DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything you recognize. If you actually attempt to learn anything from this fanfiction, and are sadly disappointed, it's not my fault. Well, it kinda is, but you get the idea.
THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.
A/N: I haven't updated for a LONG while, so don't be surprised if this chapter BITES, even though it's slash. I'm going to be placing together my web site and writing consecutive chapters of WEB OF THE MANTIS, so don't panic too much. Okay, I'm done ranting, so just enjoy!
YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES!
By The Helldragon
"Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR."-Mark Twain
Chapter Seventeen: Slash and Burn
The wise author, if he ABSOLUTELY MUST use slash in his writing, does so with style and grace. Of course, if he does it period, then he will get female reviewers, no matter what.
Matt occupied himself by delving into his now clean jacket and throwing scoops of complimentary Domino Hospital ice cream into his mouth. "Damn, I love this place. I've got to come here more often."
"But you're all better now," Yugi reminded him.
"Yeah, that's true." Matt observed the party of friends before him. "So it's back to Battle City Two we all go."
"Yeah," Mai said, folding her arms. "Maybe we can actually get some duels in."
Joey socked a fist into his waiting palm. "Yeah…maybe I can find dat little germ Weevil and waste him again!"
"Hell, I'll do that without a Duel Disk," Tristan mused.
Matt smirked haughtily. "Yeah, but I can kill him at the same time." He clenched his fingers together, and his hand burst into an aura of light blue energy. "Ah, elemental power…how could I have lived without you?"
"Well, you've done it for sixteen years already," Ryou suggested.
"Don't you have a bitch you could be chasing after?" Matt asked dryly.
Yugi looked about. "Matt's right. Where is Ruki?"
Suddenly, Ruki, the holder of the Millennium Dark Magician Plushy, sped into the room, a wide grin on her childish face. "Yugi Yugi Yugi Yugi!"
"What?" the older boy asked.
Ruki began leaping up and down with excitement, which should have been an effort, seeing as how she balanced a heavy plush Dark Magician in her hands. "You gotta see! You gotta see! She's up! The nice lady's up!"
"Nice lady?" Mai repeated.
"Couldn't be Mai, then," Matt quipped. He merely grinned as Mai gave him a nasty look.
"What did this lady look like?" Tristan asked Ruki.
The young girl stopped jumping, but kept on smiling. "Oh, she's tall, and she's got brown hair, and she's really nice!"
"Brown hair!" Yugi gasped. "That sounds like Tea!"
"All right!" Joey shouted, pumping a fist. "Tea's back!"
"Let's go see her, then!" Ryou said.
Promptly, the friends filed out of the room. Matt was the last to go, as he was still putting on his jacket (those damn things take forever) and polishing off that really spiffy ice cream. But even as he prepared to leave, a sudden cold chill elapsed through his system. Startled, he looked about him.
"Now what the hell was that?" he asked. A few moments passed, the fates offering no easy answer. He shrugged. "Oh, well. Guess I'll find out later." And he exited the room as well, making sure to take the Millennium Schiess.
It took Matt a while to find Tea's room, partially because he got distracted by the fun elevators the hospital had to offer, and laughed at the comedic accident victims (guy with pipe through his head, woman with a lava lamp in place of an arm, and so on). Finally, he discovered the room, and with a practiced flair, he swung open the door, strode in, and shouted, "LUCY! I'M HOME! BABALOO!"
The man who occupied this room instead of Tea imemdiately suffered a stroke. Grimacing, Matt quickly left as nurses and doctors rushed to help. So, Matt tried the room next to it-he swung the door open, strode in, and proclaimed, "LUCY! I'M HOME! BABALOO!"
The man in this room also collapsed into a stroke, and Matt was running long before the notification was made. Tenatively, he approached a room titled with the number 41. "Okay, if she's not in this room," Matt said to himself, "then I quit." Slowly, he tipped the door open, peeked inside, and whispered, "Hello, Clarece…"
Thankfully, his friends were all here! Matt sighed, and entered fully. "Thank God I found you people. This hospital is hell."
