Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate SG-1 or its characters. I used two songs in this chapter:
- "My Immortal" by Evanescence
- "Yours Forever" by John Mellencamp
Chapter Six:
My Immortal
Finnley was sitting on the cold floor in her quarters. The light was turned off so it was completely dark in her room. Leaning against the wall, she stared into nothing, holding Charlie's dogtags in her hands. She grieved, needed time to get through this.
No, this would take more than time...
Charlie. I miss you Charlie. And I miss Sam and Jack. And Daniel and Teal'c. Mom, Dad and Marc... You're all gone. Why did you leave me ? All of you... This is not fair... I have to live with it... The loss... Why can't I just forget and start a whole new life ? Memories are a curse...
I'm so tried of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone...
Suddenly, someone knocked at the door. She did not react, just kept on staring. Too tired she was... She had not spoken a word since the events in her reality.
"Finnley ? It's me, Jack..." he paused. No answer.
"Can I come in ?" he asked. Still no reaction.
"I enter, OK ? Just... say something if you mind..." but she did not say anything, so Jack entered the room and was blinded by the darkness Finnley was living in.
"Whoa ! It's dark in here... Should turn on the light." he suggested.
"May I turn it on ?" he asked carefully.
But Finnley remained silent. Jack turned on the little lamp standing on a table next to her bed. As the light filled the room, Jack could see, that she was lost in her grieving. He looked around and caught sight of a couple of creased, old photos hanging on the wall over Finnley's bed. One showed her with SG-1 and Charlie Kawalsky, another one with her parents, her brother and Sam. She must have carried them with her wherever she had gone because they looked like being through hell and back.
Finnley did not care about Jack being there. She did not even whimper or something. Nothing.
"What are you doing here all the time ? I mean... you sit here 24 hours a day without saying anything. I... I know that this is very hard for you. But believe me, this... won't help in any way." Jack eventually came to the point.
"Hiding." she suddenly whispered.
"What ?"
"That's what I do the whole day. I'm hiding in the darkness."
"What are you hiding from ?"
"Reality. Life."
"Why ?"
"I'm afraid this is gonna happen all over again." she returned.
"Oh, I get it..."
"And... Charlie... he's gone..."
"I know."
"What now without him ? He... was he was my closest friend on Earth. I can't believe I'm never gonna see him again. It hurts. Who's gonna save me now if not Charlie ?" she said with a trembling voice.
"I know... I feel you."
"You do ? How could you ?"
"Hey, don't go too far. I know you've been through a lot of pain, but Charlie was my friend, too."
"He died... in my arms."
"And I saw him dying twice... Three times if you count that gamekeeper thing. And don't think I'm gettin' used to it... I hate it. We had to kill him... And that was the worst thing I ever had to do." he said roughly.
Finnley opened her hands and looked at the tags she was holding. A tear fell down on them, and there were more to follow. She had another break down. She screamed, her voice breaking.
"God... They're dead !"
Jack did not know what to do. What do you tell someone who has to live with the loss of everyone she had ever known ? He kneeled down in front of her and took her in his arms. That was all he could do. Nothing more. Suddenly she whispered something into his ear.
"Does it stop ? The pain I mean..."
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase...
"How do you know ?"
"You know what happened to my son, don't ya ?"
"Yes."
"Well..., life's a bitch, you know. And sometimes terrible, horrible things happen. But they're easier to take if you accept them. I live with my son's death. And I'm OK."
Finnley was deeply touched by his words and she started to accept what had happened. It would be a long, tough process of healing until this life is worth living again. But somehow she knew everything would be OK.
"Thank you." she said as she looked at him again.
Jack nodded and got up. He went towards the door and turned around one more time.
"Hey... Um... if you wanna come out of your depressing darkness here... You're always welcome at my place or Sam's or Daniel's or even Tealc's." he suggested."I'll take that under consideration." she answered with a slight smile as he left the room and closed the door behind him.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me...
---------
Later that evening...
Teal'c was sitting in the middle of his room, surrounded by white candles, meditating, as the door opened silently.
Teal'c raised an eyebrow and saw Finnley standing in front of him.
"Hey... Teal'c. I'm sorry to interrupt you... I take it you're doing that kel-no-reem thing...?" she asked hesitatingly.
"That is right." he answered.
"Um... I can come back later..."
"You may stay, Finnley Carter. What are you here for ?" he demanded.
"I... it's because... How does a warrior like you handle those things... I mean... what happened to me...?"
