bled freely, with her talons blistered and cracked. Yoh's eyes grew wide. "Amazing! How did she survive that?"
"No one can survive the ultimately climatic final attack!" Amidamaru said. "That's why it's FINAL!"
"And yet," the evil bitch spat, mustering strength to look at Yoh directly, "I'm still here. The battle is not over yet. You possess great power, shaman, and for that I must congratulate you." That insane grin spread past her cheeks. "It's too bad that I have to crack your head like a melon now."
"Yeah, right!" Joey scoffed. "You're all banged up, ya bitchmonger! Yoh's gonna kick your ass, so why don't ya just pack it in?"
"Bitchmonger?" Yugi repeated.
Matt smiled. "I like that one."
He promptly jumped with fright as Szarbarus' estatic, shrieking laughter rang true. "You fools!" she cried. "I have been hiding my true power from you all of this time! Now, for an intense special effect budget, I shall demonstrate!" With that, the Harpy of Darkness spread her mutilated wings, tilting her chin to the sky. "Powers of chaos, I ask of your aid!" she chanted. "Help me reduce my foes to Kool-Aid! Give me the power of random crap! Force their minds to break and snap! Allow me to bend the will of this plane! See Dick run headstrong into Jane!"
Shock enraptured the participants of the one-act as the scenery and people of Domino City faded away, shifting into a weird new land. All around, nothing but a plain with purple grass surrounded the group from all sides, and a pea green sky hovered above, sparse clouds of yellow populating it.
"What the flying fuck..." Matt drew out quietly.
However, the others were not so private with their feelings. "AHHHHH! WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON?!"
"It's the powers of chaos," a voice explained. All turned toward the originator, and promptly recoiled in horror. With a battered and bruised Tea moaning on the ground, the true Szarbarus floated above her. In fact, the true Szarbarus looked much like a damnified version of the Harpie Lady herself. Armor of polished onyx clamped to her torso, much similar to Cyber Shield, except that jagged shoulder pads streaked in opposite directions, with the beginnings of armored greaves tracing down her curvaceous legs. Her forearms were gaunleted with clawed bracers, allowing her to strike hard no matter her mode of attack. Her hair, still a odd red and blue, focused to keen points, and flowed in this manner down to her lower back, much like an extended version of Yami Marik's hairdo. At least her face, undeniably evil as it was, resembled the Harpie Lady more than that of Tea.
"Jesus Christ, Superstar!" Morty gasped. "She's gone ultimate!"
"I believe the term is 'ultima'," Matt corrected. "Get it straight."
"Where have you taken us, Szarbarus?" Yami demanded.
The Harpy of Darkness could not resist a small chuckle. "Within my mind. With the powers of chaos supplementing me, I have taken us all to the ultimate("Ultima," Matt said) battleground. Here, I am god and all encompassing ruler!"
"Shouldn't this place be a white space, then?" Yoh smirked.
"Cracking jokes, are we?" Szarbarus floated higher, spreading her arms. "Not anymore! ROYAL FLUSH!" Instantly, hundereds of levitating porcelain toilets appeared, and simultaneously, they flushed. Everyone screamed and covered their ears, the resulting sonic boom too great for them to bear. Over the cacophony, the Harpy's hideous laughter reverberated.
"AUGH!" Yugi hollered. "What's going on?!"
"Szarbarus is using her imagination to produce her attack!" Yami yelled back, vainly attempting to stop the noise. "And the forces of chaos are fueling it!"
Even though Amidamaru was not affected by the move, Yoh was. Amidamaru realized they had to act, or be lost. "We have to strike back!" the samaurai shouted as loudly as he could. "When I say so, uncover your ears and focus only on Szarbarus's laughter! And don't bitch at me! Do it!"
Straining, Yoh uncovered his headphones, quickly trying to drown out the hellish flushing. Slowly, they faded away to mere background noise, with only the cackle of Szarbarus hearable. Roaring once more, the shaman rushed forth, brandishing his pipe.
