THREE
Chapter Four
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DISCLAIMER: If I owned Rurouni Kenshin and the characters created by Nobuhiro Watsuki, you can bet that Kenshin wouldn't have died in the OVA. And instead of all those filler episodes, the last third of the TV series would have been an animation of the Jinchu arc. And finally, Saitou would have been in at least one 'hot springs' episode!
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"Kaoru-dono." Kenshin was completely still, as if he were afraid that by moving suddenly, he might startle her. "Saitou is right."
"Saitou is..." She stopped herself, irritated that she had numbly repeated his words back to him. I should ask him -- I should say -- what? Nothing seemed appropriate, but he was waiting for her response. "What is Saitou right about, Kenshin?"
He seemed to be holding his breath, and for a moment she wondered if he would get up and leave, walk out of the room as he'd tried to walk out of her life twice before. But instead, he lowered his head, his unbound hair slipping forward to curtain his eyes. "Aren't you mad at me, Kaoru-dono?"
Mad? She was shocked -- although she had occasionally resented Kenshin's friendship with Megumi, it had never occurred to Kaoru that he might be attracted to another man. And she was frightened that this might be the end of their relationship. Kaoru thought about the kiss that she'd interrupted: Kenshin up on his toes, his hands pressed against the bare skin of Saitou's chest; Saitou with one hand tangled in the softness of Kenshin's hair. She was jealous, and she wasn't sure whether she was jealous of Saitou or of Kenshin. Maybe both.
What's wrong with me?
"Kenshin..." Kaoru waited for him to raise his head, but he continued to stare at the floor. Look at me, dammit. "Kenshin, why?"
Sighing, Kenshin bowed formally to her, like you'd bow to a stranger that you'd offended and whose reaction you were unsure of. "What I have done is inexcusable. I have no defense. I am sorry, Kaoru-dono." Then he stood, turned away from her. Over the gentle scraping of the wooden door against its frame, she heard him whisper, "Please forgive me."
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"You weren't such a coward then, Battousai," Saitou taunted. In spite of the fact that he was seated and Kenshin was standing, Kaoru had the impression that Saitou was looking down his nose at the younger man. "I remember a time when you would've stood your ground no matter what the threat."
Kenshin turned stiffly to face Saitou. "I have dishonored Kaoru-dono. I cannot continue to stay here and --"
"You're running," Saitou interrupted. "You're afraid of what the Tanuki thinks of you now, and you're leaving so you don't have to hear it."
Kenshin stood in the open doorway, motionless except for a slight trembling in the muscles of his jaw. "She doesn't know what it was like," he objected. A shiver ran through the muscles of his naked chest, as if the trembling in his jaw had spilled down into the rest of his body.
Saitou's right, Kaoru realized. After all we've been through, Kenshin still doesn't trust me enough to talk to me about his past.
"Maybe you should tell her," Saitou suggested.
"Yes," Kaoru ground out through clenched teeth. "Tell me."
Kenshin shook his head. "She wasn't there, she couldn't un--"
Kenshin isn't listening to me. He still won't even look at me. As far as he's concerned, this is about the good old boys of the Bakumatsu making decisions for everyone else.
And suddenly, she was mad.
Furious.
Enraged.
Really fucking pissed.
"DAMMIT, KENSHIN!" The anger thrummed through her, so strong that she was vibrating, every muscle in her body tightly clenched. "Just. Tell. Me."
"I... I don't know where to start," Kenshin protested.
Why don't you start with the part where you're fucking Saitou? Kaoru bit down on her lower lip in an attempt to bring her temper back under control.
"Kenshin, at least tell me -- why Saitou? You and Saitou were..." She'd been about to say 'enemies,' but when Shishio was plotting to topple the Meiji government, the two men had worked together to stop him. She recalled the image of their bodies pressed together, the sound of Kenshin moaning while she searched for him in the next room. They definitely aren't acting like enemies now. "...rivals?"
Reluctantly, Kenshin stepped back into the room, knelt beside her once again. "Kaoru-dono, during the Bakumatsu it was safer to trust your enemies than your friends. An enemy was just someone who wanted to kill you. A friend was much more likely to betray you."
Kenshin glanced at Saitou, who simply nodded. No baiting, no rude comments, not even a smirk. What is Saitou up to? Kaoru wondered.
Kenshin sighed and returned his attention to Kaoru. "Most of the Ishin Shishi were afraid of me. I would spend days shut up in a room by myself, waiting for one of Katsu's men to deliver that slip of paper with the name of the person I was supposed to kill. All I thought about then was the revolution. About how many more men I would have to kill before it would all be over." His voice dropped to a ragged whisper. "It's never over, Kaoru-dono. It'll never be over."
