THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.
A/N: Ah, yes...we have some very interesting developments for the Yu-Gi-Oh crew. Does anyone out there(besides me) know what the hell's up with Noah? And did you notice that he had to wear gay little shorts? In white? After Labor Day? He needs to take his fancy-ass computers and digitize him a fashion sense.
By The Helldragon
CHAPTER ELEVEN: Battle of the Bitching Bitches
The wise author restricts the use of profanity in his fiction. To do so would be unappropriate. Unless, of course, one was writing the screenplay for From Dusk Till Dawn.
"Tea and Matt are both okay," Yugi said to his friends, having just walked outside of Domino Hospital. "Except, of course, for the immense pain. Matt's Ultima Destroyer really tired him out, apparently."
"Well, it's a good thing that he used that attack," Yoh added. "Otherwise I'd be dead like Amidamaru."
"Being dead isn't so bad," Yami countered, once again in flesh form next to Yugi. "You get to walk through walls and steal people's stuff."
"What's this about stealing stuff?" a new voice interrupted. All present turned to look in that particular direction. Mai Valentine, decked with a Duel Disk and latest fashions, was now walking up to them. "And what's wrong with Tea and that other kid?"
"Whoa..." Morty and Kai both said, unmistakably in the throes of affection. "What a woman..."
Joey, however, noticed this and boxed them both. "Back off, ya bums!" he hissed. "She's mine!"
"Hey there, Mai!" Tristan said, waving happily. "We just had some trouble with another evil spirit, that's all."
"Again?" Mai sighed. "They're everywhere, aren't they?"
"Oh yeah!" Morty jumped in. "But there's a lot of good spirits, too! Amidamaru over here's one of them!" He jabbed a thumb to the samurai, currently feigning sleep and boredom at the same time.
"Who the hell are you again?" the blonde asked.
"I'll field that one," Yugi stepped in, holding his hands high. And so, he quickly elaborated about EVERYTHING-you know, the evil plot with the Rarity Seekers, the appearance of Szarbarus, the arrival of Yoh and his friends, and Matt's climatic struggle with the Harpy of Darkness. After he finished, he promptly collpased from lack of air.
"I think he's dead," said Joey.
"DEAD?!" went Yami.
"Or out of air, I don't know."
Suddenly, rather loud dialogue erupted behind the group. "What the hell is that?" Tristan asked, turning about, with the others following his example. Some distance away, a teenager clearly known as Ryou Bakura was walking back and forth, shouting into the air.
Kai arched an eyebrow. "What's he doing?"
"Look!" Yugi pointed, now recovered. "Someone's following Bakura!"
And it was so-indeed, a little child about the age of four was trailing the white-haired youth, her mouth mixing with that of the other. Confused, the group immediately ran to the scene.
"Why do you keep following me?" Ryou was asking to the girl as the rest approached.
She grinned widely. "Because you're fun!"
Suddenly, Ryou shifted to Yami Bakura thanks to a glowing Millenium Ring. Like the bat out of hell, he swiveled to glare down upon his tormentor with a vengeance. "STOP FOLLOWING ME OR I WILL BANISH YOUR MIND TO THE SHADOW REALM, PUNY MORTAL!" he screamed, his evil face directly in hers.
But she just laughed. "Oh, you're so cute!" And with that, she playfully pinched Yami Bakura's cheek. The tomb robber promptly blushed.
"All right," Yoh cut in, "what's going on here?
Ryou had returned, and noticing Yugi, began to shake quite hard on his shoulders. "OH THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE, YUGI! You have to help me! This girl won't stop following me around and is annoying the hell out of me!"
Yugi skeptically looked at the child. She had strawberry blond curls dropping down to her waist, with a dark green ribbon to match. Not only were her eyes green as well, but she also wore a dark green jumper with a Kuriboh insignia on the front. But the two items of importance she possessed was a Duel Disk on her left arm, as well as a gigantic Dark Magician plushy she held, coated in a brilliant gold. Except for those two objects, she seemed absolutely normal. "And why can't you take care of her?"
"BECUASE I'M DUMB! WAHHHHHHHHHHH!" And so Ryou exploded into fits of crying.
Unfortunately, the girl had focused on Yugi now. "Are you Yugi Moto?" she asked politely.
"Yes."
All covered their ears as she squealed with happiness. "OH, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO MEET YOU YUGI!!!"
"SOMEONE MAKE HER SHUT UP!" Tristan yelled over the screaming.
