THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.
A/N: It's been a while, eh, heroes? I was going to update WEB OF THE MANTIS next, but then I got Chrono Trigger again, and I spent time going through its massive structure, and then afterwards, I read a bit from Writer's Digest, and as you may know, if I read tips about writing well, I find I cannot do so the next few days. So, I instead decided to update an old friend. Hope you're satisfied as well as I am!
For some reason...I don't see Yami Marik and Tea kung-fu fighting on top of Kaiba's Duel Tower. It's...um...stupid...
By The Helldragon
"Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR."-Mark Twain
Chapter Eighteen: It Came From the Writer's Desk!
The wise author resists the great urge to throw normal people of his plane into ones where they should not tread. Remember, even in alterante universes, such characters can receive eviction notices.
"Ah," Kai Kaethen sighed, holding all nine locator cards in one hand. "At last, I have all nine locator cards I need to enter the Battle City Two finals." He leaned closer to the cards. "They're all so…precious. My precious…no one shall ever have our precious…"
"I think you've looked at those long enough," Yoh said, taking the cards and shoving them into Kai's jacket.
The group of Kai, Yoh, Amidamaru, and Morty were now travelling through Domino City. Now unhindered by the pressures of dueling, Kai felt the overwhelming desire to indulge in some sort of sugared product. Unfortunately, he had no money on him to spend on abovementioned sugared product.
An idea came to Kai. "Amidamaru?"
"Yes?" the ghostly samurai answered.
"Can you go get us some candy? I mean, you can just pass through a candy shop and steal it, right?"
Amidamaru considered this. "You know, that would be a good idea." But then, he screamed, "IF MY FINGERS DIDN'T PASS THROUGH EVERYTHING I TOUCHED!"
"Hey, that reminds me," Morty said. "If another guy walks through Amidamaru, could you technically say that they did IT?"
"I respect you greatly, Morty," Amidamaru just replied, "so I'm not going to say how incredibly stupid that question is."
"OOH! OOH! I've got one!" Yoh shouted. "How many ghosts does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
Amidamaru shook his head. "Oh, here we go…"
"None! Because ghosts can't touch light bulbs because their hands pass through! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
For a brief moment, Amidamaru Spirit Formed into Yoh to slap the boy rapidly upside the head, leaving as soon as the punishment was over. "This is why we don't leave Yoh to his own devices."
Kai groaned loudly. "OH, I WANT SOME CANDY! Is there nothing that can provide me with some?"
In response to a completely different rhetorical question, a emerald orb of power suddenly materialized in front of the group. Upon Yoh's reflexive "OOH! Pretty lights!", the ball thingie swelled with desicive energy.
"What is that thing?" Morty asked.
"Probably one of those portals that summons an incredibly huge and powerful demon," Kai said.
A pause. Then:
"HOLY CRAP!" Yoh shouted. "WE'RE GONNA GET KILLED BY A DEMON!"
"No, YOU'RE gonna get killed by a demon," Amidamaru said. "I'm already dead."
"Can't you just kill it?" Morty said.
Yoh's features dawned in realization. "Hey, yeah! I've got powers and stuff! Amidamaru and I can team up and kill it!"
"But what if it can't die?" Kai asked.
"Then may God help us all." Yoh threw an open palm to Amidamaru. "Amidamaru! Into the sword!"
As Yoh drew his katana, which he had won from a hobo in a game of checkers, Amidamaru melted once more into that blue flame. The shaman took hold of his burning guardian ghost and slammed the force into his sword's hilt, infusing the weapon with ancient power. At once, it became surrounded in a pale blue aura, and red armor plating flowed over Yoh's arm from the sword's handle.
"I'm gonna send you back to Hell, demon!" the armed shaman now declared, pointing the blade's keen tip at the building sphere.
Morty had switched on his Gameboy, and was now currently slamming the buttons in a frenzy. "Dammit! Shadowman's kicking my ass!"
"HOLY CRAP!" Yoh shouted, now realizing the truth. "THE DEMON'S REALLY SHADOWMAN!"
But before Kai could run over and slap Yoh upside the head, the orb exploded in really nifty green flashes. Screaming, the four were knocked down, and they were not to stop until the madness was over.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! (What's going on?!)" Morty yelled.
"AAAAAAUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH! (The ball thingie blew up!)" Amidamaru hollered.
"AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH! (Now we're all gonna die at the hands of Shadowman!)" Yoh bellowed.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (I can't keep this up for much longer!)" Kai blared.
