DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything you recognize. If you actually attempt to learn anything from this fanfiction, and are sadly disappointed, it's not my fault. Well, it kinda is, but you get the idea.

THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.

A/N: Any of you notice my subtle dip in quality? That's 'cause I'm typing this crap from Ellyndia McGovern's computer, and it's hell trying to update with little online. And guess what we bought from EBay? A fantastic looking...case. That's right, we attempted to get Ellyndia a laptop, but it came with ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in it! Not my fault-the description was quite sparse.

YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES!

By The Helldragon

"Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR."-Mark Twain

CHAPTER THIRTEEN: The OOC
The wise author keeps his characters within the borderlines of their personalities in his fanfiction, otherwise, it soon turns into Sigmund Freud's dreamhouse.

Elsewhere in Battle City Two, a fierce duel had broken out between two valiant warriors. They both would not waver. They both would not give up. They both-

"WAHHHHHH! I GIVE! I GIVE!"

Ahem! I'm talking here! Anyway, these two duelists had made it clear that neither would fall, and yet, due to the dangers of dueling, one warrior was bound to be vanquished at one time or another. But even as the other's Life Points went down the crapper, they still fought-

"HERE! JUST TAKE MY LOCATOR CARD! I DON'T NEED IT!"

Excuse me! I do believe I'm talking. Anyhoo, with unrelenting courage-

"I'M SO SCARED! WAHHHHHHHHHH!"

Ah, fuck it. Let's just go to the scene of the crime. Over in a closed-off street of Domino City, flanked by towering edifices, Seto Kaiba, clad in his first Battle City outfit of sleek white trenchcoat and black shirt and pants, had cornered yet another duelist idiotic enough to challenge him. Currently, the duelist opposite of Kaiba Corporation's president had 30 Life Points, while Seto possessed 15,964. Naturally, Kaiba had also constructed an army of powerful monsters: Ryu-Kishin Powered(1600/1200), Luster Dragon(2400/1700), and Blue Eyes White Dragon(3000/2500).

"You fool!" Seto roared in delight at his opponent. "What moron uses 4-Stared Ladybug of Doom?! I mean, COME ON!"

"I don't care!" the young girl in green shouted back. "All I wanted to do was sell you some Girl Scout cookies!"

"Well, THIS will teach you to always carry the minty cookies I like!" Grinning insanely, Kaiba snapped up a card from his hand. "Prepare to meet the fury of my God card!"

"Obelisk the Tormentor?!"

"Kinda, BUT MORE ANNOYING!" As Seto slammed the card down upon his Duel Disk, an incredible hailstorm of icicles blasted into life, collapsing into a deadly spiral of power. From the resulting pillar, a gigantic, blue-scaled wyrm with ferocious fangs and claws leapt forth, roaring its challenge to all.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" the little girl screamed.

"BEHOLD! DRAGON LEFT!" Seto smirked, drawing his left arm to point away from him. "In order to keep Dragon Left in play, I must hold out my left arm as long as it's on the field! But I won't have to for long! With 3000 attack points, AND since you have no monsters on the field, I can just POKE YOU and you'll DIE!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Defensively, the girl held up her box of cookies as a shield.

"TOO LATE! DRAGON LEFT!" Seto commanded, sweeping out with his free hand. "ATTACK WITH FROZEN WOE!"

For those who've seen Bahamut ZERO on Final Fantasy VII, just replace that monster with Dragon Left. Otherwise, here ya go-a nifty revolving picture of the planet came into view from deep in space, and as the camera almost faced the sun, the undeniable shadow of Dragon Left emerged like an eclipse. Its maw opened, streams of blue power drawing toward its beak, before exploding into a beam of such intensity that it blasted through Earth's atmosphere just to do anything short of annihilate the little girl.

Insert one really big BOOM here.

"Yeah!" a spectating Mokuba shouted in joy. "You did it, Seto!"

"I know." Grinning, Seto now held Dragon Left, tracing over its picture. "And with this card, I'll defeat Yugi for sure!"

"Maybe," a new voice inserted, "but if you beat Yugi, then we wouldn't really have a show, now would we?"

Startled, Seto and Mokuba swiveled around to face the newcomer. It was a tall boy walking toward them, and his face clearly imitated his tough appearance. Loose blue jeans flowed down to the ankles of the brown boots he wore. A heavy jacket of red and green draped over his shoulders, with the zipper open to reveal an Exodia emblazoned shirt. The boy's blond hair rose from his forehead in many spikes, continuing in this fashion down to his neck. A dark blue Duel Disk clamped to his right wrist.

