Chapter 8: Grief

Everyone was gathered at the Sully homestead after Elizabeth's funeral the next day. Holly and Mary were in town at the clinic, however, because Holly had a few bruised ribs and was in too much pain to get away.

Michaela's sisters were grieving, and so was Michaela, but Michaela seemed to draw away from everything. She was still being a mother to her children, but she seemed a bit disconnected from everything and everyone. When Sully would kiss her, she seemed to be in a completely different world, and he knew that her thoughts were racing with memories of her mother.

The boys were upstairs sleeping in their cradles while everyone else was gathered downstairs. Pup and Wolf had been let outside since there were guests and a lot of food in the house. Everyone was coming around giving the usual condolences presented to grieving loved ones. It seemed like everyone was going through the motions, but it didn't seem real.

Horace had stopped by, but he had gone into town early to spend time with Holly and Mary. Hank and Myra were sitting out on the porch of the homestead. The sadness inside of the house was getting to them both, and they needed some fresh air.

Sully found Michaela sitting at the window, staring outside at the trees, which were blowing in the wind. He made his way across the room while everyone spoke with Michaela's sisters and her father. They had all come to her to express their condolences, and now Michaela was soaking it all in silently.

"Hey," he whispered, handing her a cup of herbal tea. Michaela took it and stared down into it for a minute. "How are ya holdin' up?"

"How am I holding up?" Michaela asked, snapping her gaze to him. "My mother is dead, Sully. How do you think I'm holding up?" Sully swallowed the lump in his throat, and Michaela threw her hot cup of tea down. It shattered and steamed on the floor. Michaela burst into tears and everyone in the room stopped what they were doing. They turned to her and she rushed out of the homestead, down the porch, and toward the barn. Hank and Myra watched her running, and Hank stood up. Josef had started to get up, but Sully rushed out of the house and started after his wife. Outside, Myra took Hank's hand.

"Let's let them sort it out. She's in a lot of pain," she suggested. "Let's go back inside and give 'em some privacy." Myra and Hank entered the homestead.

"What's goin' on?" Brian asked.

"Let's just give your ma some time," Myra replied. "Everyone go back to your business." Everyone slowly resumed what they were doing, but the Sully children gathered at the window, but couldn't see anything. Michaela and Sully were obviously inside of the barn.

"Come on, children," Grace whispered, putting her hand on Colleen's back. "Let's go into the kitchen. There's a bunch of extra pie."

"I ain't hungry," Brian replied. "I miss grandma."

"Me too," Colleen replied. They walked off and Matthew sighed heavily.

"Feels like we're losin' everyone." He walked off to find Ingrid. Grace walked over to sit down at the kitchen table where Josef was sitting with his daughters.

"Father, why don't you come back to Boston with us?" Maureen suggested.

"My Elizabeth is here for eternity," Josef replied. "I'll stay here."

"Are you sure you won't consider?"

"I'm fine here," Josef insisted. "Thank you girls for worrying about me, but Elizabeth and I had many great years together. We'll be together again one day, I'm sure of it."

"Maybe they're right," Jake pointed out. "There ain't much here in Colorado Springs."

"I've got five grandchildren, all of which I want to get to know better. I've got my youngest daughter here." He looked at Marjorie, Rebecca, Claudette, and Maureen. "You're all grown and settled into your lives."

"So is Michaela," Rebecca said softly.

"I don't want to talk about it anymore. I want to stay in Colorado Springs, and that's that." Josef got up and walked out the back door to have a little time alone. Everyone was quiet, and Grace stood.

"Robert E. and I best be getting back into town." Everyone began to clear out with the exception of the Sully children and Michaela's sister. Colleen looked at Matthew and Brian.

"We better go check on the boys." They all made their way upstairs and into Michaela and Sully's room. Daniel and Connor were sleeping peacefully. Colleen sat down on the bed and her brothers sat down on either side of her.

"Ma's real sad," Brian said gently.

