THE PURPOSE: The purpose of this fanfiction is to strike out against any and all self-centered authors who think they know how to write. In a few moments, you are about to delve into the work known as YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES. This stupid hunk of prose is designed to demonstrate, with thoughtful, brief examples, what NOT to do when writing a fanfiction. I chose Yu-Gi-Oh as my guinea pig because...well, because I'm the author! And thus the reason a bad author should read this. If ya loves it, review. If ya hates it, review. If ya don'ts care, review anyway.
A/N: Another timely update, to be sure. But panic not! The next update will be tremendously quicker!
I like cheese! SO READ, DAMN YOU!
By The Helldragon
"Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR."-Mark Twain
Chapter Nineteen: Insert Author A Into Pile Of Crap B
The wise author must realize that, if he was stupid enough to incorporate eighteen other stupid things into his stupid fanfiction AND have the stupidity to place himself in it, then his stupid piece of work can only be described with one word-dumb.
"OH HOLY FUCKIN' GOD!" Joey exclaimed, pointing to the heart of Domino City. Rising amid its modern skyscrapers, a large, red, mythical dragon loomed, the terrain about it swathed in a smog of fire. "WHAT DA HELL IS DAT?!"
"I don't know," Tristan replied, "but it looks like it's blowing the city up!"
"Let's get closer and find out for sure!" Yugi said.
Their mission in mind, Yugi, Yami, Joey, Tristan, Mai, Bakura, and Matt (who had taken a long time to snap his friends out of Hart's evil spell) ran mightily from Domino Hospital. True, the end of their long path led straight to imminent danger, but they cared not. After all, they had saved the world so many times before! Was this really going to stop them now?
After an eon of running (well, it wasn't really an eon, but as some people know, Joey uses the bathroom like a camel) the gang approached the scene. Legions of fire rose about them, threatening to ash what the dragon directly in front of them did not finish, but they did not notice. Instead, they saw the small group of Kai, Morty, Yoh, and Amidamaru at a distance. "Hey, Kai!" Joey shouted, waving his arms. "Over here!"
"This isn't really a good time, Joey!" Kai shouted back in sing-song.
"Why?" canme Joey's sing-song response.
"The dragon, you moron!"
"What about da dragon?"
"It's killing things!"
"But not us!"
"It might!"
"Hey, I'm right here, you know," the dragon snapped. "But don't worry. I won't hurt you."
"Then why are you burning the city?" Mai asked.
"What?" The dragon looked at the destruction about Domino City, and grinned sheepishly. "Oops. Sorry. I tend to make big entrances. Here, let me fix that." With a snap of his pearly talons, the entire city was cleaned of flames and chaos, appearing just as normal as it was that morning.
"Wowzers!" Yoh said. "How did you do that?"
"I have my ways," the dragon smiled. His large pupils turned downwards, toward the denim-clad Matt. "Hey, Matt."
"Hey," Matt replied.
"You know this creature?" Bakura asked.
"Oh, yeah!" Matt proudly gestured at the massive wyrm. "Boys and girls, meet my god and our sponsor, The Helldragon!"
"We knew his name already," Amidamaru sighed.
"God and sponsor?" Yami asked. "What do you mean?"
"I'll field that one," The Helldragon interrupted, raising his gigantic claw. "You see, I am a dragon that is able to imitate a wide-variety of godlike powers. You know, travelling through time and space, tapping into sources of unlimited power, incredible strength, speed, endurance, magic, agility, stamina, magic resistance-"
"We are well aware of your Final Fantasy attributes," Matt said.
"-as well as access to an unlimited supply of all-powerful spells and abilities, limitless special attacks, and most importantly, the ability to manipulate the actions, thoughts, and feelings of the inhabitants of a world, as well as control the world myself for my own purposes, such as throwing it into the sun-by the way, I can breathe in space-or sending its people to battle with another race, and all sorts of other amazing powers that I couldn't possibly begin to explain to you all."
"Wow!" Morty said. "Whenever Yugi talks that long, he passes out, but you're still concious!"
"But what does it all mean?" Tristan said.
"In short…" The Helldragon looked at the reader with a twinkling in his eye. "I'm a fanfiction author."
"So you make piles of crap!" Amidamaru joyfully explained.
"Who in the hell told you that?" The Helldragon asked, in a dangerous tone.
Realizing his folly, the spirit pointed at Kai. "He did it!"
For a few moments, The Helldragon stared at Kai, traces of a murderous glint in his gaze. Then, he shrugged, relaxing. "Well, most fanfiction is crap, but I strive to write good stuff. But I need god powers to do so. Fringe benefits, mostly."
