Disclaimer: Saiyuki does not belong to me. It will never belong to me. Never.
Sorry this took sooooo long. But my life had been quite heretic lately… urgh… headache…
Note: this chapter took place a few weeks after the last chapter…
-Chapter 4-
Repentance
The sand dunes stretches out as far as the eye could see and even further. There was no life on the barren wasteland, except for the occasional life shrub. And even then, only the strongest that had survived through the callous climate was allowed to live a dreary live. Nature sometime are cruel, as was the fate that binds him now.
Goku breathed in, as an injured figure staggered on the torrid earth. The man's blond hair shimmered in the cruel sunbeam, his deathly pale colored skin gave the impression of being more dead than alive. Goku blinked. The image vanished… as it had every time before. It was just a mirage. He knew that. He had asked Hakkai about it when he had saw the hallucination for the first time. But still, he could not help but felt depressed over the stupid illusions.
He scowled in frustration and turned his head up to stare at the sky, he needs something - anything - to get his mind of the thought. But being this far out in the dessert, there was not even a single wisp of cloud to obscure the intense sun's ray.
Empty…
So empty…
He hate the feeling and it had first hit him when they had found Sanzo…no, not Sanzo just sign of him; they had found clues of a severe battle and lots of blood just outside of the town, near a riverbank. And even more disconcerting – a bloodstained Smith & Wesson gun…
If I hadn't met Sanzo…
I wouldn't have known him…
And this pain to lose someone important.
He shook out of his thought as Hakkai stepped on the break.
"Well, we're finally here."
Here?
He looked around, surprised. The never ending dessert that he had thought was now replaced by rows and rows of buildings. Dozens of stalls were line up along the walls of the building and people littered the street trying to get through the massive crowd.
"I can't wait to have some nice beer and beautiful women with me…" Goyjo said, climbing off the jeep and headed to one of the building with the sign "Hotel", accompanied close by a tired looking Hakkai.
Goku jumped out of the jeep and rushed to them. "Hey! Wait! We're stopping?!"
"Yup…" Goyjo replied simple.
"But we can't stop! Sanzo is still missing!"
"But Goku, Hakuryu is tired and so are all of us. Its best we stay here for a day or two then we can continue our journey. Okay?" Hakkai tried to reason.
"But Sanzo…"
"Now it wouldn't do him any good if we found him but are too tired to rescue him. Right?"
For a minute Goku looked as if he was going to argue some more, but instead shouted "Fine!" angrily and stomped into the hotel furiously.
He rapped on the door softly. No answer. He knocked again. Silence.
"Goku, are you in there?"
No answer.
Slowly, he opened the door, knowing very well that Goku was in there. He was slightly surprised at how dark the room was. In fact, the only source of light was from the lamp post outside. For a minute, he thought maybe Goku was really not there, and then he spotted a small figure at the corner of the room. He switched the light on. Goku sat huddled in the corner, his face in his knees. He did not make any gesture that he was aware of another presence.
Hakkai set the food tray on the bedside table and walked up to the kid. He had never seen Goku like this before. It was obvious that the boy was worried about Sanzo. But, Goku had worried about Sanzo many times before and yet, it had never been this bad. But then again, now that he thought about it, Sanzo had been gone for almost a month now and Goku had never left Sanzo's side… The priest to the boy was like his keepsake of live - of freedom. Losing it, meant… Poor boy, he thought, touching Goku's head.
"Don't touch me."
Hakkai stumbled back at the low menacing voice. Was that Goku's voice? He couldn't believe that it was Goku that had just uttered those words. "Goku?"
Goku raised his head and stared menacingly at Hakkai. "What?!"
Hakkai felt his heart beat more rapidly. This was not Goku, at least, not the normal high spirit Goku. For a moment, Hakkai got the mental image of the bloodthirsty youkai inside of Goku.
"Are you alright, Goku?" he wondered what he would do if Goku would lose control. Without Sanzo… He hoped the Goddess of Mercy was feeling merciful nowadays.