However, much to the relief of the screamers, the emerald haze now lifted. And as the fog cleared, one could notice a dimly detailed outline centered where the orb once was. And naturally, as the fog decreased, the detail increased on this particular outline. Little did the four friends realize that this was their cue to run, though. For, even though Shadowman did not await them on the opposing end of the mist, something far greater was about to rear its ugly head…
"OH MY GOD! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!"
Kai couldn't believe it either. Personally, he wanted to see Shadowman. Shadowman was actually pretty cool. But this newcomer? Not really. After all, he'd seen teenage girls wearing T-shirts that had various male anime characters with the word "Bishies!" above them and blue jeans and sneakers with repeats of that same word before. And this girl was no exception.
"Awwww!" Yoh whined, standing up. "I wanted Shadowman!"
The girl did not hear this. Instead, she ran over to Yoh, grabbing him by the shoulders. "Are you really Yoh?"
Yoh grinned stupidly. "Yes. Unless I have an evil clone, or worse, an evil brother. But I don't think I do, so yes."
Everyone's eardrums threatened to shatter as the girl released a very loud squeal, hitting an octave that dogs could probably hear. "OH MY GOD, IT REALLY IS YOU! THIS ISN'T SOME SORT OF FANTASTICAL DREAM!"
"I wish it was," Amidamaru remarked, unplugging his ears.
"Excuse me," Kai said, stepping forward to meet the girl, "but who the flying flick are you?"
The girl responded by poking deeply into his chest. "How dare you speak to me that way! The nerve!" She scoffed. "I don't even know what TV show YOU'RE from!"
"What are you talking about?" Morty asked. "What TV show?"
The girl slapped her head. "Of course! How silly of me! You see, I come from…" She twiddled her fingers. "A DIFFERENT DIMENSION!"
"Let me guess," Kai said. "We're entering the Twilight Zone?"
"NO!" The girl sighed. "Let me explain."
"Wait a minute," Yoh interrupted. "Can you tell us your name so the author doesn't have to keep refering to you as 'the girl'?"
The girl (gah!) nodded. "Very well. My name is Amanda Sephiroth Snape Yusuke Cloud Heero Vash Kenshin Inyusha Lupin D Third!"
"My God, that's a long name!" Amidamaru gasped. "What is it composed of?"
"BISHIES!" Amanda squealed. "Anyway, I was in my room, watching Megaman NT Warrior (TM)-my God, I can't believe those stupid American dubs sometimes-and I was writing various fanfiction involving me and the Bishies."
"Fan…fiction?" Amidamaru asked, raising an eyebrow.
"A pile of crap in word form," Kai supplied.
"Ah."
"When SUDDENLY, a giant portal opened in front of me!" Amanda flailed her hands dramatically to illustrate the effect. "And I got teleported here, which I, of course, know to be Domino City!"
"Incredible!" Yoh gasped. "How did you know when I didn't?"
"We didn't ask!" Morty snapped back.
"And, ALAS, I am stuck here with no way to get home!" Amanda sighed, placing the back of her palm to her forehead dramatically. "Can any of you nice, avaliable men help me?" She glared at Kai. "Except you."
"Why not?"
"You don't even have your own show. >:P!"
Kai assumed a confused look. He had never heard of the peculiar expression Amanda had just used. "What did you say?"
This was answered with a "--". What it exactly meant was the true question. Kai looked to his friends. "Do any of you know what that means?"
"What does what mean?" Amidamaru asked.
"The dash, underscore, dash, and asterisk."
Yoh shrugged. "It's sexual?"
"WHAT?????!!!!!!!!11111" Amanda snapped, leaping at Yoh. The girl forced the boy to the ground in some sort of violent combative motion that Kai couldn't properly identify. "How dare you indicate sex things about me and that no-show-no-go freak!!!!!!"
"HEY!" Kai now said, pointing a useless finger at Amanda, who now was attempting to drive her hips into Yoh more than maul him. "I don't need a show to be cool! Matt Willard doesn't have a show!"
"But he's not cool," Morty reminded Kai.
"Oh, yeah…"
"People, people!" Amidamaru said, spiriting himself between Yoh and Amanda. His chilling touch was enough to separate the two combatants. "Fighting will get us nowhere! Granted, it's fun to watch, especially with beer and pretzels-Rold Gold (TM) brand pretzels, now in Extra Salt flavor!-but for now, perhaps we should take Amanda with us until we can figure something out."
Amanda smiled. "Okay! !"
"Okay, what was that one?" Kai said.
"It's a happy face!"
"Looks like a caret, underscore, caret. Now, unless you're growing a garden, in which case you might was to put some potatoes in there, that's not going to work." Kai irritably massaged the fold of skin covering his nose's bridge. "If you're going to travel with us, we need to establish the same lines of communication."
