"Script"
Written By Mew2 Strikes Back
Starring – Peter Jarvis
Tom Williams
Kim Cobb
Holley Goodban
Megan Tyler
Jonathan Kane
Catherine "Cat" Addison
And Alex Baguley as "The Mardis Gras"
Act List
Act One: And so it Begins
Act Two: Megan and Peter
Act Three: Chewing gum
Act Four: Becky's secret
Act Five: We have a body on our hands
Act Six: Kim 'n' Tom are like Salt 'n' Vinegar
Act Seven: Becky and Cat vs. Agent Marshall
Act Eight: We want YOU to vote...
Act Nine: Indeed.
Act Ten: The Marynator
Act Eleven: Kim's End
Act Twelve: The Oracle
Act Thirteen: Enter Agent Williams
Act Fourteen: Flight or Fight?
Act Fifteen: Phone Booth
Act Sixteen: Agent Williams' victory
Act Seventeen: Speedbump!
Act Eighteen: Listening like Dead People
Act Nineteen: Vous-a-vous aider?
Act Twenty: The Mardis Gras
Act Twenty-one: Tom meets the Oracle
Act Twenty-two: Paradox
Act Twenty-three: Genesis of Agent Williams
Act Twenty-four: Anything goes
Act Twenty-five: The Highway
Act Twenty-six: She's still alive!
Act Twenty-seven: The Trisharchitect
Act Twenty-eight: Finale
Act Twenty-nine: The gloves are off
Act Thirty: Someday
Cast List
MAIN CHARECTERS
Peter Jarvis
Agent Williams
Kim Cobb
Kim Twin A
Kim Twin B
Holley Goodban
Megan Tyler
The Oracle
Catherine "Cat" Addison
The Mardis Gras
Amy Chirgwin
MINOR CHARECTERS
Sean Hughes
Rebecca Bailey
Karen Poolton
Orlando Bloom
Trisharchitect
Agent Bethell
Agent Finn
Agent Marshall
Uncle Sam
Mr. Moore
The Marynator
JennyWoman
Shick
Frenchy
Ben Hallworth
David McAdam
The Hijacker
Waitress
Person on 'Phone
Old Granny
Man at window
Man on roof
Couple
Radio
Script
Act One – And so it begins
Holley is sat at a table. Amy walks in and sits down opposite.
Holley: Hi hunny! You're late. Where've you been?
Amy: I had to drop Suzie off at school.
Holley: OK, how's Suzie?
Amy: Oh, she's fine, her usual annoying self. Someone bought her a doll last week and the first thing she did was rip the head off.
Holley: (Laughs) Take it she doesn't like dolls then? Have you ordered yet?
Amy: No, I haven't decided yet.
Holley: Well, I've ordered two coffees to go.
Amy: Thanks. How do you always know what I want, even if I don't know?
Holley: I know you. I've been friends with you for ten years, and you always end up ordering coffee.
Amy: That's true. (Laughs)
Holley: Stop with the laughing!
Amy: Sorry.
Holley: Bitch.
Amy: Hey-
Holley: Shut up. Anyway, have you heard about Tracey next door? She's pregnant! I heard her and Dave arguing last night. Apparently, it's not his. He thinks it's the builder who was working on the kitchen. I always thought it didn't take two months to fit a sink. They were getting a bit friendly.
Amy: Well where was Dave?
Holley: He was working away. For two months. With Nadia.
Amy: Poor man. But I suppose it could be that waiter she's been flirting with.
(Waitress walks over)
Waitress: Coffee's ready, slags.
(Walks away)
Amy: Wouldn't it have been easier to just bring the coffees over?
Holley: You have no idea how the world works, do you?
Amy: But-
Holley: Shh. Let's go get 'em.
(walks up to counter)
Holley: I'll have a-
Amy: Is that you Kim?
(Hamburger box is moved to reveal Kim wearing a hat shaped like a chicken)
Kim: BAH! I HATE YOU!
Amy: OK then...
Holley: What are you doing here?
Kim: JUST GO AWAY HOLLEY! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!
Holley: What?? Why?
Kim: IT JUST IS! ARGHH! MOO! MIOW! BAA!
Amy: Are you OK?
Kim: YOU'RE PISSIN' ME OFF! GET OUT!
Holley: Slag.
Kim: JUST GET LOST HOLLEY!
Holley: Tom, is that you?
(Tom comes up from under counter)
Act Two – Megan and Peter
Megan and Peter are sat at the table, discussing the finer points of The Matrix.
Peter: Persephone is NOT a waste of time! She's an integral part of the plot!
Megan: You only like her because she doesn't wear very much.
Peter: ...
Megan: My point exactly! As I was saying, -
(Sean Hughes taps Peter on the back)
Sean: Can I join the Muffin Club? (giggles like a girl)
SLOW MOTION
(Peter stands on table)
(Megan flips over next to him)
Peter: You're going to regret this... Mr Hughes...
(Both pull off blazers, pants and shirts to reveal a cool black outfit for Peter and a white one for Megan)
Megan: Why the fuck am I Persephone?
Peter: Stop moaning. If you were writing this, then YOU can decide what's going on.
Megan: Whatever.
(Pulls out pistols)
Peter: Fuck. I've lost my pistols. Must've left 'em by the phone at home.
Megan: (Pulls out two bananas) Here, use these.
Peter: What the fuck?
Megan: Shut up. It's the Matrix. Anything goes.
Sean: I'm waiting...
Peter Megan: Fuck off, gayboy.
(Sean starts to cry)
Peter: Serves him right.
Megan: Aww, no.. It's tight...
END SLOW MOTION
Megan: (steps off table) Aw, no, please don't cry...
Sean: It's not fair! Why do you two get pistols and cool lines?
Peter: Well, it's pretty simple-
(door flies open)
(Sam walks in in American Outfit)
Sam: We want you to vote...
Act Three – Chewing gum
Amy and Holley are in the burger bar where Kim is serving them. Tom has popped up from underneath the counter.
Holley: Tom! What on earth are you doing?
Tom: (Looking breathless) Nothing.
(Tom puts hands on knees and starts to inhale deeply)
Kim: (smiling) Sorry about this, he's new here.
(kicks Tom)
Kim: Get back down!
Tom: I can't do any more! There's only so much scraping one man can do!
Kim: From the vibrations I could feel it was pretty DAMN CRAP!!
(kicks Tom again)
Tom: Ow!
Kim: FUCKIN GET BACK DOWN!!
Tom: (salutes) Yes m'a'am
(Tom goes under the table)
Kim: So Holley, Amy, what was it you ordered-
(stops)
Kim: Oh, that's it. Yeah. That's the spot.
(Holley and Amy start to back away)
Kim: Yeeah... YES...
(bends over, puts hands on table)
Kim: YES, YES!
(Holley and Amy run)
(Door slams)
(Tom comes up)
Kim: Aw yes...
Tom: Was it good for you too?
Kim: Mmmmm...
Tom: Did I get the right bits?
Kim: Yeah, that was the best damn chewing gum removal I've had on this counter. Carry on scraping.
(Tom goes back down)
Act Four – Becky's secret
Cat Addison and Becky Bailey are in the library. No-one is around.
Becky: Is everyone gone?
Cat: (Looks around) I think so.
Becky: (Hisses) Be sure!
(Cat gets up, looks around)
Cat: Yeah, there's no-one around!
Becky: You've got to be sure!
Cat: (under breath) For fuck's sake...
Becky: What was that?
Cat: Nothing.
Becky: Stand to attention when you're talking to me!
Cat: What?
Becky: Err... Nothing, just check. NOW!
Cat: Look! There's no-one! I'll even prove it! HELLOOO!!
(Echoes bounce off bookcases. Bats squeak somewhere)
Becky: Ok, ok..