"You can't," entered a new chilling voice. "That is one of the powers that the Millenium Dark Magician Plushy grants her." Startled, all turned to the source of the voice, and Yugi, Yami, Joey, and Tristan. With a good reason-the voice was none other than Yami Celebi, floating eeriely in the air, a Duel Disk strapped to its arm. The Millenium Scheiss now dangled about its neck through the use of rope. The green ball of snot smiled evilly. "And soon, it shall become my power."
"Millenium Dark Magician Plushy?!" repeated Yami. "That must be one of the new Millenium Items!"
"If only Matt was here," Joey sighed. "Den he could've cussed her out."
"Excuse me," Morty interrupted, "but I must be out of the circle here. Who's that?"
And so, Yugi explained EVERYTHING YET AGAIN-you know, the situation with Yami Celebi, the whole sinister dealings she was involved with, as well as the seven new Millenium Items. And once again, after he had finished, he toppled to the street.
"He's really got to stop doing that," Kai said.
Now Yami Celebi was slowly approaching the girl, its grin wide and woeful. "What's your name, child?"
"R-Ruki," the girl replied, clutching her Plushy, her eyes fearful.
"Well, Ruki," cooed the demented spirit, "here's what were going to do. You and I are going to duel. Whomever wins acquires both of our Millenium Items. So if I win, I get your Plushy and keep my Schiess. But if you win, you keep yours and get mine. So, do you want to play?"
"I love its bedside manner," Mai quipped.
"We can't just stand here and let Yami Celebi take Ruki's Item!" Yami insisted.
"Let's kick the shit out of the snotball!" Amidamaru cried, drawing a katana.
But before the group could leap into action, Ruki's Millenium Dark Magician Plushy glowed vermillion, showering the city around them with rays of light. When it had faded, a new figure stood in Ruki's place, minus the Plushy, glaring determinedly at Yami Celebi, who blanched. The newcomer was garbed in an open, flowing cape of green, revealing her chest laden with silver body armor and tight blue trousers, complemented with elaborate boots reaching up to her knees. The female hefted her Duel Disk sitting upon a gauntleted arm, her other hand fingering the hilt of a rather long sword tied to her curvaceous waist. Long blond hair, spiked and arranged like Bakura's danced about her beautiful face.
"Who in the hell's that?" Yoh asked, incredulous.
Ryou, in the meantime, was panting like a dog in heat. "Hot DAMN!"
Yami Celebi, however, was not pleased. "I should have known that another spirit dwelled within the MDMP(Millenium Dark Magician Plushy)."
"That's right, you fuckin' bag of shit," the figure said confidently. "And I, Necropotus, am going to kick your ugly ass all over the block! You will rot in the fires of hell for insulting my vessel!"
Mai folded her arms. "Now that seems like a girl you don't want to piss off."
"Does that name ring a bell, Yami?" Yugi asked the Pharoah.
"No," he replied. "She must be another random stock character..."
"It doesn't matter who she is!" Kai shouted. "She'll beat this Yami Celebi!"
The yami in question glared at Kai, Yoh, and Morty. "You know, you random additions are really starting to piss me off! BE GONE!" With that, it shoved its hand foward, and the three mortals plus the samurai were blown into the sky by powerful gusts of wind.
"LUKE!" Joey cried to the wind.
"FATHER!" Necropotus shouted after Amidamaru.
"Waitaminute!" guessed Tristan, even though he had no clue who Necropotus was talking about. "Amidamaru's your father?"
She looked at the boy. "He was." Snarling, Necropotus turned back to glare death threats at Yami Celebi. "YOU WILL BURN IN HELL FOR THAT, BITCH!"
"IS THAT A CHALLENGE, WHORE?!" Yami Celebi shouted back, its Duel Disk now activated. "I'M GOING TO DROP-KICK YOUR SKINNY ASS ALL OVER ARKANSAS!"
"WHEN I'M DONE KICKING YOUR SNOTTY ASS, YOU'LL HAVE TO SIT ON YOUR UGLY-AS-FUCK FACE!" Necropotus screamed in retaliation, her own Duel Disk snapping ready. "LET'S DANCE, SKANK!"
Yami Celebi: 4000/Necropotus: 4000
"I feel Matt's profane influence in this duel," Yami predicted ominously as the two bitches drew their cards.
"Yeah, he's everywhere lately, isn't he?" Mai added.
"I'll go first, you WHORE!" Yami Celebi said(Luster Dragon, Avenging Amazon, Black Pendant, Tornado Bird, Bladefly, Elegant Egotist). "And I'll summon a monster in defense mode(Tornado Bird)!" The duel officially began with the face-down image of the yami's monster.
