THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.
A/N: NOOOOOOOOO! THAT PISSASS NOAH TURNED SETO KAIBA AND SERENITY TO STONE! I know Seto's always wanted to get stoned, BUT NOT LIKE THIS! ARGH! YOU DIE NOW, PISSY BOY!
Ahem...sorry. Anyway, this chapter is, unfortunately, NOT about slash like I said it would be. I've decided that I can't write about slash off the top of my head. I need to READ it. Shudder! But it must be done. So keep watch, slash authors! I MIGHT JUST DROP BY!
By The Helldragon
"Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR."-Mark Twain
Chapter Sixteen: OH, YEAH!
The wise author must NEVER, EVER, EVER use Duffman in their fanfiction unless ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY for beer promotion.
Kai Kaethen rolled his eyes to the heavens, nary a trace of dark smoke above. It was some time after he, Yoh, Morty, and Amidamaru left the burning battlefield where a black-coated swordsman named Sephiroth and a amphibious warrior called Frog fought in semi-mortal combat. Now, without something to watch, or to do, Kai was immensely bored.
Of course, Morty had something to do. Having not been present at the fight, he was now eagerly listening to Yoh and Amidamaru describe the conflict, with Yoh using alternating "BOOM!"s and "BAP!"s. Kai looked about; the streets were surprisingly empty of duelists, especially in a huge city such as Domino City. He was still in Battle City 2, right?
"Hey, Kai!" Yoh suddenly said. "How many Locator Cards you got?"
Kai dug briefly into his pocket, and produced three clear cards. "Three. All I need is four more, and I'm in the finals." He looked forward again. Hopefully, his most desired adversaries would make it as well. There were two. First off, there was that denim-clad teenager called Matt Willard. Suffice it to say, Kai had never seen him duel before, so whether it would be easy or not depended. Then there was that green blob known as Yami Celebi. Ooh, he wanted to "moider" her so bad! If the gods smiled upon him, then he might get his chance with one opponent, maybe both.
"What's that?" Morty asked.
"What's what?" Amidamaru asked back.
"That upbeat, rockin' sound," the smallest replied.
"I think it's coming behind us!" Yoh said, turning about.
Kai did so too. But he immediately wished he hadn't. No amount of preparation could have saved him from this awful sight approaching him now!
The air was rocked with steady, beating drum music, and up the catwalk strutted an exteremely out of place character. His powerful body was clothed in a tight, light blue sleeveless shirt, with the word "Duff" written across it in black, curvy letters. His pants were also light blue, but more baggy, and his strutting was done in white boots. Around his waist was a steady supply of various beer cans, and on his head, sunglasses and a red ballcap sat.
But that wasn't the most important thing. Around his wrist was a Duel Disk, already loaded with a deck. Kai arched an eyebrow. Who could this person be?
Unfortunately, the man answered that for him. "OH YEAH!" he shouted at a distance to the party, thrusting his pelvis outward, grinning stupidly. "Duffman is here at Battle City 2! And he's looking for you, you SEXY THING!" His finger jabbed at Yoh.
"What the hell is he babbling about?" Amidamaru questioned.
Duffman, if that was the man's true name, slowly walked up to Yoh, thrusting every step. "OH YEAH! Duffman's looking to groove on you! Duff Incorporated, our god and my sponsor, is looking for Kai Kaethen! Is that YOU?"
The white gloved finger landed closer to Yoh's nose. He grimaced. Kai spoke up. "Why do you want to know?"
"Because Duffman is looking for a DUEL! OH YEAH!" Duffman thrusted once more, inching dangerously near Yoh's midsection. "Duffman wants to duel Kai Kaethen for the rights to the Battle City 2 finals, making the previous rounds a complete waste of time! OH YEAH!"
Yoh's pleading eyes convinced Kai. "I'm Kai Kaethen!" he declared, bravely stepping forward. "And I accept your challenge, Duffman!"
"OH YEAH!" Duffman shouted. "It's time to DUEL! And if I win, this SEXY THING is all mine!" He poked Yoh in the stomach, smiling.
"Please win, Kai!" Amidamaru said.