Amanda blinked her eyes in a rapid, random series of mathmatecial formulas.
Kai sighed. "I just won't talk to you, then."
"Okay! !" Amanda pointed to the heart of Battle City 2. "Lead the way, bishes and poser-bishie!"
"Fine-wait, what did you call me?"
"You know what I just realized?" Yoh said to Amidamaru.
"What?"
"I must be a star now."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, look around."
Amidamaru did. He found nothing remotely odd. Granted, they were walking in the middle of the street in Domino City, where rushing cars made their domain. But that wasn't it. Granted, these cars weren't driving now because their drivers, as well as every person in the vicinity, had trailed over to their small and otherwise inconspicious group. But that wasn't it. Granted, every person about them was now actively worshipping their new saint, the dashing and noble and beautiful and skilled and absolutely postivily (except that last word) perfect god, Miss (but soon to be Mrs.) Amanda Sephiroth Snape Yusuke Cloud Heero Vash Kenshin Inyusha Lupin D Third…
…wait a minute. (pants in exhaustion) Damn, that's a long name…(pants some more)
Okay, okay, I'm back. Anyway, other than that, Amidamaru had no clue. "Okay. We have people following us. So what?"
"Well, when I was young, and I did something that made my grandfather, you know, …"
Amidamaru rolled his hands. "Go on…"
"Anyway, he said that someday I would be a star. Of course, it took me a while to figure out that he did not mean I would be kicked so high into space that I would burst into flames, which at that point I would technically be a reverse meteor and not a star, but he meant that lots of people would like me."
"Okay…"
"That time must have finally come. I don't know why, but being a star smells like catfish. Maybe it was that hobo I got my katana from. I don't know."
Kai frowned, joining the conversation. "Personally, I think it's that girl."
"Who?" Morty asked. "There's so many!"
"You know," Kai said. "Amanda Sephiroth Snape Yusuke Cloud Heero Vash Kenshin Inyusha Lupin D Third-"
He then collapsed from lack of air. Amanda noticed, and turned about quickly with a panicked squeal. "OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111 Are you all right?"
Kai slowly opened his eyes as languid gasps replenished his air supply. "Yeah…just…give me…a moment…"
"You don't have a moment!" Amanda sobbed. She fell to Kai's level, her tear-glistening eyes lookingly(woops, there's another unperfect word! ;) longingly into his. "You're gonna die, and it's all my fault! JUST BECAUSE MY NAME IS SO AMAZINGLY LONG, YOU'LL DIE! OMG, IT'S ALL MY FAULT!" She cried massive rivers of tears, and at once her followers mimicked her.
And, amazingly, this emotional display managed to recharge Kai.
"THAT'S IT!"
Not in the good Energizer Bunny way, though.
Kai's boot lashed out, and Amanda Sephiroth Snape Yusuke Cloud Heero Vash Kenshin Inyusha Lupin D Third was knocked awry, caught by the impact in her midriff. The boy stood angrily. "I'm sick of all of your…your…" He thought for a moment. "Help me out, guys!"
"Idiocy?" Amidamaru suggested.
"Stupidity?" Morty advised.
"Stupidioticness?" Yoh recommended.
"Yeah! That one!" Kai pointed past the confused and shocked followers to their god. "Your stupidioticness has screwed up everything! So just go away!"
"I thought you were the calm one," Morty said.
"I was due for a temper tantrum," was Kai's wise reply.
Surprisingly, Amanda stood calmly. "I just wanted to make peace with you, Kai." Her eyes flashed blood red. "Now I'll just have to make you into pieces!"
The features of her followers twisted. Sex, race, age, and all others were mixed together until every individual save for the heroic four were silver masses of liquid metal. Reducing themselves to slush, they flowed toward Amanda Sephiroth Snape Yusuke Cloud Heero Vash Kenshin Inyusha Lupin D Third, who had also become silvery as well. The very skin of her arm retreated, revealing an intricate metal skeleton underneath, which quickly shifted in shape until resembling some sort of phaser.
"Holy shit!" Yoh shouted. "She's a Terminator-bitch!"
"We prefer Termimatrix," the robotic Amanda replied, with a slight crackle to her voice. She thrust her weapon at Kai. "Now, Kai Kaethen, once you die, there will be no rusty spike that is thrown by your grandson at SkyNet, because you will be dead, and thus you will have no son, and thus, will have no grandson."
"Wouldn't it be easier just to go back in time and kill the grandson?" Morty asked.
Amanda's processor beeped for a moment as it considered the idea. "Well, yes. But then I wouldn't get to kill you."
"I just won't let my friend die!" Yoh shouted, drawing his katana. "The only way he dies is by old age, chocolate, or Shadowman! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The shaman leapt at Amanda, his katana bearing down on the robot's skull.