"I thought you liked it," Ryou said.
"I didn't ask you." Solemnly Matt looked to the bed they all were surrounding. Sitting up under the sheets, garbed in hospital wear, was the one and only Tea Gardner, looking none the worse for wear. Matt smiled. "Hey, kid."
Tea smiled back at him. "Hi, Matt! How's it going?"
"Well, I've become an elemental," Matt said, making a bold stance.
The brunette nodded. "I know. Yugi told me everything." She pointed to the ground, where Yugi had passed out from relating his intensely long tale. "He also told me what put me in the hospital in the first place."
"Whoa," said Matt, intervening with his hands. "Don't bitch at me, all right? I had to waste Szarbarus with Ultima Destroyer, and you were in the way. I didn't want to hurt you, but I had to beat the bitch."
"I love his bedside manner," Joey quipped to Tristan, who nodded.
"That's okay," Tea said. "If you hadn't defeated her, then I don't know what would have happened."
"I think we would be most certainly dead," Yugi said, suddenly awakening from his slumber.
"And that is a bad thing," Matt added. "So feel proud that I am your champion, little people!"
Mai rolled her eyes. "Delightful."
"So," Tea said, changing the subject, "are you going back into Battle City?"
"Yeah!" Joey said. "All I need is four more locator cards an' I'm in da finals!"
"I need three to get in," Yugi added, checking his stash of clear cards.
"Two for me, hon," Mai inserted, holding up seven crystalline cards.
Matt's eyes widened. "AH, DAMMIT! I NEED SIX MORE!" He promptly elapsed into a standard freakout session leaping about the room in a deranged manner. "HOLY FUCKIN' SHIT, HOW IN THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO GET SIX MORE DAMN LOCATOR CARDS WHEN I HAVEN'T EVEN FOUGHT ANY DAMN DUELS?!"
"Did he do this a lot before I was knocked out?" Tea asked, arching an eyebrow.
"Yeah," asserted Ryou.
Yugi stepped over to relieve Matt. "Calm down, Matt. I'm sure that you'll be able to get to the finals. You just have to get in some quick duels."
Matt sighed. "But where am I going to find a duel now?"
A high-pitched giggling invaded the scene, focused near the room's solitary window. Startled, the friends turned as if one creature to the noise. Perched upon the windowsill was a rotund sort of creature. Upon further inspection, Matt noticed that the thing was essentially a gray ball, with red hands and feet, but with no limbs to connect them to the main body, and a red heart plastered on its stomach. The creature also had rounded eyes similar to Yugi's, but these had blue pupils instead of purple ones. And already, the whole thing was irritating.
"Heeheeheeheehee! My master desires a duel?" it asked. "I desire a duel, too! Heeheeheeheeheehee!"
Matt's eyes widened with shock. "Holy shit! It's Hart!"
"Hart?" Yugi exclaimed. "That monster who attacked us before Battle City Two, when it was under Matt's control?"
"I thought you bashed that thing to bits!" Tristan said to Matt.
The elemental's brow narrowed. "I did. But it seems that, somehow, Hart was able to regenerate himself." Matt released a mild smirk. "And it looks like the servant wishes to destroy the master."
Hart's innocent expression considerably darkened. "Correct! Heeheeheeheeheeheehee! I haven't forgotten our last encounter…"
***
"NOW," Matt screeched, spreading his arms, "MY MOMENT OF TRIUMPH IS NIGH! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" He continued to laugh maniacally even as the Passionate Persuasion hit him. But when nothing changed, when he felt or believed nothing new, he stopped. "Huh? What happened?"
"It didn't work?" Serenity asked, relieved.
"It didn't?" Matt repeated. "Do you not feel anything toward me? Anything at all?"
Serenity shook her head. "No."
"DAMMIT!" Matt screamed. "HART! WHAT THE HELL WENT WRONG?!"