Cat: Get it out then.
Becky: (blushes) I can't!!
Cat: What?! You said you would!!
Becky: But it's - illegal!
Cat: No it's not, only if you use it at your age... Anyway, we're responsible teenagers! We should be able to do whatever we want!
Becky: (sighs) Ok then...
(turns backwards to camera)
(something zips down)
Cat: (gasps) It's so big!
Becky: I know... I love playing with it at night... And sometimes in the bath!
Cat: Can I touch it?
Becky: (giggles) Ok then...
(Cat touches something)
Cat: It's so smooth... And so big...
Becky: I can fire shots from twenty paces with this baby-
(Miss Poolton is standing there)
Miss Poolton: What the fuck?
Miss Poolton: What the HELL do you think you're doing with that out?! It's a LIBRARY for god's sake! There are children aro-
(Becky turns around with pistol in hand)
(BANG!)
Act Five – We have a body on our hands
Becky Bailey and Cat are in the library. Miss Poolton is slumped on the floor.
Cat: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! She dead! Aaah!! PANIC!! AGH!!
Becky: Shut up! Let me think...
Becky:...
Cat:...
(Becky coughs)
Cat:...
Becky:...
(Cat begins to whistle)
Becky: Done!
(silence)
Cat: Weeell?
Becky: Well what?
Cat: What's your idea?
Becky: Idea?
(Cat slaps hand on forehead)
Cat: What the? Who's that?
(shadowy figures step out)
(it's Holley and Amy!)
Amy: What the? Miss Poolton!
Holley: You killed her?
Amy: Is that the ring out of Lord of the Rings on her finger? Y'know, the one that give you ultimate power 'n' all that?
(All look at each other)
Holley: GET IT!!
(Everyone dives for Miss Poolton. After a few seconds, Holley steps back)
Holley: I have it! It's mine!
Amy: Give it to me!
Holley: (strokes ring) No, it's mine... My preciousss...
Amy: They're getting away!
(door swings open, Becky and Cat have gone)
Amy: Give up the ring Holley!
Holley: No! You'll steal it! You want it for yourself!
(room darkens)
Amy: (speaks in deep booming voice) HOLLEY GOODBAN! DO YOU TAKE ME FOR SOME CONJURER OF CHEAP TRICKS?!
Holley: Sorry.
Amy: After them!
(Amy runs off)
Holley:...
(stands still for a second)
(drops ring)
(ring falls heavily on floor. Breaks it. Library starts to collapse)
Holley: Nooo!
(Indiana Jones music comes on. Holley begins to run through the library's tight corners as Miss Poolton's body rolls towards her)
(Holley puffs and pants, with her hands on her knees)
(Miss Poolton's body falls through floor. Holley looks down hole and sees Orlando Bloom tied up. He calls for help.)
Holley: Fuck off! I'm goin' after Amy!
(Holley runs under a falling bookcase and rolls under a closing door. Her hat falls off just as the door is closing. She puts her hand under, grabs the hat and the door slams shut)
Act Six – Kim and Tom are like Salt 'n' Vinegar
Kim and Tom are alone in the diner.
Kim: Wanna go out?
Tom: Where?
Kim: My house (she grins)
Tom: Ok. Are you gonna... ya know..
Kim: Yeah.
Tom: Good.
Kim: Come on then.
(They go to Kim's)
Kim and Tom are in Kim's bedroom.
Tom: What dya wanna do then?
(Kim grins)
Tom: Oh no!
Kim: Plz...
Tom: No!
Kim: Fine!! Get outta my house! I HATE YOU!!
(Tom pulls out black pistol)
Tom: Sorry, what was that?
Kim: It's a fake!
Tom: Ha! (shoots Kim in the leg)
Kim: OW! You sick fuck!
Tom: Yep! Tis a fake! (grins)
Kim: Fine, stay, but stay away from me. I need a doctor!
Tom: (shoots the other leg) Yep! You sure do. Bye!
Kim: (cries) Tom! Don't leave me!
Tom: I'm going to meet Katie.
Kim: Huh?
Tom: My new girlfriend!
Kim: But Katie's my name!!
Tom: No it's not.
Kim: (grabs a teddy bear) I'll kill Mr Fluffles if you leave me!
Tom: Go on! Do it!
Kim: You don't think I'll do it do you?
Tom: Yes I do.
Kim: Don't play with me Tom.
Tom: Don't call me that! I'm Agent Williams.
Kim: No you're not!
Tom: You'll see soon enough.
(storms out to lightning)
(Kim turns to camera)
Kim: Sniff. I only wanted him to help tidy my room.
Act Seven – Becky and Cat vs. Agent Marshall
Becky and Cat run out into corridor to see Miss Marshall standing geometrically central to the hallway with black shades, a black suit and a black tie on...
Miss Marshall: Mrs Addison...
Cat: It ends, tonight Marshall.
Agent Marshall: I know, I've see it...
Becky: Shut the fuck up!
(BANG)
(Agent Marshall is dead, she turns into Miss Bright in a flash of light)
(Mr Moore steps out in suspenders and a bra)
Mr Moore: What's going on guys – AHH!
(He morphs into Agent Marshall)
(Becky pulls out uzis)
(Cat pulls out straw and loads it with spitballs)
Agent Marshall: (a brief smile flickers on her face) Let's go.
(Matrix music comes on)
(Becky runs across the wall, Agent Marshall starts shooting her in slow motion)
(Cat begins firing spitballs, one hits Agent Marshall's bullet in slow motion. They explode in a cloud of spit and lead)
(Becky jumps off wall and begins kicking Agent Marshall in the head from the air. She deflects her kicks with well- timed punches)
(Cat throws spitballs away, and jumps into the air. She is about to poke Agent Marshall, the camera pans around)
(Pokes Agent Marshall, she flies across hallway, crashes into wall at the end, leaving huge cracks in the concrete)
(Becky and Cat collide with each other, bang heads)
Agent Marshall: Ow...
Becky: (rubs head) Idiot.
(huge smash from up above)
(Peter and Megan fall through window at the top of the hall, flip off wall, and land side-by-side with arms folded)
Megan: Watch out, we've seen the Matrix...
(Uncle Sam bursts through door at the end of hall, panting. Hoists rocket launcher onto shoulder)
Uncle Sam: Got ya.
Act Eight – We want you to vote
Uncle Sam is pointing a rocket launcher at Peter, Megan, Agent Marshall, Becky and Cat.
Uncle Sam: I told you to vote...
(flicks switch, rocket launcher charges up)
Megan: You don't have to do this!
Uncle Sam: Yes I do! Sambourine?? (licks lips) Bye Alex, darling...
Agent Marshall: Alex?
Uncle Sam: Shut up. My business with the Mardis Gras is my own. Goodbye. (squeezes trigger)
(everyone dives to either side of the hall)
(click)
(silence)
Uncle Sam: Aw fuck... What's up with it this time? I got this for Christmas and I've had nothing but shit ever since...
(Uncle Sam turns it around and looks inside)
(everybody gets up)
(Sam takes out a pen and pokes it down the barrel)
Uncle Sam: There's the problem... Oh, fuck!
(BOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!)
(everyone gets down again)
(Slow motion starts. Shrapnel is flying everywhere. Flashes of gunfire can be seen in the mist)
(Peter and Becky fly past in mid air, shooting each other)
(Agent Marshall and Megan fly past, locked in a deadly duel)
(Cat goes past)
(smoke clears)
(Peter and Becky have guns pointed at each other's head, Megan and Agent Marshall are kung-fu fighting at superspeed, and Cat is checking for asbestos)
Megan: You'll never beat me! I've seen the Matrix!
Agent Marshall: I'll fail you if you don't let me win!
Megan: NOOO! Can't – lose – marks – shutting – down....
