AN- Ok, before we begin, I'd just like to say that this is one of those fics I like to put in the "Oh My Dear God, What The Hell Was I Thinking???" genre. You can expect insanity (which anyone would have to have a healthy dose of to even think of this pairing), inanity, humor, spoofy yaoi, and sappiness. Oh, and blatant KakaIru, because they just work together so well!! If any of the above offends/ bothers/ scares you, don't read the fic! This will be released in three to five parts, with each chapter posted as soon as Sau-chan has betad it. Reviews would be an awesome incentive to getting this done quicker, but I will update this, even if I only get one review

Don't own anyone, though I've been creating a rather nice collection of those small figurines.. . Also, this is the first blatant yaoi I've written, so please be kind and review, let me know what you think.

And so, Ladies and... (Are there any guys who write/review on fanfiction.net? I don't think I've met too many...) Anyway, you people, enjoy the story, feel free to write stinging reviews, laugh at my jokes (or at me, as long as you're laughing, that's all that matters), and please leave me a review! I'd love to hear what you think!!

SLS 6-29-04

Summary: A love jutsu goes awry, and Kankuro is hit! Who'll be the "lucky" one he sets his heart on? Lots of OOCness and bizarre humor. Keep out of reach of children.

No Strings Attached

I

"Ne, ne, Kakashi-sensei, why won't you teach me??"

Uzumaki Naruto, hero of his own comic and tv series (but not of this fic, for the most part), was whining at his teacher. He'd been doing it for over three hours now, and said sensei was beginning to lose his cool. Now, mind you, he hadn't lost it to the point that Gai-sensei could claim victory of coolness over the silver haired Jounin, but he was approaching that mark quickly. He'd had to reread the chapter of "Icha Icha Paradise" four times over now, and if asked he still wouldn't be able to tell you if the heroine had been rescued from the evil but darkly seductive villain holding her captive by her strong and oh so handsome hero. Hell, Kakashi wouldn't be able to tell anyone anything except that he needed to get away from his student before someone got hurt. Giving up, he sighed and shut his book, turning his eye down at the boy.

"Because, Naruto, like I've been telling you every time you ask me, I don't know a love jutsu. I don't know who or what gave you the idea that I do, but-"

"LIAR!" The blonde pointed angrily into his sensei's face. "I know you do! Why else would Iruka-sensei like you? You did some kinky jutsu on him to mess with his mind, and now he blushes every time you come near him! Besides, Pervert-Sennin-sensei said that he wasn't the one to ask, because he only tried it on Tsunade-baa-sama, and she always hit him before he could complete it, so he doesn't know if his version works or not. I wasn't going to forgive you for messing with Iruka-sensei's head, but I need the spell you used on him to make Sakura-chan look at me without that scary look in her eyes, so I'll let it slide this once if you just teach me! Senseeeeeeeiiiii!!!!"

Kakashi refrained from sighing again, but he closed his eye wearily. The brat just didn't give up. Well, the kid had gotten it partially right, at least. There was some kinkiness involved... If he went into detail about how he got Iru-kun to like him, then the boy would never let him go near Iruka again, let alone forgive him. And while he didn't really care if Naruto was angry with him or not, he did care about his sanity, which was slowly seeping away with every minute the boy spent ranting at him.

However, Hatake Kakashi wasn't known as a genius for nothing. Grinning to himself at the sudden brilliant insight he had, he opened his eye to look down at his still complaining pupil.

"Naruto." The boy looked up, startled mid-rant about Kakashi and how he was a lowlife big dork, cerulean eyes wide. Kakashi grinned down at him, eye curved up happily.

"I don't know a love jutsu, but I'm sure that if you talk to Hokage-sama, she can teach you one. After all, love has to do with the heart, and she's a doctor, right? So she'd know how to help you with these things." Naruto, puzzled by this logic, sat for several moments pondering what his teacher meant by 'these things'.

