THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.
A/N: It's the Shameless Advertising Hour! Okay, do you people know SerenaArythusa? Well, she's holding this big AU Fanfiction Contest at her website, www.royaltwilight.com, and I KNOW some of you out there are itchin' to do some of that stuff, so you might as well go here. If you don't go for that, at least go for her hilarious Bakura-centric comic strip, "Take Me To Your Captain!" I even checked it out myself! I never advertise without checking out the place myself, and this site gets the Helldragon Seal of Approval! Now, go, and do your master proud!
By The Helldragon
"Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR."-Mark Twain
Chapter Fifteen: Bloody Al Gore
The wise author realizes that blood and guts are excellent tools for scaring adult readers. For children, however, the author will merely have to content himself with the explaination of a homosexual Tellytubby.
Some grand time ago, back in Chapter Eleven, Yugi and his friends met up with Mai Valentine, and, with Ryou Bakura's unwilling help, discover a small girl named Ruki, who in turn controlled the Millennium Dark Magician Plushy. However, when Yami Celebi returned to steal the Item, the MDMP's spirit, a swordswoman named Necropotus emerged, and through many cuss words, began to duel with the evil snotball. Here's the status of the field:
Yami Celebi has 3500 Life Points. She controls Luster Dragon on the field, and holds Unfriendly Amazon, Black Pendant, Bladefly, Elegant Egotist, and Woodland Sprite in her hand. Her turn has just ended.
Necropotus has 2100 Life Points with nothing on the field. She holds Messenger of Peace, Gravity Bind, Jinzo #7, Widespread Ruin, Dark Core, and Servant of Catabolism. Her Jinzo #7 has just been destroyed by Yami Celebi's Luster Dragon. Her turn is just beginning.
Now, to the action!
***
"I will crush you for insulting my mother!" Yami Celebi spat. "Make your move!"
Necropotus drew fiercely (Type Zero Magic Crusher). Hmmm. This card might be what she needed. "Okay, you green shitmonkey," the swordswoman said, "I'll place two cards face down (Widespread Ruin, Type Zero Magic Crusher) and summon Servant of Catabolism (700/500) in attack mode!" Instantly, a large blue snail thing materialized. "Guess what?" she asked. "This monster can also attack your Life Points directly! Have at you!" The Servant's shell glowed, emitting a beam of magic that sent Yami Celebi reeling.
Yami Celebi: 2800/Necropotus: 2100
"OW! You'll pay for that!" Angrily, Yami Celebi took a new card (Coercion). "Perfect! I'll use my Magic card, Coercion! I can look at of one of your facedown cards, and at the cost of 500 Life Points, I can destroy it!" On the yami's command, the green border card popped up behind her Luster Dragon. Yami Celebi pointed directly at Necropotus' Type Zero Magic Crusher. "Now, nuke that one!"
Necropotus smirked. "Good! I'll just activate the card you were about to destroy in response! Type Zero Magic Crusher does 500 points of damage to you for each Magic card I discard from my hand!" She pulled Dark Core and Messenger of Peace from her hand, sliding them into the slot on her Duel Disk labeled for her discard pile. "AND, since you paid 500 Life Points to use Coercion's other effect, you've lost more Life Points than a stupid asshole like you can count!"
A towering, purplish machine rife with tubes and gauges rose from Necropotus' card. It rumbled for a minute, green power drawing toward the thing, before exploding into a brilliant explosion, the resulting shockwave slicing into Yami Celebi, lowering her Life Points further.
Yami Celebi: 1300/Necropotus: 2100
"Yay…" Tristan went, already bored with it all.
However, the rest of his friends were overjoyed, like they usually are during otherwise simplistic duels. "Great job, whoever you are!" Yugi shouted to the swordswoman.
"Good shot!" Joey cried.
"FUCK ME, PLEASE!" went a desperate Ryou.
"HA HA HA," Yami Celebi laughed loudly and humorlessly. "Go ahead, keep laughing. But make no mistake! I shall defeat you, you snarky bitch!" She squinted at the field. "Hmm. Even though it would be easy to nuke your stupid snail with my Luster Dragon, I think I'll switch him into defense mode and summon another monster facedown (Woodland Sprite)." Yami Celebi grinned evilly to her opponent. "I'm done."
"In a few minutes, you will be." Necropotus took her card (Shooting Star Bow-Ceal). This wouldn't do. She needed another attacker to finish this quickly. Her Shooting Star Bow would be perfect, had she controlled another monster. For now, she merely said, "I'll place one more card facedown (Gravity Bind) and stop there."
