THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.
A/N: Okay, people, time to get serious. A reviewer has raised concern over my use of Adolf Hitler in this parody. To you, I say this-I am well aware of what he has done. I am aware of the people he has killed and the acts he has committed. I am aware. However, my reference dictates to Mel Brooks' musical "The Producers", which in the midst of it was another play called "Springtime for Hitler". In that play, Hitler's acts are, in a sense, glorified, but then again, that musical, like this fanfiction, was designed to make fun. Keep in mind that Mel Brooks is Jewish as well, and he managed to poke fun at this otherwise evil man. That is merely what I am doing. I do not hate Jewish people, nor do I support Hitler's ideas. But in the end, they are ideas, and people must choose to accept or ridicule them. I apologize here and now if my use of Nazi propoganda has insulted any of my reviewers.
By The Helldragon
"Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR."-Mark Twain
Chapter Fourteen: I'm In A Bad Brood
The wise author handles a tragic past with care and responsibility.
After all, a character with a black-hearted rival, a mother crippled by
dark magic, a dip in the family coffers, and a shady memory is not tragic.
He has just been fucked over many times.
When we last left Kai Kaethen, Yoh, and Amidamaru, they were happily enjoying various licensed sodas while trying to figure out the mystery behind Necropotus, the spirit of the Millennium Dark Magician Plushy, who seemed to be Amidamaru's daughter. How this was possible, they had no clue. Before they could determine an answer, the street outside the soda shop exploded into a blazing inferno, and upon investigation, the trio discovered that Sephiroth was behind the carnage. Let's zoom in on the action...
"Sephiroth..." Amidamaru breathed. "I thoguht you were dead."
Sephiroth merely smirked. "No, Snake Plissken is dead. I, however, am not."
"I don't get it," Kai said. "Who's Sephiroth?"
"Haven't you ever played Final Fantasy VII, Kai?" Yoh asked.
The black-vested teen pondered for a moment. He did remember a game that had Final Fantasy in its title. But its final boss was some woman named Ultimaceia, so that didn't work. Ooh, what about that one game with the talking frog and the thing named Lavos? No, wait, that was Chrono Trigger. "I guess I haven't."
"What?!" Sephiroth seemed truly shocked. "Don't tell me you haven't heard of Final Fantasy VII!"
"Is that a problem?" Kai asked. Immediately after he said that, he wished to retract it, for Sephiroth, in one blinding movement, had closed distance between him and pointed the tip of his long katana to the other's throat.
"Yes, that's a problem!" Sephiroth hissed. "You have no clue what you're missing out on! The battles, the cool summons, the detailed graphics, the excellent sounds, and most important of all, the plot!" Sephiroth's tight point on Kai's jugular waned, and the white-haired man gained a distant look. "Ah, the storyline. Heralded by all as the best of its time, it wove a complex tale of intrigue, mystery, action, and most important of all, sorrow between its characters."
"This guy sounds like an advertisement," Amidamaru whispered to Yoh.
"I know what it's like!" Sephiroth suddenly declared, releasing all threat to Kai and looking toward the sky. "I know of the sorrow inflicted upon my life. I know of the pain I dealt to others, caught in a mad quest to claim my Ancient lineage. Why, I went so far as to slay an innocent young woman, for crimes she had never even spoke of!"
"Well, that's nice, but-" Yoh tried to say, but once again, Sephiroth cut him off.
"I remember it like it was yesterday," the Mako-infused general said, walking out to the middle of the street, ignoring the flames rushing about him and his unwilling audience. "I was in a Shinra van, riding along with that little pretty boy known as Cloud Strife. We were on our way to investigate a Mako reactor gone horribly awry. Little did I realize that my life as I knew it would turn into a downward spiral of destruction!"
"Yeah, but-"
"For you see," Sephiroth continued, "I was told that a woman named Jenova was my true mother. All through my life, I believed it. All through my life, I thought of her as kind and beautiful, a angel siphoned back to the heaven from whence she came when I was born. But there, at that baneful reactor, I learned of her true identity-as a horrible, monstrous creature, a alien from the sky, blasted onto this world, this planet."