(Megan walks in with remote control)
Megan: Who the fuck broke my Megan Bot?
(everyone stops)
(Peter and Becky still have guns pointed at each other's head)
(Door swings open, Holley steps in)
Holley: (point uzis) LET'S GO! COME ON! OH ... oh ...
Act Nine - Indeed
Peter and Becky have guns pointed at each other's heads, and Holley's pointing a gun each at them.
Pete: (cocks gun) Soo...
Becky: (cocks gun) Indeed.
(silence)
(Mr Moore's bra rolls slowly past)
(wind ripples Peter and Becky's coats)
Holley: Are we gonna do this all day?
Becky: (cocks gun) Indeed.
Megan: Seems like I'm the only one not caught up in this. (smiles)
(Becky whips out another gun, and points it at Megan)
Becky: (cocks gun) Indeed.
Peter: How many times have you cocked that gun?
Becky: (cocks gun) Indeed.
Peter: STOP IT!!
Becky: (cocks gun) Indeed.
Peter: SHUT UP!!
Becky: (cocks gun) Ind-
(BANG)
(Becky slumps to floor. Everyone starts shooting at each other; they all miss.)
(Everyone stand off, with guns pointed at ach other)
(everyone breathes heavily)
Megan: This is ridiculous!
Cat: I know! Why can't we just all be friends?
(a loud bang is heard)
(everyone spins round, and points guns at door)
(footsteps are heard)
Holley: 1
(door creaks open)
Holley: 2
(figure steps out of shadows)
Holley: 3
(Mary Fortune puts hands up)
Act Ten – The Marynator
Everyone has guns pointed at Mary Fortune, she has her hands up.
Mary: Don't shoot!
(BANG)
Cat: Oops. Itchy trigger finger.)
Mary: (steps towards Cat) That wasn't very nice...
Cat: What the fuck?
(BANG)
(Mary's arm flinches, bullet bounces off. She carries on walking)
Holley: Holy shit! OPEN FIRE!
(Everyone fires bullets at Mary. A tank fires from somewhere. She carries on walking.)
Peter: Why won't you just DIEE!!
(Mary grabs Peter by neck)
Mary: Are you John Connor? Where is John Connor?
Holley: You mean Jon Kane? He's my boyfriend...
(Peter makes gagging noises)
Megan: Oh my god! You're choking him Mary!
Peter: No, you're not.
(Peter flips out of Mary's grip)
Cat: Who are you?
Mary: I am the Marynator™. I have come from the future to kill Jon Kane before he destroys the Internet with his incessant emailing of Peter Jarvis.
Cat: So what if the internet crashes?
May: No more lesbian porn.
(Peter and Cat collapse and cry on the floor)
Cat: (through tears) God no... It can't be true...
Mary: Yes, so I have to do my job.
Peter: You've got my vote!
Holley: So what are you saying? That you-
Mary: Yes. Jon Kane must die.
(Peter and Becky look at each other)
Becky: Oh no.. You can't kill Jon Kane...
Peter: Oh no, please don't...
Mary: Ahaha! I will now kill Jon Kane!!
Peter: Oh no.
Becky: Aw. Never mind.
(Mary stomps off)
Peter: Sucker.
Megan: I have to see this.
Peter: I know.
(go into slow motion, crouch down)
(ground ripples)
(Peter and Megan fly off)
(Megan bangs head on roof)
Megan: Ow...
(Moves sideways)
(flies off)
Act Eleven – Kim's End
Kim is hobbling through the streets, bleeding, after Tom shot her.
Kim: Help!
(Hobbles down the road a bit)
Kim: (croaky voice) Someone!
(old granny walks past)
Kim: (grabs granny's coat) Help me please! I've been shot!
Granny: Fuck off! (kicks Kim)
(granny pulls up hoodie and runs off to cause vandalism and then complain about it in the next day's newspaper)
Kim: HEEEEEELLPP!!
(Big "J" appears in the sky)
(Kim hobbles down the road, gets foot caught in drain)
Kim: For FUCKS SAKE!
(a window opens, and a man appears)
Man at window: For fucks sake! Shut up! (cocks gun)
(BANG!)
(hits Kim in arm)
Kim: AARGH!
(pulls out pistols)
(BANG!)
(man falls out of window)
Kim: Thank fuck for that!
Kim: Fucker.
(Bush nearby quivers)
Kim: Hello?
(Walks up to bush)
(pokes bush)
Kim: Hello?
(arrow flies out of bush and hits Kim in stomach)
Kim: Aghh! What the-
Kim: You FUCKER!
(dives in bush)
(bush shakes)
(bush stops)
(bush shakes once)
(Kim rolls out, dead)
(figure flies through the "J" in the sky)
(lands next to Kim)
(It's Jenny Hudson.)
Jenny: Who called for Jenny Hudson?
Act Twelve – The Oracle
Peter flies out of sky, and touches down behind a bench. There is a woman sitting on it with her back turned.
Peter: Are You Jon Kane?
Woman: (puts finger up) Bingo.
Peter: Why am I here?
Woman: Because you need to see me. I am the Oracle. Sit down my child.
Peter: I'd rather lie down.
(lies down)
Woman: Yes, we knew that you were going to do that. But had I not asked, would have you discovered the answer to the question that I did not ask through your own questions you asked and were not given the answer to?
Peter: What?
Oracle: Fuck knows.
(stares into space)
Peter: You're not human, are you?
Oracle: Evidently not.
Peter: If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say you were an email spamming program.
Oracle: And you'd be right.
Peter: How do I defeat the Agent Marshall?
Oracle: The Carjacker.
Peter: Carjacker?
Oracle: Sorry, the Hijacker.
Peter: Oh.
Oracle: Indeed.
Peter: How do I find him?
Oracle: He is being held by a very nasty program called the Mardis Gras. Be at this address at this time, and you will meet him.
(hands Peter paper)
Peter: But this paper's blank!
Oracle: Indeed.
Peter: Isn't the Mardis Gras a gay festival?
Oracle: Yes, so to save on any more copyright infringements, down here he is called Alex Baguley.
(A little girl approaches)
Girl: We have to go, my master... She approaches...
(Oracle stands up)
Oracle: (puts hand on Peter's shoulder) Oh yes... I wouldn't worry too much about Agent Marshall. That program is obsolete and will be replaced. A new, darker power is rising. So dark it will cover this land like... a load of... darkness...
Girl: We have to go!
Oracle: (to girl) Ok, keep your hair on, you little brat.
Oracle: (to Peter) Sorry, got to dash!
(steals Peter's watch)
Oracle: Taxed!
(runs off)
(Peter turns around)
(Agent Marshall is standing there, with seagulls flying away from her)
(she steps towards Peter)
Agent Marshall: Mr Jarvis...You look surpised to see me.. Again...
Act Thirteen – Enter Agent Williams
Agent Marshall is walking towards Peter in a basketball court.
Agent Marshall: You didn't really think you'd beat me that easily, did you?
Peter: I didn't beat you! You just disappeared from the script!
Agent Marshall: Let's pretend that's not true.
Peter: OK.
Agent Marshall: This is the end, Mr Jarvis, the finale, the road's halt, the finish, the-
(hand is shoved in Agent Marshall's back)
(she turns into Tom Williams)
Agent Williams: Will she ever shut the fuck up?
Peter: What the hell?
Agent Williams: You idiot.
Peter: What did you just call me?
Agent Williams: No, it's just... y'know... leading up to my point.
Peter: Oh well, that's OK then.
Agent Williams: You idiot. (does double thumbs up to Peter and smiles) You see, it's not only Kim that can clone people. You can do wonders with a roll of sellotape...
(all Agent Williamses walk up, alternating speech)
1st Agent Williams: It's sellotape that helps us...