"So, wait a minute," Yugi said, pointing at The Helldragon. "You're a god?"
"A fanfiction author."
"But you're like a god."
The Helldragon nodded. "Pretty much, yeah."
The vessel folded his arms, smiling. "You know an Ihachi?"
"Ihachi?" Yoh asked.
"We last saw her when we were doing thegymrat's fic "What Was, What Is, and What Shall Be'," Kai explained. "MEAN woman."
The Helldragon sighed. "Oh, God, YES! What a bitch! I mean, she plays a mean game of canasta, but she always killed a species whenever I lost a hand." He snorted humorously. "She got really pissed when I was kicking her ass in Soul Calibur II. Said she'd wipe out the human population." Now The Helldragon laughed in his deep timbre. "But they can do that by themselves!"
All at the scene laughed greatly, but soon, only The Helldragon was laughing when the others realized the connotations behind his words. "Hey!" Joey said. "I find dat racist!"
"Everybody's a little bit racist," Bakura reassured him.
"So, what are you doing here, exactly?" Matt asked. "I thought I'd see you at the Elks Club."
"I'm still going," The Helldragon replied. "I was kinda sidetracked tracking down that bitch Amanda Sephiroth Snape Yusuke Cloud Heero Vash Kenshin Inyusha Lupin D Third, but thankfully she was easy to care of. But mostly, I was sent here to fix things."
"What's wrong?"
"Soon," The Helldragon explained, "the Battle City 2 finals will begin, and you all will face great challenges as well as each other. Normally, I would have known exactly how, why, where, who, and what will happen, but the evil you face has introduced a new factor that throws off even my own readings."
"A new factor?" Mai gasped. "What is it?"
The Helldragon's brow descended in grim anger. "Lavos."
Kai pouted. "I'd scream like a girl, but I have no clue who that is."
"Remember Frog?" Morty asked the taller boy.
"Yeah."
"He and Lavos are from the video game Chrono Trigger. Lavos is the ultimate evil who made the planet in order to grow stronger from it."
"Oh." Kai paused. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"I'm afraid that Lavos was quite difficult for the heroes of that game," The Helldragon said. "None of you could stand a chance against it, even if the beast was willing to duel you than smash you into a bloody pulp outright."
"What about me?" Matt snapped. "I'm an elemental! And I've blown that shellfish a new asshole every time I fought him in the video game!"
"And I like to think I'm pretty strong," Yoh said. He looked to Morty and Amidamaru. "Right?"
"I'm not involved here," the spirit merely said.
The Helldragon shook his massive horned skull. "I know of your strength. But still, even together, despite your video gaming skills, you do not possess the power to defeat it. I would imagine you need two other powerful swordsmen in order to increase the odds of winning into a desirable amount." A faint smile crossed his lips. "Fortunately, I know the perfect candidates."
"Who?" Tristan asked.
The Helldragon's smile grew wider. "Oh, Frog!"
Triumphant music played in the background as, from the tallest skyscraper, a figure leapt down to meet them. He moved quite fast, and only when he had safely landed did they notice his amphibian nature and gleaming longsword. "Yes, my lord?"
"Frog!" Kai said. "What're you doing here?"
Frog croaked happily. "I am under the service of The Majestic Helldragon, Kai. And now, I hath sworn my aid to him, and aid thee in the ensuing battle with the fiend Lavos."
"What the hell?!" Matt shouted in joy. "Frog!" Giddy, he leaped over and shook Frog's gauntleted hand roughly. "Oh my God, I've always wanted to meet you!"
"Meet a frog?" Mai asked, arching a golden eyebrow. "Are you crazy?"
"My guise dost not incur thy trust…" Frog pouted.
"Oh, no!" Matt said. "Frog's one of the coolest characters in Chrono Trigger, and one of the best! If The Helldragon got him to help us take down Lavos, then we're gonna kick that faggot's ass for sure!"
"In dat case," Joey said, striding over to the short warrior, "I'm Joey. Dese are my friends Yugi, Tristan, Mai, Bakura, and Matt."
Frog croaked again. "I am honored to meet thee."
The Helldragon sighed in relief. "I knew you would get along."
"So," Bakura asked, "what's this Lavos like?"
Frog's green features darkened. "A great and terrible creature of destruction. In the ancient past, it burrowed under the earth to advance the human race, pilfering their collective knowledge and power for itself. When my friends and I finally challenged the beast, it had stored the entire archive of existence into its memory…it took every effort I possessed to vanquish it. If Lavos hath truly returned…" His yellow eyes closed. "Then I fear for us all."
"No way!" Yugi declared. "We're going to beat this thing!"
"If we stand together, Lavos will not succeed!" Yami added, clenching a fist.