"Running out of options?" Yami Celebi taunted. "Don't think I'm going to let you keep passing, now. I'm planning your defeat as I speak." Fiercely, she snapped up a new card (Harpie Lady) and grinned. "Excellent! I summon Harpie Lady(1300/1400) in attack mode!" A blistery tornado kicked up ("AUGH! MY EYEBALLS!" Yami shouted), and when it dissipated, there was the Harpie Lady in full bloom, still dressed in her traditional slutty garb.
"THERE'S MY HARPIE LADY!" Mai screeched in delight. "HI, HON!"
The Duel Monster waved back, then, like before, winked suggestively at Joey, who promptly began to freak out.
Yami Celebi pouted. "Okay…NOW I activate Elegant Egotist, which will split my one Harpie Lady into three!" As soon as the Magic card was played, the Harpie Lady's image began to waver extremely.
"Here comes two!" Tristan said as the monster was dissolved into two clones. The process repeated once again, and golden armor materialized over the three copies.
"Behold!" Yami Celebi declared. "My Harpie Lady Sisters(1950/2100)! And with the power of the Black Pendant, their attack power jumps another 500!" In unison, three black-pearled necklaces appeared around the slender necks of the Sisters, their stats increasing to 2450/2100.
"This is turning out to be more like Joey's duel," said Yugi. "Except, of course, more interesting."
"WHAT?!"
"I switch Luster Dragon to attack mode! ATTACK THE BITCHEROONYDOONY, MY PETS!" Yami Celebi intoned. At once, the amazing wind power gathered into Luster Dragon's maw, while the Harpie Lady Sisters drew their own magic.
"I don't think so!" Necropotus declared. "Activate BOTH my facedown cards!" Her traps rose to defend her. "Widespread Ruin kills the attacking monster with the highest ATK power, and Gravity Bind stops all monsters who are level four or higher from attacking!" At once, the Harpie Lady Sisters perished in a fiery explosion, and a spherical web emerged from the earth to trap the Luster Dragon.
"YAY!" went the cheerleaders.
"DRAT!" Yami Celebi swore like a melodramatic villain.
"And now," Necropotus declared, taking her card(Dark Overload), "I activate Dark Overload! By paying half of my Life Points-and yes, I know they have decreased by 500 points due to Black Pendant-and discarding two cards I control on the field or in my hand, I can increase my monster's attack points by 2000 until the end of my turn!" The web vanished, and a dark, evil power flowed to Servant of Catabolism, an aura of unholy light erupting about it.
"Oh, SHIT-" Yami Celebi's full curse word was cut off as a vicious stream of shadowy power crashed into her, the holograms detonating for no reason due to the attack.
Yami Celebi: 0/Necropotus: 800
"YEAH!" Joey shouted. "SHE WON!"
"Can you fuck me now?" Ryou whined.
"I'll foolishly assume that Yami Celebi is taking this defeat rather hard," Yami guessed. As one, all looked toward the snotty mastermind. But she wasn't crying hysterically. In fact, she was doing EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE! Laughing, mind you.
"Why are you laughing?" Necropotus demanded. "I won!"
"I am well aware of that," Yami Celebi replied, still smiling. "You have definitely proven your skill in the art of dueling."
"That's a relief," Tristan sighed.
From behind her back, Yami Celebi suddenly produced a large bladed staff, consisting of a dark purple magic. "Now you shall DIE!"
"HOLY SHIT!" Yugi shouted as Necropotus drew her own weapon. "That yami's gonna cut her up but good!"
"What can we do?" Mai asked worriedly.
Screaming a death cry, her opponent sternly awaiting the assualt, Yami Celebi leap straight up, holding her fauchard with fury, preparing to elapse into a full-bodied vertical slash. Time almost paused. On one side, the anxious crowd of Yugi, Yami, Joey, Tristan, Bakura, and Mai watched, worried. Necropotus maintained a balanced combat position, her longsword at the ready, her cape flowing in the wind. And in the air was Yami Celebi, rearing to strike, a malicious grin on its face.
When suddenly…
"SMOOCH TO THE MOTHERFUCKIN' DUDE!"
A colossal wave of light blue energy exploded between the two fighters from an unknown source. Now, it COULD HAVE hit the crowd, but they had either A) leapt out of the way at the last moment, or B) wasn't in the way to begin with, so don't sweat it. Anyway, it crashed into some building in the populated distance, but Yami Celebi, frozen in the air, was unconcerned with that. "Where in the hell did that come from?" she asked.
"Look!" said Yugi pointing south toward the hospital where they had desposited Matt and Tea.
