A/N: Okay so this chapter is a bit of a tear-jerker. Well actually to be more accurate it's more of an 'I want to kill the make believe character that would make Spike so upset and cry'. Opps I just gave away a little more then intended. Don't worry about what happens because this person will see the error of his or her way.

Chapter 9:

Spike had a hectic morning. He was woken up early by the sound of screaming. It was just Connor and Maddy playing, but it had freaked Spike out. When he got to Angel's house he hadn't slept well. He had had nightmares about Angel dying. He blamed it on the caffeine that he had had earlier. Plus the company didn't help. Before getting to her house things had been great. They had been friends without the awkwardness. Spike had beaten himself up about the whole thing.

He arrived at Angel's house and witnessed something that he wished he hadn't. Angel had to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance. Cordy had come back into the room to find him on the floor and unconscious. Apparently he had tried to get up and didn't have enough energy to walk. He had fallen and hit his head. It was a very traumatizing experience. Cordy was very frantic and Maddy didn't know how to act.

Spike felt sorry for his young niece and nephew. Connor was too young to understand what had happened, but Maddy was a very bright little girl and understood perfectly what was happening to her father. He was dying.

Spike had helped Cordy get them ready this morning by cooking and washing the dishes. He still wasn't sure what he should do. He felt out of place in the house trying to be Angel. The shoes were too big to fill and Spike felt that they would devour him. When Cordy came back from putting the kids on the bus to school she came inside the house and sat down at the dining table.

There was a moment of silence before Cordy finally said, "It just doesn't seem real. I couldn't quiet grasp my mind around it. He was fine and then he started getting tired and sick all the time. I didn't think it was anything. Maybe the flu. When I saw him on the ground last night I panicked. I ran to room and saw that you weren't there and then I just started to panic. I waited like ten minutes before I called the police."

"It's a normal reaction. You weren't sure what was going on. Your state of mind was all jacked up. I probably would have done the same thing."

"No, Spike you would have done something different. You don't have to patronize me."

"I'm not. I would have freaked out worse. I would never be able to handle something like that."

"Spike you are stronger then you give yourself credit for. I've seen you in the courtroom."

"Yeah I'm strong in the courtroom, but in life, well let's just say that if I could hide under a blanket and never come out that would be just fine for me."

Cordy thought about that. Spike was the type to not want to go on with life, but chalk that up to his father's bad behavior. Nathan was a good man, but he was a lousy father.

"Spike, I know that you think that you are incapable of leading a normal good life, but that is so not true. You are one of the most grounded people I know. Don't let the years of your father's ridicule get to you." Cordy looked at her watch and said, "Look, I have to go to work right now. I'm taking a short day and going to the hospital. I just have to do some last minute touches on the magazine. Can I count on you being there later?"

"Yeah I'll be there as soon as I can. I have that case today, but as soon as it's over I'll be there."

"Oh the case. That's Buffy's case right." There was a tone in Cordy's voice that was annoying. She knew what case it was and she knew that Spike and Buffy were friends, but she knew there was more.

"Yes Cordelia." Spike was annoyed with her. She was fishing for some information.

"Are you annoyed for some reason? You called me by my whole name. Usually it's Cordy." Cordy was playing innocent.

"Let's skip the round the bend bullshit. You think that I have a thing for my client."

"Well, it's a little evident. I really think you and her make a good couple. She's really nice and sweet. Better than that monster girl you brought here."

"Dru wasn't a monster."

"She cheated on you and treated you like your father. Monster I think so."

"Look, Buffy is married, for one, and she is client. It isn't good to mix that kinda stuff. Besides I'm trying to do that whole 'getting to know me better' shit that people keep shoving down my throat."

"I think you know yourself fine. Its time you started to date and maybe get married." "God is getting married everything to you people?"

"I'm just saying."

"Look I have to go now. I have to go to court and try to win a case. I'll see you later. Tell Angel that I'll be there later and that I love him." Spike got up and hugged Cordy. He left after that.

