Chapter Two
"Harold Zidler," typed Christian, "and his infamous hookers. The Diamond Dogs."
~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~
They entered the hall to loud music. Zidler began to sing.
"If you are a DV
And you've never yet met me
Or had sex for cash or free
I've just the whore for you
And though boasting's for fools
At the Moulin Rouge, you'll get laid!
So scratch that evil itch
Get yourself a bitch
For money you can
Feel Lady Marmalade
Because we can can-can
But you can't, can't, can't
So heeheehee!"
The men began to sing.
"Here we are now
Come sleep with us
We are horny
And prosperous!"
Zidler continued, evil in his clown-style makeup.
"If you've got some dark secret
You've never yet had 'it'
You can do it here
There's nothing to fear!
Because we can can-can
But you can't can't can't
So heeheehee
We can cancan!
Outside you may be minging
But in here you're simply blinging!
If you love love love
To get laid laid laid
We are yours if you have paid!
Because we can cancan
But you can't can't can't
So heeheehee!
Outside you may be tragic
But in here we think you're magic!"
Here followed many choruses of "Because we can cancan!" until eventually Christian could take no more and hollered, "Because it's good to get laid!" before the Bohemians could drag him to a table.
"We successfully evaded Zidler," whispered Toulouse.
Suddenly silence fell. A silver spotlight appeared. Silver glitter fell from the ceiling. The dirty old men looked up and yelled as the glitter fell, stinging into their eyes.
A woman slowly descended form the ceiling on a trapeze.
"It's her!" Toulouse hissed piercingly. "the Diamond Geezer!"
~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~
Christian's hand shook as he typed, although that could have been because the green fairy had just hiccupped right next to his ear. "But someone else was to sleep with Satine that night. Zidler's investor." He paused dramatically. In the ensuing silence, the fairy burped. He glared at her. "The Duke."
~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~
As Satine sang, Christian drooled. Every desperate virgin needs a crazy crack whore, and he had just found his.
He was blissfully unaware of the exchange taking place between Satine and Zidler on his left.
"Is the Duke here, Harold?" asked Satine, waving an odd piece of random material for no apparent reason.
"My little German darling, would Daddy let you down?" smeared Zidler.
Toulouse had just, in fact, spilt his drink all over said Duke. "Tewibly sowwy!" he lisped, shaking a handkerchief erratically.
"Where is he?" Satine questioned Harold, dancing around him in a random manner.
"He's the one Toulouse is shaking his, um."
"Harold!" Satine said, shocked. "This is PG-13!"
".hanky at. Why, darling, did you think I was going to say something else?"
Satine glared to where Toulouse had, of course, begun for some odd reason to shake a hanky at Christian in a vaguely threatening manner.
"Are you sure? He looks awfully like an alcoholic, impoverished, strange dude with only one name." She paused for a second. "Oh."
"That's the one, main hummus ingredient," Zidler oozed. "I just hope that demonic man on his knees I wasn't supposed to see arrive doesn't scare his moustache away."
Satine and Zidler ducked behind several headless can-can dancers' skirts to get changed.
"Will he invest?" Satine asked eagerly.
"Bird classed as vermin!" Harold replied. "After spending the night with you, how could he do that?"
"What's his type?" asked Satine. "Shy first-time prostitute, cheap hooker, or crazy crack whore?" Each one had a different random sound effect.
"I'd say.cheap hooker." Zidler smiled. "We're all relying on you, young honking animal! Remember, a real toaster, with real bread, and you'll have."
".*real butter*." Satine sighed before jumping out of the skirts and singing the final lines of her song whilst shimmying over to Christian.
"I believe you were expecting to sleep with me?" she asked.
"Yes.yes." he muttered in his DV-ish way.
"I'm afraid it's hooker's choice!" she said, reaching out an arm to him.
Suddenly, her thong went a little too far. She squealed and waved her dress from side to side trying to dislodge it, but to no avail. Desperately, she moved backwards until she managed to dislodge it with no-one but Christian noticing.
They began to dance, Satine squealing randomly at odd intervals and Christian moving slowly round in a doped up kinda way.
Various people made random comments.
"It's so nice of you to take an interest in our little show," Satine said.
"I'd be delighted to be involved, assuming you like my poetry of course," Christian replied. He had no trouble at all dancing to something he didn't know whilst having a conversation with a crazy crack whore.
"I'm sure I will," Satine answered in a seductive way.
"Toulouse thought we might be able to do it in private," Christian added.
"Did he," Satine said, wondering what business it was of the pissed dwarf anyway.