"I'm with ya, Yuge!" Joey said.
"Me too!" chimed Tristan and Bakura.
"Same here, hon," was Mai's sultry remark.
"I'll do my best and help!" Kai swore.
"Me and Amidamaru won't ever give up!" Yoh promised.
"We will win!" Amidamaru said, determined.
"I'll support you all the way!" Morty announced.
"The elemental's on the LOOSE!" Matt shouted.
"Pathetic," a new voice drawled.
In shock, all present looked behind them. Standing in the middle of the empty street was a tall man dressed completely in black, his ebony trenchcoat capped by silver shoulder pads. The only thing longer than his flowing white hair was the length katana folded under his armpit, nestled between an easy fold of arms. The Helldragon smiled. "Ah. Just who I was looking for. Boys and girls, meet Sephiroth, the second of your two warriors."
"Sephiroth!" Amidamaru gasped. "You're here, too?!"
The former Shinra general snorted. "Unfortunately. I didn't want to help you at first, but then The Helldragon told me that this Lavos thing might blow up the entire world if I don't help. And since I'm a big fan of staying alive, I'm here."
"That, and I offered him fifty Knights of the Round materias," The Helldragon said.
"But how can you do that?" Tristan asked.
"Fanfiction author, remember?"
"So," Kai said, looking at Frog, "can you two stop fighting long enough to help us?"
"Indeed," answered the stout swordsman. "After our battle, Sephiroth and I traversed toward yonder Starbucks, and discussed our respective pasts."
"I gotta admit, he's got a point about his tragic past thing," Sephiroth acknowledged. "Plus, I needed a sidekick anyway."
"What?"
"And now, we are a fierce combo known as…" Here Sephiroth and Frog entered an elaborate series of poses, finally deciding on standing back-to-back with their arms crossed. "The Dynamic Duo!"
Morty scratched his tiny scalp. "Um, I think that's already taken."
"Besides," Yoh said, "it's not two people anymore. Me and Matt are joining."
"That's right!" Matt said. "So it can't be the Dynamic Duo. It's gotta be…" Here all four members shifted through various poses before landing in their own goofy positions. "The Fantastic Four!"
"That's also taken," Morty said.
"I have to be in the group, too!" Amidamaru protested. "So it can't be the Fantastic Four. It's gotta be…" Here Amidamaru and the other four members contorted until they found a desirable posture. "The Slaughterhouse Five!"
"That's taken, too!" Morty snapped.
"I wanna be in da group!" Joey shouted, leaping over to the five. "So it can't be the Slaughterhouse Five. It's gotta be…" Once more, the group exchanged idiotic poses until settling on a new design. "The Sinister Six!"
"You're stealing those from the comic books!" Morty yelled.
"If Joey joins, I get to join!" Tristan said. "So it can't be the Sinister Six. It's gotta be…" Yet again, the party traded various sets of positions before settling on a hip group shot. "The Magnificent Seven!"
"STOP THAT!" The Helldragon snapped. "No one gives a damn if you're seven or four or even forty two! You're here to defeat Lavos, not make some gay boy band!"
"Isn't that how boy bands work?" Mai asked.
A shrug. "I don't know."
"I thought you were a god!"
"I'm a fanfiction author, dammit! I know nothing of boy bands and their ilk!"
"So," Yugi asked, "where can we find this Lavos?"
The Helldragon scratched his pointed chin. "Hmmmm. Well, you can either find it at the tournament..."
"Or maybe right behind you?" a thick accent asked.
"Exactly!" The Helldragon paled. "Oh, crap."
The world suddenly shifted, mixing into a blue-white shimmering oasis. But this light wass not without its malevolence, for, as all noticed when they turned about, they saw the true force behind its brilliance. Hovering slightly above The Helldragon's level, cast in a multitude of spikes and rocky armor plating and fronted by a massive triple-jawed beak, the new creature carved a hole in their hearts with just its precense, leaving its darkness to fill it once again-not with Cool Whip, but with evilness. And standing atop the monster's shell was a thin man garbed in straight green armywear, bearing a swastika on his armband and a thick black mustache.
"By Ra!" Yami spat. "What is that fiend?"
"That is Lavos!" The Helldragon said.
"Not the shellfish!" the Pharaoh said. "That ugly, weird man!"
The man's eyebrow raised in anger. "How dare you call the new ruler of the world ugly! This will be the face you will learn to worship!" He smiled a distasteful grin, complete with missing teeth.
"Thankfully, I'm agnostic," Matt said.
The man laughed. "Always a comment from the elemental. Your power will not be enough to save you, Matt Willard. I will succeed in the end!"