(Fight scene removed for security reasons)
"Yoh!" Morty shouted at his beaten friend, who wallowed in pain before Amanda.
"You thought that a military tactical strike would stop me?" the Termimatrix asked her opponent. "Little did you realize that the Japanese military is weak and ineffective, like George Bush!"
"OOOH!" Amidamaru shouted. "BURN!"
"Now," Amanda spat, pointing her Lean Mean Ass-Kicking Gatling Gun Machine at Kai, who backed away slowly, realizing his impending doom. "Now you die! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111"
"Great," Kai sighed. "I got raped before I got killed."
And the "got killed" part would have come true, had not a black specter fallen across the landscape. Suddenly noticing their world drenched in shadow from behind, all present at the scene looked up and over at the sight before them. The sun had been muffled by a gigantic, terrifying figure, looming over the skyscrapers of Domino City as if they were mere Lincoln Logs. Its entire massive outline was populated by jagged pints and edges, and as detail made itself cleared, they noticed it was, in fact, rocky scaled skin, attached to one of the biggest motherfucking dragons any of them had ever seen.
At once, the four screamed.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! (What's going on?!)" Morty yelled.
"AAAAAAUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH! (It's a really big Godzilla on steroids!)" Amidamaru hollered.
"AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH! (Now we're all gonna die, but it won't be by the hands of Shadowman!)" Yoh bellowed.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (I didn't even get my own show!)" Kai blared.
"Oh, shut up," the dragon suddenly said in a deep masculine timbre. He sighed, releasing an irritated squall from its nostrils. "Really, all of this screaming is bad for my ears. Look at them." He pointed to his skull. "They're just tiny little holes on the side of my head! Look at them!"
"Just who are you, anyway?" Amanda demanded, placing her gun at her hip, which was kinda hard considering its massive size.
The dragon tilted his reptilian chin toward Amanda. "To properly pronounce my full title, I would have to pull out your tongue, but since you technically you have a voice box instead, you just don't need to know."
"Look, I'm very busy getting killed here," Kai said, "so if you don't mind, can you gore me now and stop wasting time?"
"You are mistaken, Kai Kaethen!" the dragon declared, rising to his full majestic height. "I have come to protect you from this time-travelling assassin bitch! You see, Amanda Sephiroth Snape Yusuke Cloud Heero Vash Kenshin Inyusha Lupin D Third has a gigantic rap sheet for killing things, especially people and mailboxes, so I was sent to eliminate her for good!"
"You're just one of the many warriors sent to destroy me!" Amanda rebutted. "In case you're wondering, I killed all of the other ones, and there were a lot!"
"But I will succeed where they have failed!" came the dragon's oh-so-stinging reply.
"Then let's go!" Energy cells within the Lean Mean Ass-Kicking Gatling Gun Machine charged as Amanda pointed the weapon at the dragon. "I have travelled through time destroying countless enemies! That freaky cathedral in the Middle Ages, that blue monster thing that was only vulnerable to magic, Golems, that giant black tyrannosaur that's about your size, those weird robots in the future, which I was formerly a part of, but not anymore-all of those and more I have destroyed, and you will be no different, you ugly piece of-"
"Dragon Smasher!"
The dragon promptly stepped on Amanda with tetonic force.
"Why didn't you do that to begin with?" Amidamaru asked.
"Because it's funny to kill them while they're talking."
"I owe you my life, really big, really red dragon!" Kai said to his savior. "But who are you, anyway?"
"I know what lurks in the hearts of men," the dragon replied, suddenly growing grim.
"So you're the Shadow?" Kai asked.
"What? No, wait, wrong phrase. Okay-I'm faster than a speeding bullet!"
"You're not Superman," Amidamaru said.
"Dammit! Um…in the name of the moon, I will punish you?"
"I REALLY hope you're not Sailor Moon," Morty said.
"Ah, fuck this! All know my true name! Except you. But I will tell you now!"
The city exploded in a blaze of doom. Fire crackled about the dragon with his supreme message. "I am The Helldragon!"
"Ooh…pretty lights!" Yoh smiled.
The dragon sighed. "Not the reaction I expected…"
Yep. You knew this was coming. The dreaded AUTHOR INSERTION! DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!
Now, what's wrong with this chapter?
A. A normal girl was mysteriously teleported to the world of the fanfiction.
B. This normal girl was utterly perfect for some reason.
C. There was no Shadowman!
If you guessed C, you're right! We want Shadowman, DAMMIT!
Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when we shovel the stable that is Chapter Nineteen: Insert Author A Into Pile Of Crap B.