Hart seemed truly shattered for a change. "I don't know...unless...heeheeheehee..."
"UNLESS WHAT?! CLARIFY THAT UNLESS!"
Hart settled on the ground. "My people pass down a legend. It speaks of a certain individual, reincarnated throughout eternity. It speaks of his amazing ability. A Passionate Persuasion cannot affect him, nor can any other man or woman fall for this particular person. They call him 'the Chosen One'. And, you are probably him...I'm sorry, my dark lord...heeheeheehee..."
Matt stood perfectly still for a moment, even with the dancing couples and the cloud-gazing gay guys. Then, he broke. "DAMN YOU, HORRIBLE FATES!" he shouted, bellowing to the heavens. "DAMN YOU AND ALL OF YOUR FUCKING EVIL DEEDS! WHY MUST I BE ETERNALLY DAMNED TO NEVER GET LAID?! WHY?!"
"My dark lord-" Hart began, but was interrupted as Matt roared in rage, running over to Hart.
"I'M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU FUCKING LITTLE BAG OF BALLS!"
And so, with a tire iron, Matt smashed Hart to unmistakable death, slamming his weapon repeatedly into the flesh of the creature…
***
"Wow!" Tea said, amazed. "Hart does Matt's voice really well!"
"It's all annoyin' and whiny like it's supposed ta be!" Joey added.
Hart sighed, drawing the attention of the room back to him. "Yes…that cowardly, merciless beating I suffered was so not fun. And why? Because I did what you said, master. I wreaked chaos, and you rewarded me with death." Suddenly, he broke once more into that inane laughter. "Heeheeheeheeheehee! But now, I can have my revenge!"
"No, you won't!" Yugi declared, facing the malevolent monster. "We won't let you harm anyone else!"
"Well, technically, he didn't harm people," Ryou said. "He just made them fall in love."
"Watching you try to make out with yourself is harmful," Tristan dryly commented.
Mai folded her arms. "Thank God I wasn't here for that."
"Can we PLEASE get back to the matter at hand?!" Hart screeched, rending all others with its high pitch. It took considerable effort to calm down. "Anyway, as I was saying, I challenge you to a duel, Matt!" Boldly it thrust an accusing finger at Matt. "Then I will have my revenge! Heeheeheeheeheeheehee!"
A cocky smile crossed Matt's visage. "So you think you're good enough to beat me, kid? But, you see, your Passionate Persuasion attack can't affect me." With a flourish, light blue energy flowing through his arm, the elemental snapped his hand forward, and a thin blue blade leapt from his fist, crackling with power. The impressive light played over all present.
Matt's eyes dargerously narrowed. "But my attack can hurt you."
Hart, however, did not seem impressed. "So, you are going to duel me?"
The elemental's energy sword twitched. "Damn straight."
"Must we do this here?" Tea asked worriedly, sitting up higher.
Hart's face rose in a mouthless smile. "Oh, don't worry…we'll be going outside. But you…" Suddenly, from the pocket of nowhere, it produced a heavy leather-bound tome, loaded with golden lettering on the cover. "Heeheeheeheeheehee! You all will be preoccupied!"
"Watch out!" Joey exclaimed. "It's gonna kill us with literature!"
"He's probably going to read 'Johnny Tremain' to us!" Tristan gasped.
Hart trembled with the weight of the book. "Heeheeheeheeheehee…no, that would be too cruel. Instead, I'm going to read you a bit from one of my favorite stories." It showed the letters to the company. "And with it comes your destruction! Heeheeheeheeheehee! Guess what it's called?"
"Don't tell us! It sounds horrible!" Mai said.
"It is!" Hart cackled. "Behold the title of your destruction! Heeheeheeheeheeheehee!"
"No!" went Ryou.
"It's 'The King and King!' Heeheeheeheeheehee!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" the entire group screamed.
A pause. Then Yugi said, "Wait a minute. That doesn't sound so bad."