"Yes, although you know I normally have more than one person at a time, even whole audiences sometimes, but then I need preparations and I prefer to do just what feels right."
"Oh, I love a little poetry after supper. Or before breakfast, after breakfast, before lunch.any time of day really." She left, laughing in a way that made Christian feel there was an alternative meaning he wasn't quite getting.
Sometimes random instincts are spot on.
"Hang on to your hats!" she yelled, kicking a leg. Everyone in the hall immediately threw their hats in the air.
*You would've thought they'd've got it by now,* Satine thought. *Hang on to your hats means just that.*
She began to sing again, then on the final word, despite having shown no symptoms beforehand, she fell, to be caught by the one person who bothered to step forward and actually try to catch the star of the Moulin Rouge.
Jealousy among prostitutes is not a good thing.
The men began to cry "Pizza, pizza!" (Well, after all that dancing, they were hungry.)
"Don't know that Duke's gonna get his money's worth tonight," said NiNi, the Dog Whore.
"I know, she's proper out of it, the little bitch," FatWhore replied.
"You frightened her away." Zidler oozed to the men in the other room. "But there are lots more hookers!" Music began to play.
"That's OK, then!" Christian leapt up and began to dance. Badly.
In the other room, BettyWhore came in to examine Satine. She shook something smelly under her nose to wake her up. It just happened to be Zidler's jacket.
"Oh, BettyWhore." mumbled Satine, thoroughly revolted. "Oh, these crappy costumes."
There was a random conversation between BettyWhore and an odd red-faced man.
Satine coughed up some blood, managing beyond the realms of modern dentistry not to stain her teeth.
A/N: Because everyone knows blood stains teeth, right? (Psychopathic smile)
Anyway, thanks y'all for reading the first chappie, and all you kind reviewy peeps, thank you even more!
This ones a little odd, with excessive use of the word random. But then I did spend half an hour today listening to a lad I know singing "I could flirt with all the guys, smile at them and bat my eyes."
Its just been one of those days.
Anyway, reviews are welcome : ) Also, keep up the "Do You Know A Bad-Haired Alex?" campaign. Everyone knows at least one, I'm sure of it.
Oh yeah, I apologise to all Alexs. Sorry, y'all. But if your hairdresser is mysteriously booked up every time you want to make an appointment, now you know why.
"Harold Zidler," typed Christian, "and his infamous hookers. The Diamond Dogs."
~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~
They entered the hall to loud music. Zidler began to sing.
"If you are a DV
And you've never yet met me
Or had sex for cash or free
I've just the whore for you
And though boasting's for fools
At the Moulin Rouge, you'll get laid!
So scratch that evil itch
Get yourself a bitch
For money you can
Feel Lady Marmalade
Because we can can-can
But you can't, can't, can't
So heeheehee!"
The men began to sing.
"Here we are now
Come sleep with us
We are horny
And prosperous!"
Zidler continued, evil in his clown-style makeup.
"If you've got some dark secret
You've never yet had 'it'
You can do it here
There's nothing to fear!
Because we can can-can
But you can't can't can't
So heeheehee
We can cancan!
Outside you may be minging
But in here you're simply blinging!
If you love love love
To get laid laid laid
We are yours if you have paid!
Because we can cancan
But you can't can't can't
So heeheehee!
Outside you may be tragic
But in here we think you're magic!"
Here followed many choruses of "Because we can cancan!" until eventually Christian could take no more and hollered, "Because it's good to get laid!" before the Bohemians could drag him to a table.
"We successfully evaded Zidler," whispered Toulouse.
Suddenly silence fell. A silver spotlight appeared. Silver glitter fell from the ceiling. The dirty old men looked up and yelled as the glitter fell, stinging into their eyes.
A woman slowly descended form the ceiling on a trapeze.
"It's her!" Toulouse hissed piercingly. "the Diamond Geezer!"
~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~
Christian's hand shook as he typed, although that could have been because the green fairy had just hiccupped right next to his ear. "But someone else was to sleep with Satine that night. Zidler's investor." He paused dramatically. In the ensuing silence, the fairy burped. He glared at her. "The Duke."
~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~
As Satine sang, Christian drooled. Every desperate virgin needs a crazy crack whore, and he had just found his.
He was blissfully unaware of the exchange taking place between Satine and Zidler on his left.
"Is the Duke here, Harold?" asked Satine, waving an odd piece of random material for no apparent reason.
"My little German darling, would Daddy let you down?" smeared Zidler.
Toulouse had just, in fact, spilt his drink all over said Duke. "Tewibly sowwy!" he lisped, shaking a handkerchief erratically.