"She's sad like we were when our real ma died," Matthew replied quietly. "We gotta give her some time to get used to it."

"You think we should try to do somethin' to cheer her up?"

"I think we just gotta be on our best behavior," Colleen suggested. "Don't make anything to hard on her. She needs our support now."

"She and pa were both there for us when we needed 'em, so we gotta be there for her," Matthew concluded. Connor began to cry. Matthew rushed over to pick his little brother up. "You're Connor, right?" he asked.

"Yeah, that's Connor," Colleen responded. Matthew carried his brother back to the bed. He kissed the baby boy's forehead.

"Hey little brother," he whispered. "We gotta be good for ma and pa, alright? Ma really needs us now." Connor cooed and Matthew rocked him back and forth. Brian smiled, no longer feeling jealousy toward his little brother. Somehow, watching his mother go through a loss that he had gone through made him view things differently. He no longer saw his little brothers as a threat. Now they were just two innocent little babies who needed their ma as much as the next child.

"Can I hold him?" Brian asked.

"Sure," Matthew replied. He handed the fussy baby to Brian. Conner immediately stopped crying and closed his little eyes.

"How'd ya get him to stop?" Colleen asked, amazed.

"I guess it's just 'cause he knows I'll always help take care of him." Matthew and Colleen smiled at each other, watching their little brother with their baby brother. They knew now that Brian was going to make a great big brother, and jealousy was no longer a factor.

Michaela had managed to collapse in a fresh pile of hay. Sully was standing in the barn, not sure of what to say. He knew that words didn't always have to be spoken, so he was just going to be there for her and give her whatever she needed. He walked over to sit down in the pile beside Michaela. She had straw in her hair, and he gently removed it with his fingers. Michaela looked up at him, her eyes red from crying so much.

"Oh Sully, I'm sorry for the way I acted."

"There ain't nothin' to be sorry about. You're grievin'," he explained. "Ya don't gotta make excuses right now. No harm came, except maybe to that tea cup." Michaela looked away.

"I'd just like to be alone right now."
"Bein' alone ain't gonna fix everything, Michaela. I want to help you."

"I'm fine. I don't need help right now."

"Please don't try to be strong and independent on this one. It's hard to go through it alone. If I had had someone to help me when Abagail had died, I probably would have healed a little faster."

"You think I'm going to heal over this? I'm never going to get to see my mother again."

"But there wasn't anything you coulda done."

"Maybe there was. Maybe I wasn't fast enough."

"Your ma would have appreciated you tryin' to save her life. But it was just her time, and ya can't fix that now."

"Maybe I could have! I'm a doctor, and it's my job to save people when they need me!"

"Even your pa said there was no way anyone coulda saved her," Sully whispered. "Ya can't play God all the time. Ya can't bring her back, so don't go frettin'."

"I can fret all I want. She was my mother!"

"I know. I'm sorry," Sully whispered. "I didn't mean it like that."

"Just leave me alone."

"You shouldn't be alone right now."
"Please see my sisters home. I'll be along in awhile," Michaela replied.

"Alright," Sully replied, rubbing Michaela's back a little. "Don't be too long. It's getting chilly outside." He kissed her cheek and left the barn reluctantly, letting Michaela spend a little time alone.

By late October, things were seemingly back to normal in town. Holly was still teaching, and Mike and Collin no longer attended classes. Mike and his mother had moved to Denver while Collin's father thought it best that he go to live with his aunt in San Francisco. Mary was doing much better, and though there was an occasional problem, she had made several friends at school. Holly and Horace were still courting, but Horace had been acting quite strange. Holly didn't know it, but he was contemplating marriage.

Josef was no longer working at the clinic, and the problem was that Michaela still wasn't feeling up to it. The twins were over a month old, and Michaela would use the excuse that she was still tired, which was true, but she was more than able to go back to work. Luckily nobody was seriously ill, but Jake was taking over when it came to suturing wounds, but he took extra care to go to the clinic and use the necessary disinfectants and sutures.

