"So I've made my mind up

I must live my life alone

And though it's not the easy way

I guess I've always known



I'd say goodbye to love

There are no tomorrows for this heart of mine

Surely time will lose these bitter memories.......

.....Loneliness and empty days will be my only friend

From this day love is forgotten

I'll go on as best I can


What lies in the future is a mystery to us all

No one can predict the wheel of fortune as it falls

There may come a time when I will see that I've been wrong

But for now this is my song


And it's goodbye to love

I'll say goodbye to love"

Goodbye to love--The Carpenters

______________________

Hold On

Chapter 18

Last Goodbye

"Uh......ohhh." he groaned, rising from his bed. He shivered, he was cold. He wiped his face with his hand then took a look at himself. No shirt, duh of course he was cold. He groaned pressing hard his hand to his head; it hurt like hell.

He stood up from bed letting the covers fall off of him and then looked down....Whoa now! He sat back down on the bed, embarrassed by his nakedness, and letting his eyes scan around the room in search of his clothes. They hung over a chair and he made his way over to them. 'Where is she?' he wondered. As he pulled on his pants awkwardly, he fell back on the bed. He felt a lump against his bare back and rolled over instantly and stood up. She groaned and turned over to face him. He stepped back looking at her. She grinned looking him up and down then shook her head.

"Leaving huh?" she asked then rolled her eyes, "Yeah of course you didn't even want to know my name, what did I expect?"

His eyebrow pressed together and she scoffed.

"Whatever" she said and rolled back over.

'What the hell happen to me?' He thought, the memory still foggy, 'How could I do this?!'

He quickly grabbed his shirt and shoes, stumbling a little while putting it on then ran out. He carried his shoes in his hand and slammed the door. Memories flooded his already damaged and pounding head. His back pushed against the outside of the door. A sensation fell over remember her presence once there. He hated himself, he made her cry! He pounded the door, almost mimicking her same actions. He couldn't stay there; the realization that he hurt her was becoming clearer. Though as painful as it was, he couldn't make himself move from his place.

Remembering her was terrible, the sound of her tears swept over him like a dark cloud of disgust for himself taking up almost all the feeling in him. But then, just thinking of her was comforting. Not much, but enough so that he couldn't move. He felt that if he did, it would take from him what was left of her. She'd be gone after. He'd never be with her again.

Hadn't he known that if he had done this, she'd be gone-that she'd feel pain? Yes he did. But after she wouldn't have to deal with him, that's why he did it.

That's the most dumb ass reason in the whole fucking world.

Was he freaking insane!? What happened to all the knowledge he'd acquired over the years? Had the alcohol stripped them away from him? Just like that fuck had Lizzie?

He wanted to blame someone. He parents, the alcohol, the girl, someone besides himself. He didn't want to be the reason for her pain. But the more he told himself that it wasn't him, the more that he knew it was. The more his pain increased.

He didn't want to feel sorry for himself. He didn't want to be selfish. Think about how I hurt her? My angel, my beautiful girl, my lover? Her being so sensitive and carefree, wonderful, with her innocence and beauty, and to have the one person you think you trust, the one you have risked and put before yourself betray you, use you? Never, he thought, but he did. He felt so many regrets, in just one night.

How had this happened to him?

'How could he hurt her?!!!!!!' he wanted to scream, but was afraid the sound would result in his tears. He shouldn't cry when the woman he loved was facing more pain imaginable than him. He could he even think, when an angel was crying.

He stood up and kicked the door. He glanced back at it, but then turned away. He could stand the mere thought of anymore memories.

He walked down the hall way and then dropped his shoes slipping them half way on. He glanced around, only few people where still there, but he didn't think twice about them. He made his way down the stairs.

Hadn't things once been perfect? Memories of his youth full his head as his hand glided down the staircase railing. Everything in his life that had once been so new and innocent was now turning complicated and sickening. He wished he hadn't taken for granted the times when he was young-the times he thought where the worst. When the huge problem was only thinking a teacher hated him, or times he regretted not telling Lizzie how he felt about her. He wished that he could have just gone back and enjoyed the time with her, those times of petty Jr. High problems and just enjoyed it while it lasted.

But it was over now. It had been over for quite awhile now and now he was here. With another problem but this time it was bigger than he thought. He had gotten together with Lizzie and that was wonderful, but breaking up? That never occurred to him. It wasn't something that could just blow over he wouldn't forget it, and her either.

The cause of all this was his lying to her. Why hadn't he told her? She asked him over and over again. All her questions where egging him on, the beer made him want to slap and her tell her to shut up. Bu-but in her eyes, those beautiful eyes, he knew all she wanted was for him to be happy. She wanted to help him, she wanted to love him.

He now realized that this whole time he wasn't letting her. Lying to her, this party deal, that girl, all because he wanted her to stop loving him. He didn't want her to hurt, and she didn't want him to either.

She wanted to hold on he wanted to let go.

'I guess I was wrong' he thought reaching the bottom of the stairs and staring at the cream color carpet stained with a smell of beer.

"Hey," called a voice

Gordo glanced at him but didn't look up. It was him, the starter of this dreaded party. He laughed at himself. He still wanted to blame. No, it wasn't his fault, but blaming someone other than himself made him feel somewhat better. Just like the beer, however, the feels following were even worst.

"Hi Ethan," he mumbled

"Gordo-" he started but when Gordo raised his head to reveal his pain struck face, he was speechless.

Ethan watched as he made his way over to a chair and he sunk down into it, his face down again. Ethan stood there, as if waiting, 'what does he want?' thought Gordo, 'does he think I'm just going to open up to him and telling him everything? He has no idea'

Ethan backed away, he was nervous, he didn't know what it say. It was one of the moments he so wished he was at least a little more intelligent, maybe then he could help his friend.