"Sephiroth, we don't-"
"And from there, the delusion continued," Sephiroth ranted on, the plights of his listeners untended. "She began to speak to me as I pulled her tentacled form from its coffin. She convinced me to seize my moment, to reclaim the planet for the Cetras, for the being I held in my arms. As I travelled, fufilling her heinous demands, she spoke to me of one other. A girl who threatened to quaff my efforts. A girl whom I later realized controlled the planet's power within herself." Sephiroth's empty fist clenched. "A girl named Aeris Gainsbourogh."
"We don't care-"
Now Sephiroth's voice rose in a definite anger. "And I slew her! I destroyed that lone woman on the very tip of this blade itself! And what was my reward? Insurpassable agony borne on the edge of Cloud's sword! And a fate damned to writhe in cheesy fanfictions!" In climax, Sephiroth swung to face Kai, Yoh, and Amidamaru. "I know of pain! No one can compete against my agony!"
"Thou art mistaken, knave!" a new voice shouted. Er, croaked.
All glanced south, toward further carnage and chaos. When looked upon at a distance, and without the flames, the newcomer would seem like a valiant figure draped in shadow. However, illuminated and sought at close range, it really turned out to be a small, humanoid frog. Wearing white trousers, brown boots, and bronze armor over its green skin, cloaked by a green cape, this frog balanced a particularly large longsword in one hand.
"And who are you as to make such a claim?" Sephiroth jested.
The amphibian smirked. "I am refered to as Frog, villain!"
A pause. Then:
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Frog's mouth curled in irritation. "Dost thou think so poorly of my appearance?"
Tears of grand amusement were streaming down Sephiroth's face as he guffawed idiotically.
"Pretty much, yeah," Kai explained.
Now Frog seemed livid, his big yellow eyes reflecting rage. "Thou insult me, knave! My past is fiftyfold more tragic than thee!"
Sephiroth was calming down to a level of chuckling. "Oh, really? Does it concern the whole frog face?"
"A tad, but it delves into greater fields." Frog's expression now was distant, and he bowed his head. "Ages past, I knew a grand hero, one who stood for honor and tradition. In those days of yore, I was not as thou sees me, but of a different nature. I was this man's eager accomplice, watching in awe as he fought honorably in many conflicts. I was his student, of sorts. But most of all, I was his friend."
"Oh, here we go." Yoh sighed, settling in for another boring story.
But like the man in black, Frog would not relent in his tale. "In this time, our greatest foe hath turned toward the side of good, but in those days, he was of the most vile evil. Magus is his name-to speak of that man in precense of villagers would be to spark decisive fear. My friend was determined to transverse the lengths of the land to put an end to Magus, and foolishly, I trailed along. In my haste to do good with my friend, I forgot that I could not truly aid him..."
"Why must God punish me so?" Amidamaru whined.
The frog's sword was gripped ever tighter. "We confronted Magus and his foul disciple Ozzie upon Denaboro Mountain. My friend struck first, but Magus answered that blow with one of greater force. I barely hath time to mourn for my fallen ally before Magus inflicted me with this new form, causing myself to topple downward off the ledge. I survived that day, but my friend did not. And so, then and there, I swore to uphold his tradition. I bested Magus with other allies, and thought the deed to be done until we were determined to intertwine powers to cease the reign of Lavos, a creature of colossal destruction!" Frog's sword stabbed accusingly toward Sephiroth. "So thou sees! My story is one of loss, of depression, of union with the same person who destroyed countless lives! Thus, it is far more tragic than thee's!"
"So what?" Sephiroth shrugged. "I killed people. I blew stuff up. AND I went practically crazy! Now, if that's not tragic, I don't know what it is!"
"Thy tale is not tragic!" Frog countered. "Tis merely the delusions of a lunatic!"