The ring was soon set up. Kai and Duffman stood at a distance, their Duel Disk all ready to go, their Life Points at 4000. Kai drew his five cards. "I'm going first! I'll place one card facedown and summon Retrained Celtic Guardian(1400/1200) in attack mode!" Behind the resulting elven warrior, standing with his sword ready, a card appeared.
"Now it's Duffman's turn! OH YEAH!" Duffman glanced over his hand, and grinned. "Duffman will play one card facedown and summon Surly Duff(1800/500) in attack mode! OH YEAH!" A man encapsuled in a giant Duff beer bottle manifested, along with another card behind him. "Attack!"
Surly Duff pulled out a giant mace and waddled toward the Retrained Celtic Guardian. Before he could make contact, Kai pressed a button on his Duel Disk. "I activate Shadow Spell! This trap card lowers your monster's attack points by 800 for the remainder of the turn!" From the violet card, black chains burst forth, wrapping about Surly Duff, who started cursing.
"Now attack, Retrained Celtic Guardian!" The warrior dashed at the beer man, his sword slicing clean through, and Surly Duff exploded into holographic shards.
Kai: 4000/Duffman: 3600
Duffman laughed. "Duffman thanks Kai Kaethen for that attack! Now Duffman can activate his trap card! Super Malty Duff!" This card appeared on its back, and from the picture, a can of Super Malty Duff popped up to Duffman, which he quickly grabbed, opened, and quaffed. "Whenever one of Duffman's monsters with the word "Duff" in it is destroyed, Duffman gains 1000 Life Points! OH YEAH!"
Kai: 4000/Duffman: 4600
Kai snarled. "Those Life Points will soon be gone! It's my move!" Snatching his card, Kai formulated his plan. Duffman was now completely defenseless. A bit of direct attacking ought to save the day. And this new monster was perfect for the job. "I sacrifice my Retrained Celtic Guardian in order to summon Chaos Command Magician(2400/1900)!" The Celtic Guardian dissolved into shards like Surly Duff had, then reassembled into a tall wizard, lined in black-gold robes with an ebony staff.
"Now attack! Shadow Lightning!" The magician pointed his staff's tip to the sky, gathered dark thunder, and lashed it at Duffman, causing the beer-binger to fall on his ass with an explosion of electricity.
Kai: 4000/Duffman: 2200
"Great shot, Kai!" Morty cheered.
Duffman mustered to his feet, and thrusted again. "Duffman commends your skill, Kai Kaethen! But Duffman must defeat you in order to get to the finals!" His new card sent a grin across his face, just like every other card. Picking his cards, Duffman slid them in. "Now, Duffman summons Duffbot(2000/0) in attack mode by discarding Can Parts from his hand!" As smashed parts of discarded Duff fluttered away, a being consisting of more Duff cans digitized, his right arm making a Duff chaingun.
"Egads!" Amidamaru declared. "More Duff cards!"
"And Duffman will also play Duff Couch Control! By paying 1000 Life Points, Duffman can decrease the attack points of your Chaos Command Magician by half!" Kai's monster was forcibly dragged onto a brown couch. Duffman thrusted happily. "And then, it does it again!" Chaos Command Magician(600/1900)'s staff was replaced by a Duff, and he began to watch a sudden television in front of him, drinking heartily.
"Oh, shit!" Yoh swore. "That TV's playing Shaman King!"
"Does this TV make my butt look big?" Morty asked, pointing to his digital counterpart.
"Now," Duffman shouted, waving at the occupied Chaos Command Magician, "attack, Duffbot! Duff Bullet Time!" Time slowed down, like in the Matrix, and the camera revolved as Duffbot peppered Kai's monster with lead.
Kai: 2600/Duffman: 1200
Kai gritted his teeth. Curse it all! While he had less Life Points than Kai, Duffman controlled the field with that Duffbot! And nothing in his hand could defeat it! Unless, of course, he were to draw just the card he needed in order to win, like he'd seen in those TV shows! Closing his eyes, he drew, and opened them, expecting the card he wanted.
