(A/N: Thanks go out to Amanda Lack of Mugglenet and Celebony of our own FanFiction for jointly inspiring this chapter. Kudos, ladies! You rock!
Responses at bottom of page...)
Chapter 12: Operation Annoyance
Dudley Dursley fell flat on his face in the hallway as his horrific cousin disappeared into thin air.
Marcie squealed and ran to him. "Oh, my darling, are you all right?"
"'M fine, dear, I'm... I'm fine." Dudley felt his nose. He was almost sure it wasn't broken, but he couldn't be positive. "Yes, I'll be all right. The question is, will we be?"
"Do you think he meant it?" Marcie looked terrified.
"Yes. I'm sure he did. They're going to try to break our spirits, Marcie. They're going to try to wear us down. But we will nevvv..." Trying to get up, Dudley overbalanced and fell heavily onto his rear again. The hall shook.
"...vvver give up," he finished, undaunted. "We promised. We swore. They can't force us to break our word!"
"No, of course they can't," said Marcie, embracing him, or as much of him as she could get her arms around. "Use the wall, dear, use the wall. You'll do much better that way."
Dudley had just inched himself to a standing position when both Dursleys heard a small sound.
Pop.
"What was that?" Marcie gasped, her eyes wide.
Pop.
"I don't know." Dudley was scanning the hallway for any sign of unusual activity.
Pop. Pop.
"I think it's in the living room," Marcie hissed.
Pop-pop-pop.
"You're right," Dudley breathed. The sounds were indeed coming from the other side of the wall he was leaning on.
Pop-pop.
"Let's surprise it," Marcie whispered. Dudley nodded.
Pop.
"YAAHH!" Dudley jumped around the corner into the living room.
There was no one there. Nothing out of the ordinary at all.
"But it was in here," Marcie said in fear-filled tones, pressing close to Dudley, scanning the walls and ceiling. "There was something in here."
-----
"Second wave, Disillusion and go!"
-----
Pop-pop-pop-pop-pop.
Pop.
Dudley yelped and Marcie screamed. There were things in the room with them, things that one couldn't look directly at.
Pop. Pop-pop-pop.
Pop. Pop.
The things were gone. Dudley didn't dare move. Marcie was sandwiched against his back, trembling in terror.
-----
"Third wave, Disillusion and go!"
-----
Pop-pop-pop-pop.
Pop.
BANG.
"Oops. Sorry about that."
Marcie whimpered. Having things popping in and out of her living room wasn't bad enough, now they had to talk?
Pop. Pop-pop-pop.
BANG.
Pop.
-----
"You did that on purpose, Fred, didn't you."
"What fun would it be otherwise, little sister?"
"All waves, Apparate at will!" Ron shouted.
-----
The living room went crazy. It was like being trapped inside a pot of popcorn.
Pop-pop-poppity-pop. BANG. BANG.
Poppity-poppity-poppity-BANG.
BANG. Pop.
Pop-pop-pop-pop-pop.
Pop.
A pause. Marcie took a deep breath and was just about to move when...
Pop-BANG-pop.
BANG. BANG. BANG.
Pop-poppity-poppity-pop.
BANG-BANG-pop-BANG.
BANG-pop-pop-BANG-pop.
Pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop.
Marcie moaned and fainted. Dudley staggered back and almost fell on top of her but regained his footing at the last moment.
One of the figures in the room gave a sharp whistle. With a tremendous BANG! they all vanished. All but one.
That one suddenly came into focus as a sharp-faced woman with salt-and-pepper hair pulled back in a tight bun. She stared at him, and Dudley squirmed, feeling like a schoolboy caught with his hand in the candy dish.
"We can keep this up all night, if you're so inclined, Mr. Dursley," she said sternly. "Or we can sit down and talk like civilized people."
Pop. Pop-pop.
She vanished, but two other figures took her place. One was his horrendous cousin – Dudley stepped hurriedly in front of Marcie – and the other was a fiercely beautiful red-haired woman.
"Dudley, I'd like you to meet my wife, Ginny," said Harry Potter.
Dudley stifled a groan. This day was definitely not getting any better.
At that moment, screaming erupted upstairs.
-----
"Oh, Lord," gasped Hermione, out of breath with laughing. "Did... you see... their faces?"
The mood in the kitchen of the Marauders' Den was highly hilarious. Even Minerva McGonagall and Percy Weasley were laughing at the sight the Dursleys had made, pressed back to back and scared stiff of the mostly invisible people appearing and disappearing in their living room.
"I had forgotten," Remus remarked as he accepted a tissue from Molly Weasley to wipe his streaming face, "how much fun pranking people really is."
"Especially... people who... deserve it," wheezed Charlie, doubled over he was laughing so hard.
Angelina and Alicia waved assent, helpless in fits of the giggles.