This struck a chord. "I've had it up to here with your stupid crap!" Sephiroth snapped, raising a flat hand above his eyes to indicate his displeasure. "Now you DIE!"
"A challenge?" Frog croaked in amusement. "I accept thy jest!" With that, the amphibian swung his longsword into a offensive position. "And by the blade of Masamune, I shalt win through!"
"Masamune!" Sephiroth shouted. "Impossible!" He swung his own long katana forward. "My weapon is the Masamune!"
"Madman! MY weapon is the true Masamune! And I shalt prove it!"
"Go ahead and try, FROG LEGS!"
Yoh looked worriedly to his spirit companion. "Should we help, Amidamaru?"
Kai shook his head. "Nah. Let them fight it out."
So, with the flaming city as their battleground, Frog and Sephiroth both held their stance, respective Masamunes drawn, refusing to give in. On a whim, hit point and magic point meters appeared above their heads.
Frog: HP 1550/MP 160
Sephiroth: 2000/MP 235
"Cool!" Amidamaru said.
And Frog made the first move, leaping at his opponent behind powerful legs. Masamune sliced air and threatened to crash through Sephiroth's chest, but its twin had risen to deflect the blow, sparks rising with the strike. Unrelentless, Frog landed and chopped at Sephiroth's unprotected side, this time scoring a hit. Instead of clothes rending and blood spewing, a small white "156" appeared above Sephiroth's head, and his HP adjusted accordingly:
Frog: HP 1550/MP 160
Sephiroth: HP 1844/MP 235
"Spiffy," Kai said.
Now pissed, Sephiroth sent his own Masamune singing, and in a marvelous display of skill, slashed Frog through the head and twice in the chest. First a "200" appeared above the amphibian swordsman, then two "130"s popped up.
Frog: HP 1090/MP 160
Sephiroth: HP 1844/MP 235
Sephiroth drew back the katana to stab further, but then Frog was suddenly not there. Confused, Sephiroth looked ahead, where his opponent had moved to. Frog's arms were spread, his eyes were closed, and he was rapidly mumbling words under his breath. Quickly, Sephiroth found out why-an airborne tidal wave crashed down on him, registering 279 points of damage. Immediately Frog entered into a new attack, and as he bounded high into a smoke-filled sky, he disappeared briefly before falling upon Sephiroth, his sword inflicting 251 points more.
Frog: HP 1090/MP 148
Sephiroth: HP 1314/MP 235
"You're more powerful than I gave you credit for," Sephiroth snarled. "You've already lowered my hit points to nearly 1300. But I still possess the advantage!" Taking his own amazing leap backward, the green explosion of magic surrounded the man, and briefly, the black smoke parted as a jagged burst of lightning struck Frog, dealing an incredible 436 damage.
Frog: HP 654/MP 148
Sephiroth: HP 1314/MP 227
"Frog!" Kai and his friends shouted in worry.
Grunting, Frog managed to stand, his flesh undamaged by the miracles of videogame graphics. "The legends are true," he said, tighting Masamune's hold. "Thou art truly the Sephiroth of myth. Were you not a cruel dickhole, I should take pride in this duel."
Sephiroth's rage subsided for a moment. "Well, you're not so bad yourself, froggy. Now-" Masamune of Final Fantasy pointed at its target-"let us see whose Masamune is the greatest!" The black-caped warrior flew straight at Frog, who fiercely rose his weapon to ward the blow. Frog expertly forced his blade down, causing Sephiroth to stumble forth, before collapsing into a vicious slash at the other's back, the number 283 appearing. His next strike was met by Sephiroth's Masamune, who, in a violent arc, twisted Frog toward the side where the general could attack, dealing 145 further damage to the amphibian.
Frog: HP 509/MP 148
Sephiroth: HP 1031/MP 227
Soon, the two combatants' blades locked in another death embrace, Frog and Sephiroth struggling to use their weight to topple the other. Finally, Sephiroth won out, shoving Frog away, and drawing further power, sliced up the amphibian, Masamune striking and crashing with intense force and deadly accuracy. With each blow, Kai and friends "OOH!"ed and "AHH!"ed, sharing Frog's pain. When the devestating series of attacks had ceased, the final numbers had disappeared, and Frog was wallowing on the pavement, his Masamune scattered away from him.