When Spell Shield Type-8 looked back at him, in a tone that clearly said, "HA! I'm not the card you need!" Kai shouted several profanities very loudly. He was then given a look. Kai sighed. Oh, well; he had to make do. "I'll place one card facedown and a monster in defense mode (Kycoo the Ghost Destroyer)."
Duffman chuckled at Kai's weak move. "Duffman thinks you're running out of options! Now Duffman will take a card!" So he grinned again. "Even though Duffman loses his Duffbot, he can still form a defense! Duffman summons Duff Blue Bomb(0/0) in attack mode!" A gigantic blue Duff can popped up in front of him, and Duffman lovingly patted its top. "If Duff Blue Bomb is destroyed as a result of battle, Duffman gains Life Points equal to the amount of attack points of the monster that destroys it! OH YEAH!"
"But you forget," Kai mentioned, "if your Duff Blue Bomb is blown up, you will be utterly defenseless!"
"Duffman is well aware of this technicality! It's Kai Kaethen's move!"
Kai drew. His eyes widened as Dark Magician stared back at him. He had Buster Blader and Polymerization, so if he were to fuse, he could make the Black Paladin. However, if he attacked with just that, Duffman would gain 2900 Life Points! But then again, if he flipped Kycoo the Ghost Destroyer, he could negate that. Kai flipped his defense monster. "I'll reveal my facedown Kycoo the Ghost Destroyer in attack mode!" A red-robed magician appeared, standing from his crouched position.
"Duffman is amused at your move!" Duffman laughed. "If Kai Kaethen attacks with Kycoo the Ghost Destroyer, Duffman's Duff Blue Bomb will just give him more Life Points! OH YEAH!"
"He's not my only attacker!" Kai grinned, slamming Polymerization home. "I'll use Polymerization to fuse my Buster Blader and Dark Magician together into the Black Paladin(2900/2500)!" Briefly, the purple-clad Dark Magician floated next to the blue-armored Buster Blader, and the two locked their respective staff and sword. Like a Scrubbing Bubble, the monsters flowed together, as if being flushed to Austrailia, only to reappear as a blue armored magician with a sword.
"Nail that bastard!" Yoh encouraged.
"Kycoo the Ghost Destroyer! Attack with Spirit Spell!" The resulting mass of magic crashed into the Duff Blue Bomb, and Duffman's Life Points jumped to 3000.
"Duffman thinks this is gonna hurt!" Duffman shouted, recoiling, knowing full well what was going to happen next.
"Black Paladin!" Kai commanded, his masterful monster flying high. "Strike now! Black Edge!" The Black Paladin's sword glowed an unholy black, and as he swung the blade, a shadowy wave of power exploded from the steel, slamming into Duffman with impressive looking effects.
Kai: 2600/Duffman: 100
"Yay!" Amidamaru cheered. "The pervert's almost dead!"
His skin smouldering, Duffman weakly stood. "Duffman will make you pay for that attack! Duffman draws!" He did so, this time with no grin. It seemed that all of the fun of Duffman had been smoked with the Paladin's attack. "Duffman places one card facedown and summons a monster in defense mode(Hundred Beer Bottle Wall)!"
Kai eyed those cards. Even with victory so close, he'd best not go for the kill just yet. He picked a new card, and said, "I'll switch Black Paladin to defense mode and have Kycoo attack your monster again!"
Duffman grinned, his sunglasses gleaming. "Duffman anticipated that attack! Hundred Beer Bottle Wall(300/2000) will protect Duffman's Life Points!" Kycoo's Spirit Spell clanged uselessly off of a sturdy, tinted wall, made enitrely of beer bottles, the recoil costing Kai some Life Points.
"Now Duffman activates Duff Barrel! As long as Duffman keeps a monster with "Beer" or "Duff" on the field, any monster that attacks Duffman is destroyed, and its controller loses half of its attack power in Life Points!" Laughing further, Duffman leapt on a sudden, humongous cannon, and as he pulled the trigger, it shot a stream of steady beer, crashing into Kycoo, then Kai.
Kai: 1500/Duffman: 100
"If only that beer was real…" Morty sighed.