2nd Agent Williams: Sellotape that binds us
3rd Agent Williams: You see, Mr Jarvis, you'll never defeat me...
2nd Agent Williams: Because the best thing about being me...
1st Agent Williams: Is there's so many me!
(fight music comes on)
(Agent Williamses rush at Peter)
(Peter punches one into a wall)
(kicks at high speed)
(lollipop lady walks past, Peter grabs lollipop stick)
(pushes it in ground, twirls around it in slow motion, kicking Agent Williamses)
(pulls pole out of ground)
(pokes Agent Williams with it)
(an Agent Williams sneaks up behind Peter and hits him over the back of the head with a baseball bat)
(Peter falls on floor, Agent Williamses all pile on him)
Agent Williams: (whispers in Peter's ear) You're going to die, Jon...
Peter: Jon?
Agent Williams: Errr...
Peter: If you're gonna kill me, get on with it.
Agent Williams: As you wish.
(shoves hand in back)
Act Fourteen – Fight or Flight?
Tom "Agent" Williams and his many clones are about to turn Peter into one of them.
(Peter turns slowly black)
(A sonic boom is heard, all Agent Williamses are blown back)
(Peter stands up)
(Megan lands next to him)
Megan: Just in time.
Peter: Ha! I had these lot (nods at the pile of moaning Agent Williamses) on the run!!
Megan: They were about to clone you.
Peter: No they weren't.
Megan: He had his hand in your back!
Peter: That means nothing.
Megan: Well, it obviously does.
Peter: Why?
Megan: YOU WERE GOING TO DIE!!
Peter: Calm down. With a temper like that, you're not going to save anyone are you?
Megan: WHAT?! I JUST SAVED YOU!!
(Peter puts fingers on lips)
Peter: Shh.
(Agent Williams coughs)
(Peter and Megan turn around, all Agent Williamses are staring at them.
Megan: DO YOU MIND!?
Agent Williams: No, we babysit.
Peter: Sitting on babies is cruel.
Agent Williams: (smiles) Cheaper than cushions...
(Agent Williams launch at Peter and Megan)
(Peter and Megan punch them off, one by one)
(Peter and Megan fly around the court in circles)
(they create a whirlwind)
(Agent Williamses all fly to walls)
(camera zooms in on one Agent Williams)
Agent Williams: More!
(all Agent Williams rush out of doors, windows)
(bus parks on road, all Agent Williamses get off and say thanks to the driver)
(Peter and Megan look at each other)
(floor ripples)
(they fly off)
Agent Williams: Next time...
(All Agent Williams look around)
(They walk off)
Act Fifteen – Phone Booth
Holley and Amy are walking around a crowded city. Amy is wearing a sign that says "I hate Americans".
Holley: Isn't New York great?
Amy: Yeah, but why are we here?
Holley: Remember, we're searching for the Mardis Gras.
Amy: Who the hell is that?
Holley: Remember, the one who can tell us how to defeat Agent Williams!
Amy: Agent Williams? I thought The Oracle said it was Agent Marshall? And wasn't it the Hijacker that the Mardis Gras had who was useful?
Holley: Oh yeah. But Agent Williams is now the main protagonist in the story.
Amy: Don't you mean antagonist?
(nearby payphone rings)
Holey: No, isn't the protagonist the one that-
(payphone rings louder)
Amy: No, but isn't the one that is the killer usually-
(payphone drowns out words)
Amy: (shouts) BUT IF YOU SEE HOLLEY,
(payphone shakes windows)
Holley: SO, WHAT YOU MEAN IS- (payphone drowns out voice)
(someone shouts down from roof of building)
Person on roof: WILL YOU JUST ANSWER THE FRICKIN' PHONE?!
(phone rings once at normal tone)
(Holley and Amy snap their heads to look at each other)
(they approach the phone slowly)
(Holley picks it up, Amy listens in)
Phone: (in calm voice) Do not move Holley. I have a sniper rifle aimed at your friend.
Holley: Who, Peter?
Phone: No, the other one.
Holley: Jenny?
Phone: No...
Holley: Alex?
Phone: NO!! The one that's right next to you!
Amy: I think he means me.
Holley: Oh right! (laughs) How silly of me!
Phone: For fuck's sake...
Holley: Aren't you supposed to have a German accent?
Phone: Oh right. (German accent) Ja, vat I said before.
Holley: I don't believe you.
Phone: I thought you vouldn't, so I vill shoot der bobble from der girl's head.
(shoots bobble from Amy's head)
(flies down a drain)
Amy: Hey!
Phone: No that you zee zat I tell der truth, let's play a game, shall ve?
Holley: No, I don't want to play.
Phone: No! It's my fuckin party and ve'll do vhat I vant.
Phone: Let's play Simon says.
Holley: I hate that game.
Phone: For fuck's sake!
Phone: Simon says there's a nuclear bomb on 53rd street. Run bitch.
Act Sixteen – Agent Williams' Victory
The Oracle is making cookies with a little girl that doesn't look to clever.
Oracle: (dips finger in cookie dough, and licks it) Mm-mm! I think they're done.
Little girl: Can I test them?
Oracle: No you can't, you fat bitch! You've had enough.
Little girl: I haven't had any!
Oracle: Shick, just shut up. I haven't got the energy to play your stupid games today.
Shick: What games?
(Oracle hits Shick with rolling pin)
(dips finger in cookie dough again)
Oracle: I love making cookies. (sighs) Pity I'll never taste them again...
(Shick drags herself back onto her feet)
Shick: Why, Oracle?
Oracle: Don't be so bloody stupid, Shick... Agent Williams is coming to kill me. Everyone's worked that out by now...
Shick: Sorry Oracle...
Oracle: Yeah, so you should be, you thick cow. Now piss off and leave me to die.
Shick: Where should I go?
Oracle: Do I look like the kind of woman that gives a toss? Just bugger off and stop asking stupid bloody questions!
(Shick leaves)
(Oracle dips finger in bowl and licks it)
Oracle: Ugh... I feel sick... To much cookie dough...
(sits down)
(shuffles chair around so back is facing door)
(taps fingers on chair)
(looks at watch)
Oracle: Come on...
(door opens)
(Agent Williamses come in)
Oracle: (with back turned) Bingo.
Agent Williams: I haven't said anything yet!
Oracle: I knew you were going to say it.
(Agent Williamses come round to front of chair)
Oracle: I know it is.
Agent Williams: This is the end.
Oracle: Well kill me then.
Agent Williams: It's time to die.
Oracle: You really are a bastard, do you know that?
Agent Williams: I'm gonna kill your little friend too...
Oracle: Why don't you hurry up and kill me?
Agent Williams: Will you (pokes Oracle) stop doing that?
Oracle: OY! Don't poke me! What did I do?
Agent Williams: Predicting everything before I say it!
Oracle: No I don't!
Agent Williams: Yes you di- There! You did it again!
Oracle: Just do what you're here to do...
Agent Williams: Yes m'a'm...
(shoves hand in Oracle)
Oracle: (chokes) Holley...
(turns into Agent Williams)
Act Seventeen – Speedbump!
Holley and Amy have hijacked a hearse and are heading to 53rd street.
(hearse mounts a kerb)
Amy: (plays with dice) mmmm...
Holley: (slaps hand) Stoppit!
Amy: Sorry, force of habit.
Holley: SPEEDBUMP!
(hearse goes flying over speedbump)
(Holley looks in rear view mirror)
Holley: Oops. Lost the coffin.
Amy: How come women are such cack drivers?
Holley: What?! You're a woman!
Amy: Oh... Yess... Woman...
(looks around)
Holley: (looks around) yes...
(Amy coughs)
Amy: ...
