Another's Name But My Heart

By Lady of the Ink

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha, but you knew that . . .I hope. But I do own this plot and all the twists that it takes.

………

X

A/N:

I'm going to use the name "Inutaisho" for Inuyasha's father since it seems to be the most common choice. If it's wrong, I'm sorry, but I'm just tired of using "his father", "the youkai lord", etc.

X

Chapter Thirty-Four

She Cries Your Name

… … … …

X

X

Inuyasha walked down the hallway at his father's side, all the while wanting nothing more than to turn on his heel and return to Kagome. The sense of responsibility that he'd spent the night ignoring would no longer allow that, making it's reappearance on a strong wave of guilt. He figured that the least he could do was give his father some of his time after all the omissions and secrets he'd piled up between them. They could settle the most pressing of the issues, thus allowing him to get back to where he truly wanted to be.

In order to speed up the whole process, Inuyasha took the lead. His first question was the most obvious choice to start with. "What's been done about Kikyo?"

His sharp tone earned him a look from his father, raised eyebrow and all. "Now which Kikyo would that be? Half the people I've talked with say that it's the crazy woman with the bow, while the other half swear that the injured girl down the hall is Kikyo. Care to clarify?"

Inuyasha bowed his head in an attempt to hide his reddening cheeks. He knew that his father had every right to chastise him; but that didn't mean he had to like it. "Didn't Miroku explain all this to you already?" he asked almost desperately.

"Your priest friend covered the basics, but I'd like to hear your side of the story." Inutaisho stopped to lean his shoulder against the wall and cross his arms over his chest. His posture made it clear he was settling in and not planning to move until he got enough answers to satisfy him.

Inuyasha took a deep breath as he tried to decide where to begin. He wasn't sure what all Miroku would consider "the basics", so he decided to start his recounting from the beginning. For the first time since the start of the visit, Inuyasha was completely honest with his father. He explained how difficult Kikyo had been in the beginning, refusing to meet with him or entertain any ideas of a peaceful resolution. He went on to talk of his surprise when she had suddenly agreed to a marriage and of the ceremony that followed.

When he began to talk about the weeks he'd spent with Kagome thinking she was Kikyo, Inuyasha's words came slower and with more difficulty. Even though he considered their relationship as good as resolved in his own mind, the shadow hanging over the memories of that time still stung. Inuyasha forced himself to continue, though, leaving out only the most personal details of his relationship with Kagome, unwilling to share them with his father lest he get the wrong idea.

His hands tightened into fists as he recounted Kikyo's return and the plan he'd decided upon and set into motion. He knew his father could see the redness on his face, but this time he didn't try to hide it. He'd already figured out that he had been wrong about marrying Kikyo and acted on it by leaving the church before the wedding. He wasn't going to try and defend his earlier choice; he'd let his final actions stand for themselves.

…

Little did Inuyasha know that his father was more amused than angry at the things he was learning. It had been clear from the very start of their visit that Inuyasha and many others in the castle were hiding something from them. Too many of their stories didn't quite match up, and there were a number of people who refused to meet their eyes. While it could have had something to do with his being a demon and their lack of experience with his kind, Inutaisho didn't think that was the case. They had spoken easily enough with both Inuyasha and Shippo, but had had the same difficulty being forthright with Inuyasha's mother, a human just like them.

Subtle snooping had garnered him a few clues, but nothing that he'd been able to put together into a full explanation. The priest's admissions at the church hadn't been as surprising as they might have been otherwise. He had already known there was another girl somehow involved. Her scent had been everywhere around the castle while his son's supposed bride's was noticeably absent.

Any satisfaction he had gotten from being right had disappeared the moment that he'd heard Inuyasha was in danger. He'd been out of the church before the words fully left the priest's mouth and was soon embroiled in a battle in the forest. Even enmeshed in the fight as he was, he had taken note of the human girl lying unconscious to one side and the lengths that Inuyasha went while trying to simultaneously defeat the strange demon and protect her from harm. He'd assumed her to be the other woman, Kagome.

Inutaisho had realized in that moment why Inuyasha had failed to go through with the wedding. He was obviously in love with this other girl, even after all that she had been a party to.

And when the girl had thrown herself, without the slightest of hesitations, in the arrow's path to save Inuyasha, he'd realized that those feelings were returned. He wondered if Inuyasha knew it, too.

Deciding to test the waters, he started subtly. "So you were going to marry Kikyo in order to safeguard your hold on these lands, but you couldn't go through with it."

"And now I'm going to lose everything to some crazy woman with a bow and a death wish." Inuyasha's head hung; his tone was full of bleakness.

Inutaisho chuckled. "I wouldn't worry about it, son. While you've been locked up in that room, I've been talking with the people around here. I don't think that you would have a problem if you wanted to remain in charge around here. None of them are too anxious to be under Kikyo's rule again."