Tsunade-baa-sama did know a lot of stuff... and she was always saying that life was a gamble. Maybe she could help him. But did she know a jutsu for putting love into someone's heart? Didn't she just fix people up and send them out of her office so she could sleep on her paper-work? The only person in the village he could think of who spoke openly about love and people making the most of their youth was scary-eyebrow-sensei, and there was no way in Hell he was going to talk to that weirdo. So that brought him back to Tsunade. She was the Hokage and therefore responsible for making sure that people were learning what they needed to know... And she was a girl! So of course she'd know how to make Sakura-chan fall in love with him! She'd have to help him, and Sakura-chan would fall madly and utterly in love with him! Then, he could go back to hating Kakashi-sensei!

Kakashi watched the dawning realization spread across Naruto's face as he worked the idea out, the frown widening to his infamous grin. The older man mentally shook his head at the transparency of his student, at the same time knowing that Iruka would find it endearing. Thoughts of the other teacher soon led back to memories of how he got Iruka to blush the way he always did, and he couldn't keep back a grin. He nudged Naruto with the tip of his boot, once again eager to have the boy leave him alone, but for another reason entirely. The young blonde looked up at him, eyes bright with anticipation.

"I take it back, sensei! You're not a completely useless no good bastard of a teacher all the time! Just most of the time. I've gotta run to Tsunade-baa-sama and get the scroll from her right away! Thanks, Kakashi-sensei!"

And with that, the blonde whirlwind was gone, racing off to wheedle a way to quick romance off of the unsuspecting Tsunade. Kakashi smirked, knowing the kid would be busy for quite some time, and spun on his heel, whistling tunelessly as he headed off to find a certain Dolphin and pick up an extra jar of peanut butter on the way....

Meanwhile, in another section of Konohagure.....

"Waaaaiii!! It looks so cute on you, Temari-chan! You've got to get it!"

Sakura and Ino squealed in delight as the blonde spun slowly, showing off the kimono they'd made her try on. The Sand blonde blushed, looking at herself in the mirror again. It was pretty cute... She glanced to the side to see what the other members of their shopping expedition thought, and sighed. (AN- when did this shopping trip occur, you ask? Well, you know how there wasn't a manga strip released because of Golden Week? Well, everyone put their fights on hold and went back to various places to relax and enjoy the holiday. And to play a part in this fic. No, really)

Why they'd brought the guys along, she still couldn't figure it out. Her brothers sat grumpily to one side, Kankuro fiddling with the wrappings on his doll, and Gaara looking like he wanted to kill someone. (Actually, he looked bored, but that usually ended up with someone dying to end the monotony. While Gaara was trying to improve his social skills, they still needed some polishing). The other boys Sakura and Ino had somehow wheedled into coming along were leaning against the wall: Sasuke, staring moodily at his toes looked the most disgruntled of the group (except perhaps for Gaara), and Shikamaru was asleep.

Another sigh escaped her, and she silently thanked Kami that at least the people the two girls had brought to carry bags were quiet. Now, if Sakura-chan's other teammate, the loud mouthed–

"Sakura-chaaaaaaaaaaaan!!" Damn. Speak of the devil....

Naruto, huffing, doubled over to catch his breath as he came to a stop in front of the pink haired girl. He grinned up at her as he pulled himself up, standing proudly. She scowled down at him, crossing her arms menacingly.

"What do you want, Naruto? Can't you see I'm busy helping Temari-chan pick out something to wear to the festival tonight?" Ino decided to add her own two cents, coming to stand by her friend's side.

"Naruto! If you're here to harass Sakura-chan into going on a date with you to that crummy ramen stand, just make your pitch so she can hit you and we can get it over with! We're busy here, can't you see that?" Naruto, surprised at the fact that his darling Sakura-chan was not alone, looked dumbly at the rest of the group, then back at the Haruno girl.

"Sakura-chan, why didn't you ask me to come? I would've carried boxes for you! I can carry boxes way better than Sasuke or Shikamaru!" The mentioned boys glared at the blonde from their spots on the wall, each responding with their customary remarks:

"Che. How troublesome...."

"Hnn."

The two Sand-nin boys were the only ones who didn't react negatively to Naruto's appearance; Kankuro continued unraveling the cloth around his puppet, the only change in his demeanor was a raised eyebrow and a small smile. Gaara simply watched the scene with a detached gaze.