(turns radio on)
(YMCA comes on)
Radio: (dum, dum, dum, dum, dum)
Radio: (so come and stay at the – YMCA)
(Amy sticks her hands up in the air to do the actions)
Holley: What are you doing?
Amy: Join in!
Holley: (goes red) No!!
Amy: Go on, go on, go on...
Holley: I'm not sure...
Amy: (in Irish accent) Go on... Just a wee bit...
Holley: (sighs) OK then – but this is the last time!!
Amy: What?! I haven't asked you before!
Holley: Oh... Must've been Jon...
(shuffles feet)
Radio: (Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum)
Radio: (So come and stay at the -)
(Holley and Amy put hands up in "Y" shape)
Radio: (Y)
(hearse swerves)
Holley: (puts hands back on steering wheel, and pulls it hard left and right) Agh!!
(hearse crashes)
Act Eighteen – Listening like dead people
Ben Hallworth is walking down the street, listening into peoples conversations with David McAdam.
Ben: Ooh... That couple there are arguing!
David: (shouts) Err! You and Kim go out!
(Couple turn round)
Couple: Who's Kim?
David: Why do I know, you old bag?
Male Couple Person: What did you call my wife, you nobshite!?
(walks towards David)
David: Shut up, loser! You're so sad Pete!
Male Couple Person: Who the fuck's Pete??
Ben: Yam am.
(Male Couple Person pulls out pistols)
(BANG!) (BANG!)
Act Nineteen – Vous-a-vous aider?
Peter, Megan and Cat step into a lift. Peter sticks his fingers up at a group of people waiting to get in.
(lift starts moving)
Cat: Why are we here again?
(Peter and Megan slap hands on head)
(lift door opens)
(French guy walks up)
Frenchy: Vous-a-vous aider,?
(looks up)
Frenchy: Oh, it is you again. Look at my leg!
(shows bullet hole in his leg)
(Peter looks at Megan in confusion)
Megan: We're here to see the Mardis Gras.
Frenchy: (licks lips) Ahh, he has been expecting you... Follow the pink arrows...
(Peter, Megan and Cat walk past)
(Frenchy slaps Peter's ass)
Peter: (pulls out gun) Nuhu.
(BANG!)
(They walk into a pink room full of topless men)
Megan: (coughs) There he is.
(A man is sitting at a table waxing his legs)
Cat: Isn't that Kim sitting next to him?
Peter: And there's... two of them..
(Mardis Gras shouts over)
Mardis Gras: (pats chair) Sit down boys...
(Cat and Megan cough)
Mardis Gras: (sighs) And girls too...
(they sit down)
Mardis Gras: (puts fingers together) Do you know why you're here?
Megan: Shut up. Why is Kim over there? And why is there two of them?
Mardis Gras: Kim is there because she was deleted. Or she was supposed to be.
Megan: What do you mena?
Mardis: When it came time for her to be deleted, something strange happened.
Peter: What?
Mardis Gras: Her molecular components broke down on an atomic leval, and created fissionary copies of themselves, and then returned here.
Megan: And that means?
Mardis Gras: She cloned herself. There is now two. They call themselves the Kim Twins
(Kim Twins walk up)
Mardis Gras: And they are completely under my power.
Act Twenty – The Mardis Gras
Peter, Megan and Cat are in the New York penthouse of the Mardis Gras, who has just told them that Kim is not only alive, but now come in packs of two and are under his power.
Megan: What do you mean "under your power"?
Mardis Gras: They do anything I say. Watch. Say "I'm sad" Kims.
Kim Twins: We are sad.
Mardis Gras: Oh, I lurrve that. Oh I am a bad boy.
(stands up and starts slapping himself on the ass)
Mardis Gras: Oh, a bad, bad boy...
Peter: (pulls out gun and points it at Mardis Gras) Indeed.
(Mardis Gras stops)
Peter: Tell us what we want to know, or I blow your brains out all over this lovely pink leather upholstery.
Mardis Gras: Not the leather!
Peter: (cocks gun) Believe it.
Mardis Gras: (sits down) Well then, it looks like I have no choice. What do you want to know?
Peter: Let's start with these two. (points gun at Kim Twins)
Mardis Gras: Oh, that's simple. You see, I control traffic in and out of this world and the next. When Kim was killed, her soul was automatically handed over to me. And now that she's back, I own both souls. Two for the price of one, so to speak.
Cat: Release her.
Mardis Gras: I can't.
Peter: (cocks gun) Really?
Mardis Gras: You can cock that pinkin' gun as many times as you want, I still can't break the rules.
Megan: Fine, whatever. Keep her. But tell us how to defeat Agent Williams.
Mardis Gras: I don't know, but I know a boy that does. (giggles)
Peter: (grits teeth) Who?
Mardis Gras: The Hijacker.
Megan: I've heard that name before. Who is he?
Mardis Gras: The person who changed Tom into the person you see today.
Peter: (raises eyebrow) How?
Mardis Gras: Oh, that's so hot! Can you do that again?
(BANG!)
(bullet whizzes past the Mardis Gras' ear)
Peter: Is that hot enough for you?
Mardis Gras: Ooo... Testosterone city...
Peter: (cocks gun) Indeed.
Mardis Gras: Ok, ok..
Mardis Gras: My sources tell me this much as fact. When Tom Williams staggered out of Kim's house after shooting her, he was determined to change his life forever. So, he – oh wait there, forget it. Let's go into flashback mode.
(screen goes hazy)
Act Twenty-one – Tom meets the Oracle
Kim and Tom are arguing in Kim's house.
Kim: (grabs a teddy bear) I'll kill Mr Fluffles if you leave me!
Tom: Go on! Do it!
Kim: You don't think I'll do it do you?
Tom: Yes I do.
Kim: Don't play with me Tom.
Tom: Don't call me that! I'm Agent Williams.
Kim: No you're not!
Tom: You'll see soon enough.
(storms out to lightning)
(stomps down stairs)
Tom: I'm SO gonna have to kill that bitch. Tell you what, I'll go see the Oracle. I've heard she's good at killing stuff. She ran over that rabbit once.
Some time later, at the Oracle's house, the Oracle and Shick are watching TV. A thunderstorm rages outside.
Oracle: Crap.
(changes channel)
Oracle: Crap.
(turns off TV)
Oracle: Why is there so much crap on TV Shick?
Shick: -
Oracle: Stop asking stupid questions!
Shick: I didn't say-
Oracle: Stoooopppiiidd..
(Shick storms out in tears)
(Oracle looks at watch)
Oracle: Oh shit!
(shuffles sofa around so it is facing the wall, but it's back is to the door)
(door opens)
Tom: Are you the Oracle?
Oracle: (out of breath and facing wall) Bingo.
Tom: Why are you facing that way?
Oracle: The question you'll be asking later on is – would you still have come if it wasn't?
Tom: Yes.
(Oracle turns round)
(takes off glasses)
Oracle: That's correct..
Tom: And? It was an easy question.
Oracle: Yeah, but no-one ever understands my questions – never mind answer them correctly.
Tom: I'm here to-
Oracle: I know what you're here for. She cannot be killed. Strike her down and she will come back two times as powerful.
Tom: Yes, emperor.
Oracle: The Dark side is beckoning you, Tom. Try to resist it. Use the force, Tom.
Tom: How? How can I use my power for good?
Oracle: You can start by lifting this bloody sofa and moving it again. It weighs a tonne, and I really can't be arsed moving it.
Tom: And then what?
Oracle: Then, then my child, you must go and see the only one that can help you. The Hijacker.
Act Twenty-two - Paradox
Tom steps into a lift. He sticks his fingers up at the people waiting outside. One of them sticks finger back.
(steps out of lift to lightning.)
(Frenchy walks up)
Frenchy: Vous-a-vous aider?
Tom: I'm here to see the Mardis Gras.
