A lone figure watched as the last Fairy Godmother sign was removed from a roadside, the billboard silhouetted in the evening haze. The workmen allowed it to fall to the ground and it shattered, scattering dust. Finished for the evening, they started to pile the debris onto a cart. The cart was filled before the sign was cleared however, and they headed for the recycling mill leaving the remainder of the sign for collection in the morning – their need to return to the city before dark more pressing than the need to clear the roadside. The lone figure watched them go, then approached the debris cautiously. He ferreted around for a while amongst the wreckage before finding what he was looking for. He held a small piece of billboard in his right hand and used his left to clear some dust from the surface. He walked to the riverbank and sat down, reaching for a bottle of whiskey from his cloak. He sat down, staring at the image and occasionally swigging from the bottle. Finally, the whiskey finished, the figure rose to his feet, threw the bottle in the river and took one last look at the fragment in his hand. Placing the sign carefully on the bridge, arranging it so it caught the light, the figure stepped back and stroked the picture once with his right hand before crossing the bridge and heading into the Poisoned Apple pub.

The figure was, of course, Kyle and he had, of course, been watched all the while by Shrek, Donkey and Puss in Boots. Shrek walked forward and picked up the fragment of billboard. The fragment was a foot long, about half a foot wide and was decorated with a picture of the smiling face of the Fairy Godmother. Shrek called over his companions and replaced the sign.

"That's one lovesick chauffeur," said Shrek. "Do you really think he'll be able to tell us what Maria is like Puss?"

"Si, but we should tread carefully signor. The pain of grief is obviously unbearable for him at the moment and if he has learned her sister is here as well, he may act irrationally."

"Not to mention the fact you really ticked him off last night," added Donkey.

"Are we ready?" said Shrek, ignoring Donkey. "Puss?"

"Check!"

"Donkey?"

"Check? Shrek?"

"Check. Let's do this." The trio headed into the pub.

Kyle was back in his corner, drinking already. Shrek and Puss approached slowly. Shrek coughed politely and Kyle looked up, his eyes narrowing in anger.

"What do you want?"

"We were hoping you could give us some information about Fairy Godmother's sister, Maria," blurted out Puss, wishing to keep the conversation away from last night. Kyle shook his head sadly and looked down.

"Listen, about yesterday, I'm sorry about what I said," started Shrek.

"I suppose you are entitled to your view," sighed Kyle. "She did try repeatedly to destroy your marriage and then to kill you." As if coming to a decision, Kyle pushed his drink away from him and beckoned for the three to sit down. "What did you want to know and why?"

"Everything. As for why, Maria is in the castle at the moment talking with the king and queen about how to defeat a sorcerer called Simon," said Shrek.

"Simon's back?" exclaimed Kyle.

"Yeah – where have you been – at the bottom of a bottle for three weeks?" said Donkey.

"Yes, actually. You'd better make yourselves comfortable." Kyle sighed and settled back in his seat, taking out a pair of glasses from a pocket in his cloak and turning them over in his hands as he spoke. The trio watched him with a mix of pity and interest.

"Go on," said Shrek.

"Fifteen years ago, I was a silly eighteen-year-old just out of Duloc's butler college. I was expected to find employment with a rich family as a doorman, slowly rising through the ranks and eventually running a household. But then my parents died and I had nowhere to live. I was a mess – an emotional wreck. Living on the streets, I became more and more depressed. Then one day I bumped into Maria Fortuna – literally, it hurt. She had been gathering supplies in Duloc for the laboratory she worked in. She'd dropped some parcels when we collided, so to make it up to her I offered to carry them home. We chatted on the way about nothing much in particular – I found her a bit of an airhead to tell you the truth. She invited me in for a cup of tea. When we went inside, she suddenly became irritated by something and scowled."

"That something was her sister, Dama. Maria introduced her as the 'fat twin sister' and I remember Dama turning away to hide tears. She was much fatter than Maria, but still pretty. It was while I was comparing the two sisters – Dama had long lavender hair and it contrasted with Maria's – that I noticed Dama had wings. Maria must have noticed me staring at them, because she took that opportunity to remove her cloak and revealed her black wings. She told me they were fairies, aged over forty, who had always worked together making potions and the like. Maria spoke for hours and I did try to listen, but I was more interested in the quieter, more reserved Dama. Around four o'clock, we were interrupted by the arrival of a young lad of about eight."

"Prince Charming?" asked Shrek.

"Yes. When I asked Maria about him, she told me that Dama had been married to the king of Ubertowyn, over the mountain and that the boy was his. The king had been killed by his brother, who stole the throne, forcing Dama and her son to flee."