At least he doesn't look like he's ready to go after the sales clerk anymore... Temari thought with relief. She fingered the tiny fan that was sold with the kimono, wondering how much damage she would be able to inflict if Sakura and Ino needed help getting rid of the nuisance. However, the boy surprised them all by reaching into his jacket, and pulling out a hot pink scroll, sealed with a heart emblem. The group stared as Naruto took a victory pose uncannily similar to Gai-sensei and Lee's "Good Guy" pose.

"I got something for you, Sakura-chan! It's-" The pink haired girl bashed a handy coat hanger over his head before he could finish.

"I DON'T WANT ANOTHER STUPID LOVE LETTER, NARUTO! I'VE TOLD YOU A MILLION TIMES, MY HEART IS ONLY FOR SASUKE!" The blonde pouted, wincing as he rubbed his new bump. The object of her affection also winced, although if it was from the volume of her cry or the content of it, none could tell. If one listened carefully though, you could hear an almost inaudible "Hnn..."

"But Sakura-chan... This is from the Hokage! It's a new spell she gave me, and I wanted to show it to you! Just watch me, you'll love it!!" And with a flourish, he broke the seal, twirling it around himself ala pretty sailor scout style, complete with sparklies and a special background. Drawing in as much breath as he could, he shouted the spell he was about to perform.

"AI NO JUTSU!"

Now, Sakura, being a smart girl, recognized the word for 'love', and knew that if it was a jutsu, it probably meant that it had to be practiced before it was perfected. The scroll had been sealed when Naruto brought it out, meaning he hadn't tried it out before hand. Meaning he had no idea of what he was doing, for the most part. Meaning she was in big trouble. And Sakura, being the smart girl that she was, did the first thing she thought of.

She hit Naruto with the closet thing available, sending him crashing to the floor.

The closest thing available happened to be one of Kankuro's puppet's arms, which, unfortunately, was still connected to the puppet. Which Kankuro was holding onto, tangled in the mess of bandages that were usually wrapped securely around the weapon. He grabbed for one of the dress racks to keep his balance, but the thing tipped over with the weight, sending him into the blonde boy's path. The two fell together with a calamitous crash to the floor.

There was a moment of silence as the group and everyone else in the dress shop stared in silence at the tangled mass of limbs, bandages, and dresses. Sasuke, amazingly, was the first to break the silence.

"Hnn..."

A blonde head popped out of a paisley silk blouse, and Naruto scowled up at his rival.

"Dammit, Sasuke! This is all your fault, I know it is!" Shikamaru, the one who always had reason and thought put behind his words before he spoke, looked down at the blonde and scoffed.

"Keh. He was on the other side of the room, stupid. How could it be his fault?" Naruto, however, not to be deterred by logic and fact, jabbed a finger in Sasuke's direction.

"That doesn't matter! It's always his fault! He's such a big arrogant no good–" he was interrupted as a hand emerged from the heavy fabrics, smacking him upside the head. A disgruntled Kankuro quickly made his way to the surface, and he rubbed at his eyes furiously.

"Oy, you idiot, I think your spell was a dud. And if I end up blind because you smacked me... I'll let Gaara play with you." Naruto froze, peering up at the redhead fearfully, and Gaara looked down at him. Then gave a curt nod, acknowledging his brother's statement. Naruto shivered, sweat beginning to form on his brow.

"Ne, ne, I'm sure you're ok... Tsunade-baa-sama wouldn't give me a dud spell... I mean, she knew I wanted to use it on Sakura-chan, and-"

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY?? DIE, NARUTO!!!" Naruto let out a yelp as Sakura lunged at him, nails extended, teeth bared. Shaking himself free of the rest of the dresses, Naruto fled the scene, pleading with Sakura as she chased him away.

"Please- ow- Saku-ow!- ra-cha- ow, dammit, that hurt!- I'm sorry! Don't be- ouch!- angry!"

Temari ignored the two, helping her brother free from the pile of clothes.