Cordy watched him leave. He was in denial about his feelings for Buffy. Cordy knew that he liked her, but that things weren't going because he was stubborn. She wished that she could smack sense into him, but knew she couldn't. She sighed and then left too.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ----

Buffy was waiting for Spike. She had put Dawn on the bus and told her to go to Janice's house after school. Janice was one of Dawn's friends. Buffy had arranged it with Janice's mom to let Dawn stay there today. Buffy wasn't sure how long this thing would run. Buffy was a little nervous about the whole thing. She knew that Willow was the one who was testifying today, but everything needed to be perfect.

For some reason Spike had a fear that all the witnesses would not be enough. That they might have to use her and Dawn as witnesses. Buffy wasn't nervous for herself, but more for Dawn. Her daughter should have never been put through this. It was wrong.

Buffy remembered the first time Riley hit Dawn. It was the first and last. Buffy had filed for divorce soon after that. She would put herself through that, but not Dawn. Riley was evil for doing something like that. He could disrespect Buffy, but it stopped when he hit Dawn. She needed it so that Dawn never had to be a part of that again. She just hoped she had enough ammo to get the job done.

Buffy was shaken out of her trance when she heard Spike's car honk. She rushed downstairs and into Spike's car. She was silent once in the car. She still held some bad feelings about what had happened with her and Spike last night. She looked at him and he looked worn down.

"Hey you look like shit." Spike was startled by her comment.

"Why thank you. I don't think I'm told I look like shit enough."

"I only said it because I was wondering why."

"Long night of not sleeping."

"Are you ready for today?"

"Yeah I can go on two hours of sleep."

"I hope that isn't because of me."

"No, Angel had to go to the hospital last night. It was a whole thing and I couldn't sleep. Nothing too major. He was probably going to go to the hospital soon anyway. I swear I'll be fine. I do the best on empty. I don't know why though." They rode the rest of the way in total silence. They were back to the whole awkward stage.

It was so much easier before I kissed him, Buffy thought. I ruined a perfectly good friendship.

When they got to the courthouse they met up with Willow. She was there with Oz. Buffy guessed he was there for moral support.

"So, let's get this thing done with. I think that if we wait any longer my stomach will explode from the butterflies."

"Well we have to wait for Riley and his lawyer to show up. They have to be there while I'm questioning you. Just breathe and everything should be fine. I promise if you stick to yes or no as answers to questions things should go smoothly. Now let's head in there and get ready. Oz if you're coming then you have to sit in the row right behind us."

"Okay I think I could do that."

Oz seemed nervous also. The fact was that he was. He was nervous for both Buffy and Willow. They all made their way into the courtroom and Spike directed Oz and Willow where to sit. He and Buffy sat in the plaintiff section. They waited for what seemed like an eternity before Riley and a very stern looking woman walked in. They sat at the defendant part of the courtroom.

The lawyer put her stuff down on the table and walked over to Spike and Buffy.

"We could still settle this, Spike. He is willing to go for weekends, but not supervised. That is a big sacrifice."

"Yeah a big sacrifice for someone who beats their kid."

"You have to prove that first. If you can't then it goes to half-custody. Do you really think your client wants that?"

"I know what my client wants. I will be able to prove this case and there won't be anything you can do 'bout it."

"I haven't lost yet."

"I seem to remember you losing to a very clever A.D.A once. Dru I'm the only one you've ever lost to and you really think that history doesn't repeat itself. Well I'll just have to give you a lesson on just how badly what goes around really comes around." Dru looked at Spike. He hadn't changed much. He was still intimidating as hell in the courtroom.

"Well we'll see."

"Yeah I guess we really will see."

Spike wondered where that had come from. He had just talked back to someone. He wasn't that type. He never talked back to anyone, except in the courtroom. Only that wasn't all day and night. It was just when he was in the courtroom.

That was why Dru cheated on him and it was why his father nit picked at his life. Spike looked up to see that the judge was on his way into the courtroom and he instructed everyone to stand. They did as they were told and sat when the judge sat.