Frenchy: Sorry, no-one can enter without unless they have an appointment or are butt naked.
(Tom pulls out gun, shoots Frenchy in the leg)
Frenchy: Tu bastard!
(Frenchy grits teeth)
Frenchy: You still can't come in.
(Tom cocks gun)
Frenchy: Oh fer fucks sake...
Frenchy: Go on, but if ze Mardis Gras asks, you were naked and hot, ok?
(Tom puts gun down)
Tom: Indeed.
(pushes doors open)
(the room is nearly empty)
(Mardis Gras is lying naked on the table eating grapes)
(notices Tom)
Mardis Gras: Oh shite!
(struggles to cover himself up)
(falls off)
(comes back up snappily dressed)
Tom: You are a good dresser..
Mardis Gras: Comes with being gay. Who the hell let you in?
Tom: (pulls out gun) This.
Mardis Gras: (sighs) Please, put it away...
Tom: Not until you've told me what I want to know.
Mardis Gras: Which is?
Tom: How do I find the Hijacker?
Mardis Gras: Please, sit down.
Tom: I'd rather lie.
(lies down)
Mardis Gras: (puts fingers together) Why do you want to know this?
Tom: I want to become powerful. I want power beyond my wildest dreams.
Mardis Gras: Power comes with a price, my love...
Tom: (cocks gun) Indeed.
Mardis Gras: (sighs) And why, pray I tell, should I give him to you?
Tom: Because otherwise, I'll blow your brains out all over this lovely pink leather upholstery.
Mardis Gras: You wouldn't dare disrespect leather...
(Tom spits on leather)
(Mardis Gras gasps)
Mardis Gras: You bitch!
Mardis Gras: Ok, ok, what do you want to know?
Tom: Where is the Hijacker?
Mardis Gras: He lives in Maple House 53rd street, New York. Right. Now piss off and leave me and my leather alone!
(Tom shoots leather)
Mardis Gras: No! What was the point?! I told you what you wanted to know!
Tom: (walking away) I'm going ebil.
Act Twenty-three – Genesis of Agent Williams
11:30pm, 53rd street, New York. Tom stands outside a house shrouded in darkness. A brass plaque says "Maple House".
(Tom picks up brick)
(throws it through window)
(climbs in window)
(A small room is lit only by a blazing fire. There are two leather backed chairs. A person is sitting in one of them)
Person: You could have just used the door.
Tom: I'm ebil.
Person: You mean evil?
Tom: (cocks gun) Indeed.
Person: Is that your answer to everything?
Tom: (cocks gun) Indeed.
Tom: Are you the Hijacker?
Hijacker: (cocks gun) Indeed.
Hijacker: Annoying, isn't it?
Tom: (cocks gun) Indeed. Oh. Sorry..
Hijacker: Shoot me.
Tom: What?
Hijacker: I said shoot me. That's what you're here for, isn't it?
Tom: No! I just wanted to do that to scare you!
Hijacker: Just do it, you pompous prick.
(BANG!)
(bullet flies into Hijacker)
(comes back out with tremendous force, hits Tom)
Tom: Agh!
(collapses on floor)
(Hijacker walks over, puts hands behind back)
Hijacker: You see, every action is part of an equation. The equation must be balanced. Peter's powers are growing out of control. You are the other side of the equation. You balance it out.
Tom: (groans) Don't I know you?
Hijacker: (quickly) No you don't.
Tom: Yes I do! You're Peter's brother, John!
Hijacker: No I'm not!
Tom: Yes you are!
Hijacker: Shut up! Sit here.
(throws Tom into the other chair, he sits down)
Hijacker: What do you want?
Tom: I want power.
Hijacker: Many people have power. But which type of power do you want? The power of love? Fear? Or do you want material power? I have plenty of nuclear bombs and sniper rifles, you know. I've been looking for a use for them for ages.
Tom: Erm... Ok... I want... The power to clone myself..
Hijacker: Ok.
Tom: And... the power to be really ebil.
Hijacker: It will be done.
Tom: And... I want a stapler!
Hijacker: Can't do that.
Tom: Why not?
Hijacker: Just can't.
Tom: Ok then. Just the other two.
Hijacker: Ok then.
(holds out clenched hands)
Hijacker: You have a choice.
Hijacker: Take the green pepper, and you will wake up in your bed, like nothing ever happened.
(unclenches hand to reveal green pepper)
Hijacker: Take the red tomato, and you will see how deep the rabbit hole goes...
(unclenches other hand to reveal squashed tomato dripping juice)
Hijacker: Aw fuck!
(pokes tomato back into shape)
(tomato collapses again)
Hijacker: Well? The choice is yours...
(Tom reaches for green pepper)
(Hijacker coughs and shakes head)
Tom: Oh, sorry.
(reaches for tomato)
(eats it)
(turns slowly black)
(turns into Agent Williams)
Act Twenty-four - Anything goes
Peter, Megan and Cat are in the Mardis Gras' New York penthouse with a bag of popcorn each. The Mardis Gras has his feet on the table.
(Megan rustles in bag)
Mardis Gras: Oops, we've finished.
(everyone sweeps away popcorn onto floor)
(Peter pulls out gun)
Peter: 53rd street? Thanks.
Mardis Gras: (stands up) I'm afraid I can't let you leave...
Peter: How are you going to stop us?
Kim Twin A: It shouldn't be too hard.
Kim Twin B: No it should not.
Peter: Oh really? What are you going to do? Twin us to death?
(silence)
Megan: That's not funny.
Peter: Sorry.
Kim Twin A: Oh, you will see our power...
Kim Twin B: Soon enough.
Peter: That's nice, got to dash.
(dives out of window)
(falls hundreds of feet)
(lands in a dumpster)
(crawls out, Megan and Cat are standing there)
Megan: Come on, we've got to go!
Peter: (groans) How did you get down here before me?
Cat: We got a lift.
Peter: What? From who?
Megan: No time to explain. Come on!
(jumps into front seat of a car with Cat)
Peter: (groans) Where did that come from? My head hurts...
(Cat drags him into the passenger seat)
(The Hijacker pulls up next to them)
Hijacker: You're going to die!!
(shoot tyres)
Peter: What the hell? Where did he come from?
Megan: (concentrating on road) You missed a lot when you jumped out of that window.
(car swerves)
Peter: What? I was only falling for ten seconds!
(Cat sticks her head out of sunroof, cocks machine gun on top)
Cat: Indeed.
(starts shooting Hijacker)
(another car rams them from behind)
Megan: (to Cat) It's the Kim twins.
Cat: I thought so. How long have they been following us?
Megan: About half an hour – since we fought Agent Bethell.
Peter: WHAT?! How the hell could any of this have happened?
Cat: (turns around) It's the Matrix. Anything goes.
(Ghostly figures come through back seat)
(they turn into the Kim Twins either side of Peter)
(both point guns at Peter)
Kim Twin A: We would advise you to pull over.
Kim Twin B: Yes, we would.
(Cat sticks samurai sword through seat, hits a Kim Twin)
(she turns into ghost again and falls through back seat)
(Peter pulls out banana from earlier and stabs other Kim Twin with it)
(she disappears)
Cat: How did you do that?
Peter: (smiles) It's the Matrix. Anything goes.
Act Twenty-five – The Highway
Peter, Megan and Cat are in a car going down the highway. They are being chased by the Kim Twins and the Hijacker when another car pulls up.
Peter: (looks out of window) Who's this? Oh my god! It's Agents!
(everyone looks)
(Agent Marshall and two other Agents are sitting in a car. One waves)
Cat: Oh my...
Megan: (concentrating on road) Who is it?
Peter: Agent Marshall and two other Agents I don't know.