"Kankuro, are you alright? Did that buffoon hurt you?" He shook his head, trying to clear it as he continued rubbing at his eyes.

"I'll be alright in a minute, he just hit me in the eyes as he twirled that damn thing around. I'm going.. to ... be..." He trailed off as his gaze focused, and his mouth fell open as the embodiment of perfection itself came into view. His sister, seeing his attention wander, looked up, and blinked.

There wasn't anyone suspicious outside, nor was there anything odd going on, if you discounted Naruto's continued pummeling by Sakura, and the bets Shikamaru, Ino and Sasuke were placing on how long he would last. There was only the small group they'd started with, Naruto, a few other shoppers... oh, and those two teachers the loud mouth always talked about. She couldn't remember who the brunette was, but she knew that the silver-haired one was Sakura-chan's sensei, and pretty strong. The other she'd only seen once or twice, and they'd never been introduced, so she didn't know his name. Her brother seemed to be staring right at them with an intensity that made her worry that something really was wrong.

"What's the matt- Kankuro? Kankuro!" Her brother had sprung to his feet, and was running towards the pair in the street. The two men looked up from their activities; Iruka, from bandaging and chastising both Sakura for hitting Naruto and Naruto for trying to perform a jitsu on Sakura, and Kakashi from reading his favorite book (and finally realizing that the heroine was saved- not by the strong and oh-so-handsome hero, however, but by her best friend's ex-husband's lover's nephew, who also happened to be the long lost twin brother of the strong and oh-so-handsome hero.) The two teachers glanced at each other before straightening and turning to Kankuro. Iruka put a hand forward, offering a smile to go along with it.

"It's Kankuro, isn't it? We haven't met yet, but-" and he was rudely pushed to the side as Kankuro slid in front of Kakashi, crossing his arms and scowling up at him. Kakashi looked back, slightly irritated that the boy had the audacity to shove his Iruka away like that. He stared evenly into the boy's eyes, waiting for the confrontation to begin. Kankuro narrowed his eyes.

"Are you the one that goes by Scarecrow?" Kakashi, slightly taken aback, nodded, not sure where this conversation had come from or was going. Kankuro looked him over for a moment, then nodded sagely.

"I see. Very well then. You're mine." Iruka, having picked himself up from where he'd landed in the road, frowned, sensing territory he'd marked as his own being infringed upon. He went to Kakashi's side, gazing evenly at the younger boy.

"Kakashi-sensei has done nothing to bother you, and there's no need to pick a fight. Sand and Leaf are now allies, and-" Kankuro quickly cut him off, shaking his head.

"I didn't say I wanted to fight him. I claim him, he's mine." Kakashi, startled to say the least, rubbed the back of his head.

"Umm.. What?" Kankuro turned back to the silver-haired man, a smile forming on his lips.

"Your name. Scarecrow. It speaks to me." Kakashi blinked. He really didn't know where this conversation was going...

"Scarecrows are like giant dolls, just stuffed with hay instead of sawdust. Dolls, no matter what the size, are very similar to puppets. And I'm a puppeteer. " He held up his puppet, still donning a flowery cap and some lacy undergarments. "Because of this logic, we should be together. The puppeteer and the almost-a-puppet. Or rather, the puppet with no strings attached."

Iruka spluttered in rage. This definitely counted as crossing territorial boundaries, and the boy needed to be put in his place.

"Excuse me, but I don't think you have a say in who Kakashi-sensei prefers to be with-" Kankuro, amazingly, nodded sympathetically.

"I know, and I'm sorry. I realize that this must be hard on you, as his ex-lover, but I'm afraid he can only love me now. Because he has pulled at my heart strings, I will become his new puppeteer. Only I am able to pull the strings that will make him dance a dance of blissful joy and ecstacy. But I am a fair man. I'll give you the rest of the afternoon to say your goodbyes. No-Strings," he smiled at Kakashi, bowing slightly, "I'll look for you at the festival tonight. It'll be our first date!" And with a flourish, he was gone, a trail of still unraveled bandages in his wake. Kakashi turned to Iruka, confused.