The toilets vanished as the weapon slammed into the side of the Harpy. She screeched in shock, angry at forgetting all about Yoh, and fought back. The two danced in a lethal ballet, slashing back and forth with claws and pipe, striking and doging each other. Along the way, Szarbarus generated many unique attacks to plague Yoh, including serpents exploding from toasters, pitchforks blasting from her eyes, and tornadoes consisting of beer bottles. The rest had recovered, and were now watching the fight.
"Ah, deer poop!" Kai swore. "Yoh's getting his butt kicked!"
"How can he defeat Szarbarus when she keeps making up those screwy attacks?" Tristan asked, worried.
"I'VE GOT IT!" Morty suddenly declared.
All looked at the half-half-half-pint. "What is it?" Yugi said.
"Szarbarus said that this place was her mind," Morty elaborated, beginning to pace. "And she's using her imagination to make up attacks!" He snapped tiny fingers. "So, all Yoh has to do is be as weird as her, and he'll win!"
"True," Matt said, shrugging, "but Szarbarus is one of the weirdest people I've ever seen! I don't think anyone can match her weirdness!" The glasses-wearing teenager paled as all present stared at him expectantly. "What?"
"Don't you see, Matt?" Yami said. "The only weirder person than Szarbarus is you!"
"You've got da most fucked-up brain I've ever seen!" Joey encouraged. "If ya use that fucked-up-ness, you can beat her!"
"Do you really think so?" Matt replied.
"Even I think so," said Kai, "and I barely know you!"
"I'M SO TOUCHED!" Matt shouted, sobbing immense tears of happiness. Quickly, he regained his composure. "Let's get superfreaky, now!"
Crying in pain, Yoh fell to the dirt, three bloody slash lines across his chest. He whoofed as Szarbarus dug her knee into his gut, the hateful Harpy glaring down upon him. "Game over, shaman," she hissed. "Prepare to meet your father in the black corridors of hell. And your grandfather. And your great grandfather. And your great great grandfather. And your great great great grandfather. And your-"
"HEY! BITCHMONGER!"
Szarbarus stood, her face etched in confusion. Standing some distance from her was that fool Matt Willard, his arms folded confidently, a stupid smirk on his face. "What the hell do you want?"
Matt's smirk grew. "To party."
Szarbarus gasped as the denim-clad boy suddenly leapt into the air, and remained hovering with no effort at all. "What?!" she shouted. "How is this possible?!"
"It's simple," the adolescent explained, his jacket dancing in the wind. "This is your mind. And fucked up as it may be, mine is far more twisted and malevolent." He threw his arms apart, incredible gusts erupting suddenly, rocking the psyches of all in the land. "And with the powers of chaos supporting my screwy brain, you will fall before my +4 Boot of Ass-Kicking!"
"Never!" Shrieking, the Harpy lunged at Matt, entering into a fierce claw slash. However, Matt fancied himself a skillful fighter in his mind, and therefore, with relative ease, stopped each and every one of Szarbarus' attacks, his jacket flying against her Millenium Puzzle. The bystanders, watched amazed, as Matt suddenly swung his leg into the side of the bitch, sending her flying back.
"Master of chaos, my ass," Matt jested as Szarbarus recovered.
"You may be powerful in hand-to-hand combat," the green-skinned monstrosity spat, shoving her claws foward, "but my chaos outdoes your chaos by three-tenths! MILLER LITE MAELSTROM!" From nowhere, tinted bottles slushing with alcohol spiraled at Matt, forming a tornado of drunken death. But Matt just smiled, and to the surprise of everyone, the tempest passed harmlessly through his body.
"Absolutely fucking awesome!" Tristan shouted excitedly.
Having caught one of the bottles, Matt quickly drained the container, dropping the now empty glass to the plain below. He turned his wild eye upon his opponent, now immensely shocked with the power he was displaying. "Good try," he remarked. "But I grow tired of the antics. Now I will show you my true chaos, which not only outstrips your puny chaos by fourteen-seventeenths, but has its own cable channel as well!"
"That's not fair," said Morty. "I want a cable channel..."
