THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.
A/N: After so long, I'm back with an update! Next up is not a new chapter of INSECT QUEEN, but a new fic involving the Final Fantasy VII crew, after Meteor and before the events of Advent Children. It's by me, so you KNOW what to expect.
By The Helldragon
"Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR."-Mark Twain
CHAPTER TWELVE: The Neverending Life Story
The wise author tries rather hard not to sag down his fiction with endless history and backstory, as they often weigh down the plot and make it boring. And yet, Michener's Chesapeake is considered a smashing success.
While Necropotus and Yami Celebi were engaged in their duel of profanities, another section of the city of Domino was about to recieve some visitors.
"YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!"
Uncermoniously, Kai Kaethen and his friends Yoh, Morty, and Amidamaru were dumped from the heavens, landing in a huge garbage bin sitting in a dark alleyway. Trash flew everywhere as the result.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEWW!" Morty shouted, standing up and shaking his hands rapidly, trying to discard old fish bones. "Disgusting!"
"Oh, this is just great," Yoh remarked, peeling a discarded banana skin off of his hairdo.
Kai made a face as he wiped his hand on a clear side of the bin, leaving a trail of chocolate milk-slime in his wake. His day was not going as well as he had hoped for. First off, he was involved in some weird battle between that Harpy of Darkness known as Szarbarus and the oddball known as Matt Willard. Next, some bitch named Yami Celebi just blasted him and his friends off like they were flies! And now he had been literally trashed! Well, he wasn't going to stand for it!
"Where are you going, Kai?" Amidamaru asked, floating above the bin, as Kai stood up and began to crawl over the rim of the garbage unit.
The boy's feet touched the ground, and he dusted himself off. "I'm going to find that piece of monkey known as Yami Celebi, and kick her green butt nine ways to Arkansas!"
"Do you think you can beat up the person who sent us flying cross-country?" Yoh queried, also landing on the asphalt like Kai.
Kai frowned as he examined his Duel Disk. "I can try."
"You'll have to wait until that Necropotus woman is done with her," Morty added as Yoh helped him down.
Amidamaru frowned. It still didn't make sense to him. Even before Necropotus showed up, he detected a familiar presence lurking within the Millenium Dark Magician Plushy. And when the swordswoman did appear, something clicked in his airless head. The girl seemed familiar to him somehow...but what was it?
"I need a Coke!" whined Yoh.
"We all need a Coke," said Kai. He glanced out of the alleyway into the street. "Hey, there's a soda shop across the road. Let's go there."
And so, the odd trio plus one spirit walked across the road. Cars swerved away, some crashing nosily into brick buildings, as the four walked in a straight line. Morty was third, and he forgot his shoes at the time, but nobody cared. Finally, they all made it to the shop. After forcing Yoh to cough up enough cash to buy them all refreshments(Amidamaru opted to have a Sierra Mist), they all sat down at a round table inside.
"Man, I love this stuff," the samurai said, gazing at his Sierra Mist.
Kai arched an eyebrow. "How can you drink it? You're dead."
"SPIRIT FORM! UNITY!"
Kai rolled his eyes as Yoh, infused with the essence of Amidamaru, took a sip of Sierra Mist through his straw. "Why do I even bother asking..."
"So what's the deal with that spirit of the Millenium Dark Magician Plushy?" Morty asked, taking a pull of his Mountain Dew: Code Red. "She didn't feel at all like the Pharoah of the Millenium Puzzle..."
Yoh sipped his glass of Coca Cola. "What do you mean?"
"She reminded me of someone." The spirit-seer looked past Yoh, to Amidamaru. "She reminded me of Amidamaru."
"How?" Kai wondered. "Is she related or something?"
The samurai pursed his lips, and went for another taste of his drink. You know, he couldn't completely oust that idea. Sure, he had never, ever, ever, ever, EVER seen the woman before, but her aura(and her incredibly long sword) triggered familiar feelings within himself. But Amidamaru never had any kids with anyone...or did he? "I'm not enitrely sure..."
"I KNOW!" Yoh declared. "If you relate your entire life, then you might remember if you did get laid!"
"I think Amidamaru would remember if he got laid," Morty remarked dryly.
"Cloud Strife didn't," said Kai. "But maybe this is different. Go ahead, Amidamaru."
The samurai sighed. "Very well." He looked up to the ceiling in reflection. "Once, long ago, in the age of feudal Japan, there was a man and a woman. The man was my father, and the woman was my mother. They met in harsh circumstances. You see, one of the small shops in the village my mother and father lived in had decided to up the prices of its rice. Later, they found out that he had made a trip to yet another small village in the east, and he entered the inn. Since the prices were so high-and it might because of THIS price gouging that he was influenced to raise the prices of his own rice, although we did learn that the reason lay in this other village-he refused to stay there. The innkeeper scratched his chin and said that if this man were to climb to the top of the tallest mountain nearby and retrieve the quietest cricket from a field, then he would let him in. The man tried to bribe said innkeeper with a mystical monkey's paw he found on the ground, but the innkeeper was too wise for that. After all, who would buy a monkey's paw? I wouldn't. They're usually grimy and dirty, but people are dumb enough to buy them because they give you wishes. Yeah, if you wanted a grimy and dirty hand of a dead monkey, then you got your wish! Seriously, some people are that idiotic-"
"Amidamaru," Morty cut in sharply. "Can we get back to the topic at hand?"