"Who says so?" Seto retorted immediately.

The boy smirked. "Rayde Zachrich, Exodia duelist extraordinaire, says so. I've fought Yugi, and I see now why you can't beat him. Of course, the sun was in my eyes at the time, so I probably could have wasted him."

"BULLSHIT!" the elder Kaiba snorted.

"You dare insult me?" Rayde snapped his Duel Disk foward. "In my country, we sleep with the people who insult us, but since this is Japan, we will duel instead!"

"No offense, mysterious stranger we've just met," Mokuba said, "but Seto could probably flick you with his finger and beat you."

"So go play with a Kuriboh, or something," Seto remarked crudely as he turned to leave.

Rayde, however, would not recede so easily. "What if I sweeten the deal?"

Seto did not turn around. "I'm listening."

"What if I offer you..." Here the camera zoomed in REALLY CLOSE to Rayde's face, and his pinkie finger was to his lips. "ONE HUNDRED BEEEEELEEON DOLLARS?"

"HAAH! HAHH!" That was Seto hyperventilating.

Mokuba looked at his brother concernedly. "But Seto, you don't even knows if he has it!"

"Yeah! I know, but, I mean, come on! MONEY!" Rubbing his hands together greedily, with a retarded look on his face, Seto launched his Duel Disk. "Hell, I need me some new vid-e-oh casesstes!"

Mokuba gave his brother an intensely disturbed look. This was a major problem. Whenever Seto was bribed with huge amounts of money, he tended to...take an awkward turn.

Seto-4000/Rayde-4000

Rayde glanced at his opening hand(Sangan, Witch of the Black Forest, Messenger of Peace, Left Arm of the Forbidden One, Earthbound Spirit, Laser Curfew). Yugi Moto may have defeated him, but there was no way in hell he would let the OTHER Duel Monsters champion kick his amateur ass! Maintaining a poker face, he inserted two cards on his Duel Disk. "I summon a monster in defense mode(Witch of the Black Forest) and place one card face down(Laser Curfew)!"

In reply, Seto leapt up and down like a child. "AHHHHHH! YOU'RE SO STUPID!" In that same moment, his composure had returned, and he glanced over his hand(Blue Eyes White Dragon, Lord of Dragons, Flute of Summoning Dragon, Ring of Defense, Koumori Dragon, Avenging Wyrm). This STUPID DICK had no idea who he was messing with! "I'll place one card face down(Ring of Defense) and summon Lord of Dragons(1200/1000) in attack mode!" With the arrival of the caped master of dragons, a new face down card appeared behind him. "AAAAAAND I'll play Flute of Summoning Dragon, which allows me to summon two more Dragon type monsters from my hand!" So, Kaiba giggled insanely. "GUESS WHAT DAT MEANS!"

"You're going to summon Blue Eyes White Dragon and Lycanthropic Dragon to the field," Rayde replied, bored.

"WHAT?! HOW DID YA KNOW THAT, YA SMELLYHEAD?!"

The Exodia duelist rolled his eyes. "I read the script, dumbass. Now finish your move."

So Kaiba did, summoning a Blue Eyes White Dragon(3000/2500) and Koumori Dragon(1500/1200) to join his Lord of Dragons, who, convinently, protected those same dragons from all targeted effects. "NOW GO SPILL HIS GUTS!" Seto shouted, his monsters obeying.

"Activate Laser Curfew!" Rayde ordered. Quickly, the trap card sprung up, forming a web-like structure of lasers, halting Kaiba's monsters from touching the other's monster. Smirking, Rayde discarded two cards from his hand and his Life Point counter decreased to 3000. "By paying 1000 Life Points and discarding any amount of monsters from my hand whose total levels equal eight, Laser Curfew blocks all attacks to me! Nice try, Kaiba!"

"STUPID DICKMONKEY! YOU DIE NOW!" Once again attaining his composure, Seto calmly folded his arms. "My move is complete."

Rayde drew(Raigeki), smiling once more. Sure, Yugi may have taken his FIRST Raigeki, but thanks to the authoring gods, he was bestowed with another! "I play Raigeki, which will kill EVERY monster on your side of the field! GO TO HELL!" He slammed the card in his machine, and thanks to really cool special effects, a shock of powerful lightning atomized every one of Kaiba's monsters. "And I'll switch Witch of the Black Forest(1200/1100) into attack mode and also summon Sangan(1000/600) to the field!" The brown fuzzball now appeared next to the black-clad witchy bitchy. "Now attack!"