"So, I see that everyone has everything in order. That was very quick, Counselor."

"I had prepared for this before hand."

"Well done. It makes this much easier. All right lets get this thing rolling. Counselor?"

"Yes, I would like to call my first witness. Mrs. Willow Osbourne"

Willow got up and went to the witness stand. The bailiff then swore her in.

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you god?"

"I do." Willow sat down and Spike got up and started to walk around. He was thinking about what question to ask first.

"Mrs. Osbourne can you tell me exactly what kind of acts of abuse you witnessed while the defendant and the plaintiff were together?"

"Yes, there was one time when Riley had come home from work and was a little drunk. Anyway he came home and I was over at Buffy's house just visiting. He got mad at her because dinner wasn't ready and he started to yell at her. He called her some really terrible names."

"Can you tell me exactly what names?"

"He called her a stupid whore who was only good for sex and keeping his house clean. He also called her a dirty bitch who couldn't do anything right."

"Was that the first time you witnessed any signs of abuse?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell me if you ever saw Mr. Finn beat Ms. Summers?"

"Yes."

"Can you explain to me what happened?"

"Okay well my husband and I were over at Buffy's for dinner. Riley came in from the living room and started yelling about Dawn being too messy. Buffy told him that she would pick it up later and that she had company right now. Then Riley slapped her across her face."

"What was Ms. Summer's reaction?"

"She was really shocked that he did that."

"What did Mr. Finn do after that?"

"He told her that he was sorry and that he had just lost his temper."

"Did you ask Ms. Summers if he had ever done anything like that?"

"Yes and she said that he only slapped her a few times before that."

"Did you ever witness any other acts of abuse?"

"Yes."

"How many would you say?"

"Just a few like maybe two or three."

"Did you ever see Mr. Finn hit his daughter?"

"Yes."

"Can you tell what happened then?"

"Dawn had just come home from school and Buffy and I were in the house waiting for her. Riley had the day off so he was there. Dawn got home and started playing with her toys and Riley got upset. He yelled at her and then he started to slap her face. Buffy intervened and the she was punched on the nose."

"I have no further questions."

Judge Stevens looked at Dru and she stood up.

"Mrs. Osbourne did you really see the Mr. Finn hit Dawn?"

"Yes."

"But you said he started to hit Dawn. Did he actually hit her?"

"Yes. He hit her once and then tried to continue hitting her."

"Okay that was just to clear up a few things. How long have you known Mrs. Summers for?" There it was. The question that would kill Willow. Spike had to try and stop it.

"Objection, relevance?"

"Miss Collins does this question have a point?"

"Yes it helps build a foundation on which I plan to bring in the witnesses character."

"Alright all let it pass, but get to the point. Answer the question Mrs. Osbourne"

"Since we were about three."

"Have you ever lied for her?"

"Yes."

"So you expect the courtroom to believe that you aren't lying now?"

"Objection Mrs. Osbourne isn't an expert. The defense is asking the witness's opinion and leading."

"Sustained. Ask another question."

"So, you've lied for Ms. Summers?"

"Objection that's the same question. The witness was already answered it."

"Sustained.

"What have you lied for her about?"

"Small stuff like when she broke her mom's favorite vase and I told her mom it was me."

"Do you try to get her out of trouble often?"

"When we were smaller."

"Not anymore?"

"Every once in awhile, but I don't lie. I write her a check."

"Is this one of those times where you bail her out?"

"No. I wouldn't lie about something that big."

"But you have lied for her?"

"Yes."

"No further questions." Shit. She took a different route then I thought she would, Spike thought. He looked down at Buffy and saw the fear ion her eyes. It was going to be some week.

"Mr. Flannery do you have your next witness prepared?"

"I would like to ask for a recess until tomorrow at the same time. I have to prepare the last four witnesses some more before I feel comfortable moving on. Does that please the court?"

"Most certainly. A recess is granted until tomorrow morning." They judge hit his gavel and then returned to his chambers.

"So where is the lesson I'm suppose to learn?" Dru asked in an overly cocky voice.