Suddenly, Matt snapped his fingers. And instantly, he had changed completely. He now wore long black jeans tipped a fat white near the rims. His jacket had been split into two different colors, one side black and one side white, with the open collar of a reverse order, and his shirt imitated the abovementioned garb. But more importantly, Matt's hair was blond, his eyes shifted to blue, his glasses having disappeared.
Yugi's eyes widened beyond his control. "Who is that?"
For an answer, the boy intoned, "I am Ultima Matt!"
"Ultimate Matt?" Joey repeated.
"No, Ultima Matt. Get it straight." Ultima Matt now glanced warily at Szarbarus. "Now justice shall be served. Your reign of evil stops here and now, Szarbarus!"
Scowling, Szarbarus retaliated, "My reign shall never cease to exist! But you, Ultima Matt, will simply cease! TOASTED SERPENT STRIKE!" The furbished toasters materialized once more, and prepared to launch. But before they could, they vanished as a red hot flash erupted on Szarbarus' backside, sending her to scream in agony, demoting her to the ground.
Yoh had stood at last, his pipe weary in his hands, but quite capable of delivering a Celestial Slash. He smiled at Ultima Matt. "Oh, you have to tell me the name of your hairdresser."
Ultima Matt nodded, smiling as well. "Thank you, Yoh and Amidamaru. Now I will finish this." Closing his eyes, the ultimate warrior raised curled fingers of two hands to the green sky. Suddenly, snippets and flashed of black and white energy flowed to a central point, forming into a tiny sphere that grew.
"What's he doing?" Kai asked.
"I don't know," said Yami, the Eye of Horus burning on his forehead, "but it's going to be big! Run!"
He reached down and hoisted Tea upwards with Yoh's help, dragging her off. All leapt away as Ultima Matt gathered his power, forming into a gigantic ball of shadow and light energy, mxing together like a potent solution. He turned his blue eyes down to Szarbarus, who had recovered, but now stared at her imminent demise with hellfire eyes that betrayed a slight sense of humanity.
Soon, that humanity had disappeared, and she was pure evil once more. "All right," she spat. "Destroy me. But evil never dies, Ultima Matt. You are well aware of that. I'll be back. Maybe as some sort of tissue. Maybe like a liver, or even a tiny brain. But I will return. Maybe as a bionic eye or some sort of bottled head. But I will return. I promise you that."
The male shrugged. "Yeah, but for now, I don't really give a shit." He switched the ball to one hand, slinging the limb to his side, only to lash the sphere at his foe.
"ULTIMA DESTROYER!"
In the resulting explosion, the enite realm of Szarbarus was washed in a scorching, blinding light. In the resulting explosion, Szarbarus screamed her final scream, her body slowly disentegrating before her very eyes. In the resulting explosion, Ultima Matt held up not one, but two middle fingers at his adversary. Then saluted her with them. Then just flicked her off again.
And Domino City had returned, as if nothing had ever happened. No one paid notice to the teenagers, especially the Pharoah holding the tattered form of a beautiful girl, or to the teenager face-down in the street, his glasses slapped back on his face.
"We've returned to the real world," Tristan said.
"Thank you, Captian Obvious," Joey remarked.
"Somebody get Matt," Yugi said, helping Yami and Yoh with Tea. "We'd better take them both to the hospital."
But as the friends gathered, escorting the brave ones to the hospital far away, they failed to notice a figure watching them in the shadows. "Interesting..."
So, what did ya think of Ultima Matt? He'll show up again, but Matt's got to learn to harness his new power before becoming him again.
Now, what's wrong in this chapter?
A. That pipe just showed up out of nowhere.
B. There was no way Matt could have learned to become Ultima Matt like that.
C. Matt prefers Budweiser.
If you guessed C, you're wrong again! Matt doesn't drink beer, he just says so to make fun. Haven't you learned anything?
Well, let's hope you have. Next time on YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, grab your number two pencil, because we're taking a test! Yes, it's going to be a little quiz covering everything we've learned through the first ten chapters. I recommend you do some studying over the break, because if you fail, you'll be dropped in the No Man's Land of Bad Fanfiction-The HELL(Vermont) OF THE HOLY DRAGON! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
What? He's a good friend of mine, that's all.