Jewel: Spirit: Deep Water
Set two years before Home Again
It's Nothing Without Love
You find yourself falling down,
Your hopes in the sky,
But your heart like grape gum on the ground.
Chris got up from his bed (which was still in the basement, mind you) and sighed.
Another hour. Another day. It didn't matter. It all added up to one thing: more time passing since Wyatt's death. Which made Chris believe he wasn't coming back.
How come the universe enjoyed torturing him so much? How come he is still alive, while Wyatt's dead? How is that fair? Two words: It's not.
And you try to find yourself,
In the abstractions of the religion,
And the cruelty of everyone else,
And you wake up to realize,
Your standard of living somehow got stuck on survive.
Bianca woke up, smiling sleepily. But, the question was: Why? Didn't she realize that the very ground beneath her husband was crumbling? Didn't she realize that he couldn't make it without his older brother there to guide and protect him?
She rolled over, checking the clock. She sighed, rolling back to Chris. She just stared at him sadly, realizing the pain that he was going through. And she couldn't stand it. She wanted her husband back.
"What?" Chris asked, realizing how she was looking at him.
"Why are you up so early?" Bianca asked, sitting up slowly. "Better yet . . ." She checked the clock again, just to make sure she was right about the time. "Why are you up so late? It's only two, Chris."
Chris sighed, turning away from his wife as he pulled on a shirt.
When you're standing in deep water,
And you're bailing yourself out with a straw,
And when you're drowning in deep water,
And you wake up making love to a wall,
Well it's these little times that help to remind,
It's nothing without love.
"You're not going to a bar again, are you?" Bianca asked, tears in her eyes. When her husband didn't respond, she scooted over to his side of the bed and grabbed his arm. "Chris, you can't."
Chris faced her, tears in his eyes. "You don't get it, do you?"
"Chris, I understand that you loved Wyatt very much. You always will. And you just lost him. But drinking isn't going to help," Bianca said, getting off the bed and standing next to her.
"How do you know what would help?! You're an only child!" Chris yelled. "You don't know how it feels like to lose a sibling! And you never will! So stop saying that you understand!"
"Chris, it's been a year since his death!" Bianca shot back. "Get over it already! The rest of us have!"
Chris glared at her, smacking her across the face. "Don't you dare talk about Wyatt's death like that," he hissed.
Bianca was staring at the ground, a hand to her cheek, tears in her eyes. Did he just do that? Did Chris just hit her?
Chris grabbed her shoulders, forcing her to look him in the eyes. "Got it?"
"Chris, you're hurting me!" Bianca whimpered, struggling to get out of his hold on her.
"Got it?!" Chris yelled, starting to shake her.
"Yes!" Bianca yelled, starting to sob. "Yes. I get it, Chris."
Chris threw her down on the bed and stormed up the stairs, slamming the door open, only to come face-to-face with Leo.
You realize your only friend,
Has never been yourself or anyone who cared in the end,
That's when everything fades or falls away,
'Cause the chains which once held us are only the chains which we've made.
Chris gulped, knowing that what he had done to Bianca was wrong. And Leo knew what he did. And that was a very, very bad thing.
Leo stared Chris in the eyes for a moment before walking past him and down the stairs to Bianca.
Chris just let it go, starting to grab his keys from the table.
But Michael got to them first.
"Give them," Chris said, advancing towards Michael.
Michael shook his head, orbing away.
Chris growled in anger, punching the wall.
When you're standing in deep water,
And you're bailing yourself out with a straw,
And when you're drowning in deep water,
And you wake up making love to a wall,
Well it's these little times that help to remind,
It's nothing without love, love, love,
It's nothing without love.
"If you want to leave that bad, Chris, just orb," Piper said from the doorway, crossing her arms.
Chris faced her. "The last time I used magic in public, I killed my older brother. I'm never using magic again. In public or at home."
Piper sighed, walking over to Chris. "Sweetie, you didn't kill him."
"Mom, I caused the whole thing to happen," Chris said, tears in his eyes. "I killed him. Whether I did it directly or not. I killed my brother."
Piper shook her head, holding Chris close. "No you didn't, honey. You didn't. I promise. You didn't."
We've compromised our pride,
And sacrificed our health,
We must to demand more,
Not of each other,
But more from ourselves.
"I have to go," Chris said, pulling away from Piper, grabbing her keys from the hook, and walking out the door.
He walked down to the car, enjoying the feel of the cold wind on his face. Somehow, someway, when he found himself enjoying these kinds of things, all his pain washed away. He forgot everything that's ever happened in his life. He felt free again. Not imprisoned in his own house and body. He felt like he was the only one on the face of the Earth. When he was just standing there, he felt like his problems didn't matter anymore.
But, sadly, those moments always had to die.
"Chris!"
'Cause when you're standing in deep water,
And you're bailing yourself out with a straw,
And when you're drowning in deep water,
And you wake up making love to a wall,
Well it's these little times that help to remind,
It's nothing without love, love, love.
Chris turned around to find Leo running his way. He sighed, turning back to the car and unlocking it. Leo ran up to the car just as Chris started opening the door.
"You're not going," Leo said, slamming the door shut and orbing the keys away from Chris.
Chris sighed, tears in his eyes, closing them, and leaning against the car.
"Chris -" Leo started, putting a hand on his son's shoulder.
Chris faced him. "You don't get it, Dad. I have to go. I have to get rid of this pain and guilt somehow. I can't live with it anymore."
Leo took Chris's face in his hands, forcing his son to look into his eyes. "Chris, we can get through this. I promise. You just have to trust me."
A tear rolled down Chris's face. "I miss him, Dad. I miss him so much that it hurts."
Leo nodded, wiping away Chris's tear. "I know, Chris. I miss him, too."
Chris slid down the car, putting his head in his hands. "I just want the pain to go away."
Leo knelt down next to him, nodding. "I know you do. And I want to make the pain go away for you. And I know how to do that, Chris. You just have to trust me."
Chris looked up at him, nodding. "I trust you, Dad."
Leo smiled sadly, pulling Chris into a hug. "Good. I'm glad you trust me. Because now we can get rid of your pain."
Chris pulled back, looking Leo in the eyes. "Can we get rid of my guilt?"
Leo nodded. "In time. I promise."
Chris smiled sadly, nodding, as Leo helped him up off the ground.
"Let's go back inside now, okay?" Leo asked, raising his eyebrows.
Chris nodded. "Okay."
It's nothing without love.
He was finally seeing the light. Chris finally knew that he couldn't wash away his pain with alcohol, as much as he wanted to. His family had been telling him that for almost a year now, but he didn't hear them. He didn't hear them until he saw the way Leo was looking at him. Until he saw the pain, disappointment, anger, and the look that told Chris that Leo was a little ashamed of him, buried underneath it all.
Chris didn't want to see his father look at him like that again. He just hoped that they could get through this, so Leo would never have to.
Chris looked over at his father, smiling.
Leo smiled back, putting an arm around Chris's shoulders, and pulling him close as they walked up the driveway to the back door.
It's nothing without love.