In preparation for the arrival of Maria Fortuna, the royal family of Far Far Away did the only thing it could do to ensure that their new ally was made to feel at home – they planned a party. The cooks at the palace were instructed to prepare a feast and the servants busied themselves in making the palace and town look more 'presentable' in readiness for Maria's arrival. Flowers were arranged around the entrances to the town and castle, while the guards were doubled to protect against any possible incursion by Simon before Maria arrived.

The potions factory was still using the old 'Fairy Godmother' signs to advertise their products, with some of the billboards still visible in the older parts of the town. Harold gave orders for the signs to be removed, hoping that their absence would avoid any chance of their offending Maria. Workmen were busy throughout the town, removing all traces of the former Fairy Godmother for two days, starting with the palatial areas of town and working towards the old district, where the workers of the kingdom lived.

Maria arrived with dawn on the third day, as promised. Once she passed through the city gates, she made a show of casting a protective spell on the main gate to ensure that no-one with ill intent could pass through it unannounced. The day was spent in a meeting with the magical council, during which their plan of action was decided upon.

"In summary," concluded Maria, pointing at various points on a map of Far Far Away as she spoke, "I will create a distraction to the south of the city which will attract Simon. Your army will close in behind to help me defeat him once and for all."

"I'm not comfortable with removing the entire army from the city – could we not keep at least a third of the army here to protect the people in case the attack fails?" asked Lillian.

"My dear girl – I hate to state the obvious, but if our attack fails, it will not matter if you have a third, a half or the whole of your army in here! Simon has taken out larger forces on his own before. Your only advantage is my presence." Maria patted Lillian's arm in a comforting gesture. "I understand that it is hard to accept – but I am not my sister, and I do have your well-being at heart. Please believe me!" Maria drew back her hand and looked imploringly at Lillian.

"My apologies. Of course, you are right about the army. You're right about everything..." Lillian drawled. "I'm sorry – I seem to be a little unwell. Would you all excuse me?" Lillian dipped a quick curtsey to Harold and left the room quickly. Fiona followed her mother.

"May I ask if there is anyone on the council prepared to help me to distract Simon?" asked Maria.

"I will," said Fauna, piping up from the far end of the table between Merryweather and Flora. Her sisters nodded in agreement. The druids shook their heads – afraid their magic would prove too weak in the heat of battle. Similarly, the wood spirits and talking animals declined to offer their services.

"It is no matter – I'm sure between the four of us, we should be more than a match for one sorcerer." Maria continued talking with the council for some time, watched warily by Shrek and Harold who were constantly on alert for any suspicious behaviour. As the council broke up, Fiona re-entered the room and linked her arm through Shrek's. She checked for Maria's whereabouts, then when she saw Maria was talking with Fauna and Merryweather she slipped a note into Shrek's hand unnoticed. She stood on tiptoe and whispered into Shrek's ear.

"Mother is unwell. She scribbled that note and told me to hand it to you for you and my father to read. She told me not to read the note but to keep Maria busy for the next few hours so that you have time to act. I love you!" Fiona pecked Shrek on the cheek and smiled brightly, before heading over to Maria. "Maria!" said Fiona loudly, "Would you like to see the library? After all, if we're not going to attack until next week, we should relax today, don't you think?" Fiona giggled and linked her arm into Maria's, leading her out of the council room. Once the council had dispersed, Shrek read the note in his hand.

Maria can read your mind if she's touching you. She cannot be trusted. Find somewhere outside the castle to decide what to do – I think she's using her magic inside the castle to spy on us.

He lifted Harold onto his arm to read the note, then ripped it in half and burned one half in the fireplace. The other half he pocketed to dispose of outside the castle.

"I know just the place – but we'll need an escort," said Harold.