"Where is he?" Satine questioned Harold, dancing around him in a random manner.
"He's the one Toulouse is shaking his, um."
"Harold!" Satine said, shocked. "This is PG-13!"
".hanky at. Why, darling, did you think I was going to say something else?"
Satine glared to where Toulouse had, of course, begun for some odd reason to shake a hanky at Christian in a vaguely threatening manner.
"Are you sure? He looks awfully like an alcoholic, impoverished, strange dude with only one name." She paused for a second. "Oh."
"That's the one, main hummus ingredient," Zidler oozed. "I just hope that demonic man on his knees I wasn't supposed to see arrive doesn't scare his moustache away."
Satine and Zidler ducked behind several headless can-can dancers' skirts to get changed.
"Will he invest?" Satine asked eagerly.
"Bird classed as vermin!" Harold replied. "After spending the night with you, how could he do that?"
"What's his type?" asked Satine. "Shy first-time prostitute, cheap hooker, or crazy crack whore?" Each one had a different random sound effect.
"I'd say.cheap hooker." Zidler smiled. "We're all relying on you, young honking animal! Remember, a real toaster, with real bread, and you'll have."
".*real butter*." Satine sighed before jumping out of the skirts and singing the final lines of her song whilst shimmying over to Christian.
"I believe you were expecting to sleep with me?" she asked.
"Yes.yes." he muttered in his DV-ish way.
"I'm afraid it's hooker's choice!" she said, reaching out an arm to him.
Suddenly, her thong went a little too far. She squealed and waved her dress from side to side trying to dislodge it, but to no avail. Desperately, she moved backwards until she managed to dislodge it with no-one but Christian noticing.
They began to dance, Satine squealing randomly at odd intervals and Christian moving slowly round in a doped up kinda way.
Various people made random comments.
"It's so nice of you to take an interest in our little show," Satine said.
"I'd be delighted to be involved, assuming you like my poetry of course," Christian replied. He had no trouble at all dancing to something he didn't know whilst having a conversation with a crazy crack whore.
"I'm sure I will," Satine answered in a seductive way.
"Toulouse thought we might be able to do it in private," Christian added.
"Did he," Satine said, wondering what business it was of the pissed dwarf anyway.
"Yes, although you know I normally have more than one person at a time, even whole audiences sometimes, but then I need preparations and I prefer to do just what feels right."
"Oh, I love a little poetry after supper. Or before breakfast, after breakfast, before lunch.any time of day really." She left, laughing in a way that made Christian feel there was an alternative meaning he wasn't quite getting.
Sometimes random instincts are spot on.
"Hang on to your hats!" she yelled, kicking a leg. Everyone in the hall immediately threw their hats in the air.
*You would've thought they'd've got it by now,* Satine thought. *Hang on to your hats means just that.*
She began to sing again, then on the final word, despite having shown no symptoms beforehand, she fell, to be caught by the one person who bothered to step forward and actually try to catch the star of the Moulin Rouge.
Jealousy among prostitutes is not a good thing.
The men began to cry "Pizza, pizza!" (Well, after all that dancing, they were hungry.)
"Don't know that Duke's gonna get his money's worth tonight," said NiNi, the Dog Whore.
"I know, she's proper out of it, the little bitch," FatWhore replied.
"You frightened her away." Zidler oozed to the men in the other room. "But there are lots more hookers!" Music began to play.
"That's OK, then!" Christian leapt up and began to dance. Badly.
In the other room, BettyWhore came in to examine Satine. She shook something smelly under her nose to wake her up. It just happened to be Zidler's jacket.
"Oh, BettyWhore." mumbled Satine, thoroughly revolted. "Oh, these crappy costumes."
There was a random conversation between BettyWhore and an odd red-faced man.
Satine coughed up some blood, managing beyond the realms of modern dentistry not to stain her teeth.
A/N: Because everyone knows blood stains teeth, right? (Psychopathic smile)
Anyway, thanks y'all for reading the first chappie, and all you kind reviewy peeps, thank you even more!
This ones a little odd, with excessive use of the word random. But then I did spend half an hour today listening to a lad I know singing "I could flirt with all the guys, smile at them and bat my eyes."
Its just been one of those days.
Anyway, reviews are welcome : ) Also, keep up the "Do You Know A Bad-Haired Alex?" campaign. Everyone knows at least one, I'm sure of it.
Oh yeah, I apologise to all Alexs. Sorry, y'all. But if your hairdresser is mysteriously booked up every time you want to make an appointment, now you know why.