I'm going to think up a new disclaimer! I own a folder with all my ideas for fics in it and that's all... I'm going to write some more of the story now!

Harry Potter and the Meaning of Life

Chapter Eight

Harry, Ron and Hermione were all walking back from Quidditch tryouts when Ron started yelling out that he saw Remus disappearing into the Forbidden Forrest.

"Ron," said Hermione, "your just having hallucinations again."

"No," protested Ron, "I haven't touched the stuff since I saw him the first time."

"I saw Remus too," said Harry.

"See," said Ron, smugly.

"Humph," said Hermione.

"Ninny hammer," muttered Harry under his breath.

There was an uncomfortable silence in which no one knew what to say.

"Urm... It's a good thing we've got a quidditch team again," said Hermione

"Yeah," agreed Ron. "Harry, as seeker, of course; me, keeper; Ginny, chaser-"

"James Boag, chaser; Jack Daniels, chaser; Jim Beam, beater; and Sam Buca, also a beater." Finished Harry.

"I wonder why Remus keeps popping up randomly," Hermione pondered aloud.

"I dunno..." said Ron

"It could be-"Harry started but never finished because he walked straight into Tonks.

"Hi Harry," she said brightly.

"Hi," said Harry. "What are you doing here?"

"Keeping the school safe from nasty, evil, smelly death eaters," she answered. "You?"

"Learning," said Harry. "Apparently." Hermione gave him a sharp look.

"Oh well," said Tonks, "have a nice day." She walked towards the forest.

The next Monday, Harry was innocently walking through the corridors (wagging) when he heard raised voices. He didn't mean to over hear, it was just that he happened to not be in potions as he walked past the staff room. Hoping to find something out about Remus, he listened in.

"Minerva," said Dumbledore, sharply "I really don't think it's necessary."

"Well, Albus," protested McGonagal, irritated, "I think we should encourage the students to protect themselves."

"But how would it work?"

"We could have dispensers around the school- like vending machines, or like the ones in public toilets."

"Honestly, Minerva," sighed Dumbly, "they shouldn't have these things forced on to them like this."

"Albus," reasoned McGonagal, "I don't want anything to happen to the students, they could risk serious disease."

"We have a satisfactory hospital wing to deal with things like that. And what you're suggesting is a very muggle-ish idea."

Harry couldn't stand it anymore. He felt so guilty.

"OK! He yelled, bursting through the door. "I'll use contraception!"

"Urm, Harry," said Dumbly looking down on Harry, adjusting his glasses. "We were talking about sunscreen."

Harry went bright red. Then purple. Then blue. Then back to red. He turned to leave, wishing that the floor would swallow him up.

"But about you using contraception," said Dumbly, putting his hand on Harry's trembling shoulder.

"I, uh, have to go to class..." said Harry beginning a pathetic excuse.

"I don't think Professor Snape will mind you missing a few more minutes of class." Said Dumbly closing the door.

Harry collapsed into a chair and listened to his really old, wrinkly head master talk to him about sex. Harry was scarred for life. It wasn't a visible scar like the one Voldemort gave him, but whenever Harry thought about sex, from that moment on, he couldn't help thinking about his headmaster as well.

Hermione sat on a pouffe, doing her potions homework when Ron pounced in.

"When you pounce like that you remind me of Percy," she said.

"Is it turning you on?" asked Ron, sarcastically.

"Oh yeah," came her equally sarcastic reply. "Did you find Harry?"

"No," said Ron.

"I wonder where he is."

"Probably having hot, wild, unprotected jungle-sex,"

"There's an idea."

"I'm not going out looking for him again if that's what he's doing."

"That's not what I mean."

"Then what do you mean?"

"Hot, wild, unprotected jungle-sex."

"Huh?"

"You know you want to, Ronald Weasley."

"Huh?"

Hermione licked her lips suggestively. Ron took the hint.

"So that's what you mea-"Ron never got to finish that sentence, and I'm pretty sure you can guess why. No, he didn't die from an epileptic seizure, you idiot. He had hot, wild, unprotected jungle-sex with Hermione.

After that, Harry entered, looking like he'd seen a ghost.

Ron and Hermione looked slightly guilty, but Harry was too stupid to figure out why.