"I don't know why don't why don't you look for it up your client's ass."

"Always the sour loser."

"No you've got that backwards, doll. I never lost, you did. Shit I gained more than I earned so you know what I'm just going to chalk this one up to my lack of sleep last night and you can go do whatever the hell you want." Willow, Oz, and Buffy listened to the conversation between the two lawyers. Buffy never heard Spike talk like that. She had heard that he was confident in the courtroom, but she never knew he could be brutal.

"Look, I think that I should be leaving now. Don't want to be around you and your defendant to long. Might catch something like the loser disease. I heard it's deadly." Spike started to walk out of the courtroom with the three people behind him. He heard Dru saw, "The offer still stands."

"Stick that offer up your ass." Spike said as he exited the courtroom.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Buffy was sitting in Spike's car staring out of the window. He hadn't talked since leaving the courtroom. Buffy had said bye to Willow and Oz and went to Spike's car. He was quiet after that. They were pulling up to Buffy's apartment building and Spike stopped the car.

"So, do you always get that scary in the courtroom?"

"What?"

"The whole bad guy routine. It was pretty convincing. I can see why you win all the time."

"Yeah well it only comes out every once in awhile." Spike kept his eyes on the rode while he talked. There was something bothering him and Buffy could tell.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Things just aren't going the right way is all. They'll clear up sooner or later."

"What kind of things?"

"The case. Dru is very competitive lawyer. She likes to win. I'm pretty sure I can beat her tactics. The judge was to believe that all the witnesses couldn't just all be lying."

"That isn't it. It maybe part of the story, but it isn't all she wrote. Is it Angel?"

Spike finally looked at her. His eyes conveyed surprise and truthfulness. Buffy didn't need him to tell her that Angel was on his mind. She could see it as plain as something staring her in the face.

"Yeah. I'm just a little freaked. All this doesn't seem real. Cordy was freaking out this morning saying that she should have done things better last night. I tried to calm her down, but she ended up telling me that I was a good guy who would have done things totally different. I wondered how that had happened. One moment I was comforting her and the next she was comforting me."

"Cordy seems like the mothering type. You probably made her feel better by being the scared one."

"Yeah, but did I really? I can never know for sure. I have to face everyone today. They'll be at the hospital and they will want me to be the strong one. Ahn will definitely freak. I don't know if I'm strong enough."

Buffy looked at Spike. Just about an hour ago he was the most confident person she had ever met and now he wasn't. He was second guessing himself and putting himself down.

"Look, if it will help I can do the whole friend is there for you thing. Dawn is spending the night at Janice's so I can do just about whatever I feel like tonight, I really think that you shouldn't be alone. You don't sound like a very stable person."

"I'm not going off the deep end. I think that I can go on my own."

"Are you going to make me follow you? I don't think that would be pretty."

"Buffy, I'm fine really. I just. I can do this if I set my mind to it."

"Remember the whole thing that I'm just as stubborn as you. Unless you forgot that let me refresh your memory. I'm going with you to the hospital and that's final. You'll have to drag me out of this car and that would take time away from you seeing your brother." Spike saw that he would lose in this battle. Buffy was just as stubborn as he was.

"Alright." He turned and made his way to the hospital.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Spike hated the smell of hospitals. They reminded him of bad things. Things he would rather forget. He was sitting in one of the chairs that faced Angel's bed. Angel was talking to Cordy and Buffy. He seemed okay, but Spike knew better then to trust appearances. They were just too damn deceiving.

He could pretend that Angel wasn't sick and that he was fine, but that was just pretend. Spike would know better in the end. He just wanted to switch places with Angel. It would be easier that way. No one would be devastated if he was sick. They would be sad of course, but not devastated. It would make things easier. That way everyone would be happier.

Buffy didn't feel out of place here. This was where she worked and what she did. Cordy and Angel were two really nice people that had showed her courtesy the first time that they met. Buffy was listening to Angel and fixing his I.V. at the same time.