The dreams, she realized. He's killing them all again in his dreams. Poor Kenshin. Kaoru started to reach for his hand, instinctively moving to comfort him as she did whenever he dreamt of the past. Her fingertips brushed the back of his hand -- his skin felt cold and damp, not like Kenshin at all. He gets out of bed every morning, but he's still stuck in the nightmare.
Kenshin didn't acknowledge her touch, didn't react at all. "I killed them as quickly, as cleanly as I could," he continued, "for my sake as well as theirs, but -- no one wants to die, Kaoru. Even the most unskilled would struggle."
"I used to look forward to facing the Shinsengumi. At least I knew that it would be a fight with integrity."
"And -- after I began to doubt -- I searched for an opponent who could defeat me. Saitou is the only one who ever came close. The only one who could touch me." His gaze shifted to the dark-haired man, and Kenshin's eyes reflected a longing for something Kaoru knew she didn't want to give him. Forgiveness? Peace? No, something more final. Oblivion.
"Kenshin, when..." Kaoru's throat closed, and she couldn't ask. I don't want to know how it happened, or how long it's been going on, or if there were others, she realized. The only thing that matters is... "Do you love him?"
Kenshin looked startled. "What?"
"Do you love Saitou?"
Kenshin hesitated. "I... I love both of you. It feels different when I'm with him, but..."
Saitou snorted with amusement, but Kaoru glared at him, and Saitou choked back the laugh.
Kenshin blushed before continuing, "...but it's still love."
"How is it different?" she asked.
"You love me in spite of the fact that I was the Battousai, Kaoru-dono." Kenshin smiled, so sadly that Kaoru almost forgot she was angry with him. Almost. "Saitou loves me because I was the Battousai." The smile widened, but somehow it just made him look more miserable. "That's why I have to go."
Why does it always end with '...and that's why I have to go?' Kaoru inhaled deeply, ignoring the flutter of nausea that threatened to expand outward from the pit of her stomach. What do I have to do to get you to say '...and that's why I want to stay?'
"But you just said that you love me," she argued. I'm not quite ready to think about the fact that you just said you loved Saitou, too.
"Kaoru-dono, you're so pure."
"Pure," she echoed. Her fists were clenched in her lap, so tightly that her knuckles ached. If you knew what I was thinking right now, you wouldn't call me pure.
"In spite of everything that's happened to you, you're still an innocent..."
Another time, the pained expression on his face would have called tears to her own eyes. Now, she found it... infuriatingly self-absorbed.
"...and I don't want you to be the one who took that away from you."
"Ken-shin! You're saying that you'll hate me if I accept you as you are and you'll leave me if I don't?" Her nausea spiked -- when did it get so hot in here? -- and the air was thick like syrup. The fine silk of her yukata scraped against her skin, and every where it touched her, she burned. "That's not fair."
"The Tanuki's right, Battousai," Saitou agreed. "It isn't fair. To either of you."
Oh shit. Kaoru gulped at the air, straining to take in a full breath. I know I'm in trouble when Saitou is the reasonable one.
"But... but... aren't you mad at me, Kaoru-dono?" Kenshin asked again, in a pleading tone. It's guilt, she realized. He wants me to be angry with him.
Not a problem.
"Yes, I'm mad at you!" Kaoru screamed. "How can you even think leaving without asking me how I feel? I'm can't believe that after all we've been through together, you still don't trust me enough to talk about your past. And I hate that there are things you'd tell Saitou that you'd never tell me." The rawness in her throat felt good. It should hurt to say such awful things. "Just tell me what I have to do to be dirty enough to love you."
"Kaoru-dono! That's not--"
"I want all of you, Kenshin, good and bad. I don't just keep you around to do laundry, you moron."
"But--"
"Maybe I don't care how many people you've killed. Maybe I don't care that you want to have sex with Saitou."
"Kaoru-dono, it's not--"
"Maybe I'd rather share you with Saitou than lose you."
"Kaoru!"
Not Kaoru-dono. Just Kaoru. She smiled bitterly. Finally.
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Ok, we're almost to the fun part... help me become a better writer and let me know what you thought of this chapter:
1) Did the interactions between all three characters work? This scene was mostly Kenshin and Kaoru -- was it jarring when Saitou spoke up? Or did it fit the flow of the scene?
2) What was your favorite moment in this scene?
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