Cat: They're Agents Natalie Finn and Tom Bethell. We had a little run in with Agent Bethell earlier, so we know what he's like. And we've heard that Agent Finn ain't no picnic either.
Peter: What's Agent Bethell like?
Megan: (looking at road) Amazing.
Cat: Sure is. He punched through a steel door at the bank to get to us.
Peter: When did you go to the bank!?
Cat: Well-
Peter: In fact, forget it. I don't want to know.
Cat: Bethell and Finn are climbing out!!
Megan: (looks backwards, then back at road) Shit.
(car swerves right, putting another car between them)
Peter: What are they doing?
(Agent Finn and Bethell are doing the Macarina)
Agent Bethell: One and a two and a three macarina –
(jump from next car to Megan's, crushing the other one in a mess of steel)
Agent Finn: Hey Macarina!
Megan: Alright!
(Cat slaps her)
Megan: Sorry! It's catchy!
(swerves car left and right to try and throw the Agents off. Agent Marshall starts shooting from her car)
(Agent Bethell rips the roof off)
Agent Bethell: Mrs Addison... Why hello again...
(Cat pulls out gun and starts shooting Agent Bethell. He dodges the bullets in a blur of arms and legs)
(Agent Finn pulls out gun)
(shoots Cat in head)
(she collapses on the chair and stays still)
Megan: (looks sideways) Cat!
(Peter pulls out two uzis and begin shooting both the Agents)
(they doge bullets in a blur)
(Megan swerves car left)
(Agents fall off, and roll down the road. They get up and jump back into Agent Marshalls car)
Megan: Is she alive?
Peter: (checks pulse) No, she's dead.
Megan: Bastards.
(Megan opens door, Cat falls out and is run over by passing cars)
Peter: Megan! What did you do that for!
Megan: I'm not sitting next to some dead bitch!
Peter: Fair enough.
(Hijacker rams car)
Megan: Peter, take the wheel. I'm putting an end to this.
(Megan climbs on to roof and stands up)
(BANG!)
(Megan clutches her stomach)
Peter: Oh, come on!
(Megan falls slowly backwards)
(she hits the bonnet of a car)
Holley: (at wheel) Got ya.
Act Twenty-six – She's still alive
Megan is lying on top of Holley and Amy's bonnet in the middle of a busy highway.
Amy: Tsk. Women.
Holley: Are you alright Megan?
Megan: Urrrghh...
Amy: (thumbs up) Ok then! We'll let you off now!
(car stops)
(Megan flies backwards)
(lands on bonnet of the Kim Twins)
Kim Twin A: What the fuck?
Kim Twin B: Fuck indeed.
(Kim Twin A pulls out gun)
(shoots Megan)
(swerves right)
(Megan falls off)
(Megan lies on floor)
Megan: I'm still alive!
(Agents run over her)
Megan: (groans) I'm still... alive..
(she rolls down roadworks)
Megan: (calls up) I'm still alive!
(cement is poured down hole)
Peter: Who's that bastard behind me that just killed Megan?
(stops car)
Holley: Holy shit! Who was that?
Amy: Ram the bitch!
(Agents go past see Holley ram Peter)
Agent Marshall: What the fuck are they doing?
Agent Finn: It's a trick. Retreat!
(car swerves round and drives off)
(Agent Bethell bangs on back window)
Agent Bethell: It's not a trick! Get them!
Agent Finn: Shut up Tom.
(Peter's head hits steering wheel)
Peter: Oh! Right then! You want to play dirty!
(leans out of window)
(shoots Holley's petrol tank)
(BOOOM!!)
(Holley and Amy are incinerated)
(Peter's petrol tank catches fire)
Peter: Oh sh-
(BOOM!!)
Act Twenty-seven – The Trisharchitect
A microwave shows Peter being incinerated. The camera zooms out, revealing more, blank, microwaves. A pen reaches out. The microwaves ding and show pictures of Peter with "Live" in the corner and "Trisha – I have an evil world-threatening twin" along the bottom.
(Peter stands alone in a room walled with microwaves, with a chair in the centre)
(the chair spins around 360°, leaving the chair back where it started)
Voice: For fucks sake!!
(chair spins round slowly to face Peter. A woman is sitting on it with a white goatee beard)
Woman: Hello Peter. I am the Trisharchitect, but you can call me Trish.
Peter: Hello Trish.
(applause)
Trish: I created the Matrix.
(applause)
Peter: Why am I here?
Trish: Because I did not want you to die.
Peter and all microwaves: Bullshit.
Trish: Choice.
Peter: Yes.
Trish: You must stop the Agent Williams.
Peter: Yes. How?
Trish: You must fight him in a deadly duel.
Peter: But why?
Trish: Because you are the result of a systemic anomaly systemic to the systemicness of the Matrix. Systemically of course.
Peter: Of course.
Peter: But why should I help you?
Trish: Because if you don't, Zion will be destroyed.
Peter: What's Zion?
Trish: Oh shit! I knew there was something I forgot!
(touches earpiece)
Trish: It doesn't matter. What matters is, this will be the first time we have destroyed it. And we've had lots of practise.
Peter: But how can you have lots of practise if you haven-
Trish: That is irrelevant.
Peter: Ok then-
Trish: That is irrelevant.
Peter: Well what is relevant then?
Trish: You. And him.
Peter: That's two things.
Trish: Ahhh! It's not! You are two sides of the same coin! Aha!
(dances around Peter, pointing at him)
Trish: Aha!!! Blown out!!
Peter: Errr. No.
(Trish stops)
Trish: You must go back. He will be waiting for you, you know that?
Peter: Yes. But there is nothing I can do about that, is there?
Trish: Well, you just couldn't go.
Peter: I'll do that then.
Trish: What? You big poof! Chicken! Bwark! Bwark!
Peter: Fine then! I'll go in and die!
Trish: Ok then.
Peter: Why are you so mean to me?
Trisha: Because I fancy you in secret. I'll take you up on your offer if you want.
Peter: What offer?
Trisha: Marriage!
Peter: Sorry?
Trisha: Oh crap. Sorry, different reality.
Peter: Can I go in now?
Trisha: Ok then.
(room melts away)
Act Twenty-eight – Finalé
Peter stands on a road lined with Agent Williamses. Lightning strikes in the black sky as rain falls down heavily. An Agent Williams steps out of the crowd and stands opposite Peter.
Agent Williams: Mr Jarvis... Welcome back... We missed you...
Peter: It ends, tonight, Williams.
Agent Williams: I know it does... I've... read about it...
(holds up newspaper)
Peter: Is that a – tabloid?
Agent Williams: It is indeed, Mr Jarvis, it is indeed..
Peter: (smiles) You've got no chance. They always lie.
Agent Williams: Well, it's told me everything you've done so far.
(smile disappears from Peter's face)
Peter: Good always prevails over evil, Williams.
Agent Williams: Not always.
Peter: Are we gonna get this started then?
Agent Williams: Looks like it.
(start to run towards each other)
(meet in the midde)
(Peter begins to hit Agent Williams, but he predicts everything he does)
(left kick)
(left kick)
(right punch)
(right deflect)
(swipe)
(duck)
(Peter swings fist back)
(Agent Williams swings fist back)
(meet in the middle)
(huge explosion)
(Agent Williams and Peter fly back, Agent Williams smashes against ground, Peter lands on his feet)
Peter: Did it tell you the force of that punch?
