Days Of Our Lies

Episode 2: Happily Ever After.....Or Is It???

The pink thong was seen by all at the dinner party, along with many others (although how they saw it is as yet unclear). Shona was devastated when she saw this pink thong in all its glory as it was the one she had presented to Transy-boy but obviously he'd been having an illicit affair with Tuxedo Mask.

As Moonlight Knight had his first-ever orgasm, Ash burst into tears, as she felt that this was the appropriate thing to do, although it blatantly wasn't, whilst Priyanka, wearing a top that thrust her 34B (not 32A) boobs in everyone's faces, ogled at him with her mouth wide open, into which a fly (who was secretly a person in disguise) flew into. She ran round the room attempting to scream, which admittedly is difficult with a fly in your mouth, ultimately running to find Pratner, but much to her distress Pratner was giving some to a yellow rubber ducky, which was actually Ash in disguise. Priyanka couldn't believe her eyes, as in front of them, Pratner slowly transformed into Niki.

He-who-never-texts-back was intrigued, as he had always wanted to be able to transform himself into a yellow rubber ducky. So intrigued was he, that for the first time since September, he picked up his texting machine fone thing whatever, and texted Teju who was unfortunately in the middle of eating strawberries and cream from the back of Matt Holt, who was secretly Faramir and Boromir at the same time. All of a sudden, a face appeared at the window. It terrified people. It terrified people so much that the chaos that ensued was not started for once by Teju or Shona!!! many shocked gasps Suddenly the room went black, all that could be seen was the white face moving across the room, (apart from the pink thong that was still creating a small halo of light around tuxedo mask), suddenly, the lights were back on and everyone reeled in shock as all that could be seen was armpit the rapist dead in the middle of the room holding only a bloody dildo that was obviously used to kill him with.

Teju turned to look at the real Pratner in fury, as she blatantly knew he was the one who used the dildo to kill armpit the rapist, and she also knew that the death had been accidental, out of pleasure, in fact. However, she couldn't look at Pratner in supposed fury (but actual lust) for long, as they were rudely interrupted by Tapp-boy, who was being raped by the ghost of Armpit the Rapist.

Suddenly, Shona was distracted by the heavenly sight of Radish in some sunglasses (along with some clothes as well, unfortunately for her). As she gawped at him most unromantically and slightly stalker-like-ly with drool dripping down on to the short head of armpit the rapist who was lying dead below she saw the fine figure of Transy boy approach Radish Man, obviously empathising, having already fallen victim to the obsessional compulsional disorder of Shona.

Suddenly, the focus is shifted onto Teju, who was at this moment, standing next to Pratner and He-Who-Never-Texts-Back, trying to convince them to have a three-some with her (not foursome, big G), although they were much more interested in a more intimate, twosome relationship. Shona was still distracted by Radish and Transy-Boy. Images of 11-somes previously created by her and Teju flashed before her eyes. Teju was getting majorly jealous of Pratner referring to Shona as his lovely, mostly because Shona was HER lovely! Shona was insulted at Pratner referring to her as lovely, because of the evident implied sarcasm and lack of wit that was involved in the said statement. Teju was hers and Pratner was not gonna take that away fuck him. Shona's warped brain might have thought this, but it was clear that Pratner wanted her. And her only. Along with Shubha, and Ash, and Abi and Taz and Fat and Radish. Who are all lovely and beautiful people.

Shona decided to escape from Teju's warped mind. In which all of this takes place. She follows the exit signs, and 2 hours later, finds herself where she first started from. Greatly irate, she decided to jump out of the window, and miraculously finds the exit. Along with Radish to catch her. Wearing a black tuxedo and sunglasses that make her gasp and virtually have an orgasm there and then. He gives her rose, calling her mademoiselle, as he sets her gently onto the ground and kisses her right hand. He then picks up her left hand, and kissing it, manages to put an engagement ring onto it. Teju is grinning broadly from the window that Shona fell out of. Her plan worked. Now she could finally shag Steve, as he was to be the best man (obviously) and she herself was to be the Maid of Honour.

Radish sweeps Shona off her feet once again, places her gently (as he is very considerate and protective of Shona's delicate skin) on a random white horse that appeared there. They ran to their magic castle from fairy tales (in Selby), where they found Pixie (the bitch) cleaning the floor. Steve had left her, she said. Left her for good. He'd gone and she knew not where. All she did was cry pathetically all day at the fact that she could no longer manipulate him into her every whim. Yet where was this Steve? No one knew.

As Teju stood back from the window, she turned and saw Pratner gazing at her, he'd walked into the room and couldn't take his eyes off from hers. He walked up to her and put his arms around her and as he stared into those deep soulful eyes, and begged for her forgiveness for getting off with the yellow rubber ducky, Steve came in through the window. Yes, Teju admitted, it was perhaps too late, Pratner. Steve went down on one knee and gazed up at Teju knowing that she was his one and only . Pixie had ceased to mean anything to him from the day of the wedding which he would always remember as the day that he first set eyes on the wonder and beauty that he now held before him. Pratner had had no idea what he'd be losing in shunning Teju for the rubber ducky, yet as Steve was on his knees, Pratner fully realised how much was his love for her, and pulled her back. He told her that he'd found Steph in Tescos and killed her, such was his hate for the slut that had attempted to manipulate Adam. As Teju stood there between Steve and Pratner, she knew that there was no one for her but He-who-never-answers- text-messages. All of a sudden, He-Who-Never-Texts-Back, came into the room riding on his fine horse (aka Transy boy) and swept Trina off her feet, to ultimately live happily ever after in the Republic of Chad. Steve fell out the window but Pratner was left to die alone. In sorrow. In the rain. Thinking only of the pain. And the unrequited love. And the loss that was his life.

And suddenly, all of this disappears as some screams are heard. He-Who-Never-Texts-Back has finally woken up from his terrible nightmare. As he turns around in his bed, he is shocked by the person he is lying naked next to. To his utmost horror, he has cheated on his one and only love, Transy Boy with.........

Find out next time in Days Of Our Lies.

Writers/Producers/Playboy Models/etc.: Teju Kumar and Shona Sahay