Kaiba smiled goofily. "HAHAHAHAHAHA! You fool! I was expecting your attack!" He pressed a button, and a revolving circle of steel leaves manifested, blocking all strikes by Rayde's monsters. "Ring of Defense stops all Life Point damage to me for this turn!" Seto blew his tongue toward his adversary. "YOU SUCK!"

Rayde snorted. "Whatever. With Laser Curfew in play, you can't attack me. So go already."

Snarling, Seto snapped up a new card, only to laugh stupidly. "YAY! I'M GOING TO BECOME RICHER!"

"How?" Rayde demanded. "You can't attack me!"

"Not if I play this, ASSHAT! GO, SUICIDE HOLE!" Instantly, a GIGANTIC black hole materialized above the two duelists. "Suicide Hole instantly blows up every card on your side of the field, WITH NO COST TO ME AT ALL!"

And so it was done. Startled, Rayde screamed, "HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?! THAT CARD SHOULDN'T EVEN BE LEGAL!"

Seto grinned. "Easy." Now he looked at the reader. "It's a spoof, remember?"

"DAMN!"

"Now, by discarding three monsters from my Graveyard, I can summon Avenging Wyrm(3000/3000)!" Dark clouds flew into the sky, and from the heavens, a dark-brown skinned dragon blasted downwards, his body marked with jagged black stripes and lines. Happily, Seto pointed at Rayde. "ATTACK THE BASTARD NOW!"

The resulting explosion, like last time, drop-kicked Rayde toward the skies. "I NEED A BETTER EXITTTT!" he shouted, soon disappearing.

"Way to go, Seto!" Mokuba said.

But Seto was not too happy with the outcome. Now, he was jumping up and down, quite pissed off. "OH, NOT FAIR, NOT FAIR, NOT FAIR! WHERE'S MY DAMN MONEY?!"

"It's okay, Seto," Mokuba consoled, patting the elder Kaiba on the trenchcoat. "You're tired. Maybe you should have your nap."

Seto nodded. "Yeah, me tired now. Let's go home."

So, they left. With their departure, the closed-off street was now abandoned once more. But even though this part of the story is complete, two other battles are now in progress. Remember, the spirit of the Millenium Dark Magician Plushy was locked in a duel with Yami Celebi, and Amidamaru and his friends had just met a new face of terror known as Sephiroth. How will these struggles end? We'll find out, next time on-

"HELLO, READING PEOPLE!"

Seto Kaiba had returned, and was now squishing his face to the camera. "BLOOBY BLOO-BLOO!"

"SETO!" Mokuba shouted. "GET AWAY FROM THERE!"

Thanks to the whole nature of the spoof, I can use stupid cards that have no real purpose in the game! Here's a description of the custom cards in this chapter:

Dragon Left(Dragon-Type/WATER/4 Stars/ATK 3000/DEF 3000): If Dragon Right and Dragon Center are on the field with this card, you may place a Draconic Champion token(Dragon-Type/Light/12 Stars/ATK 9000/DEF 9000) in play. As long as Dragon left remains on the field, you must hold out your left arm at all times, even when drawing or playing a card. If you cannot hold out your left arm or do not have one, sacrifice Dragon Left.

Laser Curfew(Trap): Pay 1000 Life Points and discard any number of monsters whose total Level Stars equal eight in order to activate this card. When your opponent's monster attacks, negate that attack. To keep this card on the field, you must pay 1500 Life Points during your Standby Phase. If you cannot, this card is destroyed.

Suicide Hole(Magic): Suicide Hole cannot be countered. Destroy all cards on your opponent's side of the field. (BROKEN AS HELL!)

Avenging Wyrm(Dragon-Type/DARK/8 Stars/ATK 3000/DEF 3000): Avenging Wyrm cannot be Normal Summoned. You may remove two Dragon-Type monsters and a "Lord of Dragons" in order to Special Summon this card to the field. At the end of your turn, destroy Avenging Wyrm.

Now, what's wrong with this chapter?

A. Seto Kaiba was WAY out of his normal character.
B. Suicide Hole is extremely broken.
C. Dr. Evil didn't say the famous line.

If you guessed C, you're right! Like when you're playing Chrono Trigger, you can legally say, "People, I'm about to travel back in time. I bid you adieu."

Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when we use several Dual Techs on Chapter Fourteen: I'm In A Bad Brood.