"Two pints, a whiskey, a bucket of water for the ass and a packet of crisps Doris," shouted Puss over the noise of the bar. Harold, Shrek and Donkey were seated in a corner of the Poisoned Apple trying to look inconspicuous. Harold had reasoned that if Maria were to follow them, her presence would not go unnoticed in the pub and they would be able to slip away quickly. The downside was that they'd had to leave the safety of the city walls to visit the pub. Puss made his way back to the table, weaving elegantly between the patrons of Doris' bar.

"As I was saying," said Puss, putting down the drinks, "she's nicer than her sister."

"I don't like it. It was too easy to convince her and then there's the business with Lillian not trusting her," answered Shrek.

"But Lillian is not well and you know, could be paranoid because of that. Couldn't she? I mean, that voodoo about Maria reading her mind. How would Lillian know?" said Donkey.

"She always had a certain strength of mind – that's why the Fairy Godmother could never intimidate her. Me on the other hand..." Harold trailed off. "Besides, there's something more serious than Lillian's suspicions."

"What?" asked Shrek.

"Before the Fairy Godmother took over the Keebler Elves' factory, anyone from the kingdom that needed a potion would have to send off for it to two sisters who used to brew potions in a duchy not far from Duloc. I remember people at court talking about it just after Lillian and I married – they wanted a cure for the old king and were thinking of sending off to 'the sisters' for a potion." Harold tried to take a sip of his pint, but found it empty. I must have drained it, he thought.

"What's so strange about that?" asked Puss.

"I think 'the sisters' were Maria and the Fairy Godmother," said Harold.

"So they used to work together before Maria was taken over by Simon. Big deal," said Donkey.

"It is Donkey – because Maria told us that she was thrown out of the house by her sister when she was only twelve. They couldn't have worked together if that was true," said Shrek slowly, suspicion rearing its ugly head in the conversation. In the background, Hook started to play "Feelings" in B flat, killing any emotion that the song could once have held.

"Perhaps she feels we would not trust her if she say she like her sister, so she say they had problems so we don't think she's the same as Fairy Godmother, si?" said Puss.

"Perhaps. But I still don't trust her," said Shrek, reaching for his pint but finding it mysteriously empty.

"Well, what are we going to do?" croaked Harold. "My wife and daughter are in the castle trying to distract Maria long enough for us to come up with a plan to protect us from her, while we're sitting here and failing to come up with anything!"

"There's not much we can do," said Donkey, "unless of course Maria steps out of line. At the moment we have only vague suspicions and exaggerated gut-feelings which may be completely wrong when we compare them to Maria's true intent. How do we know that Maria is at fault here – we may be simply looking for a problem where none exists in actuality." Donkey looked at the other three drinkers and very slowly blinked. Then he let out a loud belch and fell backwards, snoring before he hit the floor. Shrek sniffed the air.

"Beer. He's been drinking our pints again!" he sighed. "Puss – ask Doris to make room in the stable for Donkey. He won't wake up for hours and I'm not carrying him back. And get some more beers." Puss nodded and left to get the drinks.

"If only we had some way to be sure," said Harold. Behind him, Hook closed the piano lid, bowed to the audience who were looking anywhere but at him, snarled and left for his night off.

An hour and several pints later, the trio were no closer to making a decision about how they would prove Maria's treachery, or loyalty, whichever it was. Shrek and Harold were starting to relax, the tension of the last few weeks fading as they drank. Puss was on high alert however, skipping drinks in order to remain sober enough to protect the two royals who would be returning home later that evening. Donkey had long since been carried to the stable, snoring loudly and complaining in his sleep. Puss watched as Shrek and Harold called over Doris to order some more drinks. Doris added them to the slate, then winked at her new boyfriend Robert who was helping out tonight. She had long since ditched Charming in preference for someone who took less time to get ready in the mornings than she did. The fact that Charming had seemed less than interested in Doris had also put her off the prince somewhat. A young man took a seat at the piano and started to play "Everything I do..." while singing in a cracked falsetto voice. Puss cringed throughout the song – he had forgotten that Doris had started a 'local talent night' where regulars of the pub would provide the entertainment on Hook's night off. The regulars were not naturally gifted singers, although their attempts could prove amusing. Unless the singer was particularly good (or awfully bad) they tended not to interrupt the conversations in the bar in any case, good singers being rewarded by silence for their attempts and bad singers receiving thrown bottles and mild verbal abuse. Puss was relieved when a young girl took her seat next, with a tuneful rendition of "I put a spell on you."