Drenched in holographic booze, Kai drew. "You may have the advantage now, but this duel's not over yet!" Monster Reborn looked back. Better save that one, Kai thought. "I'll end my turn here."
"Duffman not only has the advantage, he will also have the win!" The beer pusher drew a card. Ah, the Duff Defender. This little number could only be used when Duffman had no monsters on the field, as it took the blow for Duffman. "Duffman will also end his turn! OH YEAH!"
Okay deck, Kai thought, looking at his cards. If I can get the card I need, then you can sleep in the Duel Disk again, doing whatever it is that cards do in their free time. He narrowed his eyes. OH, YEAH! Come on…
And Breaker the Magic Warrior gave Kai a thumbs-up. How it could was a mystery. But Kai did not care. "Yes! Prepare to fall, Duffman!"
Duffman snorted. "Duffman thinks you're crazy! There is nothing Kai Kaethen can do! OH YEAH!"
Kai grinned. "Not quite! I summon Breaker the Magic Warrior(1600/1000) in attack mode!" with a flash of whirlwind light, a red-armored warrior materialized. "Breaker comes with a token that increases his attack by 300 points, but I can use it to destroy your Duff Barrel!" Breaker's sword glowed blue, and the light slithered off to slice Duff Barrel in two, neutralizing it and causing Duffman to fall.
"Now, Black Paladin, attack Hundred Beer Bottle Wall!" The vorpal edge incinerated the wall. Kai smiled. "You're done, Duffman! Attack, Breaker the Magic Warrior! Arcane Sword!"
"Duffman will stop your attack with this Quick-Play Magic card!" Duffman called, sliding his final card into the slot. "Duff Defender will automatically take all damage this turn!"
"Wrong!" Kai rebutted. "By discarding a card from my hand, Spell Shield Type-8 will cancel the effects of your magic card!"
"It does?! OH NO!"
"Breaker, ATTACK!" Breaker swung in a vicious upward arc, slicing Duffman with the full power of holographic might.
Estatic, Morty, Yoh, and Amidamaru shouted, "Duffman has been defeated! OH YEAH!"
"And I'm going to THE FINALS!" Kai triumhantly cried, leaping up with joy.
However, their celebrations were instantly cut short. Duffman, now locked in a sort of dementia, was standing feebly after the last attack. Insanely, he cackled, and swiped the sunglasses off of his face, allowing the company to look upon his eyes. Kai gasped-there were no pupils within Duffman's eyes!
"What's going on here?" Amidamaru demanded.
"I see you have defeated my servant," Duffman spoke, but his voice possessed a clear German tone. "It doesn't matter if you go to the finals, Kai Kaethen! I will still defeat you all and control Europe!"
"Actually, this is Japan," Yoh mentioned.
"Well, Europe's next to Japan, isn't it?" the puppet said. "Anyway, you haven't seen the last of me! And to make sure that you don't forget me…ATTACK, MY SLAVE!"
Roaring stupidly, Duffman lunged at Yoh. The shaman could not move fast enough, and was now on pavement, being molested by Duffman. Enraged, Kai leapt forth and slammed his foot into Duffman's side, knocking the man away. Kai's fist repeatedly struck Duffman's nose as he hovered over the other, until Duffman was knocked unconcious.
"You okay, Yoh?" Morty asked as the shaman lifted himself up.
"Man, that's the third time this week that's happened," Yoh said.
Everyone gave him a look. "What?"
"Who was that person that possessed Duffman?" Amidamaru asked.
Kai's vision fell across Duffman's non-energetic form. "I don't know. But I'll find out. Or my name's not Magma Dragoon."
"You aren't Magma Dragoon," Morty said.
"Exactly."
Guess what? I actually attempted to write a decent duel this chapter. You'd better be pleased, Time Mage! Writing good duels is harder than I thought!
Now, what's wrong with this chapter?
A. Duffman was in this fic.
B. Kai couldn't just hop and skip to the finals in one duel.
C. If Magma Dragoon was mentioned, he should be here by now!
If you guessed C, you're right! Magma Dragoon is my god and our sponsor! Where is he?!
Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when, FINALLY, we do slash in Chapter Seventeen! It's horrible, but must be done!