Matt frowned, still pointing his energy sword at Hart. "I've never even heard of the damn thing."
The monster ball thumbed open the book, turning to a key page. "Heeheeheeheeheehee! You will! Allow me to read this passage to you!"
Matt drew his sword. "Oh, no, you don't!" The blade trailed a stream of power as Matt rushed forward, preparing to drive the weapon into Hart's squishy flesh. But before he could dive on his foe, the assualting power of baneful words flowed into his skull, as Hart's awful dictation rended his senses.
Time froze for the companions. They saw nothing. They experienced nothing. All they heard was Hart's reading, done really badly in that squeaky voice everybody hated. Everybody failed to move.
And suddenly, Matt blinked, finding himself still in the hospital room, sword still raised, still in a position where he could strike at Hart. "Okay," he said, lowering his risen leg. "What the hell just happened?"
Hart laughingly closed The King and King. "Heeheeheeheeheehee! Just turn around and find out!"
Matt was immediately aware of several distasteful sounds behind him. Turn around? Dare he do so? What dark spell had gripped his friends that left him as defenseless? Slowly, preparing to launch an energy sword in case his friends had been converted to mindless brain zombies from Pluto, Matt turned around.
After the events of his short reign of dark masterfulness using Hart, Matt had experienced several nightmares on the subject. Endless passion between his companions, passion that disgusted him, especially the love-makin' that he wasn't in on! So naturally, Matt honed his wits for such an encounter, knowing full well of what Hart was capable of.
But nothing could have prepared him for the horrific scene playing before his eyes!
"I don't know how I lived without you," Yugi sighed seductively as he ruffled Joey's blond hair, the two wrapped in each other's arms on the floor.
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Matt screamed.
"Hey, quiet down, man!" Tristan said angrily, as Ryou occupied himself inside Tristan's shirt. "We're busy here!"
The elemental freaked out, holding his eyes. "MY EYES! THEY BURN! AHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
He paused for a minute as he shockingly observed what Mai was doing to Tea. Then: "EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Heeheeheeheeheeheehee!" Hart cackled. "Such delightful chaos to reign over you all!"
Snarling in rage, Matt swiveled away from the nauseating destruction to face his arch-nemesis. "HART! What in the flying hell did you do to them?!"
"I merely read them a passage from 'The King and King'," Hart calmly explained. "It has been banned in this country because it tells the story of a prince who finds his true love in another prince." His face twisted in that trademark sneer. "So you know why I had to have it! Heeheeheeheeheeheehee!"
"And you bewitched the book in order to force my friends to rock the casbah with each other!" Matt declared. "You little BASTARD! You've just accounted for several years of therapy!"
Hart just clapped in joy. "Heeheeheeheeheehee! Yes!"
"But you've made one mistake," Matt said, finally gaining his smirk back. "Your love-inducing magic didn't work on me. And don't think I'm going to let you walk away!" He threw his arms back, and his body flared in a visually impressive display of power. "I'm gonna pound the living piss out of you!"
"Of course you're unaffected by my magic!" Hart retorted. "I need you focused in order to fight me! And I will be the one to pound the piss out of you! Heeheeheeheeheehee!"
"Let's go then, motherfucker!" Matt yelled, beginning energy gathering to his fingers.
Hart twitched in disagreement. "Heeheeheeheeheehee…but's a tad small in here. Perhaps we should take this outside?"
Not listening, Matt shouted back, "BITCH! YOU WANNA TAKE THIS SHIT OUTSIDE?!"
Hart sighed. "That's what I said."
"Oh…"
***
Outside Domino Hospital, the sun shone over the combatants, a watchful referee of the ensuing battle. A crowd had gathered rather quickly (when Matt shouted profanities at lightning speed to someone else, people tended to come and see what was going on). In one corner of the circular square, Matt dusted off his sleek clothing, and practiced making a few swords to waste time. Hart just jumped lightly up and down, his fists forward like boxing gloves, jabbing empty air.