Michaela had begun to draw away from everyone, including Sully. She didn't know it, but Sully would wake to hear his wife crying at night. She made time to spend with her family, but she wasn't the same as she once was. Since her mother died, she had become quite the recluse, not wanting to see any visitors or go into town. Sully was worried about her, because she was quiet and never spoke her mind anymore. When her father and sisters would come to visit, she would be polite, but her end of the conversations were always thin and weak.

The children were at school, and Sully was in town having Robert E. sharpen his tomahawk. He looked around and realized that it was nearly time for school to let out.

"I gotta go tell the kids to wait for me. We'll ride home together."

"Alright," Robert E. replied. "I'll have this done for ya by the time ya get back."

"Thanks." Sully started off toward the schoolyard. He saw the school children leaving, and he figured Holly had let them out early. At that moment, he saw Colleen run out of the school and toward the clinic. She was running to seek solace there. Sully then saw Colleen's friend Becky running after her, but a boy of their age stopped her, taking her hand. Sully decided that Michaela would talk to her, but since Michaela wasn't there right now, he figured he'd take a stab at a father-daughter talk.

When he entered the clinic, he saw her leaning against the exam table, sobbing heavily. He closed the door and she whisked around to see who was there.

"Pa, what are you doin' here?" she asked, trying to dry her tears.

"I saw ya runnin' over here. I came to see what's wrong."

"I'm fine," she insisted.

"Ya don't look fine to me."

"Allergies."

"You don't have allergies," Sully pointed out. Colleen sighed heavily. "I saw Becky start to run after ya. Did ya get into a fight?"

"No," Colleen replied. She began to cry again.

"What is it? You can tell me, Colleen."

"It's embarrassin'!" she exclaimed.

"Well, I'll listen if ya wanna tell me." Colleen took a deep breath, realizing that it wasn't going to do her any good to keep everything bottled up inside.

"There's this boy in my class, and I really like him. But I found out a while ago that he likes Becky. She likes him too. I was lookin' out the back window after class and saw 'em kissin'. They saw me and I ran off."

"You were spyin' on 'em?" Colleen felt her cheeks flush red. She looked away.

"Just leave me alone. I don't wanna talk about it." She turned away from him. Sully decided that Michaela might be able to help Colleen with this. Maybe that would help Michaela come out of her own dark state right now.

"Alright, well, I'm here to talk if ya need me. I'm gonna go find your brothers, and we're gonna head home."

"I'll be out in a minute," Colleen promised. Sully sighed and started out of the clinic. Brian came running up to the porch with his hands full of gumdrops from Mr. Bray's store.

"Hey pa!" Brian exclaimed, nearly knocking his father over.

"Hey Brian. You ready to go home?"

"Yup."

"Where's your brother?"

"Where he usually goes after school. The immigrant camp, talkin' to Ingrid."

"Alright. We'll give him a few minutes. Let's go pick up somethin' for your ma at Grace's."

"Kay," Brian replied. He and Sully started down the road toward the café.

Matthew greeted his favorite girl as soon as he found her at the camp.

"Matthew!" she exclaimed, happy to see him. Her accent seemed to fade by the week. Matthew could finally understand most of what she said, and that was a good sign.

"Ya wanna go for a picnic?"
"I can't," Ingrid replied.

"Why not?" Matthew asked with disappointment in his voice.

"My youngest sister Anna is sick. I take care of her."

"Can't your brother do that?"

"He work the fields for money."

"Maybe I can go get my ma. She can take a look at Anna."

"She'll be fine. Her fever broke this morning. She is resting now." Matthew nodded.

"Alright," he replied. He took Ingrid's hand. "I need to talk to ya though."

"What about?" Matthew took his hat off and ran his fingers through his hair like he usually did when he was nervous. "I know I told ya I wanna marry ya soon. I still want to."

"Yes?"

"I think maybe it's best we wait awhile. That's what my ma wants. She wants us both to wait because she thinks we're too young."