Puss tapped his feet as he brought over another round for the drinkers, swaying in time to the music. Shrek and Harold were now planning to defeat Simon by staying in the castle and throwing stones. He decided they should leave after this drink, or Doris would have to make up more room in the stable. As he sat down, another young hopeful sat at the piano and started to play. Puss was sufficiently unimpressed by the simple tune to ignore it, but soon changed his mind when he heard the man start to sing in a husky voice, depression dripping from each word.

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you had to leave

I wish that you would just leave

'Cause your presence still lingers here...

The singer faltered, touched his heart lightly, then continued with the song. His haunting tones silenced the pub and he continued in the silence of a rapt audience. Puss used this opportunity to take a look at the singer. Unlike the other hopefuls, he was not dressed perfectly with immaculate hair and nails. In fact, he looked like he hadn't washed for months, his hair unkempt and his clothing marked with various stains. The singer wore a long dark cloak pulled tightly around himself and dark grey trousers and looked as though he had just decided to get up and sing over his last drink. Puss listened to the song as he scanned the clientele of the pub. There was not a dry eye – the young man's haunting tones echoing through the audience and pulling at every heartstring. Puss decided to go and relieve himself outside before he was forced to destroy his assassin's image by crying in front of everyone.
Still you have

All of me

Puss heard the last few bars of the song and judged it safe to return to the bar. He passed close to the piano as he entered, the young man just closing the lid of the piano. Unseen because of his height, Puss took this chance to examine the young man more closely – he was sure he had seen him before. The dark unkempt hair was matched by the dishevelled beard and moustache. As he stood up, his cloak brushed aside and Puss saw that the grey trousers were in fact part of a very old silver spandex suit. The name "Kyle" was just visible before the man pulled the cloak around himself and slunk back to a corner of the pub where his drink still waited for him. Puss rushed back to the table.

"Boss! It's the Fairy Godmother's chauffeur!" he cried, pointing at Kyle. Shrek looked over at the opposite corner.

"You sure?"

"Yes! We should talk to him," started Puss, before turning to Harold. "Perhaps he would have known Maria – after all he did work for Fairy Godmother for some time."

"Work's not all he did, if what I've heard is true," giggled Harold, sliding slowly off his seat. "Where's Shrek gone to?"

Shrek walked briskly up to Kyle's table, his large frame blocking most of the light so that Kyle's expression of disgust at the sight of the ogre became obscured.

"Kyle! You used to have a whip didn't ya?"

"Yes," replied Kyle coldly. "Can I help you?"

"Och, my old chuffer, I was just wondering how things were with you now that the old battleaxe is gone. Bet you're glad to be rid of her..." he slurred. "Now, there's was something I wanted to ask..."

"She was right about you," spat Kyle. "You insensitive ogre!" Kyle stood quickly and punched at Shrek's jaw, hitting the bone. Shrek, being an ogre, barely noticed, but Kyle was sent hopping off in pain, nursing his hand. "You have no idea!" he shouted.

"Now don't be like that," said Shrek, aware that the pub had silenced in order to fully take in this unexpected entertainment. "I just meant it must be nice, you know, to have more free time now that the nagging, whining firefly from hell had gone. And also," he started, but did not finish as Harold and Puss both jumped him, gagging him with paws and feet. Kyle signalled to Doris for his bill, paid it and drank a whiskey she offered him.

"Same time tomorrow Doris," he scowled, marching through the door.

"Nice one Shrek," said Harold. "Now what are we going to do?"

The song is "My Immortal" by Evanescence. It's always made me cry.