"If that's all you want to know…Then just leave me alone, please."
"Goku, it's not right to be left alone."
The boy didn't respond but just stared at the empty whitewash wall. He wondered what the kid was thinking. He gave out a soft sighed. 'Goku I know how you are feeling but-"
"Do you? Do you really?!" Goku gave him a malicious stare. He resisted the urge to retreat. Those eyes… "You don't understand a thing how I am feeling right now."
Suddenly the tension inside of him disappeared. And in its place was anger – anger for Goku's ignorance. "How do you think I felt when I lost Kanan" His voice was angry. 'Or when Goyjo lost his brother? How do you think we felt then?'
Goku kept his eyes on the wall as if it was hypnotizing him.
"Don't be so ignorance of our past."
"Then how can you still smile…" Goku's voice sounded pained. "and act as if nothing had ever happened?! How can you?"
Hakkai was taken aback by the statement. Now, he knew what the boy was getting at – Goku think that they are not concerned about Sanzo and that the missing company did not matter… Well, Goku was wrong. As wrong as he can get.
"You're wrong." He said softly. "We care about Sanzo just as much as you care about him! We smile and act as if everything is all right - that's … that is our way of coping with the situation."
Goku did not response but there were tears glistening in those golden eyes.
"It is how we survived in this condition." Hakkai stood up and headed for the door. "Remember Goku, you are not the only one going who is going through this."
Hakkai slumped onto the bed and unbuttoned his shirt.
Then how can you both still smile and act as if nothing had ever happened?!
He too wondered how he can still smile and act as if nothing had ever happened. But that was how he is. Even after she was gone he was still smiling – a fake smile but a smile nonetheless.
Was it because I didn't love you enough?
He could still remember her black hair, could almost still smell her favourite perfume deluging his sense of smell, could almost remember the tenderness to her soft pale skin when she touched him… and he could still remember the memory clearly where he had massacred the whole clan of the one-thousand-eyed-crow, could still smell the metallic smell of blood.
He tried to block the vile memory… if he had not love her, than why had he gone on the futile attempt to save her? Then why had her death wretched his life so much that he was willing to just give it up? Why?
"Kanan..."
He wanted the question to stop bombarding his mind. But he knew it will never stop haunting him. These are the questions that he has to live for the rest of his pitiful life. It will never stop. Never.
He tried to stay awake for a little bit longer, but his eyelids felt as if they weight a ton. He knew if he fell asleep now he will be haunted by the nightmares like it always does. But it was almost impossible to resist it. Slowly, he finally surrendered his conscious to a restless sleep.
Tip… tap… tip… tap…
The sounds of the rain droned in his ears as he rushed through the dim lit corridor, a dagger gleamed in his hand.
Tip…tap…tip…tap…
A lightning struck, lighting the whole corridor with an eerie light for a moment, revealing the shadows of the youkais' that awaits him at the end of the passage. He gripped the dagger tighter in his hand and braced himself for the oncoming slough.
Tip… tap… tip… tap…
Blood splattered as he slit the throat of the last youkai. Evil satisfaction filled him as he watched the youkai drowned in it's on own blood. They deserve it.
They deserve it.
Tip… tap… tip… tap…
He breathed in as Kanan hands touched his face. So soft. So fine. He hugged her - content. He will never let her go again.
He stared at her lovely face stained with tears and smudged with dirt but none could hide the beauty that she possessed. She is so beautiful. He hugged her again.
He will never let her go again. He can't. He won't.
Tip… tap… tip… tap…
Kanan held the dagger against her neck. Tears streaming down her rosy red cheeks as she smiled at him.
"Goodbye, Gono"
"NOOOOO!!!!!"
He sat up on his bed, cold sweat trickling down his face and back. For a moment he wondered where he was. Wondered where Kanan's dead body had gone to. And the realization hit him… it was all just a dream – a nightmare…
He wiped the sweats off his face and let himself fell back onto the bed, trying to calm himself down. He hated it. Hate every time the memories came to haunt him in his dreams. Hate the feeling of remorse and depression that tore his heart after every dream.