"ALL RIGHT!" a very loud man in a black and white striped shirt called, moving to the center of the ring. "THIS WILL BE A THREE-ON-THREE POKEMON BATTLE!"
"This ain't a Pokemon battle, DUMBASS!" some guy from the audience said.
He was shot by the loud man's rifle. "AS I WAS SAYING, BOTH COMBATANTS WILL FIGHT UNTIL HIS OR HER LIFE POINTS HAVE BEEN REDUCED TO ZERO!"
"This isn't a duel either, SHITMONKEY!" another guy shouted.
He was also shot by the loud man's rifle. "WHOMEVER LOSES THE BATTLE WILL BE SUBJECT TO HIS OPPONENT'S FATALITY!"
"You stupid FUCKHOLE! That's from Mortal Kombat!" yet another guy called.
Now really pissed, the loud man extracted a gatling gun from his trouser pocket and moved down the complainer's section of the crowd, flurries of bullets spilling blood into the blue skies. "ANYBODY ELSE GOT A PROBLEM?!" he screamed, pointing multiple gun barrels at the living.
"NO, SIR!" the crowd and the fighters shouted in fear.
"Good." The loud man turned to Matt and Hart, who had ducked to avoid his rampage. "ARE YOU READY TO BATTLE?!"
"Damn straight!" Matt declared. He entered a martial arts pose, with hands ready to attack.
"Heeheeheeheeheehee!" Hart just laughed, also preparing for combat.
Instantly the world shifted into one of those cool 2D Capcom fighting games, like Marvel VS. Capcom or Marvel VS. Street Fighter, except with better graphics and less secret characters.
Hart bounced on screen, at first just a black ball, then reforming into his true shape. He uttered a cool, dubbed quote: "Heeheeheeheeheehee! May the powers of love destroy you!"
Matt flew on screen, inviting Hart to an ass-whupping with his palm, then charging up briefly. "You know, I have to kick your ass just because you're here."
Big numbers flashed just below the life bars. 3…2…1…
FIGHT!
Matt quickly tapped Down, Southeast, and Right. His Vorpal Slash animation began as the elemental swung an energy blade, firing a powerful wave. Hart jammed backwards to execute a blocking animation, then slammed Southeast and Down, blasting a stream of fiery Heart Burn at Matt.
"AUGH!" Matt cried in pain, the Heart Burn singeing his hide. "You'll pay for that!"
Matt's three-level bar drained somewhat as he pressed Left, Southwest, Down, Southeast, and Right, motioning for his trademark attack. He threw his hands to his right, streams of energy flowing. Above him, a picture-in-picture thing happened, with Matt in some cool pose, before his digital character thrusted forth like shooting a fireball. But this attack was a beam of energy known as the Megaton Cannon, and it crashed head-on into Hart.
"That's it!" he shouted, jumping back up. "It's time to unleash my most powerful move ever! GO SUPER ART!" The background exploded in a flash of hippie color, and Hart motioned Left, Southwest, and South TWICE for his ultimate power.
"Behold the instrument of your destruction!" Hart intoned.
"What are you going to do?" Matt asked. "Hit me with a Valentine's day greeting card?"
"Even worse!" The ball monster rose into the air, as he was surrounded by cool crimson. "I'm going to BORE YOU TO DEATH WITH STUPID 'LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT' STORIES!"
"AHHHHHHHHH!" Matt screamed. "ALPHA COUNTER! ALPHA COUNTER!"
Hart cackled. "TOO LATE! ONCE UPON A TIME-"
But little did Hart know that Matt's Alpha Counter had indeed kicked in!
Silence.
The screen went black as Matt, flanked by power, crossed his arms and tucked in his legs, elemental strength flowing to him from all walks of the plane.
He threw his body outwards. "FINAL EXPLOSION!"