"Buffy you don't have to do that. They have nurses to fix those things," Angel said. He admired this young woman who was only here because a friend needed her. She wasn't dating his brother, but she was being a good friend.

"It's running dry and I think that it might stuck. It's dripping a little slow." Buffy said. Buffy looked over the doctor's notes and then fixed the I.V. accordingly.

"There that should be better. They don't want to give you too much fluid, but the nurse didn't set it right."

"Thanks, now back to you. How are you feeling in here?" Cordy asked. She looked at her husband with concern.

"Everything is fine. I'm fine. They gave me some drugs that worked wonders."

"Really, well did they say when you can come back home?"

"They said that I should stay in the hospital for awhile. Just a couple of days."

"Well its just precaution. He didn't have anything seriously wrong with him, but his disease prevents them from letting him go. They want to monitor you to see if you need dialysis," Buffy said.

"You know what maybe we should talk about more pleasant things like Cordy how was your day?" Spike said. He had had enough of the medical mumbo jumbo. All three people looked at him with shock.

"You know what Spike is right. My day was fine. The magazine came out today. Everything was right on schedule."

"Really what was this issue about?"

Buffy took Spike's lead. She knew that it would make it easier on everyone involved for things to stop focusing on Angel's sickness.

"Well just the usual women's magazine. There was this really interesting article on a study performed by Stanford University."

"What was the study?" Angel asked. It was easier to pretend that things were normal.

"Something about the way men and women think. It was interesting to see how these men had to try and think like women. The conclusion was that men have a one track mind."

"You need a study to tell you that?" Buffy said. Cordy laughed.

"Well better a one track mind that remembers every detail to something then a mutli-tasker who remembers too much. Sometimes Cordy talks about the magazine while making dinner."

"That isn't true."

"Of course it is." the three people started to laugh. Good they were laughing and not thinking about bad things. That was better then before.

Just then Anya and Xander walked into the room. Anya ran over to Angel and hugged him tightly.

"Are you going to be okay? I came as soon as I could. Is everything alright?"

"Anya, calm down."

"Are you okay?"

"Of course he's not okay." Everyone looked at Spike. They seemed to be shocked at his outburst.

"He missed a whole day of work and everyone knows how super detective loves his job."

"No I think that I needed a vacation."

"Ah, so you're faking it. I knew it. You don't look nearly shitty enough." Angel laughed. He knew Spike would make him laugh.

"Spike that isn't funny. He is really sick," Anya said.

"Ahn, I don't think you going over the deep end is going to help things. We are trying to keep things light and humorous. We don't want Angel to die of suffocation. He's already sick and he doesn't need to be reminded of it. Let's just pretend that he is fine and that he is really faking it."

"Why cause its easier for you?" Anya had never spoken to her brother so harshly.

"No, Ahn, because I asked him to. I don't want to be reminded that I'm sick. I have doctors for that. You guys are supposed to make me forget that. Please just try to do this for me." Anya looked at her two brothers. They had already planned this out without her. She wanted to be mad at them, but in a way she knew that it was the right thing to do. Getting irrational and upset wouldn't help.

"I think I can do that. Well where can we sit?"

"Over there are two chairs. Are mom and dad coming?"

"Yeah."

Xander followed his wife and grabbed the chairs. He had been staring at the blonde in the far corner of the room who had been talking to Cordy. She was woman who came into his office a couple weeks ago and he had passed her case to Spike. He wondered why she was there. He knew she was a nurse and could be doing her nursely duties. It would just have been a coincidence. That thought was quickly thrown away when Spike asked everyone if they wanted something to drink and he asked her too.

"Sure I'll take a diet coke."

"Always with the diet coke. How about you Cordy?"

"I'll take some water."

"Ahn?"

"No I think if I have something in my hand I'll spill it."

"Xand?"

"What are you getting?"

"Coffee."

"I'll take some coffee."

"Cream and sugar?"

"Yes two creams and sugars."

"Alright I'll be right back." Xander saw Spike leave and had a questioning look on his face. He wanted to ask him if what exactly he was doing.

