Days Of Our Lies
Episode 3: The Phantom Rapist
Teju managed to stalk her way into where He-Who-Never-Texts-Back had been sleeping to find the Almighty Never-texts-back throwing up in the toilet, A LOT! He was shocked and scandalised by himself. And even more shocked and scandalised by the fact that he was shocked and scandalised by himself. Teju was greatly amused.
She approached him after he had finally been selfless enough to stop selfishly throwing up and acknowledge her presence. Unlike certain selfish, Mother-fucking arse-less twat arseholes! It was then that she condescended to speak to him, in fact, it was more yelling at him, except one does not think that He-Who-Never-Texts-Back could hear her because of the atmospheric interferences due to the difference in stature. This seemed to dear Teju, very reminiscent of a certain other time talking/yelling at Transy Boy, and it was this, that made her question where said Transy Boy was.
It was then that she skulked her way into the bedroom where an awful, awful, dreadful sight met her gaze. Lying there in the bed was NOT Transy-Boy. (gasp!) It was someone ELSE naked, in the bed, where Bunty had been sleeping naked. Teju finally realised, about four hours later, that Bunty had cheated on Transy Boy, his one true gay love, with none other than....
Shona entered the room, squealing, because she had seen a dragonfly. Nobody questioned where she had come from, or how she had managed to enter the house without much ado. So, a pretty picture (with the exception of Bunty with traces of sick still around him) presented itself to the onlooker.
After she managed to convince Teju to scream in her almighty shrill voice, in order to scare away the evil dragonfly, she decided to use Bunty and his sick, to chase away the ghost of Armpit the Rapist, who had appeared to do nothing but rape herm as Teju had been warning her for some time, in a languid voice.
Yet when Armpit the Rapist finally made his next guest appearance, it was soon evident to all that (sadly) Shona was evidently not the object of his lust, this highly esteemed position being held instead by......DUCKFACE! YES! HE WAS BACK!! Teju gasped!
But unlike Shona, it was not a gasp of pleasure. More a gasp of pain, due to the fact that she had just stubbed her toe against the bed post, like one of the boys did in one of the Enid Blyton books. After much yowling in pain, she finally stopped and it was at this time that she noticed the presence of YELLOW RUBBER DUCKIE! Highly incensed with him, because he was BLATANTLY here for Armpit the rapist, she scowled at him, and after pretending to be drunk, slapped him. At this point, her fone went off... it was a text msg...she opened it up...
The entire room fell into shocked silence as slowly, it unfolded that the sender of said message was none other than He-who-never-texts-back!!! What could this mean? Everything that Teju and Shona had believed in seemed to be on the verge of being proved a lie....
Until they realised that the phone of He-Who-Never-Texts-Back had actually been stolen by the one, the only, MEENA, who now made her entrance on an unsuspecting audience, namely Teju. Rubber Duckie was overjoyed to find his one true love finally enter this warped programme.
Yet this joy was soon to be quashed when out of the darkness in the doorway, emerged, on Meena's arm, none other than TRANSY BOY! He-who-never-texts back looked as though he would cry. Everyone was horrified at the emergence of this couple. And Shona and teju were howling away at the apparent break of the one couple they had relied on to be forever together. They shocked, scandalised even!
That is, they were, until they saw Noddy following behind with a samurai sword that was actually a meter ruler from Teju's Chemistry class. Upon espying this item, Transy boy felt moved to comment "Ooo...is that a sword..? Or are u just pleased to see me..?" leading one and all to wonder as to the true meaning of this statement.
Bunty, forgotten by all and still partially covered by his sick (at least it wasn't some else's, Teju said when he began to moan to her) beagn to be annoyed at the lack of attention that was being paid to him. So using his non-texting-only-calling-phone, one of its kind, he called Mickey, to bring some more alcohol, so that he could throw up again, so that he could gain the sympathy of Teju once more.
Mickey entered brandishing not only much booze, but also much cigarettes, much to Shona's surprise. In fact she was so surprised that she stepped back onto Transy boy who in turn knocked over Meena, who in turn knocked over Teju who in turn knocked over...Abhishek! Abhishek had entered singing loudly the Harry Potter theme tune, much to the disturbance of He-who-never-texts-back, who felt quite threatened by afore mentioned humming...
At this point, for some imexplicable reason, one and all turned to the bed of fair He-Who-Never-Texts-Back, to notice a strange person lying in it. Moreover, it was not a strange person that was Transy-Boy! How could this be? How could this horror take place? All were shocked or appalled. Some, indeed, were both. And at this very memorable point, Transy-Boy's innocent and chaste granddad walked in, to find the person still lying naked on the bed. Yes, lying ON the bed, not beneath the covers! The shame of it all! His dada turned slowly round to Bunty, and opened his mouth to speak.....
Find out next time, on Days of our Lies!
The supreme dictators of this mutilated world: Shona Sahay and Teju Kumar