Inuyasha's eyes narrowed. "How do they even know about this?"

"There was a church full of people when your priest friend explained things to me. The entire village knew before nightfall." Inutaisho watched as his son absorbed that information, his features reflecting first disbelief, then anger, and finally concern. Suspecting what his next question would be, Inutaisho hurried to reassure him. "No, they don't know all the details. Kagome's name was never mentioned, just that there was another woman involved. If she wants to go back to her old life, no one would be the wiser." Inuyasha slumped in relief. "Of course, it would also be okay if you decided to marry her again. The people around here seem to like her just fine, and I don't think they'd have any problems with her being the lady of the castle."

He was rewarded for his brazenness with the sight of his youngest son spluttering and turning red. He would have laughed out loud had he not known that there was a seriousness lurking behind the humor. Inuyasha was not the kind of person who felt comfortable talking about feelings. He was even less uncomfortable talking about his feelings. Even though he obviously cared deeply for the girl down the hall, there was a good chance he would refuse to act on those feelings for fear of being rejected.

The last thing that Inutaisho wanted was to see Inuyasha miss out on a chance for true happiness. If he had to prod him to make a move, he would do it. If it took teasing to put certain ideas into his head, he would do that too. He would offer all the advice that he could and hope that Inuyasha used it to get what he so obviously desired. Before he left for the Western Lands, he wanted to see his son happily settled with someone who cared as deeply for him as he knew Kagome did.

X

Kagome sat up in bed with a half dozen pillows behind her back. One person or another was always popping into the room to see if she needed another one, even though such an addition would likely bend her forward far enough to risk smothering in the thick layer of blankets covering her lap.

While she was flattered at the goodhearted attention she was receiving, it was also slowly driving her crazy. Between offers of water, soup, more pillows or blankets, and simple wishes, she'd had almost no time to herself since she'd awakened from the injury induced sleep. After five days under everyone's careful eyes, she was ready to scream from the lack of privacy. Without the quiet time necessary for her to process them, the dozens of questions rebounding in her mind just grew louder and larger.

Kagome sighed and tried to lean back, but she was stopped almost immediately by the mass of pillows stuffed behind her back. With a growl of frustration, she twisted to pull two of them free and hurl them across the room. The action sent a fiery burst of pain through her side, leaving her panting and hunched over. It was in that position that Inuyasha found her.

Striding across the floor, he took her shoulders in his hands, easing her into a more restful pose. He let go the moment she was settled, shoving his hands into the opposite sleeves as thought unsure what else to do with them. "Are you okay?" he finally asked, meeting her eyes for the briefest of seconds before looking away.

Nodding quickly, Kagome locked her gaze on the foot of the bed to avoid having to look at him. She had been dreading this meeting since she had woken up and had put it off for as long as she could. At first she had pretended sleep whenever he had come to visit, which had been more often than she would have liked. Then she had implied through motions that her throat was still too sore for talking. Now she was all out of excuses and had no choice but to face the inevitable.

Her fingers twined together in her lap as she thought about what was about to come. Inuyasha would finally have his chance to address everything that she had written in the note. It was exactly the scene she had hoped to avoid, and the entire reason she hadn't faced him in the first place. Now she would have to be face to face with him while he told her what he thought of her.

The grip her hands had on one another tightened until her knuckles turned white. She wished that she had had the courage to face him the first time around, when at least she had known where she stood with him. Now she was in the dark about everything that had been going on post-Naraku. As often as she had asked, no one would tell her anything about Kikyo or the wedding. They had all just shook their heads and told her not to worry about it until she was fully recovered.

Kagome stole a quick look at Inuyasha from the corner of her eye. She found no conciliation in the fact that he looked as uncertain as she felt. It could be simply because he was unsure how to tell her that he wanted her to leave, that he was married to Kikyo and would rather not be reminded of his mistakes.

That thought was so depressing that she let out an unintentional sigh. Inuyasha had to have heard it, and it seemed like he took it as a sign to begin the conversation they had both been avoiding thus far.

"We need to talk, Kagome," he said, sending a tingle up her spine at hearing her name from his lips for the first time. She tamped down the feeling, struggling to keep her face as expressionless as she could as she nodded in response.

Inuyasha fidgeted, shifting his weight from one foot to the other and back again. Apparently giving up on being comfortable while standing, he turned to pull over the chair that had been resting by her bedside since before she had woken up. He settled into it, his posture slumped and tense at the same time. With his head bowed until his chin almost touched his chest, he mumbled something that she couldn't quite make out.

"What?" she asked, unconsciously leaning closer to him.

"I said . . .thank you. For what you did." He made a vague gesture towards her side where the arrow had struck. Kagome felt a glow rise within her that he had at least appreciated that gesture. She hadn't been expecting even that much.

"You're welcome. I . . .I didn't really think . . .I just acted . . ."