"What the hell just happened? And how did I end up as uke?" Iruka, incensed, glared down at the mess of tangled strings Kankuro had left behind. Then, his gaze shifted, and Naruto wished he'd decided to stay peeping at the hot springs with Pervert-Senin-sensei again.

"I don't know... but we're going to find out. NOW."

In... whatever hotel the Sand-Nin were staying in for Golden Week

"Ah, No-Strings, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways.... Your hair shines like the metal knives stashed in my puppets, your eyes– well, eye– is a bullet that pierces my heart. Your movements are a delicate twitch of the fingers, slow and graceful, simple yet stunning...."

Temari winced as her brother continued to practice the poems he was going to seduce the Scarecrow teacher with that evening, and looked to Gaara, the only one who hadn't said anything about Kankuro's predicament. Even Sasuke had said an enlightening "Hnn!!", but Gaara had remained silent. She walked over to him, whispering conspiratorially.

"Gaara, what do you think we should do?" They watched as their brother practiced kissing on one of his puppets dressed like a certain jounin.... And simultaneously shivered. Gaara shook his head, watching his older brother make a fool of himself. Temari bit her lip, watching Kankuro out of the corner of her eye.

"We need to find out what that spell did to him, and figure out how we can stop him before he makes a complete fool of himself. I'm going to see Hokage-sama; Gaara, can you watch him, and make sure he doesn't do anything stupid?" Gaara, watching his brother silently, gave a half nod, then sat down to regard his brother with half hooded eyes. Temari dashed out of the room to go interrogate the leaf's leader, and then pummel the idiot who messed with her brother's head.

Somewhere else

"Kyah! I swear, I didn't know it would work on guys too!! I only got it because Sakura-chan never even looks at me except to hit me...." Naruto pouted, quite a feat, since he was sporting multiple bumps given to him by Sakura and Ino every time something stupid came out of his mouth. Needless to say, he was pretty much black and blue by the time he got to where he got the scroll.

"...and after you said to go see the old hag, I did, and there were all these Anbu hanging around and saying she didn't want to be disturbed so I climbed up the tower from the outside and snuck into her room that way. When I found her, she and Pervert-Senin-sensei were playing a game of hide and seek under the desk, and she got angry because I think she thought I might've given her hiding spot away to Jiraiya-sensei, except that I know he already knew it because he was under there with her when I came in. Anyway, she gave me the scroll and told me it wouldn't fail, no matter what I did that might screw it up, and that I shouldn't tell anyone that she and Jiraiya-sensei were-"

Iruka cut him off, not really wanting to know what it was that the two sennin had been doing. With patience only gained by years of teaching, Iruka kept his voice calm as he spoke.

"Alright, Naruto, that's fine, but did Hokage-sama say anything about how to break the spell? Did she give you a counter jutsu?" Naruto frowned and thought for a moment, then shook his head.

"No, the old hag seemed to be in a hurry or something, so she just gave me the scroll and told me to go try it out. She didn't say anything about it being permanent though. Maybe it'll wear off in a few hours..."

Iruka looked to Kakashi, who merely shrugged.

"Tsunade said that it was an extra blank scroll she had lying around, and that she told Naruto it had a spell on it to shut him up. She doesn't have a clue as to what might've happened to make Kankuro act as he is, but she's going to take a look at him first thing tomorrow morning- or afternoon, depending on how much she drinks tonight."

Iruka frowned at that, then turned to look at the young blonde sand-nin who was sending death glares in Naruto's direction. He sighed, knowing that the boy hadn't meant any real harm, and thus the mess he had created could be cleaned up and fixed eventually. Probably. Hopefully. He looked to Kakashi again, shrugging slightly and sighing.

"I don't think there's much we can do, then, except try to keep him away from you until Tsunade-sama has looked him over. I'm sure your brother will be fine, Temari," he added, seeing her scowl deepen. She kept fidgeting with her large fan, pulling it open a few inches before snapping it shut, the movement very much akin to a guillotine's chop or a shark's bite. Iruka made a mental note to make sure Naruto was kept far away from the girl until her brother had returned to normality. He really didn't want to see any lasting damage on Naruto, though he had to admit he wouldn't have blamed the girl for snapping and going after him. Trying to steer away Temari's thoughts of DOOM (tm) for Naruto from the forefront of her mind, he smiled, putting a hand on her shoulder.