"Now it's my turn, MOTHERFUCKER!" Necropotus took in her hand of cards(Messenger of Peace, Gravity Bind, Jinzo #7, Widespread Ruin, Dark Core, Servant of Catabolism) and grinned to herself. It was a good start. "Okay, bitch," the spirit of the MDMP spat, playing two cards face-down, "I'll save these cards for later and summon Jinzo #7(500/400) in attack mode!" With a flash of light, the miniature machine leapt from the ground, garbed in a hodgepodge of technology.
"That Jinzo #7'll be able to attack Yami Celebi directly," Yugi mentioned. "But then again, why am I stating the obvious?"
"Has anyone forgotten me or what?" Ryou asked.
"ATTACK THE BASTARD DIRECTLY, JINZO #7!" Necropotus issued. Its fist now surrounded in a pinkish aura, Jinzo #7 fired a blast that struck hard into Yami Celebi. The snot thing promptly recoiled in pain from the blow, its Life Points dropping appropriately.
Yami Celebi: 3500/Necropotus: 4000
"An' so da whuppin' begins," Joey remarked. "Dat spirit's goin' down."
"I don't know, Joey," Yugi replied worriedly, chancing a look at Yami Celebi's still grinning face. "It looks like it was expecting an attack."
"Is that all you have, broad?" the emerald yami spat amusedly. "Or do you have some other stupid-ass move to make?"
Necropotus shook her head. "Nope, I'm done."
"Well, that's good," the spirit of the Millenium Scheiss answered, drawing a card(Woodland Sprite). "Because now I'm going to smash the living shit out of you! I'll flip my Tornado Bird(1100/1000), which sends your two fuckin' face-down cards back to your hand!" The resulting rainbow-feathered bird flapped its wings once, and blew Necropotus' secret traps into the sky. As the pissed off swordwoman returned her Gravity Bind and Widespread Ruin to her hand, Yami Celebi continued to bark out orders. "Now I'll sacrifice my weak Tornado Bird for my more powerful Luster Dragon(2400/1700)!"
"Holy shitmonkeys!" Joey shouted as the rock-skinned dragon of crystal green manifested itself. "Dat's thing's as strong as my Red Eyes!"
"I didn't know you had red eyes," Mai said.
Shreiking in delight, Yami Celebi ascended higher. "NOW, MY BEAUTIFUL DRAGON, PUT THE SMACKDOWN ON THE JACKASS WITH TORNADO BLASTER!" Opening its humongous maw, snippets of wind gathered toward the Luster Dragon's mouth and fused into a ball, only to collapse onto the Jinzo #7. As it was destroyed, Necropotus raised her arms up to defend herself.
Yami Celebi: 3500/Necropotus: 2100
"Ouch!" Tristan winced. "That's gotta hurt!"
"Yes," Yami Celebi taunted, watching with clear amusement as Necropotus recovered. "Such pain courses through you now. And it's only going to get worse. Why don't you hand over your Dark Magician Plushy now before I have to get rough?"
"I cannot," the spirit of said Plushy said. "For techinically, I AM the Plushy. In order to win me, you must fully defeat me." Now ready to continue the fight, she jabbed a finger at her opponent. "AND THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL I'M LETTING AN S.O.B BEAT ME!"
"HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY MOTHER?!" Yami Celebi screamed back. "YAMI MOMMY CELEBI GAVE ME COOKIES AND MILK AND HELPED ME WITH MY EVIL HOMEWORK! YOU WILL NOT DISRESPECT HER MURDER AT MY HANDS!" The thing was now visibly quaking with anger, shaking its fists. "REST ASSURED THAT I WILL KILL YOU WITH MANY POINTY OBJECTS BEFORE THIS DUEL IS OVER!"
"How can she rest assured if she's dead?" Yami infered.
"Don't be cute."
You know what? It's Chapter Eleven and so far, we have not seen Seto Kaiba duel! THIS SHALL NOT STAND! Mark my words, Seto Kaiba will get to duel! And with that comes the god card Dragon Left! Watch for it!
Now, what's wrong in this chapter?
A. Both Necropotus and Yami Celebi cursed way too much.
B. Amidamaru technically could not have been blown away by wind.
C. You know that this is going to be the right answer, so you might as well pick it.
If you guessed C, you're right! C is right, so you're right! Good for you.
Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when we unleash our Limit Break on Chapter Twelve: The Neverending Life Story.