"Acted stupid, you mean. Did it ever cross your mind that you could have been killed? And doing what? Taking an arrow that would have laid me up for a day, two days at most. Unlike you, I happen to be half demon. No little arrow could have done that much damage."

The warm glow was gone, replaced by a quick rising anger she had never known she'd possessed before meeting him. Who did he think he was, she thought, lecturing her for trying to help! The nerve! She leveled burning eyes on him, unwilling to keep her thoughts to herself when it might be the last chance she would ever have to vent them. "Well, excuse me, Mr. Almighty-Half-Demon, for not wanting you to get hurt! Like I said, I wasn't thinking at the time. If I had been, I would have let it hit your arrogant hide. It might have made you think a little less of yourself!"

Inuyasha stood so fast that the chair he'd been sitting in tipped over backward. "Who asked you to try and protect me? It's not like you could, anyway. You should have just stayed out of the way, like any other person with half a brain would have!"

"Well, forgive me, Lord Inuyasha. The next time that you're in danger, I'll just sit back and watch, doing nothing!" The moment that the words were out of her mouth, Kagome wished she could call them back. There would be no next time for them, not for her seeing him in danger or for anything else.

Their eyes met for an instant before they both turned away with red cheeks. Kagome coughed lightly to hide her embarrassment as Inuyasha returned his chair to its original position. He didn't sit in it, though, choosing to stand by the bedside instead. Silence filled the room as though neither of them could think of what to say in the aftermath of her unthinking comment.

"Look, I don't know how to say this, so I'm just going to say it. I want you to stay here. As my wife."

Kagome almost swallowed her tongue in shock at Inuyasha's words. It was the last thing that she would have ever expected him to say, not to mention its coming completely out of the blue. Since she was beyond words, she was glad when Inuyasha continued talking . . .until she realized what he was saying.

"I've been talking with a lot of people and they all agree that I should stay here as the ruler. Kikyo was never fit for the role and after what she did, no one wants her back. That means that I can marry whoever I want and not worry about losing my claim here. I also know that everyone here would be happy if you'd stay. They all like you much better than Kikyo."

"They like Kaede better than Kikyo, too, so why don't you marry her?" she shot back. It was hardly a love proposal, and she couldn't help but feel slightly offended by the way he had chosen to put it. She welcomed the anger his clumsiness brought even as she recognized it for what it truly was: a mask for her true feelings and a way to put off what she knew she had to do.

For all that she wanted to say yes, to remain by his side for the rest of her life, Kagome knew that she couldn't. She'd had a lot of time to think about it, and she'd come to several conclusions. There was too much between them that would never get resolved, too many insecurities that would never get assuaged if they jumped back into a relationship. No matter how good of a start they got off to, it would be built on lies and un-dealt with issues. Over time, it would be sure to crumble, and that was something she didn't think she could take.

Sighing sadly, Kagome caught Inuyasha's hands between her own. Looking him in the eye, she was as honest as she could stand to be. "I'm not going to lie and say that I don't care about you, because I do. It scares me how much I do. But I can't lie to myself either, and pretend that we could just go on like nothing happened. Everything about the past few months would come back to taint any future we tried to make with each other right now and turn it into something that we regretted." She swallowed as she felt tears fill her eyes. "I can't take anymore regrets, Inuyasha. The ones I already have are killing me."

Her heart breaking in her chest, Kagome uttered the hardest words of her life. "I can't stay with you."

His face registered shock for the space of several heartbeats before he pulled his hands from hers and stormed from the room. Kagome was left to stare after him with tears pouring down her cheeks and a heart that was breaking for the second time.

"Inuyasha . . .I'm so sorry . . ."

.

10/23 Note:

Okay, I just want to say a few things in response to some of the reviews I already got. First of all, I know the end of this chapter didn't go over too well, but it was there for a reason. All of the points that Kagome made were true. If you start a relationship off with lies and then continue on without ever addressing and dealing with those lies, the chances are very good that the relationship won't last. That's why I decided that they wouldn't wind up together as soon as one of them admitted their feelings.

Point two is Inuyasha's walking away. Have we ever seen Inuyasha get mushy the moment emotions come up? Has he ever dropped to his knees to declare undying love to anyone? No. He's not that kind of person. He tries to find ways to get what he wants without having to admit to his feelings because he doesn't handle his softer side well. He'd rather go with any excuse he can think of (shard detector, anyone?) instead of admitting that he cares. That's as honest as he can get (extreme situations aside), and it takes a lot for him to get even there. When those attempts are shot down, he responds with anger and avoidance, not pleas for the person to change their mind.

I think that the last chapter was more realistic than a lot of people would have liked, but it was what I felt was needed. As I've said it many times, I would have thought more people would remember that I dislike unhappy endings and so I wouldn't leave it at that ending. The epilogue is a much more pleasing, both to myself and I think to everyone else, ending of this story. If you hold on for one more week, I promise you won't be sorry.