"He'll be alright, Temari. Tsunade-sama is very wise, and is very skilled in many jutsu. She'll be able to figure out what Naruto did and reverse everything." The girl, still scowling, nodded succinctly before turning to the other teacher.

"Hatake-san, I am sorry that you are the target of... this mess. Let me speak on behalf of my brother, we are very sorry for troubling you in any way. When this is over, I'm sure Kankuro will want to apologize in person. It isn't like him to be so rude or forceful, and I ask that you please excuse him." Kakashi, still a little miffed at the implication that Kankuro would make him uke, nodded curtly, but forced himself to relax, turning to Iruka.

"We'll just have to avoid him at the festival tonight, that's all. It won't be too hard- we are ninja, after all. We can disappear when we need to, and stay out of trouble. Or, we can skip the festival altogether. I have several good ideas of what we can do when everyone else is out partying...." At this, a hentai grin spread across his face so widely you could see it through the mask. Iruka's response was a brilliant flush of red. Naruto, for his part, forgot about his promise to himself to not hate Kakashi-sensei until after Sakura had fallen madly in love with him.

"You kinky bastard! If you do anything that hurts Iruka-sensei, I'll-!!" Iruka cut him off before he could finish the sentence, trying to get rid of the red staining his cheeks as he took charge of the situation.

"Well, there isn't anything more we can do until tomorrow, so we may as well part ways. Temari, we'll let you know where we're going to be so that you can avoid those areas; please do what you can to... control... your brother." She nodded, threw a parting glare at Naruto, then left, off to return to her brothers. Naruto, for his part, had the decency to look guilty.

"Ne, Iruka-sensei... I'm sorry..." Iruka gave him a smile, ruffling the blonde mop affectionately.

"It's alright, Naruto. Thing's work themselves out. It'll be just like a mission, and we could all use the practice of our subtly. Kakashi and I will simply fade into the crowd, and Kankuro will have to give up after a while. Now, there's one thing I want you to promise me before you go home and get cleaned up."

The boy nodded fervently as the teacher helped him up, brushing himself down before peering up into his adored teacher's face. Iruka saw the guilty look Naruto was giving him, and smiled gently to let the boy know he wasn't as angry with him any more.

"Don't ever use a spell other than a healing spell on one of your comrades again. It was a lucky break this time that no one was hurt, but if you do something like this again in the future, someone could be seriously injured if the spell went wrong. Promise me you'll think it through next time, ok?" The boy's head continued nodding, and Iruka cast a side glance to where Kakashi was sending the other kids out.

"Don't worry, Naruto. One day, you'll run into someone you'll be head over heels for, and you won't need a spell for them to look at you, because they'll already be crazy for you. Just give it time, and things'll work out. Now, go on home, and we'll see you tonight, alright?"

The boy jumped up and hugged his teacher around the middle before dashing to the door. He threw a parting insult to Kakashi as he ran out the door, and raced home to get ready for that evening.

Kakashi closed the door and turned to Iruka, who sighed and ran fingers through his hair in agitation as he sat down in a chair. The brunette looked up when arms came around his shoulders, and he gave an apologetic smile to Kakashi.

"I'm sorry things have gotten so complicated. He didn't mean any harm, he just always seems to end up getting into trouble..." Kakashi smirked, sitting down next to the other man.

"That's putting it mildly, to say the least. But like you said, things will work out. In the meantime, I know ways we can pass the time..." His smirk turned to a leering grin, and he held up an innocent jar.

"Peanut butter?"

To read about Kakashi's seduction of Iruka, read the side story written by my good friend Sweetmoons! It's coming out soon... I think.

This story is for you, Sau-chan, for getting me re-hooked into Naruto! And for making me a fan of KakaIru stories, of course!!!

Look for the next part sometime in the near future! Please leave a review, and thanks for reading!!

SLS