Arabella Figg poked her head in from the living room. "What in the world is so funny?" she asked in astonishment.
Her appearance set everyone off again.
-----
"DAD! MUM! SOMEBODY HELP ME! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!"
"That's really low, Potter," Dudley growled, "attacking a child!"
"We haven't done anything to your son," snapped the woman.
Dudley wasn't listening. He was already halfway into the hall. "I'm coming, Chester!" he shouted up the stairs. "Daddy's coming!"
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! MY FEET! SOMEBODY HELP!" The tones of Chester's voice changed, from fear to panic. "AHHH! WHO ARE YOU?! HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?! DAD!!"
"GET AWAY FROM MY SON, POTTER!" Dudley yelled, wrenching open his son's bedroom door.
He stared. The Potters were standing next to Chester, but they weren't doing anything to him. On the contrary, they appeared to be trying not to laugh. Chester was gasping and motioning helplessly at something on the floor –
Dudley's eyes widened. The boy's feet had grown enormous – they were nearly as long as his legs.
"Which one of you did this?" Dudley shouted. "Come on, admit it. Who did this?"
"I'll be right back," said the woman, in a tone that suggested she was swallowing a snicker, and disappeared.
Potter got a hold of himself and met Dudley's eyes. "Neither of us did this, Dudley. I have a feeling the culprit is... how shall I say this... closer to home?"
"How many times do I have to tell you, my daughter is NOT A WITCH!"
BANG.
Three people appeared in the corner of the room. One was the woman Potter claimed was his wife. The other two...
Dudley found himself against the wall with no memory of how he had gotten there. He remembered a pair of identical red-haired men all too well.
"I believe one of your products was responsible for this," said the woman, waving at Chester, who was now wailing wordlessly and thrashing around, trying to get away from the scary people with the handicap of feet the size of cricket bats.
The men took one look at each other and burst out in guffaws.
"It was our... product..." one of them got out.
"But we didn't... give it to him," the other managed.
"Must... must have been Helen," said the first one.
They high-fived one another, then collapsed against the nearest wall, laughing helplessly. The woman, who could have been their sister, bit her lip hard and turned away. Potter cleared his throat. "I think you probably remember Fred and George Weasley, Dudley," he said. "Inventors of the Ton-Tongue Toffee and... what exactly causes this, gentlemen?"
"Bigfoot Biscuits," said one of the twins, getting himself under control.
"We sent Helen some last Christmas," said the other.
"Wrapped, of course."
"She must have left them..."
"... where this little bloke would find them..."
"And they work beautifully."
They looked at each other again, grinning, but the woman tapped one of them on the shoulder, and when he turned to look at her, glared at them and folded her arms. The two were immediately all business.
"We can sort this out for you right away, Mr. Dursley," said one of them.
"For a fee, of course," said the other.
"F-f-fee?" Dudley tried to settle his voice, but it was cracking with terror. "W-what fee?"
"We want to know where Helen is," said the woman. "And then we want you to make us her legal guardians."
Dudley's eyes had been big before, but now they were practically bulging out.
"After you give us those two things," Potter said, "we'll repair this damage and leave you in peace."
Dudley was lost for words. Fortunately for him, something intervened at that precise moment that made words unnecessary.
BANG!
He yelped and turned toward the hallway, where a tall black man was now standing.
"All right, Harry?" said the new arrival.
"All right, Dean," Potter replied. "Whaddaya got?"
"Unusual readings about a half-hour northeast of here," said the man, coming into the room and handing Potter a piece of cream-colored stuff that looked like paper but probably wasn't. "Looks like preset magic being triggered, rather than accidental or underage. Possibly a Zonko's or a Weasley product..."
"Well, we have the experts right here, as it happens," said the woman, and the two men came forward to have a look.
"Ah," said one in a tone of satisfaction. "Yes, this is one of ours. Limping Lozenges, isn't it?"
"Most definitely," said the other. "And Helen had some of those, too, didn't she?"
"So we have our location," said Potter, grinning. "Let's get everyone moving. We'll have her out of wherever-it-is in two shakes of a unicorn's tail. Thanks, Dean."
"What else are friends for, Harry?" BANG, and the black man was gone.
The woman and the identical men disappeared too, with small pops. Dudley was alone in the room with his son, by this time almost hysterical, and Potter.
Wordlessly, Potter pulled out his little stick and pointed it at Chester's feet. Dudley lunged, but for the second time that day, he wasn't fast enough. Chester fell backwards off the bed as his feet returned to normal, and Potter vanished before Dudley ever reached him.
This time, Dudley realized hazily from his face-down position on the floor, his nose was definitely broken. But that didn't matter. Only one thing mattered.
He had to get to Goldenrod Academy before the wizards did.
(A/N: Dudley just never learns, does he?
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