Slowly he got up from his bed and walked towards the window. Outside, it was just the beginning of dawn and he could see the outline of light far in the horizon as morning approach. He watched as the world awakes; birds began to flutter on the rooftops or chase themselves among the trees that scattered the town, townspeople began to flood the streets, some with company, some alone. But all of them untroubled, well at least they don't have the feeling of remorse guilt or the heavy burden to save the world on their shoulder. He could still remember when he was used to be like that – carefree… living like an ordinary person with her.
The memories flood over him again, giving a new surge of hatred and jealousy toward the whole world… but with an effort he pushed the thought to the back of his mind. It was just a dream. It's over. And for the memories… they are the past and he could do nothing to change them. There is no use to qualm over it.
He turned away from the window and pulled his damp clothes off, threw it into a corner and headed for the bathroom. He needed a bath.
0;;
He had just finished putting his clothes on and was in the process of combing his hair when the screaming and the shouting had started. The first thought that jumped into his head was that there had been another youkai attacked and the safety for the other hotel occupants. Without wasting another precious second, he tossed the comb in his hand and rushed down the narrow hallway as fast as he could carefully avoiding the head of the other guests that was now sticking out curiously from their room door.
He was on the top of the stair when another scream had came, accompanied by a smashing sound and someone's evil laughter. He quickened his pace while begin to form a ki ball in his right hand. He can't let anybody get hurt. Not anymore. The restaurant door was just right in front of him. He readied himself. Taking a big step he jumped through the doors and…
… and his step faltered …
"It was definitely not!" Goyjo shouted his Shakujo out and shielding him.
"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! It was!! I was about to take it!!!" Goku cried hammering at Goyjo's Shakujo with his Nyoubou.
"No you were not!!!! Anyway I took it first!!!!! Finder keeper!!!!!!"
"Excuse me…" Hakkai tried to catch himself some attention, but his attempt was futile.
"I was saving it for me!!!" Goku continued to hammered, crashing some chairs and table over in the process.
"Please, excuse me…" Hakkai tried again, but for all the good it had done he might as well had said nothing.
"You're going to pay for this, KAPPA!!!"
"EXCUSE ME!!!"
There was an eerie silence as the two turned toward Hakkai and looked at him as if they had just realized of his existence. Hakkai cleared his throat. "May I know what's going on here?"
Goku and Goyjo immediately stalked over to him and broke into a train of aggressive explanation with their hands waving in the air and in a very loud voice, apparently trying to drown out each other's voice. "One at a time, please." Hakkai said uselessly eyeing both weapon wearily and carefully avoiding them as the waving of the hand passed his head.
"ONE AT A TIME PLEASE!!" There was another silence. "Goku you go first, Goyjo you wait."
"It was Goyjo's fault! We were happily eating our breakfast in here and then he finished his and started picking mine!!!! I haven't eaten in days so I was very angry!!! But…"
"I wasn't picking at your plate I took it from the serving plate!!! And serve you right! Who told you not to go and eat for days!! It was your fault that you are hungry now!!"
"Hey, I'm telling the story here!! And I was very upset okay!!! And I ordered that dumpling!!! So it was mine!"
Hakkai sighed and gave up. There is no hope for these two. He spotted the bartender behind the counter with a few waitresses looking harassed. He apologized to him and told that he'll pay all the damage later with interest. That seemed to cheered him a lot. He glanced back at the two, saw them still engaged in a heated battle and wearily walk out of the restaurant, cursing. But inside he was not as mad as he looked on the contrary he felt very, very relieved.
Yes, there is nothing he can do to change the past… but life goes on and he can still look into the future that had not yet been determined.
To Be Continue
Author's note:
Oh-oh-oh dear… brain… mal-mal-functioning… too exam much… think… not working… Cha-chap-chapter next… be-be-be longer… hopefully… brain wo-work-working… can't think… think… can't… review ple-plea-please leave… onegai…