"So, what was everyone talking about before Xander and I got here?"

"Nothing much. We were just asking Cordy about the magazine," Angel said.

"Yeah I was just telling Angel and Buffy about this new study. It was a really interesting article." Cordy was talking about Angel and the woman standing next to her. She talked about her like she was a friend. Anya hadn't even asked any questions about her.

"Oh hey Buffy." Anya said. She hadn't noticed the blonde and now that she did she greeted her.

"Hey Anya."

"Xander this is Buffy. She is one of Spike's friends."

"I know we've already met."

"I talked to Xander about my case and he recommended that Spike take it."

"Oh right. I forgot that you were going through a divorce."

They had already met? How could that be possible? Anya never said anything. I wonder what is going on. Xander thought. Everyone was very nice and kind to her.

"Ahn, I'll be right back. I have to go to the restroom." Xander got up and left. He had to go to the source of the problem.

Xander walked down two halls before he got to Spike. He saw him filling up cups with coffee. He had two diet cokes in one hand and water was placed on the table.

"Here why don't you let me help you? I thought that maybe it would be too much to carry," Xander said.

"Thanks. I don't know what I was thinking. I volunteered to take everyone's order. I must really have wanted to get out of the room."

"Yeah well no one can blame you. I know you are close to Angel and I respect that. I think it's really decent of you." Spike wasn't sure what Xander was getting at. He usually wasn't this friendly.

"So I see that you brought your client here."

"Who, Buffy. Yeah."

"Spike I don't want to be the one to tell you but no one else is telling you. You shouldn't be dating your clients."

"I'm not. Buffy and I are just friends. We've known each other for a little while now and we are just friends. Nothing more. I don't want it and she doesn't want it."

"Really?"

"Yes and your shock amuses me."

"Its just you don't really have a good track record for just being friends with girls."

"What about Fred and Cordy?"

"They are married to people you love. They don't count."

"I was friends with them before that."

"Yes, but Fred was like a sister and you and Cordy always argued. Besides you were the one who set them up with their current husbands."

Spike thought about that. He had never thought about Fred in an icky way. She was like a sister to him. He had thought Cordy was pretty, but she was never girlfriend status for him. She wasn't his type.

"Name me a girl who was my friend then my girl friend."

"There was that Cecily chic. That Faith girl. Oh yeah the big one Dru. She was just a friend before you two moved in together and bought a dog. Face it Spike you have the natural ability to make friends who are girls, but then they turn into girlfriends."

"Well Buffy and I have made it clear that we don't want that. We are just friends. I'm not ready for a girlfriend right now. Things have just started to go my way."

"Working at my law firm is going your way?"

"It's a step. A step that I'm taking to get my life back. I never really had my life and I would like to get it back. Woman just make that harder."

"Sometimes they make it easier."

"Not everyone can have a great catch as you. You are the luckiest man alive to have my sister you know that right?"

"Yes I know. Why don't you just tattoo it to my head?" Xander was actually getting along with Spike. Xander didn't like Spike because of the comment he made about family law lawyers being weak. He was drunk at the time, but Xander just used that as another excuse. Now he was standing here and having a normal conversation with his brother-in-law.

"Look Spike I don't want you to think that I'm judging your life and decisions. If you want to go after her after the trial by all means do it. It would make as an interesting story for the grandkids. Just don't do it right now. It can compromise the case and all that good shit."

"I know that business with pleasure is an unmixy thing. I'm not totally daft. I can figure that out. I don't want to go after Buffy after the trial."

"You don't sound too convinced. I think that you do like her. You just don't know it yet." Xander walked off with the water and his coffee in his hands.

Spike thought about what Xander had just said. He had told Spike it was okay to like Buffy, but be patient and wait. Spike put the idea in the back of his mind and headed for the Angel's hospital room. When he got there he spotted his parents. His mother looked like she had been crying and his father had that same look on his face he had had when Angel got sick the first time. Sadness with a mixture of disappointment. Spike wondered if he was always disappointed or if he just had that look.