"We are very young," Ingrid agreed.

"I think we should wait too. Ma's been goin' through a lot, and I don't wanna upset her anymore. So, maybe if we hold off on talkin' 'bout marriage for a little while, she'll have time to get used to all the changes goin' on. Maybe then she'll be ready to accept it."

"You will go to college, no?"

"I don't know. Ma wants me to. I ain't sure yet."

"You do what make you happy," Ingrid urged. "I will wait to be your wife as long as you are happy." Matthew kissed Ingrid gently and pulled her into a hug. "You should go. Your family need you. I need to be with Anna now."

"Alright. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"We will have a picnic," Ingrid promised. Matthew grinned at her, kissed her again, and left to find his brother and sister.

The children were downstairs helping out by starting dinner. Sully walked up the stairs to check on his wife and newborn sons. When he walked into the room, he found Michaela sitting in the rocking chair beside the window. The boys were sleeping in their cradles, and from the way Michaela was sitting with her head leaning back, she looked as if she was asleep, but she wasn't. She was staring out of the window, deep in thought. She hadn't even heard her husband walk in.

"Michaela?" he asked. Michaela looked over at Sully, not at all surprised by his presence.

"Hello," she said with a smile.

"How are ya feelin'?"

"Better," she replied. She didn't look better. "How is everything in town?"

"Everyone is doin' fine. They miss ya." Michaela looked away. "I saw your pa today. And your sisters."

"How are they?"

"Your pa is really missin' your ma, and so are your sisters, but they're getting along."

"That's good."

"Your sisters are leavin' in a week for Boston. Maybe you'll wanna spend some time with 'em."

"If I have time."

"Michaela, ya got a lot of time on your hands. You're stayin' home with the boys."

"They're a lot of work," Michaela insisted.

"They're sleepin' now," Sully replied gently. Michaela stood and Sully realized for the first time that she was still in her nightgown. "Michaela, this ain't healthy. You can't shut yourself up like this, and you can't shut the people who love ya out of your life."

"That's not what I'm doing."

"It is," Sully insisted. "You can't keep pushing us away."

"I'm not pushing you away!" Michaela exclaimed. She looked into Sully's eyes, her eyes starting to tear up. "I love you and the children. I love my father and sisters. I loved my mother too! Is it so wrong for me to grieve over my mother?"

"No!" Sully replied. "It ain't wrong to grieve, but it ain't right to shut yourself up in the house and stay in your night clothes all day. You're healthy and beautiful. Ya shouldn't be wastin' your time locked up in the house. You should go back to work."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not ready yet."

"Michaela, there are gonna be folks who need ya. Your pa ain't workin' in town no more, and Jake is the one that's fixin' folks up. He's usin' your clinic, but he ain't no doctor." Michaela sighed and saw how worried her husband was about her. He was amazing and so very patient. She couldn't believe how horrible she had been to him. She loved him, but she wasn't being patient with him. He wanted her to get on with her life, but she was so caught up on how suddenly her mother had passed. It wasn't easy to get over, but she knew she had to move on.

"I'm so sorry, Sully," she whispered. "I'm sorry." She began to cry again and Sully pulled her close. "I feel like my mother's death is pulling me down into some black hole."

"Ya gotta have the strength to pull yourself out," he replied. "I'll help you if you want me to." Michaela nodded. She gave Sully a kiss on the cheek.

"I think you're right. It's time for me to go back to work. I need to accept what happened. I do know now that I couldn't have done anything about it. I just need time to . . . to get used to all of the changes."

"I know."

"I'm going to get dressed. Why don't you go downstairs and I'll join you in a few minutes?"

"You okay?"

"Mhm," Michaela replied. She gave him a confident smile, and Sully kissed her hand.

"Okay. Don't be too long."

"I won't." Sully left, hoping that Michaela was going to be able to go back to work with no problems. He did know that he was going to do his best to help her out when she needed him. She was hurting a lot right now emotionally, and the least he could do right now was make everything else a little easier.