"So he's really a prince? I always thought that it was a fake title, you know, like Aseem or Ali," said Donkey.

"Dama fussed over that boy terribly. She was determined he would not be harmed, that he would always look his best and one day he would claim his throne back."

"Explains a lot," mumbled Puss.

"Charming left for dance class, so I took that as a good point to make my excuses and leave. As I did so, Maria pecked me on the cheek and asked me to come again. I can remember Dama watching the kiss, and the way Maria smirked victoriously at Dama as I left. It was all I could do not to run from that place. I thought I'd never go back, but I found I had to. Not when Maria was there of course – I dropped in to see Dama, offering to take Charming to school so that she would have more time for her work. From what I could see, Dama was involved with making potions and charms while Maria fetched and carried as little as possible. Maria once tried to impress me by making a paper bird out of a sheet of paper and making it sweep passed me using her wand. She couldn't do it, but Dama stood behind her and timed her spells with Maria's so that Maria would believe she was controlling the bird."

"There was always some tension between them, but all I could draw out of Dama was that years earlier, Maria had been in the control of some evil sorcerer that Dama had killed. Maria had been in love with the sorcerer and, even though she would admit he had hurt a lot of people, she had never really forgiven Dama for killing him. Not long after the bird incident, Maria and Dama had their last fight. Maria was jealous of the attention I was paying to Dama and Charming. She tried to kill Charming, but Dama overpowered her and threw her out of the cottage. From there, she went back to a cottage the two had owned near the sea. Dama asked if I was going to leave. Of course I couldn't – I was already more than half in love with Dama. I told her I'd help her rebuild her business."

"Within nine months, the Keebler Elves had sold Dama their factory, she had a staff of six hundred, not to mention the security guards, and she was amassing a small fortune. That was when she started to change – she became more confident, but also more manipulative when it came to her clients. Or perhaps that was a side of her I just hadn't seen before. When the king found out who she was, he appointed her the official Fairy Godmother of Far Far Away, based on some favour she'd done for him years earlier. She'd always granted a few wishes here and there, but now she was available through a calling card. She was obsessed with her work and never went home on time – almost neglecting Charming and leaving him in my care. I was told to groom him as a prince and that an agreement existed to marry him to Fiona, but nothing more. You know the rest."

"If you want to know which fairy was worse, it was most certainly Maria. Dama became lazy towards her work in later years and obsessed over her son – she would happily kill for him if necessary, as you saw. But Maria was always cruel and manipulative – many of the hopeless cases Dama was called to help had been cursed by Maria, including Fiona."

"What!" shouted Shrek, Puss and Donkey together.

"Maria had heard that Dama had helped King Harold when he fell for Lillian. She thought that she'd get her own back on Dama through Harold and cursed Fiona. Dama just used the opportunity to arrange the marriage to Charming."

"Is there any other way to fight Simon without Fairy Godmother?" asked Shrek.

"No. Many armies through the centuries turned to zombies in front of Simon."

"Centuries?" said Puss.

"He steals his victims' life force to extend his own life. Dama was your only hope."

"But she's dead," said Donkey. All four drinkers looked down at the glasses in Kyle's hand.

"Damn."

"Hell."

"Aren't we gonna tell the king he's let an evil sorcerer's girlfriend into his castle?" asked Donkey. Puss, Shrek and Kyle stared at this unusually sensible comment from the usually stupid Donkey. Shrek turned to Kyle.

"Come with us! We need your insight to help us save this kingdom."

"Why? This kingdom took the only woman I ever loved. Why should I help it now?"

"Because if you do not, signor, the sister she hated will rule this kingdom and destroy whatever good she did do for this kingdom." Puss drew his sword and saluted Kyle. "I swear to you signor, that if you help us we will destroy your lady's enemies." Kyle stood and ripped off a smart salute to Puss.

"How can I refuse a cat on a mission. Count me in – on one condition."

"Yes?" said Shrek.

"Take me somewhere I can have a bath and a haircut. And keep me out of sight of Maria – if she sees me, she'll suspect you're up to something."

"We'll keep you out of the castle – Lillian thinks Maria is spying on us there."

"She is good at mind tricks – she will have set up a spy network inside the castle by now."

"Shall we go?" asked Puss. The four stood and started to leave. Shrek stopped, pulled a card from his pocket and gave it to Kyle. It was the calling card Fairy Godmother had given to Fiona some months earlier. Kyle felt his eyes mist as he looked at the card.

"Thank-you," he whispered.