"Will where did you go off to?"

"I went to get stuff to drink." He handed Buffy and Cordy their drinks.

"Oh." His mother said as she sat in a chair close to Angel's bed.

"Mum are you gonna be alright? You don't look so good." Angel said.

"Of course she doesn't. Her son as sick."

"Dad, I'm fine. The disease isn't that far-gone yet. It can still be treated."

"That doesn't matter Liam. Things are very bad. You have a disease and that always takes away joy." Spike hated it. His father was talking to Angel like he had done something wrong. Like he wanted to get sick and make his family worry.

"Dad, I think you're over-reacting a little. Angel can't control what happened to him, but he isn't going to die. He is receiving good medical treatment and he will do fine."

Nathan looked at Spike. He started at him with total disgust.

"It would have been better if this happened to you. You have no life and no family. No one to give a damn." Spike was caught a little of guard. He hadn't expected his dad to blow up on him.

"Now dad displacement isn't going to help at all. We have focus on Angel's problems."

"This is your fault. Why couldn't you be sick? You don't have anything to live for. The gods are taking the wrong son. They need to take you. People would be sad, but not totally ruined. Angel being sick will ruin this family, but we would go on if you died!"

Everyone looked at the old man with shock. Spike stood there and felt like a little boy. That was exactly what he was thinking, but he never really thought it was true. His father saying it was verbal conformation that it was true.

"You know what dad?" Everyone thought that they would have a remake of their first fight. They didn't know what to expect. Buffy looked at Spike and realized what he was going to say and couldn't let him say it.

"Spike why don't we go and get something from the cafeteria?" Buffy said as she rushed over to Spike's side. Spike looked down at her and understood what she was doing. Unfortunately his father didn't.

"Let him finish. I want to hear the stupid comeback he had." Buffy started at the old man with hate in her eyes as Spike started to speak.

"I was just going to say maybe you're right. I don't have anybody. Don't you think I've wished a thousand times that it was me instead of him? He is the strong one, the better one. Don't you think that I wish that there was some way to make him better and me sick? I would gladly give up everything to make him better." Spike was crying by this time and shaking. He was trying to keep from doing that for Angel's sake, but it just happened.

"So, dad because fate didn't make it like that you are stuck with the stupid, dumb, retarded son who will fail at life. I'm sorry if that doesn't fit with your plans, but hey I'd rather be dead myself if he dies so there you have it. I don't want to live as much as you don't want me to. All I can do is sit back and watch my older brother die and I'd rather be in his place. Now there is only one problem and that is actually changing it."

Everyone was silent. They didn't know what to say. Spike stood there crying and shaking staring at his dad. Nathan finally got the courage to speak.

"Well only if we could change it."

Spike looked at his dad and then stormed out of the room. Everyone looked at the spot where he had stood. Buffy was furious at him. She wasn't the first one to speak though.

"What an evil prick you are. Here I am sick and dying and you take it out on him. All he ever did was try to take care of me and you have the nerve to yell at him. I've never seen Will cry. Not even when grandfather died. You did that to him. I want you out of here. Out!" Angel was screaming. He was shaking from anger and had to keep himself from crying. Cordy went over to him and tried to comfort him.

"It's the truth Liam."

"The only truth here is that you are a piece of crap that doesn't deserve a son like Spike." Buffy said as she left the room and tried to find Spike.

Spike had gone out to his car. He didn't leave and stood there not knowing what to do. He took out a cigarette and lit it. Lighting the cigarette was a little difficult because his hands were shaking. He had stopped crying by that time. He was thinking about what his father had said. That it was too bad that they couldn't change the person. Spike knew that his father disliked him, but he never thought that he wished him dead.

Spike had never wished that his father would die. Spike looked up and conveyed his surroundings. He should be in that hospital room comforting his brother, but he was in the parking lot. He knew that he should leave, but something was telling him to wait. Something was saying that he forgot something. Just then he remembered what. He had forgotten to get Buffy. He had left her in the hospital. Spike was about to go back and get her and saw that she was already there.