And lo and behold, Matt Willard stood at the glass double doors! But now, for some odd reason, he was garbed differently. He was dressed in black pants and shirt, with a buttoned overcoat tinted dark blue, splitting into two sides at his waist. On his shoulder, he bore a black shoulder plate, with a red rim, and his right arm had an elaborate bracer of the same color. But, what was most important was the thin sword of quivering power he held in his right hand, colored just like the energy wave.
"Matt?!" Yami exclaimed. "What-how-why-"
Matt smiled. "I can't really explain it, either. I woke up just a few moments after you left my room, with this new clothing hanging on the coatrack. So, I took it."
"Not dat!" Joey shouted. "Da sword!"
Matt glanced at his energy weapon. "Oh. I'm not sure about this, either, but I think my battle with Szarbarus gave me more power than I thought. Now, I am…" Wind appropriately kicked up, his new coat dancing. "An Elemental Adept!"
"A WHAT?" Tristan asked, incredulous.
"Not only can I use general elemental attacks," Matt explained, "but I can also imitate the main elements of the world-Thunder, Water, Fire, Wind, Forest, and Earth-to a minor extent." His eyes narrowed; the others were giving him a dumbfounded look. "Don't ask me how I know. I just do." He pointed to the swordswoman. "Who's this, by the way?"
"I am Necropotus," the spirit in question answered, bowing. "I am honored to meet you, Matt."
"EXCUSE ME," Yami Celebi interrupted. She still was hanging in the air with her fauchard. "Can we please get on with the fight?"
"And don't go thinking I forgot you, Yami Celebi!" Matt said, smirking. "I've been itchin' for a chance to blow something up, and it looks like you're it!"
"Do you wish for me to step aside?" Necropotus asked graciously.
Matt nodded. "Thank you." He thrust his sword at Yami Celebi, who, finally, landed on the pavement. "Now your ass is MINE, bitch!" On cue, green health meters appeared above the heads of both Matt and Yami Celebi.
MW: /////////////////////////
YC: /////////////////////////
"This ought to be good," Mai said.
Snarling, Yami Celebi brought her fauchard about to meet Matt's withdrawn sword. "You talk the talk, Elemental, but can you walk the walk?"
Matt merely smirked. "Let's go. Vorpal Slash!" With a roar, he swung his blade, and the same energy stream attacked his opponent. Yami Celebi quickly spun her staff, creating a barrier to ward the strike. The elemental wave harmlessly crashed against this shield. Brow furrowed, Matt leapt to the sunny sky.
"It's time to die, fool!" Yami Celebi shouted, looking up at the airborne warrior. "Wave of Despair!" Her fauchard flew upwards in an uppercut, the resulting tidal surge blasting at Matt. The attack struck him head on, and he cried out in pain as he fell. The vicious blow had sliced into his clothing, and already, his chest was singed with blood.
MW: ////////////////////
YC: /////////////////////////
Matt quickly recovered on the ground, clutching his bleeding torso, now leaking down his shirt. "Oh, you think you're hot shit, eh? Suck it down!" His sword fell down, then sideways, making an arcane cross. "Katana Cross!" Before Yami Celebi could move, the attack blasted her with a fierce power, and she reeled, her grip faltering.
MW: ////////////////////
YC: /////////////////////
The spirit had been slashed in several places, and now, that lifefluid dripped down her chest and arms. "Damn…playing for keeps, are we?"
"I've always hated Mortal Kombat, but here we are," Matt said. As soon as he said it, he attacked again. "Thousand Knives!" Closing his eyes, he put the flat of his sword to his body, and instantly, many rows of white hot daggers assembled about his body, all pointed at Yami Celebi. She immediately prepared to block them all, but even she failed to comprehend the speed at which the daggers struck. They blasted through her body with impudity, slicing her limbs to bloody ribbons, tearing flesh and sinew into a large, gory pulp.
MW: ////////////////////
YC: //////////
"Oh, holy hell!" Joey swore.
Panting, with crimson flowing down her lips, Yami Celebi regarded her opponent, which didn't really intimidate since her body looked like a bloody Swiss cheese. "You are quite powerful, boy…it's such a waste that you can't be evil…"
"I can most certainly be evil!" Matt sniffed. "I've done it before! I found this little ball monster thing that could make people fall in love, and-"
"Wave of Despair!"
MW: ////////
YC: //////////
"MATT!" his supporters cried.
Matt fell to his hands and knees. That last attack had tore up his coat like a motherfucker, and now, impossible amounts of blood tainted his black shirt. He mustered himself to look up at Yami Celebi, who was rapidly approaching him. "Damn…you…"
KICK!