Frog: HP 1/MP 148
Sephiroth: HP 1031/MP 227
"Well," Sephiroth said, his foot landing on Frog's head, "that was fun. But I'm afraid I win." He smiled maliciously. "Now say uncle."
"Mummph-mummph!" was Frog's vague reply. Noticing that Frog was eating pavement, and therefore could not answer, Sephiroth shifted his weight to the other's caped back. Now free to speak, Frog spat, "I will never bow down to thee!"
Sephiroth made a rude buzzing sound. "Wrong answer!" A heavy boot smashed into Frog's backside, and he cried out in pain. Grinning, his face full of evil, Sephiroth bent low to Frog's level, speaking to him as if he were a child. "Now, what was that again?"
Frog grinned right back. "Frog Squash."
"What?"
Frog pointed up. Sephiroth's gaze followed, leading to the thick spiraling trails of smoke in the sky.
His eyes widened as a gigantic frog of power fell from the heavens. "Holy-!"
SPLAT! With a resounding crash, Frog Squash flattened Sephiroth, dealing an amazing total of 1549 damage points. When the frog vanished, Sephiroth lay on the ground beside his worthy opponent, moaning in pain.
Frog: HP 1/MP 140
Sephiroth: HP 0/MP 227
"What happened?" Kai asked, astounded.
"Frog Squash inflicts points of damage equal to the amount of hit points Frog has lost," Amidamaru replied intelligently. He was given a look. "What?"
Grunting, Frog stood, and retrieved Masamune, sliding the blade back into its scabbard. "Thou are a formidable adversary, Sephiroth," he said, dragging toward the defeated man. "And thou hath repented for thy crimes. Mayhaps you shall become a warrior whom will be remembered for thy honorable deeds."
Without looking, Sephiroth grasped Frog's helping hand, and was lifted by the amphibian. "Thank you, Frog. That means a lot." Solemnly, he turned to face the the burning streets about the players. "Now I must stop this inferno before it destroys anything else." A blast of green magic erupted in a wave about him, and he raised the hilt of Masamune to the skies. From the smoke and above, stormclouds gathered and unleashed a torrent of rain, battling the fire and utterly triumphing. Of course, it cost Sephiroth 5 magic points, but it was worth it.
"Now THAT was a fight!" Yoh said happily as the others approached Frog and Sephiroth. "Maybe you two can form a team!"
Frog shook his head. "No thanks. We art of two different paths."
Sephiroth, however, was offended with that statement. "WHAT? Are you implying I couldn't cut it?"
"No, I was just-"
"See this sword?" Sephiroth snapped, pointing Masamune very close to Frog's brain. "THIS sword implies that I can most certainly CUT WHATEVER comes up! Understand?"
"Sir!" Frog retorted. "I'll thank thee not to wave thy blade at my face!"
"So?! You think I can't take you? You just got lucky back there!"
"I defeated thee fair and square!"
"BULLSHIT!"
Kai shook his head in annoyance. "I think they're going to make a great team..."
Amidamaru smiled. "True, true."
"That was sarcasm, Amidamaru."
"I'm well aware of that."
Once again, I apologize for my misuse of Sephiroth and Frog, two excellent swordsmen. All right, put the blades down, guys...
Now, what's wrong with this chapter?
A. Both Sephiroth and Frog delved into a unnecessary past of angsty
stuff.
B. The battle was not needed.
C. Where's my damn Knights of the Round?!
If you guessed C, you're right! Everybody knows that if you hit Sephiroth with Knights of the Round, he dies in both forms. Meanwhile, Mr. Emerald Weapon can take fifty of these and still live! What the hell's the problem here?
Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when we sign our John Hancock for Chapter Fifteen: Bloody Al Gore.