Blistering shockwaves assualted Hart at first, only to be followed by a gigantic explosion centered in on Matt's heart. It sliced mercilessly through the ball monster, rending its flesh, tearing into bone, if it had any, spilling its gore about until nothing remained.
"HAH!" said one of the guys who got shot earlier, as soon as the effects faded. "I knew this was like Mortal Kombat!"
Matt looked at the loud referee, who had ducked away during the fight. "May I?"
The other nodded.
So Matt shot that guy again with his rifle.
***
"Now," Matt said to himself as he walked up the hospital's flight of stairs, "if I know my evil spells, and I don't, they always end whenever the evil villian has been vanquished in a visually impressive battle of wit and skill."
But a thought gripped the elemental as he neared the dreaded room 41. What if the spell had not ended? What if his friends were eternally doomed to couple in very, very weird sex? What would he do?! Then he figured it out. He would end this madness if the spell had not ended…BY DRIVING HIS SWORD INTO THEIR SKULLS!
"AND THEN TROGDOR COMES IN THE NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGHHHT!" Matt screeched as he burst inside, energy blade flashing. Quickly he swung the deadly length about. "OH, VILE TEMPRAMENTS OF DARKNESS, FEEL THE POWERS OF SALVATION FREE YOUR MINDS FROM THE CORRUPTION OF SAME-SEX SEX! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"What da hell are ya talkin' about?" Joey asked.
Matt paused, his blade lingering in the air. Everyone was either standing, or sitting in Tea's case, in natural positions, and not at all in those weird modes that Matt had seen. His brow furrowed. "Wait a minute…"
"What?" Yugi asked. He seemed completely unaware as to what had transpired.
The elemental frowned. "Weren't you all…you know…rocking the casbah?"
Tristan arched an eyebrow. "What?"
"You know! Shaking your groove thang? Getting your freak on? Doing the vertical tango? Reaching third base? Doing it like they do on the Discovery Channel? Getting it on? Need I continue?"
Mai shrugged. "Probably."
Matt slapped his forehead. These people were just not getting it!
But was that so bad? NO! Matt forced a smile, walking over to Tea's bedside. "Well, never mind. The good news is that I have dispatched Hart!"
Ryou nodded. "We know."
"It looks like you're the guy to go to now if there's evil in the world," Tea said.
Matt blushed with pride. "Yes, yes. It seems that way."
"Think you're up to it?" Yugi asked.
Hmmm. Good question. Could Matt use his powers, snazzy as they were, to defend the planet from the most darkest of evils? Well, he could try really hard, at least. And that was good enough for him. "Yes!" he declared. "I will fight evil wherever it may show up! For I am Matt, and I am…" He paused, trying to think of a good quote. "Well, I'm Matt, I guess…"
"Hey," Joey began, "why did ya run in here screamin' with your sword?"
"Oh, that?" Matt snorted with humor. "I thought for a minute that you were still possessed by the evil spell Hart put on you all!" He laughed heartily. "And I was fixing to kill you, too! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Man, would my face have been red! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Hey, what's this?" Ryou asked, picking up a thick book from off the floor. "Hmmm…'The King and King'…"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Matt shouted as Ryou opened the pages…
***
Five Minutes Later…
"Who knew that you could reach third base while standing on your head?" Yugi said, stroking Joey's soft hair.
"Yeah." Joey sharply rung a small bell at his side, next to Yugi's leg. "MAN BITCH! Get me somethin' ta drink!"
Matt frowned, balancing a silver platter with two wine glasses. "Yes, Sahib…"
This chapter is sponsored by Sexx-U-Upp Publishing Company, proud distributors of the Karma-Sutra.
Now, what's wrong with this chapter?
A. Male/male sex is NOT COOL!
B. There needed to be a plausible explanation for Hart's revival.
C. Hell, I agree with option A!
If you guessed C, you're right! But then again, if you picked A, you're still good to go.
Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when we question the plausibilty of Chapter Eighteen: It Came From The Writer's Desk!