"Listen, I don't know if you want to know what happened, but think you should......." Gordo let his voice trail off now alone with his own thoughts. He heard bits of what Ethan told him, the girl's name was Bethany or Heather, he didn't care. He remembered what happened.

…..He was making out with her. He remembered the cigarette breath, blowing hot air into his mouth. The wet lips pressed forcefully against his.

He shirt sleeve went to his face to wipe his mouth.

Their kisses so deep, her tongue taking over his mouth, her legs wrapped tightly around his waist. He hands touching her skin rubbing slowly up and down her waist.

He felt himself grow smaller a sharp pain in his heart at the memory of her tears.

The girl couldn't stand it any longer and dragged him upstairs putting her hand to his chest. Grabbing his chest and pulling at his shirt the whole way up the long fleet of stairs. She was just wasting time though; he pulled the shirt off for her.

He was feeling naked-empty.

And then they reached the room. There were no feeling put into their sex. Lying naked next to each other as one, didn't have them intense beauty and emotion as it would if there were in love or even liked each other. This was just a fling because he just wanted to forget and she just wanted him for the night. Nothing went through their heads, not a single thought. They where too wasted to think, even if they could they probably didn't want to, at least he didn't.

He raised he head back up to Ethan, and Ethan stopped talking. He realized now that words wouldn't help his friend. Nothing he could do would help him. What he wanted, what he needed, was far beyond repair.

Gordo couldn't blame his father anymore.

It was him.

It was his fault.

He made her cry.

His head was pounding, his heart aching. For her touch, her sent, the sight of her face, he wanted to feel her with him, he wanted to taste the feeling of her presence.

But she was gone.

'Unless....,' he shook his head at the thought. He'd screwed up. He just had to get it through his head that there was nothing left to do. It was too late for anything.

"I........I'm so sorry man" said Ethan interrupting his thoughts once more.

"I-I know, I am too"

Ethan started to speak, clearly knowing nothing to say but Gordo stopped him. "E-Ethan? How did this happen? To me?....T-to, to Lizzie?"

Ethan shook his head and put his hand on his shoulder, "No, no c'mon man, it's not your fault-"

"What hell do you mean it's not my fault?!" yelled Gordo shoving Ethan's hand off and backing away, "I did it don't you see?!!! I-I, uh-God!! No ones knows anything! First my freakin' father beats my mom, and then he goes and hits me! So I take this shit for then next year or so and finally when I get the guts to stick up for my mother, she takes my dad's side, no-no worse! Sh-she doesn't do anything! So then you in your fake ghetto attitude get me started on the booze. And ya now what? I got hooked! S-so much that I was at the point to where I wasn't even conscience that I was lying to her....to-t-to Lizzie," he took a breath, shivering, "I was hurting her! This whole time I thought this would hurt her, this final act to try to get rid of all my feelings, that would hurt her. She would stop loving me. But I was wrong. This whole time I was hurting her, she knew I was lying to her. She TOLD me she knew. She knew I was hiding something from her. I told her my dad got laid off, partly the truth. But now?! Now she must think, I have never loved her, this whole time at parties I was just having fun cheating on her, I mean, I-I, I mean-She thinks I don't love her!!!"

Ethan started to speak, but Gordo cowered back from him. He pushed him back and put his hands to face. He stumbled awkwardly trying to get out of the house. He ran. Outside, he didn't look back to see his friend call back to him. He ran faster, the dark sky above him the blanket of stars lighting his way to hell. 'Some Christmas,' he muttered coldly to himself

He reached a bench, in front of the old rundown Wal-Mart. He stopped and took a few much need breaths. He sat on the bench but then couldn't resist the urge and laid down. He shivered as a breeze passed him. He looked up at the stars. The constellations seemed to form her face. So beautiful, so far away. Never could he enjoy the feeling of her touch again. He sighed.

He wondered where she was, did she go home? Did she tell her parents, Mr. McGuire swearing to her that she would never again have to deal with wretch like him again? Or did his angel sneak back into her house, too ashamed and hurt to tell anyone anything. Did she cry herself to sleep? Did hate for him fill her dreams? Did he destroy her hope, her joy?

He was resting on a bench, on Christmas day, hungry and too scared to return home. He had made a mistake bigger than himself. He had betrayed his love and destroyed her spirit. All he could do now was go back to her plea for forgiveness and tell her everything he had once hidden. He didn't expect her to forgive him, to take him back in her back in her arms and flood his face with kisses of pity for him; to love him again. But he would just to say he did, just to see her face, beautiful still through the death stare face stained with tears. He was truly sorry and he wanted her to at least know. 'Maybe', he thought, 'it will be one last goodbye'

He prayed to God a silent prayer that Lizzie would be happy, even if it was without her. The stars twinkled and he slowly fell asleep on the bench. A plan in his head and dreams, his last goodbye to his love, he dreaded. Yet, he knew it had to come. He didn't believe, anymore, about forgiveness or hope.

But on that early Christmas day, both forgiveness and hope were granted to him when he woke, when his dark brown eyelashes fluttered open to a bright, blue, sky.....

...not a trace of darkness anywhere, but his heart.....

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Hey, next chapter is going to be happier so don't worry. I know-it's terribly sad. I'm almost done with "Hold On" and the next story you'll hear from me will be called, "The Lizzie Nightmares". It's going to be different from my other stories. It's, of course, romance L/G but it's also drama/supernatural. I've worked on it for awhile, but won't post it till I'm nearly done.

I had a pretty hectic week, but today is better, it's my birthday. I still don't feel so hot though...actually I'm kinda mad but I'll just let go. Well, anyways make my day, drop my a line r/r later,

Lola~