MW: //////
YC: //////////
Yami Celebi harshly kicked Matt in his ribs, sending the boy to the cold ground. "Eventually. Though I must say, you'll be going sooner than I will." Solemnly, she raised her fauchard. "Goodbye, Matt Willard. It wasn't so great to know you. In fact, I'd rather forget it. But now I kill you, then I forget it." The fauchard chopped downwards…
"Fearsome Joust!"
That attack didn't come from Matt. He was too busy bleeding on the pavement. Nor did it come from Yami Celebi. In fact, she was the recipent of that attack-a blade, glowing holy white, had pierced through her heart, spilling more blood about her, mixing with the lifefluid from the earlier Katana Cross. Weakly, Matt looked up.
Necropotus, in Yami Celebi's moment of triumph, had charged up her blade and run through the spirit. With a sickening sound, the weapon was released from its victim, and, gushing buckets of gore, the spirit stumbled about, its fauchard fading. The swordswoman looked to Matt.
"FINISH HER!" she shouted, like that dude from Mortal Kombat.
Grinning nastily, his energy sword returning, Matt stood. Severly injured, yes, but actually quite a handsome sight when compared to the other. The boy delcared, "Now to use a move I don't technically own, but I'm stealing it 'cause it looks cool!" His sword shone brightly.
And Matt Willard, with a vengeance, slashed and cut and sliced and diced Yami Celebi with dozens of furious sword attacks in every alternating direction. Then, the boy leapt straight up into the air, and the tip of the weapon glowed ever further.
"OMNISLASH!"
Needless to say, Matt could cut it. And he did. Right into two bloody, disgusting pieces.
The remains of Yami Celebi fell opposite directions with a squish.
No one spoke for a while. No one breathed. Well, technically, they did, but you couldn't hear it, 'cause, you know, it's shocking and stuff. Matt held his finishing pose on the ground, his sword at the ready, breathing heavily, his clothes stained a dark ruby.
Then, loudly, Ryou spoke. "WELL, THAT WAS FUN! Can we fuck now, Necro? Please?"
"VORPAL SLASH!"
"OKAY! OKAY! I'LL STOP ASKING! DAMN!"
Necropotus stared at the Millenium Scheiss that used to belong to Yami Celebi. Finally, she bowed to Matt. "You are more deserving of this prize, Matt."
"Nah…" Matt said, blushing. "You're the one that beat her in a duel to her Item."
"But you are the one that defeated the meance for good!" Necropotus said.
"That's true!" Hastily, Matt shook his head. "No! You have it!"
"No, you have it."
"You have it."
"You have it."
"You have it!"
"You have it!"
"Okay, I'll take it, then!"
Both Necropotus and Matt looked to Yami Bakura, who had come up and taken the Schiess. He grinned innocently. "What?"
"Vorpal-"
Yami Bakura grimaced. "Sorry! Here!" He tossed the golden shit to Matt, then promptly retreated into the Millenium Ring.
"Excuse me," Tristan proclaimed, holding up a finger. "Does anyone else here have a problem with the face that we just killed Yami Celebi, who had really taken over an innocent girl?"
All answered. "No."
"Okay, I'm cool," Tristan said.
"Man, I am hungry!" Joey groaned. "I need some food!"
"I need a new wardrobe," said Matt, looking at his clothes. Then he fainted from the blood loss.
"Not again," Mai sighed, rolling her eyes.
So, they all helped Matt back into Domino Hospital. But little did they realize that Yami Celebi's corpse had mysteriously vanished…
And, you know, insert evil laughter here.
Okay...that was weird. Now, I used two cards in this chapter that are my own creation (Coercion and Dark Overload) but since I explained them in the chapter, I'm not doing it again.
Now, after this whole series is said and done (yes, it will END!) I will have to consider a new humor fic. Here are the options I'm musing over. If you have an opinion on these, EMAIL ME at helldragon4000@yahoo.com.
1. Write a fanfiction that's, well, humorous, but actually has a plot. Hard to do, but otherwise feasible and satisfying, like Mom used to make.
2. Make fun of a movie.
3. Make fun of a TV show. And no, we're not making fun of the show Yu-Gi-Oh itself.
4. Actually continue "The Madness of Yami Marik!".
Now, what's wrong with this chapter?
A. They were spilling blood too easily during the fight.
B. Matt could not have healed that quickly.
C. Ryou is desperate for sex.
If you guessed C, you're right! Ryou's got enough fangirls on him, so he must secretly be a major pimp.
Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, (and this is for you, all you fangirls!) when we, gulp, chug down the crappy taste that is Chapter Sixteen: "Slash" and Burn.