"You are searching for peace." Finnley nodded.
"I see."
"Can you help me ?" Teal'c lowered his head and nodded.
"Alright... so... what do I have to do ?" she asked.
"Sit down opposite."
She followed his orders and sat down. Teal'c looked at her as if he could read her mind. That somehow scared her a little but not too much.
"You are angry. And you cannot understand why your people had to be killed." Teal'c remarked.
"Of course I can't. I mean... I don't see a reason why this had to be..."
"In time, you will get over it."
"But as long as I've got these memories of them... How can it not hurt ? Every thought of them is filled with so much sorrow."
"You are suppressing your memories."
"They're killing me, Teal'c. It's easier with Sam or Jack or the others, cos you're all here... And that helps a lot. I can't really miss 'em because you are here. But Charlie... Who can take his place ? Who'll know me like no one else does ? He was the moon that lightened the night, the sun that warmed my cold winter day, the air I breathed. There's no second without Charlie in my sick mind. He's talking to me in my dreams and when I'm awake. He just doesn't let me rest in peace..."
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by
The life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me...
"I know he's dead, but I can't..."
"You do not want it to be true."
"No."
"As long as you wish he would come back, he will never leave you alone. And he cannot find his peace either... Nobody could ever take his place. He was unique, like all of us. But here are so many people who want help you, who like you and who could become your friends. All of us will help you through this, Finnley Carter."
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along...
"I may not know what Major Kawalsky meant to you, but I know what it feels like to lose someone."
"Then you know how hard it is..."
"Look, Finnley Carter, to lose your loved ones is like a deep wound. It hurts terribly at the beginning. And you think it would never stop bleeding. But soon you will realize that time eases the pain and your wound can heal. Of course, something of it is still left. A scar that reminds you of that wound whenever you look into the mirror. But scars usually do not hurt... And someday, it will be the same with Major Kawalsky's death. You will accept it, time will help you to get through it. And then, one day, you will wake up and only have those wonderful memories of them. You will remember Charles Kawalsky as he was before this tragedy. Then you will have found a place, where no one can tear you apart." Teal'c said smiling.
Finnley had hardly seen Teal'c smiling, nor had she ever heard him talking like this. His words sounded wise and true. This was what she had needed.
---------
One year later...
Here we are in the grays of winter,
Here we are just me and you,
Hold my hand,
Lets face tomorrow,
Tomorrow still holds out its hands to you
Finnley Jade Carter walked through the cold winter snow, over to the cherry-tree in their garden. The wind was gently blowing through her black hair, which was now much shorter than before, and a single tear that was running down her cheek sparkled in the light of the setting sun. She lay down four white roses, one for every member of SG-1 and one red rose for Charlie.
This precious time we've only borrowed,
The autumn winds have blown on through,
A quiet thought will tell our story,
Tomorrow still holds out its hands to you
Yes tomorrow still holds out its hands to you
One year had passed since the events in her reality, that had claimed the lives of her sister Samantha and her husband, Jack O'Neill, Daniel Jackson and Teal'c - her friends in need and team colleagues, and of course Charlie, her soul mate. She missed them all, especially Charlie because there was no alternate version of him existing in this universe. But it was exactly the way Teal'c had predicted it: Her wounds had healed over and her scars did not hurt. Only sometimes, when she missed Charlie extremely. But then she talked to Jack, Sam, Teal'c or Daniel. Like this, she kept her memory alive.
Jack and Sam O'Neill were standing on their terrace, watching Finnley who now lived with them. To Sam, she was like a real sister and she would never allow anyone to take her away from her. Finnley now belonged to her life - as well as Jack.
Back then, there had been several discussions concerning their relationship but ultimately, Finnley should be right. General Hammond had talked to the president who actually had to laugh about this whole thing.
"Considering the fact that Colonel Jack O'Neill and Major Samantha Carter saved the world already a several times and risked their lives for the United States of America, I don't see any reason why I should court-martial them because of something so wonderful like falling in love."
In the meantime, Finnley had become a full member of SG-1, finished college with distinction and went now to the Air Force academy. She had also made Jacob Carter's acquaintance. Exactly like Sam and Jack, he had liked her from the first moment on.
Here some wings,
There yours forever,
And heres some dreams,
That will come true,
Take these tears, to wash away your sorrows
Tomorrow still holds out its hands to you
Yes tomorrow still holds out its hands to you
Yes tomorrow still holds out its hands to you...
To Be Continued...