Amidamaru blinked. "Of course. Sorry. Anyway, as I was saying, the man who charged too much for rice had to go retrieve the quietest cricket from a field on the tallest mountain nearby in order to stay at the inn who charged too much. So this man set off, with naught but a mung bean sandwich for lunch and a sharp stick for protection. He travelled twenty miles in forty days, braving treacherous snow storms of summer, facing down wandering monsters like Final Fantasy and so on. Finally, he reached the mountain. There, he thought, is where he would get the quietest cricket in the field that would allow him to stay at the inn that charged too much which eventually allowed my father and mother to meet. So, the man whose rice was hideously expensive in the end fashioned his dirty and grimy monkey's paw that supposedly granted wishes into a hook, which he used to climb the tallest mountain where the quietest cricket lived. Up he climbed, thinking all of the while of the cozy bed that waited for him back at the inn that charged too much which would make this man charge too much for rice and bring my parents together. Soon, after scaling one thousand vertical miles, the man made it to the top. Like the innkeeper said, there was a field there, and in this field, the quietest cricket who guaranteed free admission into the inn dwelled. So, the man who was impudent enough to demand so much money for rice-"
"Skip a bit, brother," Kai said, annoyed.
"But this quietest cricket may give a clue as to my relation with Necropotus!" Amidamaru replied.
"But mostly it won't!" Yoh snapped.
"Fine!" The spiritual samurai thought a moment, deciding where to begin again. "Okay, after this man got the cricket-"
"I thought you were going to shut up about the cricket!"
"This is the last you will hear of the cricket. Now, he was able to stay the night at the inn who charged too much and-"
Yoh groaned loudly.
"Stop that!"
"This isn't getting us anywhere! We don't need your stupid backstory!"
Amidamaru humphed. "Fine, and I suppose that you want to skip to the part where I've grown up?"
"YES!"
Amidamaru shrugged. "All right, you're the one missing out..."
"Oh, whatever shall I do..."
"Shut up, Morty."
"ANYWAY," Amidamaru began again, "I had grown up. We know that much. Anyhoo, I had recently gotten my magicial ring of rockslides-"
"Whoa!" Kai entered. "Where did you get that?"
"You see?" the samurai scolded. "If we hadn't skipped parts of the story, then you would know where I got my magicial ring."
Yoh nodded. "He's right!"
"Oh, you were the one who wanted to speed things up!"
"Don't blame ME, Kai! If YOU hadn't started about the cricket-"
"The cricket is not a neccessary factor of the story! It has nothing to do with Necropotus and her relationship to Amidamaru!"
"What if the cricket was really Necropotus, and it had to be kissed like a frog, and she thought whomever kissed it was her father, and Amidamaru found the cricket, and kissed it 'cause he was dumb, and she returned to normal, and she kept following him everywhere 'cause she thought he was her father?"
"I thought I told you to shut up, Morty."
Kai gripped his head in pain. "Man, I give up! May God above give me something to do other than to listen to this!"
And surprisingly, the gods answered. When the streets outsides suddenly exploded with a fiery force, the resulting sound startled everyone. When it happened again, the windows shattered immediately, sending a yelping Morty under the table.
"What the hell is that?" Yoh asked his partner.
"I don't know," Amidamaru said, fingering his katana, "but we'll find out!"
"I'm coming too!" Kai said, tapping his Duel Disk.
"Are you MAD?!" Morty shouted at Kai from under the table.
"Yes." And with that, Kai, Yoh, and Amidamaru dashed outside. Morty watched them go nervously, his fear taking a hold of him. That fear vanished, however, when he realized that a Sierra Mist two Coca Colas, and his Mountain Dew: Code Red had been left for the taking.
The street of Domino had descended into hell. The road housed burning flames of fury, the buildings danced with fire, and all about, lightning bolts crashed down from a darkened sky. Kai's mouth dropped open at the destruction. Who could have done all of this?
"Son of a bitch!" Yoh swore, looking about for a weapon. "What's going on?"
A harsh laughter rang out. Kai gulped. "That?"
All present gaped as a young man, dressed in a black cape, with long white hair and silver shoulder pads, carrying an immensely huge sword, walked from the flames to them. His green eyes glistened upon the sight, his mouth curled in a smirk. "Well, well, well," he said smoothly, looking at the newcomers. "Who do we have here?"
"Holy shit..." Amidamaru gasped. "Sephiroth..."
AUGH! WHAT IN THE HELL IS SEPHIROTH DOING HERE! THIS PLOT MAKES NO SENSE! TELL THE PEOPLE!
Now, what's wrong in this chapter?
A. Amidamaru went on way too much about the parts of his life that no one cared about.
B. Sephiroth should not have shown up at all.
C. There was a signifigant amount of product placement.
If you guessed C, you're right! And don't forget, this chapter is brought to you by Pepsi Blue! Mmmmm, can't get enough of Pepsi Blue!
Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when we kick the bucket with Chapter Thirteen: The OOC.