Agent Williams: (get up, shakes himself) Variables Mr Jarvis, variables. (grits his teeth)
(they fly towards each other, begin to hit each other)
(they start to rise as they fight in the air)
(they rise to the levels of the clouds)
(lightning strikes around them, the rain pours)
(thunder booms)
(they fly away from each other)
(they turn round, and fly towards each other)
(they grit their teeth)
(they smash together in a huge explosion, sending rain and cloud around them in a huge sphere)
(they both fall backwards)
(Agent Williams recovers first, flies at Peter)
(grabs hold of him, forces him down)
(Peter struggles against gravity and Agent Williams)
(they fall down, getting faster and faster)
(they fall into the city)
(they hit the ground)
(a huge explosion evaporates most of the city, other Agent Williamses are flung backwards)
(screen wobbles as Matrix struggles to keep up)
(smoke clears)
(Agent Williams stands over as Peter lies on the floor, unmoving)
Agent Williams: The power of the press...
(smiles)
(starts to laugh)
(laughs manically as rain pours down)
Act Twenty-nine – The gloves are off
Oracle sits on the Trisharchitect's chair. Shick stands next to her.
Oracle: What? It wasn't supposed to end like this!
Shick: I told you.
Oracle: Will you shut up! God! What is this?
Shick: It's a chair.
(Oracle stops)
Oracle: Don't try to be smart with me Shick.
Shick: They're coming.
Oracle: They?
(door opens)
(the Trisharchitect comes in with Agent Williams)
(Oracle gasps)
Oracle: You!
Trish: Me indeed.
(sits down on chair opposite Oracle. Agent Williams stands next to her)
Oracle: You cheat!
Trish: I didn't cheat. I merely bent the rules.
(Oracle stands up)
Oracle: I'll bend you!!
Shick: (puts hand on Oracle's shoulder) It's not worth it.
(Oracle knocks Shicks hand off)
Oracle: Shut up, Shick!
(steps towards Trisharchitect)
Agent Williams: I'd watch out, if I were you...
Oracle: Or what? You'll cheat and kill me? What happened to you, Tom? You were such a bright kid...
Agent Williams: I'm not Tom.
Trish: He is.
Oracle: And YOU!! I'd shut up if I were you!
Trish: Why?
Oracle: You cheated and now the human race must die!
Trish: It won't die.
Oracle: What?
Trish: The human race will simply remain under our power. We cheated in this game, so we'll call it a draw. You and the little girl will, of course, be allowed to go, and the presence of Agent Williams in the Matrix will be cut down.
Agent Williams: But still substantial.
Oracle: Game?! Substantial?? You cheated and now people are DEAD! You call that a game?
Agent Williams: I'd watch your mouth, if I were you.
Oracle: And I'd watch yours before I SMASH IT IN!
Trish: Now, that was uncalled for. May I remind you, that, although we're letting you go, you will be under our power.
Oracle: No, I won't.
Trish: What? We won! You know the rules!
Oracle: You cheated. So now the rules are irrelevant. This isn't the end. The gloves are off, Trish, and, trust me, my fists are made of steel. I will take back what is mine, and crush you!
Oracle: Come one, Shick, we're going.
(grabs Shick by the hair)
(storms off through door)
Agent Williams: That was a bit nasty.
Trish: It was, wasn't it?
Act Thirty – Someday
The Oracle and Shick are on a park bench. The sun is huge and glowing red.
Oracle: Did you do that Shick?
Shick: Yes. I did it for Peter...
Oracle: (faces Shick) I promise you Shick, you will be able to show him. You'll see him again, I promise you from the bottom of my heart...
Someday, Shick, someday....
Deleted Scenes
Act Seventeen A – The Funeral
Peter, the Oracle, Shick, Megan, Cat and the Trisharchitect are sitting in a church. There are several people crying. Everyone is dressed in black.
Peter: I can't believe it! She's late for her own bloody funeral!
Oracle: (to Shick) See! I told you this was going to happen!
Shick: What? Whose funeral is it?
(everyone groans)
Megan: (turns around) For fuck's sake Shick!? Can't you keep a lid on your stupidity?
Shick: No! I really don't know! Who is it?
Trish: For god's sake Shick! How many people do you know that've died recently?
(Shick starts counting on her fingers)
Shick: Well – Peter, Becky Bailey, Miss Poolton, Mr Moore, Miss Bright, Cat, Megan, Holley, Amy, the guy at the window, David McAdam, Ben – the list goes on!
(Oracle hits Shick)
Oracle: That's for your bloody cheek! Now shut up and face the front!
Shick: (mumbles) Bitch...
Oracle: What was that?!
Shick: Nothing...
(everyone faces the front)
(vicar walks up)
Vicar: I'm so sorry, the hearse has been... Hijacked...
(everyone gasps)
Cat: (stands up) It's the Hijacker!!
Vicar: No, it's not. Sit down, my child.
Cat: No! You've lost Kim!
Shick: Ohhhhh...
Vicar: SIT THE FUCK DOWN!!
(Cat sits down)
Vicar: Right... Erm.. I'm sure Kim's body will turn up soon, but I'm afraid you'll all have to go ho-
(BOOOOOOMM!)
(dust falls from the ceiling, the room shakes)
Vicar: What the hell was that?
(everyone runs outside, a hearse is smoking in the side of the church)
Vicar: Holy shit! My church!!
(Holley and Amy open the doors of the hearse and step outside)
Holley: It's alright, we're not hurt!
Vicar: That's the hearse that was bringing Kim!
(Oracle faints)
(Peter looks at the smashed back window of the hearse)
Peter: Err.. Where's Kim?
Amy: What? The coffin in the back? Oh, we lost that a couple of miles back.
(Megan faints)
Cat: WHAT?! What are we gonna do now?
Vicar: I've got a church now that I've got no use for!
Trish: (looks at Peter) Oh, I can think of a use for it...
Act Seventeen B – The Wedding
The Trisharchitect walks down the aisle all dressed in white, holding a bouqet of flowers while the wedding march plays. Holley wipes away some tears with a hanky. Peter is taped up on a chair at the end of the aisle.
(Peter struggles and falls off the chair)
(he tries to wiggle away)
(Trish puts her foot on him)
(wedding match goes off)
Vicar: Do you, Trisharchitect Matthimeus Corbett, take Peter Andrew Jarvis to be your lawful wedded husband?
Trish: (chokes back tears) I do.
Vicar: Do you, Peter Andrew Jarvis, take Trisharchitect Matthimeus Corbett to be your lawful wedded wife?
(Peter mumbles through tape)
Trish: That's a yes.
Vicar: I'm afraid I'll have to hear it for myself.
Trish: (sighs) Peter, I'm going to take the tape off. Will you please do me a favour and answer like I want you to, and I'll let you go?
(Peter mumbles and nods)
Trish: Ok then...
(peels tape off halfway)
Peter: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Trish slaps tape back on, kicks Peter)
Trish: That's a yes.
(Vicar coughs)
Vicar: Erm...
Trish: YES? IS THERE A PROBLEM?
(advances towards Vicar)
Vicar: (hastily) No, no problem...
Vicar: I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss.
(Peter mouthlessly screams through tape)
(Trish leans down)
Vicar: WAIT!!
(Peter sighs, carries on trying to wriggle away)
Trish: (through gritted teeth) Yes?
Vicar: Sorry, does anyone know of any lawful impediment why these two may not be joined?
(Trish looks at everyone with an accusing stare)
(someone bangs on window upstairs)
(everyone looks up)
(It's Kim.)
Kim: (shouts) Peter!!!
Shick: Isn't she dead?
(Kim bangs on window, falls through, lies unmoving on the floor)
Oracle: She is now.
Vicar: No-one?
(everyone stands up and applauds)
(Trish pulls Peter down the aisle by a rope she has tied around his neck)
(everyone throws confetti)
(church bells ring)
(Trish goes outside to limousine with "Just married" on the back)
(opens boot)
(throws Peter in)
(slams boot)
Holley: (holds Trish's hands) Have a great time!
Trish: (smiles) Will do!
(steps in car, everyone cheers)
(car drives away into sunset as Peter headbutts boot)
(everyone waves)
(END CREDITS)