Matt's eyes widened. "How did you know my name? I don't have a nametag on, do I?"
The man smiled again. "You fool!" He reached a hairy hand into his shirt, producing a heavy golden amulet from within. "My Millennium Amulet allows me EVERY power of the other thirteen items, plus a few extras for good measure!"
"A Millenium Item!" Bakura exclaimed. "But who are you!"
"Me?" The man cackled his most loudest, insidious laugh ever heard. "You should remember me from history class! I am the man who attempted to conquer Europe!"
"Napolean?" Kai asked.
"Do I look French to you?"
"Okay…Julius Caesar?"
"Did he even try to conquer Europe?" Morty asked.
Kai shrugged. "I don't know. I only know as much history as the author of this fic."
"Hey!" The Helldragon snapped, pointing a claw at Kai. "I AM the author of this fic!"
"So do YOU know if Caesar tried to control Europe?"
"No! What makes you think I know? I may be a four-thousand year old dragon, but I didn't pay attention in history class!"
"OH, NEVER MIND!" the man screamed, startling all. "I'll just tell you!" With a great flair, he curled the end of his short mustache. "I am the man known as…Adolf Hitler!"
"NO WAY!" Tristan shouted. "You're the Jew-killing freak?! But you're dead!"
"So it would seem!" Hitler replied. "But thanks to the Metaphysical Application of Quantum Universal Positioning Theory, I have been returned to the land of the living!"
"The WHA?" Joey asked. "Clarifize dat for me, Helldragon!"
"It means that if there's some illogical method for bringing him back to life, it just might work!" the massive reptile explained.
Hitler laughed. "Exactly! Because of this law, I have now returned to life! But when I came back, I found the Millenium Amulet around my neck, and with it, I was able to pull the ultimate creature of destruction from its home in the video gaming world!" He gestured madly at the shellfish of doom below his boots. "And now, with Lavos under my control, I will take over this puny world! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
But the Millennium Amulet suddenly glowed, and it was in retaliation to Yugi's Millennium Puzzle. The boy fixed Hitler with a clear, determined gaze. "I don't think so, Hitler! As long as me and my friends oppose you, you will never succeed!"
"Ah…Yugi Moto, is it?" Hitler smirked, twiddling his mustache. "Hmmm. You may oppose me, but I will win in the end! Still…the Battle City 2 finals approach…and your dueling skills intrigue me…" He spread his arms apart. "Very well! The fate of the world depends on the results of the Battle City 2 finals! If you win, then we'll pretend none of this actually happened. But if I win, then the world will be cast into an oppressive future, with Manhattan Island as my master prison and the rise of SkyNET!"
"So, in the future, you won, made SkyNET, and sent that android back in time to kill me!" Kai shouted. "You meanie!"
"That's not all!" Hitler said. "I also sent Hart to this era in order for Matt to use him for evil! I also summoned Yami Celebi to challenge Joey, Szarbarus to control Tea, and a whole lot of other bad stuff that's been happening to you all! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"What about Fantastic Four-Eyes?" Matt asked.
"What about him?"
All nodded.
"All right then!" The Helldragon declared. "This'll all be settled at the finals! And while I can't directly interfere (damn union rules) I'll help you all gain a fighting chance." He snapped his talons. "You duelists will discover powerful new cards to add to your decks soon. Also, my magic will protect you from any efforts made by Lavos outside of the dueling ring to destroy you."
"What about me?" Yoh asked.
The Helldragon snorted. "You can dismantle a city block. You don't need anything."
"Cast any spell or give any card or fix any game you like!" Hitler said. "I will win, and you will lose! And Germany will rule the world! MUWAHAHAHAHA!" Immediately, the world was returned to normal, all traces of Lavos' precense gone, including the head honcho behind it.
For a long time, nothing was said. Then, Mai released a loud sigh of relief. "Well! That was fun!"
"It looks like we have our work cut out for us," Yami said. He looked to his pupil. "You think we can do it?"
"Yeah," Yugi said.
A long pause followed.
Then, The Helldragon shouted, "DANCE TIME!"
And it was so.
I wholesomely apologize to the gymrat for my absolutely pathetic reference to his wonderful story.
Now, what's wrong with this chapter?
A. The Helldragon just popped up in his own fic.
B. The Helldragon had access to a limitless variety of powerful abilities.
C. Julius Caesar actually tried to expand the Roman Empire by attempting to conquer such areas as Great Britian and the Mediterranean.
If you guessed C...I think you're right. I'm not really sure.
Tune in next time to YU-GI-OH! FANFICTION FOR DUMMIES, when we get the gist of it all through Chapter Twenty: The Summary Of All Evil.