"Thought that I better hurry up before my ride left."

Buffy took in his appearance. He was no longer crying, but he was still shaking. He was smoking a cigarette that seemed half way down already.

"Yeah I thought I forgot something so I waited."

"Well now there is no more waiting."

"Yeah we should go." Spike made his way to the front seat of the car.

"No you don't. You honestly think that I would allow you to drive in the present state of mind. I don't think so buddy. I want to walk away from this hospital in one piece." Buffy walked over to Spike and took his car keys.

"Do you know how to drive?"

"Yes I know how to drive. Now get in the car." Spike obliged and then they were off.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- -

Buffy drove to Spike's house in total silence only asking him how to get there. When Buffy got to Spike's loft she got out and walked with him to the door in complete silence. She opened the door and started to make him a cup of coffee before finally talking to him.

"Now, you look less stable then before. Are you going to be okay?"

"No, my dad's right. Who cares about me? Angel is the better one." Buffy put down his cup of coffee. It was black just the way he liked it. He took the cup and then took a long sip from it.

"Spike people care about you. Your family and friends care about you."

"Yeah, but Angel is the better one. He is the strongest and the most powerful. He is just the best. I can't top that. I don't want to. No one can take his place."

"Of course you don't want his place. You are Spike. You are in your place. You shouldn't want to take his place. He is your big brother and you love him. Your father is just an asshole."

"Who cares? Tell me who wants me alive more then they want Angel alive."

"Do you honestly think they could make that choice?"

"Yes they would want him alive. I would want him alive."

"Spike I would want you alive." Spike looked up into Buffy's eyes. Her eyes were like emeralds shining through to him.

"But if you knew Angel then you would want him alive."

"Well I know you. If you asked me right now which people I would want to stay alive you would be on the list. Of course a lot of people would be on the list, but that's not the point. You have people that care about you and they don't care about one person more then you. Wes cares about you and would want you alive. And Giles, and Anya, and Fred. You have lots of people that care about you."

"Wes didn't care last time."

"What?"

"I was about eighteen. I had just turned eighteen and my dad was giving me shit about the colleges I got into. It was a really bad time for me. My grandfather died a couple years before then and that was when I started acting rebellious. I didn't make Ivy League, but I did pretty well. Everything was piling up at the time. I was going to AA meetings and all that, but they weren't fulfilling."

Spike stopped. He seemed lost in thought about something.

"Anyway, I was just going through the motions of things. I was trying to keep up appearances. I was dating a girl named Faith the time before when I was a little wild. She left town, but then she came back and tried to get me to go partying. One day I finally cracked and I went. I started drinking a lot. Even Faith was a little worried. I drank myself silly and then got alcohol poisoning that was so severe that I was actually dead for a minute or two. I've never really lived that down. The thing is. I wanted to die. I really did. I didn't think that there was anything to live for. When I told Wes it was the first time he was ever gotten upset at me. He kept asking me why I would think that there was no one there for me when there was. He couldn't understand. His life was too perfect that he couldn't understand."

Buffy looked at Spike. He seemed so small admitting this huge dark secret that he only told Wes.

"Spike you aren't that person who did those things. You wanted to die then, but you don't want to die now."

"I never really got over it."

"But you've learned to deal with it. Spike I know that that pain never really goes away, but you can control it. Why don't you go to bed? You seem tried and you really should get some sleep."

"Yeah." Spike headed towards his bedroom and Buffy followed him. He took of his shoes and jacket and then lay on the bed. Buffy stood there and watched him. He had curled up in the fetal position and instantly fallen asleep. Buffy didn't know what possessed her to lay behind him, but she soon found that she was. She put her arms around his stomach and fell asleep herself.

A/N: All right so whattcha think? Sad wasn't it. Anyhoo please review. Caught some a BAD case of WB and I'm having everyone I can help me. Like to thank my reviewers and my AMAZING beta Anyanaka0705. Been a great help to me so far. Please review cause I LOVE it.